33. Alex

ALEX

NOW – SOPHOMORE YEAR – MAY

“ Y ou did it!” my mom’s voice screeches down the phone. I yank it away from my ear, wincing.

“I did!” I laugh, her excitement infectious despite the ringing in my ear.

“Oh, Alexandria, I knew you could do it. What did I always tell you? If you set goals for yourself?—”

“Look right at ‘em and fly,” I finish for her, rolling my eyes but smiling.

“That’s the spirit! Oh, this is wonderful. I’d tell your father, but he’s in meetings all morning. I’ll let him know later, okay?”

“Of course,” I say, not surprised. Even with enough money to retire, Dad still works every hour God gives him. It’s how they both are—hard work comes first and can get you anywhere.

“Thanks, Mom,” I add, genuine gratitude in my voice.

“Oh honey, I can’t wait to tell my clients about this. You’re the perfect example of long-term goal setting. You’ve wanted to be in this program for what, ten years?”

Eight , I correct mentally, thinking back to the year after Emma passed.

“And because you didn’t falter, you’ve achieved it! Oh yes, this will make an excellent example for my clients.”

I take a deep breath. Can’t I accomplish something without it becoming a coaching opportunity? Can I live my life without being an example to somebody?

“Anyway, I have to go now. Busy, busy day ahead. But I’m so proud of you, honey. Emma would be too,” she adds softly.

My eyes prickle at the mention of Emma. I know it’s as tough for my mom as it is for me. Her sister, Emma’s mom, hasn’t been the same since her death, and it’s strained the whole family.

“Thanks,” I manage, ending the call before I risk breaking down. If I cry, Mom will insist on coaching me through my tears, which is about as awful as it sounds and the last thing I need right now.

My fingers tremble as I reread the acceptance email for the fifth time. GSRI. The golden ticket I’d been chasing for years. I should be jumping, screaming, dancing around. Instead, I sit motionless, staring at the screen as an inexplicable heaviness settles in my chest.

Freddie’s words echo in my head.

You can’t bring her back.

He was right. I can’t. And that shatters me all over again.

I miss him. I hate him, but I miss him. And also, I don’t really hate him. Not at all. I miss him so much it makes me want to run to his place and declare I was wrong, apologize for everything.

The GSRI acceptance email stares back at me, a dream realized. But as I look at it, I can’t help but want to tear it up.

The day of the presentation to the judges—the last time I saw him—was Emma’s birthday. Freddie didn’t know, of course. I hadn’t told him. But it meant his words cut deeper than they would have on any other day.

Emma would have been thirty. She loved big family get-togethers, so we would have thrown her a huge party. I can’t imagine what thirty would have looked like on her. Would she have a few wrinkles? Would her teenage softness have angled out? Maybe she’d have a husband, a baby.

It’s torture to think about the what-ifs of her life—of all the things she didn’t get to experience.

I stare at the words on the screen.

Alexandria Ford, we are delighted to accept you onto the GSRI Promising Students Internship Program…

The words I’ve been hoping for sink into my stomach like lead weights. The silver leaf pendant weighs heavy against my chest. Emma’s voice echoes in my head: “For the hearts that burn for justice.” It doesn’t feel enough .

I dial Freddie before I can talk myself out of it. Then I hang up immediately, embarrassment and regret washing over me.

My phone lights up as he calls back.

I answer, heart in my throat.

“Lexie?” His voice is rough with sleep.

“Hi,” I murmur, suddenly unsure why I called.

“Hi,” he echoes. There’s shuffling on the other end.

His sleepy voice stirs something inside me, something I thought I’d buried.

“I got into the program,” I blurt out. “The GSRI.”

“Oh shit! Really?” he exclaims, sounding more awake now.

I bite my lip. “Yeah.”

“Holy hell, that’s awesome. I’m so proud of you, Lex.”

“Thanks,” I reply, my voice flat.

“Why do you not sound happy?” he asks softly, concern evident in his tone.

“Because…you were right. It doesn’t really matter. It won’t bring her back.”

Freddie inhales sharply. “Lex, I…” He pauses, and I can almost see him running a hand through his hair, the way he does when he’s frustrated. “I’m sorry. Fuck. I am so sorry. I didn’t mean it. I was heated and upset and…”

“I’m sorry too,” I say. “Remember when we used to talk every day?” I stare out of the window, clutching the phone tight. “I understand why you have to take the job, really I do. I just… I miss her.” I confess with a shaky laugh, but it comes out hollow. “I mean, it doesn’t matter now anyway. I don’t know. I don’t know why I’m doing any of this anymore.”

There’s a pause, and when Freddie speaks again, his voice is determined. “Can I come over?”

“Yeah,” I breathe, relief flooding through me.

“I’ll be there in five,” he says and hangs up.

The silence that follows is deafening. I feel lost, confused, adrift in a sea of emotions I can’t quite name.

The knock at the door startles me out of my thoughts. My heart races as I cross the room, hand hesitating on the doorknob for just a second before I pull it open.

Freddie stands there, looking like he’s run the whole way. His hair is a mess, chest heaving, eyes wild with an intensity that makes my breath catch.

“Lex, I—” he starts, but I don’t let him finish. Something snaps inside me, all the pent-up longing and frustration of the past months breaking free. I grab his shirt and pull him to me, our lips crashing together with the force of a tidal wave.

He responds immediately, as if he’s been waiting for this moment as long as I have. His arms wrap around me, strong and sure, as he kicks the door shut behind him. We stumble backward into my apartment, a tangle of limbs and urgent kisses.

“I’m sorry,” I gasp between kisses, my hands fisting in his shirt. “I was so judg?—”

“No, I’m sorry,” Freddie cuts me off, his lips trailing a path of fire down my neck. “I was wrong about everything. God, Lex, I was so fucking wrong.”

We bump into the kitchen counter, and Freddie lifts me onto it without breaking our kiss. His hands are everywhere, leaving trails of electricity on my skin. I wrap my legs around his waist, pulling him closer, needing to erase any space between us.

“The job,” he pants, pulling back just enough to look into my eyes. “I didn’t take it. I’ll find another one. Lexie, you were right; I was rushing.”

I search his face, hardly daring to believe what I’m hearing. “You don’t have to?—”

“I want to,” he insists, cupping my face in his hands. His thumbs trace my cheekbones, sending shivers down my spine.

“I’m tired of pretending, Lex. Aren’t you?”

I am. I am so freakin’ tired.

I can’t seem to speak right now; my voice betrays me.

He leans in closer, so close I can smell the vanilla on him.

“I want you, Lexie. All of you.”

My heart soars. I pull him back in for another searing kiss, pouring everything I feel into it—all the longing, the hurt, the hope.

Suddenly, the front door opens. “Hey, Alex, I forgot my—” Tara’s voice cuts off abruptly. “Oh, sweet baby Jesus!”

We break apart, both of us breathing heavily. Tara stands in the doorway, her eyes wide, a grin spreading across her face.

“Nope!” she declares, backing out with exaggerated movements. “I saw nothing. Carry on, lovebirds. Use protection! And maybe invest in a Do Not Disturb sign! We have to stop meeting like this!” The door slams shut behind her.

Freddie and I stare at each other for a moment before bursting into laughter. The tension breaks, replaced by a giddy sort of joy.

“So,” I say once we’ve caught our breath, my fingers playing with the hair at the nape of his neck, “you really want to do this? Us?”

Freddie’s eyes soften, his thumb tracing my bottom lip. “More than anything, Lex. I was an idiot before. I thought I needed to focus on my career, on making money. But none of that matters if I’m miserable. If I’m not with you.”

I feel tears prick my eyes. “What about EcoTech? The salary, the opportunity...”

He shakes his head, determination setting his jaw. “I’ll find something else. You were right; it wasn’t what I thought. I’ve looked into it, and there are companies out there that are trying hard, that are extracting things responsibly and actually making a difference. But EcoTech wasn’t.”

“But, Freddie, your family... I’m so sorry for being so judgmental. I didn’t realize how tough it’s been for you. I didn’t think—I was just so wrapped up in my own ideas.”

“It’s going to be alright. Meg got a scholarship, which takes a lot of pressure off. And God, I don’t want to be part of the problem, Lex. I want to be part of the solution—with you. Together.”

“Together,” I repeat, liking the sound of it. “I like that. But Freddie, are you sure? I don’t want you to regret this.”

“The only thing I regret is wasting so much time,” he says, his voice husky. “Lexie, I’m crazy about you. You’re the girl who yells at me about saving the planet while stealing my hoodies, who color-codes her notes but kisses like chaos. And, Alex, I don’t just want the wild nights or quiet mornings. I want it all. Every laugh with you, every debate, every time you look at me like I’m either the most annoying person you’ve ever met or your greatest adventure. Maybe both. Probably both.”

I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer. “I’ve missed you too. God, Freddie...”

Freddie’s fingers find my repaired pendant, tracing the silver leaf. “You know what I realized? You were right about EcoTech. About all of it. But you were wrong about one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“Change doesn’t always have to come from fighting the system. Sometimes it comes from two people who care enough to find a better way. Together.”

My hand covers his where it rests on the pendant. “For the hearts that burn for justice?”

“For the hearts that burn for justice,” he agrees.

“Let’s not fall out like that, Lexie. Never again,” he promises, leaning his forehead against mine. “From now on, it’s you and me against the world, okay? No more misunderstandings, no more pride getting in the way.”

I nod, feeling a weight lift off my shoulders. “Okay. But you have to promise me something.”

“Anything,” he says without hesitation.

“Promise me we’ll always talk things through. Even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.”

Freddie smiles, that crooked grin that never fails to make my heart skip a beat.

“Oh, and especially when I’m being stubborn,” I add, and he smiles wider.

“I promise. No more running away from the tough conversations.”

“Good,” I say, pulling him in for another kiss. This one is softer, less urgent but no less passionate. It feels like coming home.

When we finally break apart, both of us slightly breathless, Freddie grins. “You know, as fun as this counter is, I think we might be more comfortable elsewhere.”

I laugh, swatting his arm playfully. “Smooth, Donovan. Real smooth.”

He waggles his eyebrows comically. “I try.”

As he lifts me off the counter, I wrap my legs around his waist, peppering his face with kisses. “You’re lucky you’re cute,” I murmur against his skin.

“Cute? I’ll have you know I’m ruggedly handsome,” he protests, navigating us toward my bedroom.

I laugh, the sound muffled against his neck. “Whatever you say, you big dork.”