Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Idon’t mean to fall asleep. When there are so few hours left in this fling, I want to soak up every second with Devan. I can sleep once this is over. Unfortunately, my body has other ideas.

I wake up in a panic, suddenly sure that he’s taken this opportunity to slip out of my life permanently. That last night was all a ruse after we came that last time, that he regrets it and just wanted to let me down gently by not letting me down at all. Ghosting is so much simpler than having rough emotional conversations or rejecting the woman who used to be your ward and has a boatload of baggage.

I start to sit up, only to be brought short by a heavy weight over half my body. I open my eyes to find Devan sleeping pressed to my side, one arm draped over my waist and one leg wedged between mine. I couldn’t escape this bed if I wanted to, and I suddenly very much do not want to.

He’s still here.

There’s no point in examining the sheer relief that courses through me at that realization. Certainly no reason to look further into the future to the inevitable crash and burn of my emotions when this is over. I can scream up and down and sideways that this is just sex and just letting off steam that’s been building for six years, but some part of me knows it’s more than that.

Plenty of time to muddle through that mess later.

I have other things on my mind currently.

Devan shifts against me, hitching his leg higher until his thick thigh is pressed against my pussy. “Morning.”

“Morning,” I whisper.

“How you feeling with a few hours of sleep behind you?”

Easy enough to read between the lines. He wants to know if I’m having regrets or all freaked out. I am freaked out, but not in a way Devan can fix. I squeeze my legs around his, urging him closer yet. “I’m feeling needy.”

Devan makes a sound nearly like a growl and buries his face in my neck, kissing and gently biting me. “Can’t have that.”

“What are you going to do about it?”

“I can think of a few things.” He moves down my body slowly, lavishing my breasts with kisses. “A certain birthday girl mentioned kissing her pretty pussy better last night.”

I arch up, whimpering as he continues his journey south. “She sounds really smart.”

“She is.” He settles between my thighs. “Smartest girl I ever met.” He kisses my pussy before I can figure out if he’s just talking shit or if he actually means it. Devan traces his tongue over me as if he has all the time in the world and intends to taste every inch of me. I melt under his little strokes and licks. Last night was so intense and nearly overwhelming—in a good way—that this slow, lazy moment feels particularly sinful.

I dig my hands into Devan’s hair. “More. Make me come.”

“When I’m ready.” He ignores me trying to tug him up to focus on my clit. Something about that only makes pleasure weave through me faster. I love that he’s so much stronger than me, that he can do anything he wants to me, that he won’t unless I want him to. My breathing becomes harsher the closer I get to coming, until I’m panting and whimpering and shaking beneath him.

He shifts up to suck my clit into his mouth—hard—and shoves two fingers into me. I orgasm instantly. Devan doesn’t linger this time. He crawls up my body and then he’s working his cock inside me in slow, short strokes. I’m still sore from yesterday, but that only makes the pleasure soar higher.

I always did like a little pain with my pleasure.

He doesn’t say a word. I don’t have the air to try. We simply fuck slowly until he brings me to orgasm again and follows me over the edge. It’s only when he drops down next to me that I have the mental capacity to wonder what the fuck just happened. This wasn’t a birthday, wasn’t any kind of fantasy. This was just us.

Devan looks like he wants to say something, and I’m suddenly certain that he’s about to let me down just as gently as the sex we just finished. I can’t deal with that. Not right now, when it feels like my heart resides outside my chest, beaten and bloody and far too vulnerable. I react on instinct, slipping out of the bed and fleeing to the bathroom.

Like a coward.

What am I supposed to do?

Tell him that no matter what I said at the beginning, this isn’t just sex for me? It might be truth, but the boundaries were very clear when we started this. Devan didn’t agree to more, and after everything he’s done for me, I’d be the most selfish of bitches to demand it of him. If I was any less selfish, I’d call the whole thing off right now instead of letting it go on and letting myself sink deeper into this murky emotional mess.

I’m not less selfish.

I’m not going to give Devan up a moment before I absolutely have to.

I brush my teeth and wash my face. Without my makeup, feel naked in a way I didn’t even when I didn’t have a single item of clothing on. Even pulling on the hotel robe hanging on the back of the door doesn’t help. I’m still debating on taking a shower and putting a full face back on when Devan knocks on the bathroom door. “Just a minute,” I call. My voice sounds horrifyingly shaky.

“Open the door, Hazel.”

“I’m not decent.” Why the hell did I say that? It doesn’t even make sense.

“Hazel.” A pause. “Do you want to use red?”

“No.” It’s the truth, even if I’m not sure of anything else at the moment.

“Then open this fucking door and stop hiding from me.”

Damn him for forcing the issue. He’s not being unfair, and that’s the worst thing about this. If he was being an asshole I could throw a fit, provoke him into punishing me or something, and we’d be off to the races again. If he was anyone else, it would work. But Devan’s not going to be provoked; I know it as soon as I open the door to find him wearing his jeans and nothing else, his arms crossed over his chest and a forbidding expression on his handsome face.

He turns without a single word, but the command is clear enough. I follow him out of the bathroom and through the bedroom, into the main area of the suite. I silently sink into the chair he indicates. I watch with my foolish heart in my throat as he sets a cup of coffee in front of me. It only takes a glance to know it’s doctored exactly the way I like it—a drop of cream and too much sugar—but I take a sip to confirm anyway. “How do you know how I take my coffee?”

“Amsterdam. I brought you coffee and breakfast that next morning before I drove you to the airport.”

I hold the cup between my hands, letting the warmth soak into my palms. “That was a single time, three years ago. It’s such an insignificant detail to remember.”

“Nothing about you is insignificant, Hazel.” He picks up a second cup and leans against the counter. “Now, tell me why you’re freaking out.”

“Who said I’m freaking out?” He lifts a brow, and I wilt a little. “I had a plan. It was a very good plan.”

Devan takes a drink of his coffee. “I’m not arguing the quality of the plan. Unless I’ve misread things, we’re both enjoying ourselves.”

“You haven’t misread things.” I say it too quickly. God, what is wrong with me? It’s been years since I fumbled an interaction this thoroughly. Usually I have no problem keeping my poise and calm, but right now, I feel like I’m about to vibrate right out of my skin and make a run for it. “You haven’t misread things,” I repeat, slower this time.

He watches me for a long moment. “The morning after the part that’s freaking you out?”

“I’m not freaking out.”

“Could have fooled me. Normally people who aren’t freaking out don’t hide in the bathroom and refuse to come out.”

He has me there. I take a careful sip of my coffee, mostly to buy time. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. That I am feeling too much and that’s why I’m a little freaked out? The man would laugh in my face. “I’m not freaking out,” I repeat for the third time. I almost sound like I mean it. “I’m planning for the next birthday.”

“Mmmm.” Devan sounds like he doesn’t believe me, which is fair. I’m lying through my teeth. He takes another drink of his coffee. “I’m not overly inclined to go hunt down a third person to reenact that.”

“You have a problem with sharing?”

He pins me with a look that has my thighs clenching together. “I think we’ve already established that I don’t have a problem with loaning out that pretty pussy if the situation calls for it.”

My body warms. “I thought that was all an act.”

“Nothing we’ve done so far is an act, not in the way you mean.” He’s still looking at me too intensely. “The reason that roleplaying is so hot is that there’s an element of truth in it.”

I hadn’t really thought of it that way, but he’s right. We might be exaggerating and playing up certain elements, but there’s a reason the core fantasies exist. “Okay, so where does that leave us?” Truth be told, I don’t want to invite another person into our little bubble. I have so little time left with Devan, I’m greedy for every second of his attention to be solely focused on me and me alone.

“I have a few ideas.”

Anticipation licks through me. Yes, this is better. We’ve touched on my fantasies. Now it’s his turn. More than simple birthday spankings. I want more. “Tell me.”

He finishes his coffee and sets the mug aside. “I want you to come to me.”

I take a large swallow of my coffee. “I’m going to need you to elaborate.”

“Every birthday, I’ve come to you.” He pauses, the tiniest indication of nerves, before pressing on. “I want you to come to me, Hazel. I want you to need this cock so bad, you can’t stay away. I want you to show up and beg me for it.”

The words wash over me in waves. I lick my lips, trying to process. “Yes. I want that, too. All of it.”

“You sure?” He’s still watching me like I’m a gazelle about to bolt, like part of him wants to sit me down and crawl around inside my head until he figures out what my earlier issue was. “At some point, we need to have a conversation—”

“I want you to fuck my ass,” I blurt. I don’t even know if I mean it. The words just pop out in a pure panic because if Devan and I start talking, we won’t be fucking…maybe not ever again. I want the fantasy he described, but I don’t want to talk.

He blinks. “No.”

“What do you mean, no?”

“Exactly what I said.” He pushes off the counter and moves to rinse his mug in the sink. “From your reaction, you’ve never been with anyone my size, which means you’ve never been fucked in the ass by anyone my size. That takes time to prep for, otherwise I’ll hurt you.”

“Maybe I want you to hurt me.” Something to remember him by, at least for a little while.

Devan gives me a sharp look. “Not like this, Hazel. You want me to paddle your ass again, we can talk. Other shit is up for negotiation, but I’m not going to do something that will cause you legitimate harm if done improperly.”

“I don’t care.”

“I do.” The firmness of his tone says this is one battle I’m going to lose. Damn it. He’s probably right, but that doesn’t change the disappointment weighing me down. Another experience we won’t share because there’s just not enough time.

I’ll just have to make do with what I have. “Fine. Not that. But I want to play out your fantasy.”

He looks at me for a long moment and then nods. “Go get ready, then. You want to seduce me, you better look the part.”