13. April

THIRTEEN

APRIL

The Sunday after Aiden's first ball game, Kellan invited me over for a cookout. He was making burgers and hotdogs. He asked me to bring some sides. In my time in the modeling world, I never really learned the whole cooking thing. I could make a mean bowl of ramen, but that was about it. I stopped at the store on the way and bought a massive bag of potato chips and a big premade tub of macaroni salad. I told myself it was better than nothing, but it was kind of sad. While I was in line checking out, I went online and bought some simple cookbooks. I needed to eat something other than sandwiches, cereal, and salad.

When I arrived, Kris and Chelsea were already there. Kellan was in the backyard, grilling. Fragrant smoke poured off the grill as he turned the meat. My mouth watered at the smell. For about three years, when I first got into modeling, I'd tried to be vegan, which turned into pescatarian, that then morphed into a give-me-the-damn-meat diet. I wasn't cut out to live on only fruit and vegetables, and I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a good old-fashioned burger barbecue. I was looking forward to this.

"Aunt April," Aiden called and came running to my car to help. I gave him the bag of chips.

"Barbecue chips? Nice." He ran off into the house without another word. Hopefully, he wouldn't stuff his face on them before lunch.

Chelsea and Kris hugged me as I stepped inside. It looked like they'd brought a tray of brownies for dessert and the buns. Kris pulled me aside as Chelsea helped Aiden put the chips in a giant bowl.

"How are you doing? After yesterday, I mean?" he asked.

It took me several seconds to realize he was talking about us hanging out at the restaurant with Steff. He wanted to make sure I was okay. I grinned. "Kris, it's fine. Really. It's been years. I'm not still hung up on that."

Kris nodded. "You may not be, but I saw the way he was looking at you yesterday. He may be thinking he can restart whatever you guys had before. I don't want him trying to hurt you again is all."

How had he looked at me? What had Kris seen? A pleasant tickle went up my spine at the thought, and I quickly quashed the thoughts before they could do more than skirt the periphery of my mind.

Kellan walked in with a platter of cooked food. "Time to eat."

That snapped Kris and me out of the awkward conversation we were having. I turned and helped set out the buns and fixings, which kept my mind off Kris's words. A few minutes later, we were seated around Kellan's table, digging into the spread.

Finishing a bite of his burger, Kellan turned to Aiden. The look on his face was pensive and a little sad. "Hey, buddy?"

"Yeah, Dad?" Aiden answered, grabbing a handful of chips.

Kellan sighed. "I know your coach told you about that baseball camp he wants you to go to."

Aiden's eyebrows rose in anticipation. "Yeah?"

"Well, I really want you to go to it, and I do think it'll make you a better player, but it's too last minute. I didn't have the time to budget for it. Maybe we can do it next year? That will give me time to save up the money."

Aiden's face fell slightly, but to his credit, he didn't pout or whimper. Instead, he nodded. "It's okay. It's no big deal. They have it every year. I can go next summer."

"How much?" I blurted before I could think.

Kellan blinked at me in surprise. "Uh, well." He glanced around at everyone, obviously uncomfortable. "It's almost a thousand dollars. It covers the camp and lunch each day. It's more than I have to spend right now."

I waved a hand at him. "I'll cover it. I'll write you a check before I leave tonight."

Aiden's eyes bulged, and he almost vibrated in his seat from excitement. Kellan held up a hand. "Wait, no. April, you don't need to do that. I don't want you to think we need you to pay for everything."

I didn't want to hear any of that. If I could use all the money I'd made over the years to give my nephew something like this, no one could stop me.

"Listen, Kellan. Will this camp be fun? Will it be beneficial for him? Is it something you'd love for him to do?"

"Well, yeah, but?—"

"No yeah but s. That settles it. Yes is the only answer I need. Plus," I held up a finger, "we'll call this a make-up for all the birthdays and Christmases I missed over the years."

Kellan shook his head, but a slight smile starting to appear on his lips. He glanced over at Kris and Chelsea who were studiously eating their food, trying to conceal smiles of their own.

Kellan pulled his phone out. "Okay, I'll sign you up right now. Steff sent me an email with the link."

Aiden raised his arms above his head in victory. "Yes." He jumped up from his seat and ran to me, wrapping his arms around my neck. "Thank you, Aunt April."

I gave him an awkward side hug and laughed. "That's what family does. We help each other."

"Oh my gosh, I can't wait," Aiden said, plopping back in his chair.

While typing on his phone, Kellan said, "I'll get a hold of Coach Steff. The camp is almost an hour's drive each way. He said he'd give you a ride if I decided you could go."

"Seriously?" I said, raising an eyebrow.

Kellan nodded. "He sees a lot of promise in Aiden. Told me he'd be happy to do it."

My eyes cut across to Aiden. I didn't want him knowing all the background. "Uh, are you okay with that? After… you know, everything?"

"He's a good coach, and Aiden looks up to him. It's not something easy to forgive, but it isn't really my place to forgive him, right?"

"He's right," Kris added.

To say I was surprised was an understatement. They'd hated Steff from the moment he dumped me. Now, they were sitting here extolling his virtues and letting him drive Aiden to baseball camp. It was a complete one-eighty.

"Besides," Kellan said, "I believe he's got Aiden's best interests at heart. A person can only hold a grudge for so long. Would I still like to"—he pantomimed punching his hand multiple times—"yeah, sure, but it's been years. I think it's finally time to bury all that. At least for me and Kris."

Kris nodded his assent. I was a little taken aback by that. They'd been my backbone and my support system when Steff destroyed me. They'd been as angry and as hurt as I'd been. Now, it looked like everyone was moving on and leaving all that behind. Was I the only one stuck in the past? It was starting to seem like it.

Later that night, after pulling back into my driveway, my phone rang. Still thinking about everything that Kris and Kellan had said, I pulled it out and glanced at the screen. It was Ryland. I stared at it as I got out of the car, letting it ring. I wasn't in the mood to talk to him, but hit the green button on the fifth ring anyway.

"Hi, Ryland. How are you?"

"Hey, April. Uh, I'm sorry it took so long for me to get back to you. How's your weekend going?"

"It's fine. Had a cookout with my family. I actually just got home."

"Oh, nice. That sounds fun. Listen, I really hate how our last date went. It's part of why it took me so long to call you. I really wasn't very sure about where your head was. I'd really like a do-over and…"

Ryland's voice faded slowly into the background. My mind was unable to make sense of or even hear his words because my attention was solely focused on the truck that had pulled into the driveway next to mine.

Steff hopped out of his truck and walked around the front of his hood. As he rounded it, his eyes locked on to me. My heart rate spiked, sending flutters through my chest. A wave of warmth spread across my arms and legs. The back of my hand tingled as my mind went back to that moment in the pizzeria. His thumb gently caressing the back of my hand. His skin on mine, and the way I'd craved his touch for so long.

Steff stopped staring and walked straight toward me. A shock of fear rushed through me. Why was he coming this way? What was he going to do? What would I say? It was like I was in a daze.

"...April? Did I lose you?"

I flinched, realizing Ryland had been talking the entire time I was watching Steff. I'd completely tuned him out. I was a little embarrassed but that was the least of my emotions at the moment. Steff stepped up to me. Less than two feet from my body. I could almost feel the heat radiating off him. In one fluid motion, his right hand flashed out and gently pulled the phone from my hand and placed it to his own ear.

"Hey? Oh, it's you. Sorry, April's busy." He ended the call without another word.

My eyes widened in surprise. "Why did you do that? I was talking to him."

He raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Looked more like you were staring at me. I didn't hear a whole lot of talking."

"Well… that… uh?—"

"I still want you to know that I wasn't joking when I said that guy was bad news. Have you eaten?"

My head was spinning. He was bouncing between topics too fast. I felt drunk, even though all I'd had at Kellan's house was lemonade. The question still stood, though. Yes, I was hungry. I'd barely eaten anything at the cookout. I'd been too busy trying to understand Kris's and Kellan's change of heart regarding Steff. My stomach growled.

The sound must have carried, because Steff glanced at my tummy and grinned. "I'll take that as a no. Come on." He took my hand and led me to his truck.

"What are you doing?" I asked dumbly.

"I'm feeding you. What does it look like?"

We stopped at the passenger door of his truck. He opened it and pulled out what looked like to-go containers in a big plastic bag. He turned back and said, "I was hoping to catch you home. I wanted to invite you over for dinner."

I frowned but let him lead me to his house. My mind was one big glob of emotions and thoughts. I couldn't begin to understand anything that was happening. Part of me was still thinking about what Kellan had said. Another was trying to come up with a way to apologize to Ryland the next time I saw him. Another was trying to figure out what the hell Steff was thinking. Every part of me followed him into his house, though. I didn't even try to put up a fight.

I stood in his foyer, watching him gather plates and cups and pull containers from the bag. While he worked, I glanced around his house. It was… beautiful. The paint and artwork? The furniture and lighting? It was like a professional had decorated the place.

"Did you," I swept a hand around the room, "you know."

It took him a minute to get what I meant. "Oh, you mean my décor? I hired a lady out of Denver to come take care of it. I told her a little about what I was looking for, and she did everything else. You like it?"

I did. And, secretly, I was more than happy that an old girlfriend hadn't decorated it. That would have been strange and disheartening. It was silly. I didn't get to have a say in who decorated his place. If it had been an ex, what would I have said? Oh, no. I can't be in here. The ex-girlfriend of my ex-boyfriend had her hands all over this place. It made no sense.

Steff emerged from the kitchen carrying a glass of wine. He brought it to me, and I accepted. For me, things were awkward. Being here inside his house. Drinking wine and talking about home décor. It was crazy. And as crazy as I felt, Steff looked completely cool and calm. It was like he had me over for dinner every night. Like this was an everyday occurrence.

"Come on. Let's eat." He guided me back to the table.

I sat and saw that he'd picked up Thai food. It looked delicious. I picked up the fork, yet as hungry as I was, I only picked at the food.

Steff looked at my plate. "If you have something you want to say, you can say it."

I dropped my fork and looked at him. "What are we doing here, Steff?"

"Looks like we're eating dinner."

"Ugh, no. Not what I mean, and you know it."

He grinned at me, and my heart skipped a beat. I'd always loved his smile, and I was pissed that it still had that kind of effect on me. You'd think after all these years something would have changed. Apparently not.

"Okay, for real, I'm trying to make amends," Steff said. "I know one dinner, even twenty, may not be enough. I need to start somewhere, though."

"Why now?" I asked, surprised by his honesty.

"When else? If not now, then when? You don't come home much. As far as I know, you haven't been back in years. I'm not sure how long you plan on being back, and this may be my only chance to make things right with you."

My stomach fluttered and twisted with excitement and anxiety. The next question I asked terrified me, but I asked it anyway.

"Why is it so important for you to make things up to me?" My voice was barely above a whisper.

He looked into my eyes, his gaze growing intense. I forgot to breathe, caught up in him. "Because I don't think our story is over yet. I think there's more left. A few more chapters at least."

If I'd been standing, my knees would have buckled. Those words rocked me to my core. At first, I was too stunned to speak. Then my mind flooded with so many emotions I couldn't keep track. Hope, love, confusion, pain, shame, heartache. It all flicked through my mind, fighting to be heard above the others. One emotion rose above, stronger than them all. Anger.

"What gives you the right, after a decade and a half, to say that? Why do you get to decide whether or not our story is over? You gave up that right when you left me crying that day and walked out of my life." I was growing more pissed by the second. Every word that came out grew in volume. "You must be delusional if you think you can just pick me back up like none of it ever happened. You broke me open. All that I was spilled out that day. I'd given you all of me, everything I had to give, and when you walked away, I thought I was broken.

"I told myself, if I gave everything to someone, every ounce of love and hope? If I did that, and they still walked away, then there had to be something wrong with me. I was the problem. I'd caused it to happen."

I clamped my mouth shut to keep me from saying more. I'd already said too much. My face went red, knowing I'd let him too far in, that I'd revealed things I'd never even revealed to myself. I couldn't let him know any more about how thoroughly he'd devastated me. Right then, I couldn't take another moment in that house. I had to get out.

I stood, leaving my mostly uneaten food behind, and turned to leave. Steff, who had been frozen by my speech, now jumped up and got between me and the door. He wasn't close enough to touch, but I could still feel the heat radiating off his body.

"I won't force emotions on you. I do want my intentions to be clear."

I met his gaze, almost chained to his eyes. I forgot any words I was going to say as he went on.

"Even if I can't have you the way we once were, then I can at least try to get forgiveness. At one time in my life, you were my entire world."

Tears welled in my eyes, and I fought down the sob that wanted to build in my chest. "If I was your world, then why did you destroy me?"

Steff's face fell; horror, regret, and sadness masked his face. I waited for several seconds to see if he had an answer. It seemed he didn't. He had no answer. I had to get out of there. I brushed past him and burst out of his front door. I fought the urge to run and walked as quickly as I could.

As I opened my front door, a single word was called from next door. "April?"

I slammed the door before I heard anything else he said. Through a haze of tears, I punched in my code for the alarm. Then I turned off all the lights and slid down my wall. Sobbing uncontrollably.