32. Kayla

Chapter 32

Kayla

He didn’t fuck it up. It would be so easy to pick up the phone and call him, but I freaked out and now I’m in some sort of emotional stand-off with myself. I don’t know where we go from here.

If we don’t talk between now and winter, it’ll be awkward as hell. If we do talk, I worry I’m giving him false hope. Not seeing other people is as good as being in a relationship, and I hate that he made a decision for himself without talking to me first.

At first he texted daily, but now it’s every few days, and a fucked up bit of my brain wonders how long it would take from him to stop texting at all. Maybe it would be for the best. We’d be back to normal. No contact until Christmas, just like always.

Talking was fun, but now I’m doomed to spend my days stewing in my apartment like I’ve cut off a limb.

May is the quietest month of the year, with many local businesses taking a holiday. I’ve got nothing booked until the end of the month, so I’m spending as much time as possible working on my business plans for the summer. The website is up to date, insurances renewed, my marketing materials are in the tourist office, and social media posts are scheduled.

I’m on top of everything, and having nothing to do has me thinking all kinds of wild thoughts .

My parents suggested a trip home to Edinburgh, but every time I look at flights, I end up typing Los Angeles as the destination instead. Usually I snap my laptop closed and force myself not to think about it, but today I’m apparently intent on sabotaging myself.

All I’ve ever wanted is this life I’ve built for myself, to live and work in the mountains full-time. If Ryan could be a part of it too, even better, but I accepted long ago I can only be in charge of my own destiny. If he wanted to be here, he would be here, but his life took him in another direction.

I knew what I wanted, and went for it, but I’ve never truly considered any alternative. Was it remiss of me to not consider other options? What if I liked L.A. as much as the Alps? Maybe then we could have a chance at being together. if it didn’t work, at least I’d feel more confident in my decision.

There’s only one flight a week at this time of year, and tickets aren’t as expensive as I’d expected. It’s also Ryan’s birthday next week, a date I’ve known about for most of my life, but never been able to celebrate with him. I keep picturing a world where we get to be together for birthdays. We buy gifts, go to dinner, do some extra hot stuff in bed.

What if the world where we get to celebrate a birthday is this one?

By the time I’ve chewed half of my bottom lip off, I’m sick of myself. I fire off a text, and Ryan calls immediately.

“Are you serious? You’ll come visit?”

“Yes, but you can't read too much into it. I have a quiet couple of weeks and it would be nice to see you, so… are you free?”

“Shit. I’m right at the end of a production. Can you come at the end of the month?”

“I have a school group coming out for residential that week.”

“Fuck,” he yells, raking his hand through his hair. “You know what, just come, I’ll take time off if I can, and every minute I’m not working I’ll spend with you, OK? Please come. It would be so amazing to see you.”

I book the ticket and forward a screenshot of my itinerary. The smiling selfie he sends me afterwards is worth the ticket price alone.