40. Ryan

Chapter 40

Ryan

Cameron welcomes me into their London flat with open arms, and I realise that, apart from my pat-down by airport security, this is the first physical contact I’ve had with another human since he moved out. Not ready to let go, I hold him a little tighter, and he hugs me right back.

“Thanks for letting me stay. I know it’s a little last minute.”

One series wrapped just as another got delayed, leaving me with a free week that made absolute sense to take as a vacation.

Kayla was right, as always. I’ve had my head down for months, spending countless hours hidden away in a dark studio. What’s the point of making a living if you don’t have any time to do something with it?

Cameron closes the door behind me and takes my bags, welcoming me inside.

“It’s fine, man. It's so good to see you. Welcome to our house of fun,” he jokes. They’ve lived here together for a while now, but the place has all the markings of my sister’s minimalist style.

“Dude, you live with Hannah. I've met her, I know she's the opposite of fun to live with.”

“Hey, that's my girl you're talking about," he scolds. "And I'm having a lot of fun living with her."

He pumps his eyebrows, and I pretend to puke. "I know I don't need to remind you that's my sister, you're talking about."

"What are you gonna do, try to kick my ass again?" he laughs. We've more than cleared the air on the incident at Christmas, but I know he'll probably rib me about it for the rest of my life.

Cameron leads me through to their guest bedroom, which also doubles up as his home studio. The walls are covered with acoustic foam panels, and his desk is set up with an array of microphones and screens. His set-up is a lot fancier than it was back home.

“So I got you towels, and an extra pillow. There’s an adapter here if you only have your US charger,” he says, but I’m too busy looking at the bookcase which doesn’t contain a single book.

Instead, it’s stacked with more sex toys than I’ve ever seen in my life. Dildos and vibrators, paddles and floggers, and what looks like a bulk case of lube.

“That’s all work stuff,” he says, gripping my shoulders and steering me away. “I promise I haven’t used it on your sister.”

I smack his hand away. “What the fuck, Cam? That’s not even where my brain went, you dick.”

When I asked if I could crash in their spare room for a couple of nights, it hadn’t occurred to me it’s also the room where Cam records audio of him jerking off. I know a little more about how Cameron produces his work now, but I don’t need to sleep next to a million visual reminders.

“You want to have a beer and pretend I never said anything?”

“Sure,” I nod, and I head through to the living room while he grabs two from the kitchen. It’s the same brand Kayla likes, and as the first sip coats my throat, I picture her tipping her head back and doing the same. The long line of her neck, the little snowflake necklace that sits at her collarbone .

Fuck, I miss that neck. Kissing her there, nipping her skin, sucking hard enough to leave a mark. It’s wild to think I’ll get to see her in just a couple of days.

Cam settles into one end of their sofa, but I’m too antsy to sit, and opt for pacing instead. A vase of fresh flowers sits on their dining table, and that’s the stuff I wish I could do for Kayla.

Along one wall, Hannah has a bunch of framed photos on display, including some cute ones of the two of them together last Christmas, selfies they must have taken when I wasn’t around. It’s annoying how good they look together. My gaze lands on one Dad took of the four of us posing with a couple of the Elves at the parade. My arm is around Kayla’s shoulder, hers is around my waist, and while Cam and Hannah are looking at the camera, we’re only looking at each other.

I need a copy of this photo.

“So you’re happy here, London Boy?”

“Sure am. I’m on a job at Pinewood, but once that’s over, I think I’ll make the switch to working on Mac’n'Please full time.”

“That’s great, man. I’m really pleased you're making so much money from wanking.”

“Anyone can do it," he laughs. "What do you have planned for while you’re here?”

“Honestly, I haven’t made plans. A couple of days to catch up with you guys and my parents before I fly out to see Kayla.”

“How’s she doing?” he asks.

“She’s good,” I say, avoiding his gaze. In theory, it’s true, she’s absolutely fine, but I know now, while we’re apart, we’ll never be fine. There’ll always be something missing. At least that’s how it is for me.

Now I’m here in London, it feels insane to be so much closer, and still so far apart. She’s not expecting me until Saturday, but that’s two whole days without my girl, in a year where we’ve already spent most of it apart.

When Hannah gets home from work an hour later, her arms are full of bags of takeout from a nearby Thai restaurant they love. Cam and I set everything out on the table while she changes out of her work clothes into something more casual.

It’s still weird as fuck to see my sister and my best friend living together, doing all this cute shit like serving up food, and kissing in the kitchen. He tells her he loves her, and she says it right back. There’s no hiding, no shame, not an ounce of uncertainty when they look at each other. That’s what I want with Kayla. What I’ve always wanted.

The food smells delicious, but every mouthful is an effort to swallow. I don’t know whether it’s jetlag, or witnessing their domestic bliss, or the anticipation, but I can’t relax. The longer it goes on, the more I feel like I can’t breathe.

“Are you OK?” Hannah asks, nudging me with her foot. “Why aren’t you yapping?”

I can’t do this. Can’t sit here and make small talk and act like everything is fine when I could be in the mountains.

“I need to go.”

“Where?”

“Airport,” I mumble, pulling up my Uber app to book a car.

“You’re not serious? You just got here.”

“I can’t fucking think straight, I need to see her tonight.” I stand, then feel light-headed and sit again. Am I really doing this? “Fuck, I don’t know which airport has the next flight to Geneva.”

“City has a flight in ninety minutes,” Cameron chimes in, and when we both whip our heads to look at him, he laughs and shrugs. “What? I knew the second he arrived, he wouldn’t make it through the night. ”

I cup his face and smack a kiss on his cheek. “You’re the second best person in the world, you know that?”

“I’d better be first,” Hannah huffs.

“Kayla is first,” Cameron and I both answer at the same time.

“Fine,” she sighs, reaching for the food on my plate. “I’m not one to stand in the way of love, especially if it means more prawn toast for me. You book the flight, I’ll book the Uber.”