23. Kayla

Chapter 23

Kayla

January third comes too fast. In a heartbeat, we’re out of time.

Our parents are staying until tomorrow, but Hannah is on the same flight to London as Ryan and Cameron, who have a short layover before they head home to L.A.

Thankfully, it’s changeover day in the resort, and I have no clients as one set leaves before the next group arrives. Desperate to eke out every moment I can spend with him, I offer to drive them all to the airport.

All the way down the mountain, I curse the winding roads for making me keep both hands on the wheel when I wish I could hold one of his instead.

The smart move would be to drop them outside, wave goodbye, and cry all the way back up the mountain, but I’m in too deep. I take the hit on airport parking so I can head into the terminal with them, and Ryan holds my hand the entire time.

Hannah and Cameron can’t stop touching each other either as they walk ahead of us, but nobody seems to be staving off an internal breakdown the way I am. I can’t even look at him.

We’ve barely spoken all morning, only communicating through longing stares and half-hearted smiles. Mark made me one of his special hot chocolates and I drank it downstairs while Ryan packed. Not much was said then either .

Everything feels different this time, and I can’t imagine how much harder it would be if we were actually committing to something serious.

We’d left with plenty of time so they wouldn’t have to rush through security, but now I wish for the opposite. I wish there was some urgency. His flight boarding, the gate calling, last call for passenger Ryan Richmond. Any other reason for him to go, something beyond our control.

“This wasn’t long enough,” Ryan says, pulling me close and pressing a kiss to my temple.

He needs to stop. I’m not strong enough for this goodbye, and I won’t survive if he keeps talking. I bury my face in his chest so he won’t see my tears, and he cups the back of my head.

“It’s never long enough.”

He holds my hand to his heart as mine pounds out a plea.

Stay. Stay. Stay.

Of course he won’t stay. How could he possibly? There’s no world in which I get what I want here.

“Hey Ryan?” I whisper against his chest.

Asking changes everything. I definitely won’t ask.

“Yeah, baby?”

“Can I have your phone number?”

Shit.

He pulls back, cupping my face to tip it up to his. “You want to keep talking?”

“If you do?” There’s a half-second where I swear my heart stops, so convinced he’s going to say no, I scramble to argue my case. “We’ll still be just friends, obviously. We can keep to the same arrangement as always, but with, I don’t know, the occasional hello. ”

“How occasional?” The tip of his nose strokes up and down the length of mine.

“I don’t need you to call me every day,” I tell him, though I already know I’ll be tempted to.

“What if I’m a menace and I text you all the time?”

“Do you want my number or not, asshole?”

He kisses one corner of my mouth, then the other. “Best friend I ever had.”

He delves into his jacket pocket, unlocks his phone and hands it over. With bleary eyes, I’m not even sure I know what numbers are right now.

“You’d better call me in case I typed it wrong.”

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I try not to laugh while I add Ryan Richmond to my contacts for the first time. This is a thing you do with strangers, not a man you’ve known your whole life, who’s seen you in your best and worst moments, your most naked and vulnerable.

He pulls me in close again, opening the front of his jacket so I can slip my hands inside and around his back.

“I miss you already,” I tell him. I’m so close to confessing what I wished for on the first firework, but it won’t make a difference.

“Kayla,” he whispers against my hair. “It’s you in every world. You know that, right?”

Every world except this one.

When we finally let go, Hannah is waiting to give me a hug goodbye, with tears in her eyes, too. Part of me feels sad we didn’t get to hang out much this winter. Ryan and I were always closer, but she’s been a good friend, especially in those years he didn’t come home.

“I feel like I've barely seen you this trip,” I sob, and she chuckles softly against my shoulder.

“I was kind of pre-occupied. ”

Knowing she’s willingly getting herself into a similar long-distance situation makes me feel a kind of twisted bond with her, even though she's much happier about it than I am.

“Are you OK?” she asks.

“What the fuck is wrong with us, Han?” I laugh, wiping my eyes behind her back. Mascara was a mistake, I must look ridiculous. “They’re just boys.”

“Boys we love,” she offers, as if that excuses crying in the airport.

“We’ve never said that to each other,” I whisper into her hair, and she squeezes me tighter.

“Doesn’t mean it isn’t true.”

Any time I’ve come even close to entertaining thoughts of love, I’ve shoved them deep, deep down. That’s not for us. Who in their right mind would let themselves fall in love with someone who lives so far away?

Now I live here permanently, it’s worse than ever. It’s so much easier to be the one who leaves. Ryan gets to fly home, go back to work, his friends, his life. Being the one who goes back to an empty apartment is a unique hell.

How am I supposed to sleep in my bed tonight, on a pillow that still smells like him, knowing it will be months until he comes back? How am I supposed to go about my daily life feeling like a part of me is missing? No amount of hiking or beer or cheese will fill the void.

“Right, this is embarrassing now,” I say, letting her go and wiping my eyes. “You need to go live it up in the lounge or whatever it is you fancy business class folks do.”

Ryan spins me back into his arms. “I’ll see you next winter, but I'll talk to you sooner. OK, Bunny?”

“See you next winter,” I nod, tears spilling faster than he can wipe them away. “You' ve got to go.”

Waving them off through the first checkpoint, I dig my car keys into my palm, desperate to feel something worse than this pain. Except I was right, there is nothing worse than the pain of being miles away from the man you love.

When they disappear around the corner, it takes everything in me not to drop to the floor and bawl my eyes out. My phone buzzes in my pocket, pulling my focus for long enough to keep me vertical.

RYAN: Miss you already

God, I hope I don’t regret this. On the drive back up the mountain, it occurs to me nobody ‘lets themselves’ fall in love. Love comes for you whether or not you want it to.

As predicted, I cry the entire way home, and even harder when I find the t-shirt he’s left under my pillow.