Chapter Seventeen

Catherine’s thoughts were in a muddle. She was glad that Sebastian had told her the truth, even if hearing about the Knowleses’ sexual exploits rather shocked her. She was an innocent, she supposed, despite Sebastian’s tutoring. Would he suggest she lie with another man and let him watch? She did not think so. He seemed quite possessive, with those irate looks he kept sending Lord Knowles’ way. His lordship was the sort of man she would never have anything to do with, but it was amusing that Sebastian was being so protective.

And rather flattering.

Then there had been Sebastian’s conversation with Benny, him winning the child over as he did everyone. He was kind, and it did seem he had principles. Just when Catherine had decided she was done with him and must hold him at arm’s length, she found herself falling under his spell again.

With supper over, the guests began to leave to return to their rooms, but before she could follow them, Sebastian placed a hand on her arm. When she looked up at him in surprise he said quietly, “Will you change your mind about tonight?”

It would be easy to say “yes,” and she could pretend it meant as little to her as it did to him, but it would hurt to do so. And then she would have to hide the hurt. She was tired of pretending to be a woman she wasn’t. “Surely you have shown me everything?” she said, to give herself time find an answer.

He gave her a wicked grin. “Barely scratched the surface,” he said in a gravelly voice.

Ah, now that was tempting. She was weakening again, thinking that perhaps one more night would be worth any heartbreak she might suffer afterward. As she hesitated, Catherine noticed that a third person had joined them. Effie Knowles, her pretty face creased in smiles as her bright, malicious gaze went from one to the other.

Sebastian noticed her too, and Catherine couldn’t help but be further amused at his irritated expression.

“Fancy! Albury making snowmen with the children of common folk,” Effie declared airily. “Who would have thought?”

“Perhaps you do not know me as well as you think you do.”

Her eyebrows arched. “I think I know you very well. Every part of you, Albury.” Then, resting a hand on his upper arm, she leaned in close so that she could whisper in his ear. “Will you come to me later? You won’t be sorry.”

The words weren’t so quiet that Catherine couldn’t hear, and she suspected she was meant to. Was he going to agree? She hoped not. Only a moment ago he had said he would not, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t change his mind. Effie probably knew what he liked without him having to worry about her inexperience. Catherine was painfully reminded of the yawning gap between them.

She made a move toward the door. “I should be packing. I intend to leave early in the morning.”

But Sebastian blocked her way, his tone almost desperate. “Wait.”

Effie gave an affected giggle. “If you’re worried the duchess will be bored without your company, rest easy, Albury. Edward will entertain her.” She inspected his face and said nastily, “Oh! Are you jealous, Sebastian? Have you lost your heart to the duchess? The ladies of London will be devastated. Wait until I tell them.”

Sebastian’s expression darkened. “My heart is as safe as it always was. Nothing has changed. Tell the ladies of London that, Effie.”

Catherine wanted to escape and yet she felt compelled to stay, to listen to this awful conversation, even while her own heart began to crumble. Sebastian had shown he despised Effie, but this was a reminder of what he was, how he had lived his life despite insisting his life of debauchery bored him. Words easily spoken when he wanted to persuade Catherine into his bed but easily forgotten as soon as he returned to London.

“As for Edward, tell him to keep his breeches buttoned.” He was towering over Effie, but she just giggled again, and flapped a beringed hand at him.

“Oh pooh! You enjoyed our little threesome. I dare say we could make it a party of four. What say you, Duchess?”

This time Catherine turned away without answering, but again Sebastian followed her, closing the door on Effie, and leaning against it. The handle turned, and they heard her complaints from inside, growing more and more shrill. Sebastian ignored them.

“I know I have spoiled whatever was between us,” he said urgently, “but I want to make it better.”

She wished she could trust him, but Effie had reminded her that she couldn’t. “Your private life has nothing to do with me,” she said coolly. “Why should I care? Why should you?”

“I’ve explained what happened with Effie and Edward—”

“Do you think I might invite him to my room instead of you? Isn’t it all the same?” She was goading him, and it gave her a twisted pleasure when he blanched.

“No! At least . . . this is different.”

She looked at him with surprise. “How is it different, Sebastian?”

He opened his mouth, closed it again, as if he didn’t know what to say. But that was the problem, wasn’t it? He was not equipped for a situation like this. He didn’t want to hurt her, she understood that. He wasn’t a cruel man. But how could he not hurt her when they were so different, each of them wanting different things?

Catherine found her voice. “This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have started this. But I wanted to know what it was like to enjoy the company of a man I desired, and you gave me that. Thank you. You are a high mark against which I will measure all others. But I need more than carnal pleasures. I want someone who will love me, and not look for the next prospect when he is bored. You have helped me to understand that, Sebastian, to understand myself, so thank you again.”

He stared at her, the pupils in his pale eyes enlarged and making them oddly dark. “Catherine,” he said, and then couldn’t seem to think of anything more.

“Sebastian,” she interrupted gently. “I hope all goes well with your father. I know you want it to. I think if you can make your peace with him, then everything in your life will be better.”

She turned and left him there, with a furious Effie pounding on the door. As she walked away she could no longer stop her tears blinding her and spilling down her cheeks, but at least he couldn’t see them.