Chapter 28

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

B efore Alana had even stepped out into the hallway, she could feel Tadhg on her heels. Unable to look at him let alone speak or listen, she picked up her skirts and ran down the hall, heading to their chamber. He easily kept pace, all the time pleading with her. "Alana, stop, will ye? I'm beggin' ye tae just give me a chance tae explain what happened. 'Tis nae what ye think."

"Go away, I never want tae see ye again!" she shouted, running up the staircase, hot tears starting to course down her face, careless of the curious stares they were drawing from servants as they passed. She reached the chamber and ran inside, intending to slam the door and lock it against him. But before she could do so, he pushed his way in and closed the door behind him.

They stood panting, facing each other. Through her sobs, she managed to say, "If ye ever cared about me at all, Tadhg, then get out, please. I need tae be alone."

"Ye ken I care about ye, and I'm nae goin' anywhere until ye hear what I have tae say," he insisted, his handsome features etched with a despair that mirrored her own.

Unable to stand any longer, she crossed to the bed and sat down heavily on the edge, burying her face in her hands. "I told ye, I'm nae listenin' tae any more of yer lies. Get out!"

But instead of doing what she asked, he came and knelt at her feet, like a supplicant begging their god a for a favor. "I ken I've hurt ye, and I'm sorrier fer that than ye'll ever ken," he said, his voice breaking. "But if ye'd just hear me out, ye'll see that I never meant any of this tae happen, I never meant tae lie tae ye or cause ye pain. It hurts me tae see ye like this. I love ye, Alana, pleas–"

She gave a bitter little laugh interrupting him as she raised her head and met his eyes. "When ye love somebody, truly love them, ye dinnae hurt them as ye've hurt me, nae once, but twice. That's nae love."

"I had nae choice but tae lie," he said bleakly.

She went on as if he had not spoken. "And ye let me go on torturtin' meself over me faither abandonin' me and Maither when ye kent it was nae true. How could ye be so cruel?"

He shook his head earnestly, crouching before her. "Ye must listen tae me, I tell ye."

"Nay, go away!"

"I'm nae goin' anywhere until I make ye listen. I'm gonnae tell ye exactly what happened and why I had tae lie tae ye. Hear what I have tae say, and then, if ye still want me tae go, I'll leave, I swear."

"Ye promise ye'll leave if I listen tae ye?"

"I swear it." He put his hand over his heart, but much as it tore at her to do so, she silently dismissed the gesture as yet another falsehood.

Seeing no other way, she fought to marshal her scrambled thoughts and bring

her sobbing under control. "Then all right, I'll listen," she finally agreed, wiping away her tears with her inadequate handkerchief. "But hurry up. And I warn ye, it'll make nay difference."

"Thank ye," he said, the relief obvious in his voice. She steeled her shattered heart for more pain as he sat beside her on the bed and began speaking.

The tale that poured from his lips was astonishing, and she was shocked afresh to discover the sheer extent of the web of lies he had spun around her.

"I couldnae see another way out. When Laird Lennox threatened yer life if I didnae swear tae keep me mouth shut about the secret of yer birth and commanded me tae leave the castle and nae come back, I felt I had nae choice but tae go. D'ye think I wanted tae lie tae ye, tae leave ye like that? I was lookin' forward tae us bein' wed. It broke me heart tae leave ye like that, without bein' able tae explain. But I couldnae stay, fer fear of him hurtin' ye, or worse," he finished at last.

"But ye came back after he was dead. Why did ye nae tell me all this then?" she asked, too numbed by this new knowledge to cry.

"I tried tae, a hundred times, but ye were so angry with me, ye refused tae even give me a chance tae speak, let alone listen tae me. Ye just kept sendin' me away with a flea in me ear, saying ye wanted naethin' tae dae with me," he explained.

The desperation in his voice tore at her heart, threatening to make her give way, to embrace and forgive him. She fought against the urge.

But 'tis nae that simple.

"Ye could have put all this in a letter," she said.

"Would ye have read it?"

She had to think about that before admitting, "Nay, probably nae."

"That was why."

"All right, I'll give ye that. But what about when the MacIver delegation came tae the castle and told me the truth, that I'm John MacIver's illegitimate daughter? Ye could have told me then. And then, when ye persuaded me that ye should accompany me here, tae protect me, ye said, ye had plenty of chances tae tell me."

As she spoke the words, she felt her cheeks flushing to recall the times they had lain naked together, whispering loving words, taking such pleasure in each other's bodies. They were the times when she had felt so close to him, she had let down her guard and slowly come to trust him again. The pain of her foolishness stabbed at her like knives. "But ye still chose tae keep on lyin'."

"Aye, I was a coward, I admit. And I wish I'd had the guts tae tell ye the truth, believe me," he said sadly, sitting with his hands loosely clasped between his knees, looking at the rug. "There were a thousand times when I almost told ye, but I feared how ye'd react. I was afraid ye'd send me away, and I couldnae bear the thought of losing' ye altogether. I told mesel' I could live with ye hatin' me as long as I could be with ye and keep ye safe."

He sat up and turned his body, so he was facing her. He looked deeply into her eyes with a beseeching expression. "Alana, I love ye. I want tae be with ye always. Those years away from ye, nae kennin' how ye were or bein' able even tae write tae ye, they were torture. I never stopped lovin' ye the whole time I was away.

"Then, when I heard about Murphy Lennox dyin', it seemed like a blessin' from heaven. I rushed back tae the castle, hopin' ye'd still feel the same about me. I was devastated but nae surprised when ye didnae want me. I'm so sorry fer all the pain I've caused ye, truly sorry. But now that ye ken what happened, can ye try tae understand why I lied and kept things from ye? Can ye find it in yer heart tae forgive me?"

Seized by a fresh storm of emotion, Alana stood up and paced before him, twisting her hands together in agitation, gathering strength for what she knew she must do. "I've listened tae all ye've had tae tell me, as I promised I would. I understand why ye thought ye were protectin' me from Laird Lennox when he threatened tae kill me. I kent that monster, and I dinnae doubt he would have carried out his threat if ye hadnae left."

"So, ye'll forgive me then?" he asked, hope in his eyes.

"I didnae say that," she told him, watching the hope die. "I said I understand why ye did it, and part of me wants tae forgive ye. But ye should have trusted me above him back then. Ye should have told me the truth. We could have run away together, somewhere where he could nae touch us."

"Of course, I should have! That was the first thing I thought about. I wracked me brains tae think of a way out of it. But I feared that if we ran, the laird would have taken his anger out on yer maither and me braither. I couldnae risk it. I had nae choice but tae leave. And honestly, if I had tae make the same decision again, I would."

She ceased pacing and turned to look at him. He was a picture of misery, and it took everything in her not to throw herself into his arms and tell him she forgave him. But if she did that, how could she be sure he would not hurt her again? Ye cannae be sure.

"The thing is, Tadhg, much as 'tis tearin' me apart tae say this, I want ye tae leave. Fer good, this time," she told him, determined to be strong.

He sprang up from the bed and came towards her. "What?! But why? Ye ken it wasnae me choice tae leave ye or tae lie tae ye. I thought ye understood that."

She held up a hand to stop him from coming any closer, unable to trust herself not to give in. He halted at once. "Aye, I understand," she felt a traitorous tear slipping, "but even so, this time, I cannae forgive ye. Nae ever, and that's final. Please, I want ye tae go."

A groan burst from his lips. "Ye cannae mean it, Alana."

"Ye've left me nae choice. It daesnae matter that ye've finally told me the truth, nor that Laird Lennox's cruel machinations were tae blame fer ye abandonin' me."

"I didnae abandon ye!"

"Let me finish."

"All right, I'm sorry."

"Thank ye. Fer years now, ye've been the one person in me life who's been makin' me sad. I'm better off without that sadness. Fer that reason, I simply cannae find it in mesel' tae forgive ye, however much ye try tae explain."

"Alana, dinnae send me away," he said pleadingly, his face stricken.

"Dinnae make this more difficult than it is. Please take yer things and go, I need peace tae think." She deliberately turned her back on him and went to stare sightlessly out of a window, hiding the turmoil in her breast.

A terrible silence descended on the chamber, and she expected him to argue with her but he did not. After a short time, he said flatly, "If that's what ye want, I'll go."

She stood silently, biting her lip to stop the tears, digging her nails into her palm, to stop herself from whirling around and begging him to stay. Her body almost vibrating with distress, she listened to the sounds of him packing his few things.

Finally, he said softly, "I love ye, Alana. I've always loved ye, and I always will. And I wish ye naethin' but happiness. Even if means ye willnae be with me." She heard the door close behind him and his bootsteps fading as he went down the hall.

She ran and locked the door. Then, overwhelmed by the storm raging inside her, she gave way to it.