Chapter Twenty

After the adventure in the woods, Drake disappears.

Darian and I walk back to the Den separately, just in case someone’s watching, which no one seems to be.

The festival was great. One of the best I’ve ever had, but maybe I’m biased since I got to be such a huge part of it. My meals were a success, as was helping Ryle operate in the kitchen. I loved every minute of it.

Of course, that meant I didn’t get to thoroughly enjoy the party like everyone else. And boy, did they enjoy it.

By the time we sneak back to the Den, it’s almost three in the morning and people are still drinking by the fire, skinny dipping in the lake, singing songs, dancing and just celebrating. Summer is here and we’ve felt it all night.

I felt it in my bones while Darian, Drake, and I were doing our thing… The air warm, the moon high, stars bathing our flesh in their sparkle while we performed like animals in the forest.

I’m not as shocked as I was maybe a week ago at the things happening between me and the leaders of The Principality. I’m more concerned about what this all means and where it’s headed.

Drake is the most emotionally unavailable person I’ve ever come across, but I can feel him fighting against himself. Every second we spend together, and more so every second he spends next to Darian, it’s like he’s in physical pain. I feel him resisting what he wants, strong, as if he’s trying to repel a magnetic force, and I can’t for the life of me decipher what the hell it’s all about.

He blocks out his thoughts, that much is clear. I don’t know how he does it, but any time he doesn’t want us to hear him, his thoughts get this fuzziness to them, like static waves. It’s odd, but I’m more worried about why he feels he has to do that. Could it really be because of what the Regnum would think about him and Darian being in love?

I don’t want to believe that. I don’t want to believe that my family would crucify two people for loving each other regardless of their origins in this world. Love is love, and at the end of the day, as long as the people are consenting and old enough to do so, I don’t see the problem.

But maybe I’m being na?ve. I would hope not, but you never know.

And then there’s Darian. My King who is quickly taking shape as the love of my life, and it’s so overwhelming sometimes I feel like I could fall down and weep into the dirt.

Is this how it feels to get the person you’ve been wanting for so long? Is this the kind of gut-twisting satisfaction that comes from finally being granted your one wish, and being so ecstatic to have it you don’t even know what to do with yourself?

It’s how I feel every time I’m with Darian. The thing is, I know I could be happy with him and only him for the rest of my days. It’s not me who would be holding up this relationship.

My King has baggage, and a lot of it. It’s not my place to urge him into action, and I would never judge. Such is the curse of falling for someone who’s in love with someone else, and so detrimentally frightened by what it means.

I just have to sit back and wait for them to figure their shit out. Be supportive, keep my ear and shoulder available to bend or lean on, enjoying the unexpected sinfully hot sex, which is so obviously a crutch for the two of them it’s not even funny.

The mild chaos burning between the three of us just adds to my need to break away for a bit. I’m going to get closure on the deaths of my parents. I’ll seek answers and information, let Mother guide me to the next, and hopefully final step in my spiritual rebirth.

My Ecdysis.

I need to shed the uncertainties of the old Abdiel and reemerge from the woods an enlightened version of myself. Hopefully, this little trip will also give me some clarity on the three-way relationship I’ve found myself tangled in with two men twice my age. Plus, they might need the alone time to sort out their nonsense.

I just hope I don’t return to blood and gore.

Glancing left, I smile at my stubborn king, asleep at my side, peacefully sated and quiet. He’s truly beautiful, almost unbelievably gorgeous, and I understand how blessed I am to be in his presence romantically.

He’s troubled, sure. Because no one could be that perfect without some inner flaws. I just wish I knew more about what he’s holding against himself…

Darian and Drake both seem to feel unworthy of love, but in different ways. Drake won’t let anyone get close enough, I think because he refuses to take on the burden of someone else’s heart. But Darian…

His heart is yearning for it. Aching to be filled with the love of another. Yet he can’t accept it.

Why, my King? My fingers trail his jaw while he breathes softly into the pillow, muscled arm draped over my waist. What happened to you?

His eyelids flutter, and I shift to press a soft kiss on his stubbled jaw, before lifting his heavy arm gently off myself. Trying not to wake him, I slink out of the bed as quietly as possible, dressing in the dark, the only light from the partially drawn curtains of the lounge, the moon’s glow reflecting off the lake.

I’m glad I didn’t go home after what we did in the woods. Darian was almost falling down, he was so tired. I wasn’t sure he’d even notice me sleeping next to him, but his mind pleaded with me to stay, though his mouth would never allow him to speak the words.

I know it’s killing him to let me go on this journey, and I’m still not sure why. He and Drake say the mountain is dangerous, but it can’t be that bad if Drake lives up there. I’m only marginally afraid of what I might find, but I know I need to go, regardless. Even if Darian feels that me leaving could result in the end of us…

I don’t know why he feels this way. I couldn’t get a straight answer out of his thoughts, but I heard him thinking it, for just a split second, when I told him all I wanted was to make this journey.

He thinks whatever I find up there will make me stop loving him. And I just can’t comprehend it.

Giving one last glance to his large form, deep in dreamland, my heart aches as I leave the lounge, creeping out the back door and sneaking around the Den toward my trailer. I have a bag already packed with clothes, my tent and sleeping bag, and enough food to last me four days, just in case. I don’t plan on being up there more than a couple, but if I get stuck, I want to make sure I’m prepared. Not that I’m incapable of making my own food in the forest. We learn how to do that at a young age. Still, I’ve grown accustomed to my bacon, egg, and honey sandwiches.

I’ve left a note for Gina and Paul. I’m sure they’ll be confused at first, but Darian and Drake will intercept them if, for whatever reason, they feel like coming after me. I’m sure they won’t, though. I have to assume they want answers about what happened to my parents almost as much as I do.

Lacing up my good hiking boots and grabbing my bag, I leave the trailer determined. There are still people mulling about, but most of them seem a little incapacitated, not exactly paying me any mind. The Regnum knows how to party, and there was no shortage of booze and things to smoke tonight. When I saw Jordan last, a few hours ago, he had just eaten some mushrooms and was waiting for them to kick in. I’m sure he had a great night. Or is still having a great night.

Darian offered me his ATV, but I assured him I would rather walk. The four-wheelers are obviously faster, but this journey isn’t about speed, it’s about following the signs from Mother.

She’ll guide me, I know it. I just have to listen.

And so off I set, walking through housing, past the farms, up to the Field. The Tribe is on patrol, but the guys barely even notice me in between their activities, also known as girls in their underwear on their laps, astride their ATVs. I can’t help the smirk on my face as I walk right past, shaking my head as the girls’ giggles echo over the entrance to the mountain.

I keep going on the walking path at the other side of the Field, the one that leads up the mountain rather than toward the lab. I can still see the lab, though, from afar. It’s dark and quiet, naturally, since no one’s working right now. Still, just seeing it reminds me of that first day, in Drake’s office.

To I’m sure his chagrin, I’m not as afraid of him as I was then, although he still makes me very nervous. But I sort of trust him, which is an odd notion. He seems like the last person anyone should trust, but underneath that intentionally cold facade, the one he gives off to keep people at a distance, he has more heart than most others. He really cares for people. I know he does.

It makes me sad to think of him living up on this mountain all alone. As I walk and walk, already an hour into my journey, I approach a cabin that I just know is Drake’s. No question.

Not only is he the only person who lives on the mountain, so this must be his house, but it also screams Drake. Small, not overly fancy, but rigged with any comfort he could need and the most elaborate outdoor garden I’ve ever seen.

Walking around back, I notice he has a greenhouse too, though not as large as the one outside the Den. Peering inside, I see some very interesting-looking plants. It makes me smile. He’s so damn smart…

I wish he knew how much of a gift it is to know him.

I shouldn’t be snooping around his place, but I can’t help it. I don’t think many of the Regnum have seen this place, and I feel special even being near it. Coming through the trees past the greenhouse, I almost gasp out loud.

My eyes widen. The cabin is located right at an overlook. I hadn’t realized how high I was already…

There’s a perfect view of the lake from up here. And the Den.

My heart lurches as I gaze down over the calm waters, and the elaborate home which looks much smaller from this height. Drake built his house so he could always watch over Darian…

He loves him so deeply in secret.

My limbs twitch with the desire to bang their heads together. I wish they could just get it through their thick skulls that they need each other, but I know it’s much more complicated than that. Still, I hurt for them. I really hope I’m not coming in between them, or complicating things even more.

Wandering back around toward the path, I hear something in my head. It’s like a voice, and it’s startling.

It’s yelling something at me, so faint yet clear enough that I stop short.

Watch out!

Frozen, I glance around, and when my eyes land on the ground, I curse, my heart leaping into my throat.

There’s a bear trap, nestled into the dirt, grass, and leaves, two inches from my foot. One more step and I might’ve lost it.

“What the fuck…” I breathe, my pulse racing inside me as I back up slowly, eyes scanning the surrounding area to see if I can locate more.

Drake, you fucking lunatic.

I don’t see any others yet, but that’s not to say there aren’t more traps, of different varieties. Slapping my hand over my heart, I breathe out slowly.

Sure, a bear trap is just that. A trap for bears, which are definitely a concern out here. But something about this, and how close it is to Drake’s cabin leads me to believe it’s not just to maim potential four-legged intruders.

I leave Drake’s property slowly, carefully. I find at least one more visible bear-trap, and now I’m on high alert, which I should have been from the start. We’re always taught to keep our eyes and ears open at all times in the woods, especially on the mountain, and now I’m kicking myself for being lost in my own relationship drama.

No more. I need to focus.

Back on the path, I keep walking, my mind swirling around that voice. The one that told me to watch out…

It wasn’t Drake. I know what his thoughts sound like. And as much as I know Mother speaks to me, it’s less of a direct voice and more of a feeling when She gives messages.

I can’t stop thinking about it as I go, the muscles in my legs burning from the upward hike. Eventually, I decide to take a break, plopping down on a broken tree, pulling out one of my sandwiches and a bottle of water.

I’m content so far with my trek, eating in quiet comfort, eyes flitting through the trees. Aside from Drake’s bear traps, I haven’t sensed any danger just yet, but we’ll see. As long as I keep my awareness up, I should be fine.

A new little chattering voice springs into my ear, and I stop chewing. Glancing around, I see nothing.

Birds are chirping, dawn having broken as an early summer sun graces the forest with fresh light. It’s still cool in the mornings, the spring weather hanging on, not ready to hand over the summer heat just yet, which I have to appreciate.

I go back to my sandwich until I hear the tiny voices again. Blinking hard, I wonder if this is some extended side-effect of continued Empyrean use. I got my last dose the day before yesterday, after pleading with Drake to give me more for my journey. So maybe I’m just high, though that explanation doesn’t settle me.

My mind’s eye is leading me to something, and as I peer around, I notice a small shack, off in the distance. Squinting at it, the chattering comes into clearer focus.

Please. Please please.

“Who’s begging?” I whisper, peering at the ground by my feet.

There are three baby ravens in a nest that must have fallen with this tree I’m sitting on. They don’t look injured, but I can’t help noticing I’m not seeing Mama anywhere around.

Their chirps sound like words. Hungry. Hungry.

Blinking again, I think momentarily that I’m losing my mind. But even if that’s the case, I can’t ignore any animal in need. I’m a servant, after all.

Ripping off a few small pieces of bread from my sandwich, I drop it down to the babies, watching them scamper around, pecking at the food. It nourishes them, and I watch, listening as they praise me.

Thank you! Thank you!

You’re welcome, I smile at them.

You will not be forgotten, young Prince. Everything gets a return.

Slowly, I nod. Everything gets a return.

One good deed for another.

Wrapping up the rest of my sandwich, I wave to the chicks and pick myself back up, treading carefully in the direction of the shack. As I grow nearer, branches of the trees shift with the wind. I can hear subtle voices, more distinctly human, yet far enough away that they’re muffled, and I can’t make out what they’re saying.

Still, it’s something aggrieved I’m hearing. The air feels much colder around here, but I ignore it, stepping up to the door of the shack and pulling the handle. Struggle and pain ripple through the breeze with words I just can’t hear, unfocused. My heart lodges in my throat as I peek inside the darkness.

And then I let out a breath of relief. Because it’s a hunting shack. There are spare farming tools, some animal furs and hides hanging up. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Shaking off whatever the pensive feeling is in my gut, I close the door, making my way back onto the trail.

The sun is hanging high in the sky as I climb toward it.

I’ve been hiking the mountain for a few hours, and I’m closer to the peak than I could have anticipated. I’m taking my time with this journey. Inspecting the area, feeling the emotions of this mountain.

It might sound crazy to some, but there’s a voice up here. At first, I thought it was Mother, but the more I hear and feel, I’m not so sure.

I stop by the river to splash some cool water on my face. I’m growing closer to where it happened… I can feel it.

My parents’ bodies were found in a gully, which sits many yards down from the peak. Their bones were shattered, indicating that they’d fallen… Or jumped.

Or been pushed.

I still remember that day, like it just happened…

I’m cold, freezing, though it’s summer and the sun is warm.

My skin is frigid, as if I’m sitting in an icebox.

I wander closer to where everyone is gathered, people standing up on the banks looking down on the rest of us, in the gully, dredging through the water. Hushed whispers surround me, yet I can’t hear any of their words.

I’m smaller than the adults, so they don’t see me sneaking around them, moving closer.

Finally, I break through, a sharp pain of breath sucking into my lungs like a blade.

Mom and Dad…

They’re lying in the shallow water, eyes open.

My father’s leg is bent back in a way it certainly shouldn’t be, and my mother’s arm is folded underneath her. Their faces are right by one another’s. And they’re holding hands. Actually, their fingers appear tangled together, like it would take great effort to separate them.

Swallowing is a harsh burn, pressure building up in my face so tight I can barely see. My eyes are flooded instantly with tears I don’t feel. My face is numb, my whole body is.

My parents… are dead.

I turn and throw up onto the ground. It splatters on my shoes.

“Abdiel, no!” A loud voice booms from my right, but I can’t look in its direction.

I can’t look away from the bodies of the only parents I’ll ever have. The most important people in the world to me.

They’re gone.

“Come, now,” the voice says as I’m lifted up into powerful arms and hauled away from the bodies.

Away from the pain.

It takes many moments for me to realize it’s Head Priest who’s carrying me, stomping through the muddy water while I cling to him.

My skinny arms tighten around his neck, and I bury my face in the crook, crying hysterically. He walks for what feels like hours, holding the back of my head, his long fingers gently caressing my curls.

“There there, young one,” he whispers in comfort, though his voice sounds choked with emotions. “You’re not alone, and you never will be.”

I shiver and shake in his grip, but he just holds me tighter. At some point, I think he’s sitting down. I can barely register where we are, but I know we’re still in the woods. I don’t see or hear anyone anymore. Nothing but the consoling murmurs of our Head Priest.

Our King.

“I’m… I’m sc-scared,” I whimper.

“Shhh… I know,” he says, tone deep in a grief weighting my own chest like a hundred pounds of wet cement. “Feel this, Abdiel. Feel anything you need to. Mourn… but don’t fear it.”

His words give me some minute comfort, although I don’t exactly understand what they mean. I nod into the crook of his neck, and I just cry. And he cries with me.

A loss I’ve felt in my bones every day since…

Sucking in a sharp gasp of air, I shake myself out of it.

To think Darian was the one who held me that day, when I lost my parents, is a staggering notion. I was just a boy then, and he was a man. Not that it was sexual in any way… Neither of us could have known what the future would bring.

But I remember always watching him, since I was young. When I was little, I didn’t understand what my fascination with him was building to. And once I became a teenager, the feelings morphed into more of a yearning I couldn’t fathom.

Head Priest paid only enough attention to me, making sure I had everything I would need without my parents. But we didn’t talk after that day, no more than a couple of words here and there. And now that things have happened between us, I can’t help but wonder if maybe he kept a closer eye on me…

I know it wouldn’t be appropriate, but the heart doesn’t care about logic or rationality. I’ve been a Domestic since I was fourteen, and I’ve been in love with him the whole time, whether I knew it or not. Am I to believe he only just noticed me?

Leaving the river, I walk back toward the path. I stroll for another mile or so until I come to a fork. It’s not really a fork per se, because there’s the way you’re clearly supposed to go, the trail which looks like it’s been made for quite some time. And then there’s a small path going in a different direction, one that appears scarcely used.

And something pulls me that way, those needy feelings of curiosity I possess driving me toward the narrow trail, leading farther into the woods, rather than up up up to the top of the peak.

It’s much colder up here, which makes sense because of the change in altitude. But then it doesn’t really feel like that. It’s a different kind of cold… The cold of the unknown.

Fear slinks through my chest as I walk slowly, observing my surroundings, listening closely for anything discernible, though it’s difficult because I seem to be hearing all kinds of things.

Voices that sound like voices, and those that don’t. They sound more like… emotions. Feelings.

Mourn, but don’t fear it.

Chills grace my flesh as I walk, twigs and pine needles crunching beneath my boots. I try to step slow and careful, to stay as quiet as possible just in case. I haven’t seen any bears or mountain lions yet, knock on wood. I’m hoping to avoid the dangerous, though I keep my knife sharpened and ready, hanging on my pants.

As I walk, my eyes settle on a clearing. It’s between enormous trees, and it looks a bit peculiar, as if it shouldn’t be.

But it is, and in my mischief, I stagger toward it. The closer I come to it, things begin to echo. The surrounding air is thick, which I attribute to pressure changes and whatnot, though again, it doesn’t feel like that.

It’s a shift, and it brings my legs to a halt.

Something assaults my chest, a hard pounding, which I think is my heart, though it’s much more aggressive. It’s like I’m being shot by my own heartbeat.

Struggling to breathe deeper, I suck air into my lungs and hold it while my vision swims and things become blurry. The clearing is twelve feet away, and it almost feels like there’s a force field around it.

This makes no sense. It’s just an empty clearing in the woods. Nothing more.

Closing my eyes tight, I shake my head to gather my thoughts. And when I reopen them, my stomach clenches like a fist.

There’s something there now. Within the clearing.

In the middle of this circle of tall trees, there’s a large, flat rock that wasn’t there before.

It’s black, like obsidian, almost sedimentary in its layers. It looks volcanic, though somehow shiny as well.

It’s mesmerizing, and I want to get a closer look, but every internal warning in my mind is telling me to stay far the fuck away from it.

I’m perplexed by this. I don’t know why I’m being cautious. It’s just a rock.

Yea, a rock that literally wasn’t there two seconds ago.

Regardless, I take tentative steps, growing closer. Two more feet. Then another, and another.

The wind whips through my hair, the rock distorting in my vision.

Two more feet, and I’m so close I can feel it. I don’t know how or what I feel… but I feel something.

Something dark. Something… evil.

Abdiel… No!

A chirping voice calls to me, breaking through the whispers urging me closer and closer.

No, Abdiel! Don’t do it!

Tearing my gaze away from the rock, I gape up into the trees. The baby ravens are there, chirping. Their squeaks and squawks grow frantic, their little bird voices crying out as loud as they can.

Don’t go in there!

My heart is thumping so hard inside me, I can barely breathe. Stumbling back in the direction I came, I fumble over my steps until the clearing is farther away and I can breathe better.

I lean up against a tree, clutching its bark while I catch my breath.

What the fuck…

What is that?? What’s going on up here??

Pulling in air and holding it, I exhale slowly, propping my head against the tree behind me. I don’t know what’s happening, but I was in some sort of trance walking toward that rock.

It was calling to me… beckoning to my curiosity. And I’m not fully convinced it wanted to harm me, but the raven chicks seem to think it did.

When I glance back up at the tree branches, they’re gone.

I’m going fucking insane.

Dropping my backpack onto the ground for a moment, I take out a bottle of water, chugging half of it in two large gulps. My hands are shaking.

My thoughts are stuck on the clearing… that rock. Did it have something to do with my parents? Is that where I’ll find answers?

Or is that what Darian and Drake warned me about?

I scoff. Their warning without a warning. I wish they could have just been specific about what danger I need to watch out for. Like animals or a fucking mysterious rock that wants to kill me.

Inhaling deep once more, I peer around the trees toward the clearing. My stomach drops into the dirt…

It’s gone.

The rock… has vanished.

Motherfucking fuck. What the damn hell is going on up here?

This would be the perfect place to end my life.

I startle at my thoughts as they chill me to the bone. Why the fuck would I ever think something like that??

They didn’t feel like my own thoughts, though they were in my head. They mirrored my voice, and it’s terrifying me. Why the fuck would I think that?

No one would even notice, I’m sure…

My heart pumps hard behind my ribs as I look around. The thoughts are inside me, but they don’t feel like they’re coming from me.

There has to be someone else around.

Picking up my bag, I creep through the trees, following the feeling until I see her.

A girl with strawberry blonde hair fluttering around her face in the breeze, sitting on the floor of the forest. And she’s crying.

This would be the best place to kill myself.

And no one would ever find me.