10. Ryan

Chapter 10

Ryan

Three Winters Ago / Age Twenty-Five

Our situation is no secret, and I think our families know we find it tough to say goodbye to each other. In the last days of our visit, they give us space to be alone, which is how I’ve found myself sat across from Kayla in her parents’ hot tub. Her head rests against the edge, bubbles breaking all over the front of her chest, and I spy a red bruise from where I sucked too hard on her skin.

I'm happy to be leaving her with a mark even though I know it will fade not long after I'm gone.

“Our last night,” I sigh. “Is there anything we didn't get around to doing?”

She shakes her head, a sleepy, satisfied smile on her face. “I think this was our best year yet, you know? We ticked everything off.”

Kayla brought a few new toys to experiment with, a strawberry lube we both agreed we taste way better without. Last night, on her request, I snuck into her bedroom from the balcony and covered her mouth while I edged her with my fingers.

My list wasn’t very long. After so many years of not sleeping over, all I wanted was to wake up with her and have sleepy morning sex, just like I long for back home in my new L.A. apartment. We threw out the rulebook last night, and fell asleep in each other's arms. I woke up with her hand in my pants, then her mouth making all my wishes come true .

“I’m glad I make all your dreams come true.”

Beneath the water, she kicks her foot out, but I grab it with both hands and press my thumbs into the sole. “You're so cheesy.”

“Yeah, but you still love me.”

It comes out of nowhere. My thumb stills and our eyes lock. We’ve never said that word to each other, barely spoken about our feelings at all. What’s the point when we know we’re saying goodbye so quickly?

“Oh, Ryan,” she sighs, crossing the tub to slip into my lap. “I probably could love you, unfortunately.”

“Why unfortunately?”

She rests her head on my shoulder, weaving her fingers through mine. Our fingertips line up and we press them into each other.

“I can’t imagine anything worse than being miles away from the man I love.”

Noted. Loud and clear.

My flight leaves a day earlier than hers, so I stay over and milk every minute, her words spinning over and over in my head.

This thing I have with Kayla, I can’t imagine it with anyone else, but she’s right. We live on opposite sides of the world. Two lives in two continents.

She falls asleep around three, her head on my chest, knee hooked up and over my hip. It’s not comfortable, and I barely sleep, but I don’t give a shit. I want every single second with her. I stroke my fingers through her hair, count her eyelashes, and wonder if one day we’ll come here with children who look half like me and half like her.

When I know I can’t drag it out any longer, I roll her onto her side, slip out of bed, and pull my clothes on.

“I’ll see you next winter, Bunny.”

“See you next winter,” she mumbles, pulling my pillow to her chest and curling herself around it. The covers shift enough to reveal the bumps of her spine and the curve of her ass. I drop a kiss on one perfect, round cheek, then cover her up.

Later, I’ll wish I’d taken a photo. This will be the image that haunts me when I decide to let her go.