Chapter Eighteen

Dinner will be served soon, but I can’t even think about that right now.

I need a fucking drink.

Making a beeline to the study, I dart across the room toward the bar, pouring myself some whiskey from the decanter. I sip from the glass, my mind reeling from the conversation I just had with Abdiel.

He’s internally distraught. That much was clear from hearing his thoughts for all of five seconds. He’s hung up on the deaths of his parents, and in all honesty, I get it.

I still think about all the death I’ve experienced in my life… A lot more than the kid has. I found my own mother dead, killed by my father, which set off a chain of events, molding my existence based on a cosmic plan. Everything that’s happened since then was a result of that day.

In the bathroom… Her body lying stiff and cold.

“Mom…?”

A chill runs through me as I gulp back my drink, draining the glass and immediately pouring a new one. I sip it slower, contemplating what Abdiel said… what he wants.

To go up on the mountain. To where they died.

That’s not a good idea at all.

But how could I tell the kid that? How could I explain?

And if it’s part of his Ecdysis…?

“Two nights in a row.” The familiar voice startles me out of my head, and I look up at my brother, entering the room slowly, closing the door behind him. “I must have done something special to deserve this.”

I try to huff out a chuckle, but it doesn’t really work. So I just take another swallow of burning liquid.

Darian immediately knows something’s up, though I’m blocking out the specifics. He narrows his gaze at me, walking over to the bar slowly. When he gets up next to me, he pours himself a glass, brushing against me as he does.

Then he leans up on the wood, taking a slow sip, all the while watching me closely.

The tension in the room is as thick as the waves of frustration coming at me through his head.

He saw me talking to Abdiel.

My eyes lift to his.

“Drake, for the life of me, I can’t understand what your angle is here,” he finally sighs, the tapping of his brown dress boot on the wood floor distracting me from his investigative tone. “Do you really care about the kid? Or are you just trying once more to hurt me?”

The fuck??

The words, the accusation causes my eyes to spring back to his. My jaw strains as I take in a breath, reminding myself that he’s my brother and I love him.

Don’t hit him. That would be wrong.

“Excuse me?” I growl, gripping the side of the bar as I face him. “You think I’m hurting you?”

He appears momentarily stunned before his brows zip together. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Shaking it off, I mutter, “Never mind. The point is that I’m not trying to do anything, and I have no angle. I care about Abdiel as much as I can, but I didn’t know he was your property, brother.” I slant in closer to his face. “You should probably tell him that, because he came to me to talk about his Ecdysis.”

I knew saying this would push Darian’s buttons, which is confirmed by the stabby look he’s giving me. Darian is smitten for the kid. It’s obvious. He might even be falling in love with him…

Swallowing suddenly becomes much more difficult.

“He wants to go up the mountain,” I say the words he already knows, watching as his gaze lands on the floor and stays there for a while.

Sucking in a long breath, then letting it go, he taps the rim of his glass over and over as he glances at me. “I suppose I understand why… But it’s not safe.”

“No, it is not.”

Quiet hangs in the room again before Darian mutters, “Abdiel thinks I should tell everyone the truth.”

With my gaze on the side of his face, a desperation unlike anything I’ve ever felt crawls up my esophagus, burning worse than the liquor I’m sucking down. I almost cough it out like a cloud of smoke.

I focus my thoughts, so he can’t hear my truth. It kills me to cover it up, but I do. I must.

And I mumble, “That’s not what the Regnum wants. You know that.”

He nods and goes mute for another moment, while I stand still beside him, stinging all over like my entire existence is one big gaping wound.

Darian turns his blue eyes on me. “You know, he also thinks it’s bullshit that you won’t accept happiness. He wanted you to stay last night…”

My face is tight, a pressure building behind my eyes that I force away with every bit of strength I can muster. “Did he…”

Darian nods slowly, our eyes locked in a battle, one that’s been ongoing for more years than I’d care to count. He parts his lips, then snaps them shut. And I both dread what he was going to say and crave it, like a next hit of deadly poison in my veins I can’t seem to live without.

A knock on the door breaks through the ripples of unspoken pain as Darian calls out, “Come in.”

The door opens a crack, and Gina pokes her head in. “Dinner, sir.”

“I’ll be right there,” he tells her, eyes never once abandoning mine.

She leaves, and he finishes his drink, setting the glass down right next to my hand on the bar. His fingers graze mine, that one movement speaking volumes more than either of us will allow, from our mouths or our minds.

He leaves the room for dinner, and I’m stuck.

Nailed to the floor.

I don’t join them for dinner. Instead, I stay in the study the entire time, drinking and smoking. Trying to get my head on straight.

When I’m fuzzy yet somehow seeing clearly, I sneak out and cross the house to the lounge. Darian will likely bring Abdiel in here after dinner, at least to talk, and I’m not sure why but I feel like I should be there. It’s completely ludicrous, I know.

If Darian wants to enter a relationship with the kid, I should back the fuck off and not interfere. This is what I’ve been telling myself is necessary for years. Although subconsciously, I always knew it wouldn’t take, him attempting a relationship with females.

The wives have never been a true threat. Abdiel is.

Although, no, he isn’t. He’s a sweet kid, and I like him a lot. Contrary to what Darian would believe, I do care about Abdiel. Maybe too much, hence the problem.

What the fuck was I thinking last night, being with them together? I should just leave them alone to do their thing… Like I was going to with Lars.

Did it kill me a little every time I knew Darian was with him? Sure. But I’m used to pain. It’s part of my existence.

And now the pattern is being repeated with his son. Only this time, I’ve inserted myself where I don’t belong.

I’m confused, and a little drunk. I hate this feeling. The confusion, not the drunkenness.

When I hear footsteps, my heart begins to race. Leaning up against the edge of the desk, I watch the door with wide eyes as it swings open.

“You’re being unnecessarily overprotective,” Abdiel grumbles as he wanders into the room, loosening the collar of his uniform button-down. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s hot, but I just don’t get it.”

Darian steps in after him, peering out into the hallway one last time before closing the door and locking it. “We need to talk about this, my prince. I want to understand your feelings. Your motivation.”

Abdiel opens his mouth as if to speak, but then their eyes land on me, and I wave.

“I um… I thought maybe I could help,” I say, even though it’s the stupidest possible thing I could utter right now.

Darian looks shocked, as if he truly didn’t expect me to stick around, and Abdiel looks pleased. Pleased to see me.

I’d deny it if anyone asked, but honestly, it thaws my chest. A lot.

He steps up to me and gives me a small smile, propping next to me on the desk, basically mirroring my stance. And now we’re both staring at Darian, waiting for him to explain himself. I would feel bad about ganging up on him, but he’s the Head Priest. It’s his duty.

“You were the one who told me I must not squander the Empyrean. Remember that?” Abdiel lifts his brow at my brother, and I have to suppress my smirk.

I can’t believe he’s already giving Darian the business like this. It should make me jealous, but I actually happen to think the kid is pretty adorable, and I’ve always enjoyed watching my brother squirm.

“That’s true, I did say that,” Darian rumbles, approaching us slowly. “But I didn’t know your rebirth would include journeying up a dangerous mountain for days by yourself.”

“I won’t be by myself,” Abdiel counters. “I’ll have Mother.” I can see the grin trying to pull at Darian’s lips, and it makes me want to smile, too. We both hide it. “Plus, the Tribe is always around, aren’t they?”

Abdiel looks to me, and Darian raises a brow in my direction.

“They don’t typically go up farther than the lab, unless they have to.” I breathe out a sigh. “Look, little mouse, I won’t tell you not to go because I understand why something like this is important. But I will tell you that the mountain is dangerous. We’re not just saying it to stifle you. Your parents’ deaths are a mystery for a reason.”

Abdiel looks between Darian and me. “But you can’t tell me exactly what’s up there, can you?”

“It’s… not of this earth,” Darian murmurs.

A new, different chill sheets my flesh.

Abdiel blinks over wide, green eyes, as vibrant as the trees outside. The color he possesses is beautiful and bright. I’m not sure what I would do if something were to happen to him.

That said, I live on that mountain. Not all the way up, of course, because I’m not a total psycho. But I’ve seen things up there. Things no one else on the Expanse has seen and lived to talk about. Not even Darian.

“I have to do it.” Abdiel shrugs on a strong exhale, his eyes staying with my brother’s. “It’s my one request.”

Darian stares at him for a long time, so long that it appears he’s staring at both of us. It’s strange, this little threesome we’ve entered into. I don’t know what to make of it, maybe because it’s still so new. Or maybe because I know eventually I’ll need to walk away…

At last, Darian hums and rubs his eyes with his fingers. “If you must go, at least wait until after the solstice festival. We’ll be requiring your culinary services. Plus, I… I need you here. Please.”

Darian is distraught. I hate seeing him this way, and for the first time, it’s not my doing. I guess I should be pleased by that fact, but I’m not.

“Wait… what?” Abdiel’s head shakes. Darian grins. “You mean… I get to cook? For the festival??”

“As Ryle’s sous chef. But yes.” Darian steps up to Abdiel, brushing dirty blonde curls with his fingers. “Collectively we all agreed your talent needs to be showcased.”

Abdiel smirks. “Really? It was a collective decision?”

“Fully.” Darian’s lips curve, and Abdiel lets out an elated chuckle.

He kisses Darian, hungrily, yet apparently lovingly tender. It gives my bones an ache.

I look away until I feel something… A hand on my hand.

Abdiel’s fingers graze over mine as he kisses my brother, and suddenly, I can’t breathe. I’m gasping for air, but there isn’t enough in the room.

He wants me to be with them…

Moving my hand away, I stalk toward the door.

If I can’t be with Darian, what on earth would lead me to believe I could be with both of them? It can’t work, and I’m a fucking idiot for hooking up with Abdiel in the first place. Now I’ve dug myself into a goddamn pit, and it’ll take all of my stored-up self-loathing and misery to get out.

“I should go,” I mumble, going for the door. “Glad I could be of assistance.”

I hear them both say my name, but it’s too late. I can’t stay.

I just fucking can’t.

Leaving the Den quickly, I storm off into the night, scolding myself all the way. My ATV is where I left it in the garage, and I hop on, starting it up and pulling away. I drive slowly past Domestic housing, then Regnum housing, heading toward my home. The mountain.

Once I get to the farm, I can speed up, and I rip it past the crop fields, then up to the Field of Influence. My guards on patrol nod at me as I zip by, maneuvering the trails I know like the back of my hand, leading through the Field and up to the lab.

But I don’t stop there. My place is farther, about a half-mile from the lab, nestled in the forest of White Trumpet Mountain. There’s a lookout area, and my cabin is located on it. I’m pretty high up, but not even close to as high as the mountain goes… Where Abdiel wants to go.

I know what’s up there, and I don’t like to encounter it often. It’s a hard one to explain, and even Darian doesn’t really grasp what it truly means. All he knows is that we should stay away from it, and keep our family away from it, too. To protect them.

Parking my four-wheeler out front, I hop off and stalk into my house, kicking off my boots at the door. My place isn’t even half as big as Darian’s, and certainly not as fancy. But then he has five other people living with him. Here it’s just me.

Darian’s only been to my home twice since I built it. He came up one time to see me, and let’s just say it didn’t work out well… That night ended in a fight, and I told him not to come back. So now he doesn’t.

If he wants to see me, he comes to the lab. Or he waits for me to come to him. And usually I do, but sometimes I don’t. Because I’m an asshole, and I have to be one. After everything we’ve been through, from the time we left home at fifteen to right now, I’m convinced Darian would be so much better off without me, romantically speaking.

I’ll still always be his brother, his family. I’ll always protect him, lay down my life for him. And apparently, I can’t keep my dick away from him, so that will probably keep happening, though it shouldn’t. Especially if he has Abdiel now.

Wandering over to my wood stove, I toss a couple of logs in and get the fire started. Then I meander around, going to the fridge for a beer, wallowing in the bullshit I’ve brought upon myself. I wish there was something I could do, some way I could feel better about this, but it’s hopeless.

Abdiel’s wrong. I’m not meant for happiness.

It’s not his fault. He’s young. He’s like Darian was at that age; head in the clouds, beautiful sparkling ideas, hearts in his eyes and overflowing with a need to love someone. Darian’s still like that deep down, though he’s been battered and beaten into something much more cynical over the years, hiding himself and lying and craving…

And most of it is my fault. I told you, I’m evil.

Falling down onto my couch, I lie on my back, staring at the ceiling, bottle in my hand hanging off the edge. I don’t want to torture myself, but my mind won’t stop drifting back down the mountain to a private room in my brother’s house… where I know he’s fooling around with his new boyfriend. If that’s what Abdiel is to him, I have no idea.

I’m not meant to be a part of what they’re doing, but I can’t help closing my eyes and listening, with all my might. Trying desperately to hear that far. To feel them.

Darian on his knees, pulling Abdiel’s pants down slowly, gazing up at his eyes; ocean blue locked on moss green. His tongue sliding over his lower lip as he wraps his fist around Abdiel’s long cock, eager mouth inching closer.

My breaths grow unsteady as my hand drifts into my pants, adjusting my erection, writhing where I lie while I picture it, hearing their gasps and groans in my mind as Darian bows to his prince and Abdiel takes it, loving it. Having a King on his knees.

A small mewl leaves my lips unintentionally while my hand rubs against my cock, hard as stone at the images flooding my mind. They get onto the bed, and Abdiel crawls over Darian, his ass splayed out for my brother like a feast. He sinks his warm, perfect mouth down on Darian’s thick cock, already having enough experience now to know what he likes. Darian likes when you tease the head with your tongue, then suck hard but slow. He likes it gradual. He likes his dick to be worshipped by your mouth, and that’s what Abdiel will do for him.

That’s what I do for him.

A tear sneaks out of my eye, and I turn my face to wipe it on my arm, breathing heavily as I tug my cock, harder and harder, imagining the things I can’t have. Being in that bed with them again… touching and kissing and teasing, building lust and need like the spreading of a wildfire.

I see Darian licking and sucking everywhere, holding him so hard he’ll bruise Abdiel’s milky flesh.

The longing in my chest is palpable, painful. Excruciating, and it gets me off in the end. The aching in my chest, throbbing as hard as my cock while it erupts an orgasm of heartbreak.

Breaths fly in and out of me while I cry silent tears.

They’re by the lake, and I’m on the mountain.

I’m alone, and this is how it needs to be. I fooled myself once, and I paid the price for it.

I won’t do it again.