7. Blayne

SEVEN

BLAYNE

Emily hadn't lied about how much it would hurt. If anything, she'd undersold it. The night Ava had rejected me had passed like a fever dream. I'd spent over an hour out in my backyard writhing in pain and anguish. It had felt like my soul was being ripped from my body.

I'd spent an age trying to shift, hoping it would ease the pain a little, but even that simple act had been blocked. My body was too tormented and broken to allow my panther to come forward. The panther had seemed to be gone, lost in the storm of pain.

Eventually, I'd dragged myself into the house, but I hadn't made it far before I collapsed on the floor. I hadn't even had the strength to crawl onto the couch, much less upstairs to my bed. At least it had been warm inside and the carpet soft. I'd rolled around, clutching my body into the fetal position. My muscles had cramped, and electric sizzles of pain had shot through every muscle and bone.

But mental agony had been much worse. I'd never experienced so much sadness. It was as if I'd found out Liam had died again, but somehow it was three times as bad, and it had kept going on for hours with no end.

When sleep finally came, it wasn't sleep. I'd passed out from exhaustion and pain, only to be terrorized even in my dreams. I woke the next morning, clothes soaked in sweat, head throbbing and a dull, painful ache deep in my chest. As I struggled to my feet, I realized something wasn't right. I was empty. Hollow. A shell of what I'd been before.

I texted Tate and let him know I wouldn't be in that day. Without even waiting for his response, I fell into my bed, burrowed into my blankets, and proceeded to go back to sleep for nearly nineteen straight hours.

When I woke, my head was even more disoriented than it had been the day before. I had to look at the clock on my phone twice before it sank in that I'd been out for almost an entire day.

That day had gone by like a blur. Quick snapshots that I had a hard time remembering were connected by other moments.

Snap —I was sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly into a rapidly cooling cup of coffee.

Snap —I was filling my truck up at the gas station.

Snap— I was in the cemetery crying over my brother's grave, rain soaking me to the skin.

Snap— I was in a parking lot, head leaning against the window, hugging myself and sobbing.

Snap —I was back in my house, dumbly watching a pan of bacon burn to a crisp, sharp, acrid smoke wafting up to my nose.

The strange disjointedness had finally ebbed that evening, yet I couldn't remember half the day. I'd received over two dozen texts and calls from the guys. They'd even resorted to having their ladies try to get a hold of me. Harley had left a voicemail. April and Celina had both left a few texts. Even Tate's adopted daughters, Jordyn and Mariah, had sent me video messages asking me to call their parents.

I started crying. No idea why. I'd never been one to cry. I was not a gushy, touchy-feely guy who broke down watching A Walk to Remember or Marley and Me . It was like the rejection had shattered my emotional framework.

Still exhausted beyond belief, I'd managed to write a group text to everyone who'd messaged me.

I'm fine. Thanks, guys. I'll be at work in a couple of days. Seriously, thanks.

I'd turned over to go back to sleep. It wasn't until my eyes were slipping closed that I realized I hadn't eaten anything in over two days. My stomach roared, but I still slipped into unconsciousness. That time, I only slept twelve hours and woke at six in the morning.

I should have been ravenous, but I barely managed to keep down a slice of buttered toast. That alone made my stomach hurt, like I'd devoured two Thanksgiving dinners in one sitting. This was what depression was like, I reminded myself. Slowly trudging through the day, feeling like nothing mattered, like you didn't matter.

A few days later when I finally made it into the office, it only took a second for me to realize I wasn't looking much better than I felt.

I opened the door and stepped in. Kennedy looked up from her computer, her always-perky smile dying as soon as she laid eyes on me. "Mr. Walker? Are you okay?"

She never called me "Mr. Walker," and that clued me in on just how bad I looked. "I'm fine, Kennedy. Where are the guys?"

"Um, I think they're back in Miles's office."

"Thanks."

I walked down the hall, feeling like my feet weighed a hundred pounds. Each step I took was slow and deliberate. When I rounded the corner and entered Miles's office, the guys all turned. The dismay on their faces removed any shred of doubt that I looked like myself.

"I take it I look like hell?" I said in greeting.

Steff got to his feet and walked toward me. "Bro, you look like shit. Dried-up shit."

"I appreciate your candor," I said, trying to sound sarcastic, but there was no fervor behind it.

"Seriously, are you okay?" Miles asked, leaning across his desk toward me.

I considered lying, but I'd been through hell with these guys. With Liam gone, they were the closest I had to brothers. My face crumpled, but thank God I didn't start crying. "I feel like crap. Like, there's nothing but emptiness. Hollow, you know. I'm depressed and tired, and every nerve, bone, and muscle in my body aches. I didn't think it would be this bad."

Tate took the seat beside me and lowered his head until we were eye to eye. "Blayne, do you know how rare fated mates are?"

I nodded. "Very rare."

"Right. Like one in every three- or four-hundred mating pairs. Maybe even fewer. I've never heard of a pair of fated mates breaking up. It's a soul-binding connection. Ava rejecting you can't be easy. None of us could understand what you're going through."

"It's rough," I conceded. "I assumed it wouldn't be as bad since it was a forced pairing. Like, the curse did it. It wasn't a natural connection."

"Yeah, but she was still chosen to be your mate. It's hard to go against something that strong. Fate brought her to you."

I barked a laugh. "Right. If I didn't already have enough evidence that Fate sucks after the last year or two, this is it. Fate is no friend to us."

The others glanced at each other, sharing a look. Steff shrugged. "I don't know. Our lives have gone okay. Sometimes you have to trust what happens."

I shook my head. "Screw that. I'm glad you guys found happiness, I really am. I don't want you guys to think I'm bitter or anything. It's only that I know , without a doubt, that there is no place in my life for Ava."

"Go on home, man. You don't need to be here in this condition. Maybe things will get better in a few days," Miles said.

As much as I wanted to argue, all I really wanted to do was crawl back into bed. I nodded as I stood. "That sounds like a good plan."

Tate put a hand on my shoulder. "Are you sure you're okay? You can come stay with me and Harley. We have that extra guest bedroom if you don't want to be alone."

"No, I'm good. Besides, I don't think Jordyn or Mariah would enjoy a sullen and heartbroken guy moping around the house. Teenagers like happiness, and I am not in the mood to pretend. I'll be fine, for real. Thanks, though," I said as I moved down the hallway toward the door.

My day didn't get any better. Nor did the next day. After a week of torment, I went back to work, even though Miles told me to stay away. I simply couldn't handle being home alone with my own thoughts anymore. I had to do some work. If nothing else, it would get my mind off the fractured relationship I currently had with my panther.

I'd barely been able to sense him since the night Ava had rejected me. He was there, but he was so deep inside me, he was almost imperceptible. When I did get a whisper from him, it was always full of agony. He was mourning, absolutely devastated, and I couldn't get him out of his funk. Hell, how could I get him out if I couldn't even get myself out?

The day sped by in a blur, and I was pretty sure I'd basically done nothing of note. Frustrated and pissed off, I left the office and headed home, chastising myself the entire way. Ever since I ran into Ava at the cemetery, I'd basically turned into one big, walking asshole. I needed to figure out how to get back on track. I couldn't stand feeling and acting this way.

As I pulled into my driveway, I spotted Ava getting out of her car. Of course, we had to talk. She'd asked a simple question. I wanted to kick myself for not lying, but the emotions boiling within me did not allow that. Instead, I told her exactly what was on my mind. It was the first time I'd truly voiced the exact emotions out loud. I had to turn around and head inside before she could see the tears in my eyes.

Every part of me knew I'd made the right decision, but that didn't change the heartbreak my body and mind were enduring. My panther was inconsolable, and doing that to him made me feel like the dog shit I'd scrape off the bottom of my shoe. There was no other choice, though. There had never been another choice. Ava was not supposed to be mine, and my panther and I needed to learn to live without her.

Instead of staying cooped up in the house, I decided to head up to the waterfalls in the mountains while there was still some daylight left. My panther loved the place. I kept the radio turned up loud to keep my mind from diving too deep into itself on the drive up. It worked, for the most part, but then I had the hike up to the falls.

Five minutes into the hike, my mind pinwheeled down paths I didn't want it going. I didn't have a mate. Now that the curse had been broken, I'd probably never have one since panther shifters were so rare. I'd rejected the one who'd been fated to me. Even though, in my heart of hearts, I understood Ava could never really have been my mate and it had just been a cruel twist of Fate, the idea of never being mated ate at me.

Ever since losing Liam, I'd been overcome with a soul-crushing loneliness. Out of our little makeshift pack here in Lilly Valley, I'd been the one most desperate to have a family. To have my own little cubs running around. To have a mate who loved me, who would take care of me and whom I'd take care of in turn. That was all gone. Out the window because of some goddamned curse. Sure, I could try to find a panther mate, but that would be near-impossible. Panthers were the rarest shifters of all, even rarer than dragons.

Before my parents had died, we'd been part of a small pack with another family. Once my parents died, they'd joined a small panther pack in Montana with only a few unmated panthers. Even if I found them, I wouldn't find a mate there. I'd have to travel all across the country, maybe even through Canada or Mexico, to find a mate. Which would mean leaving behind the only family I had.

I was the last of my bloodline. When I died, the Walker panther line would be snuffed out. Forever tossed to the dustbin of history. Vanished like we'd never existed at all. That hit me hard. Liam and I had vowed to keep the family name going, which was why his infatuation with Ava had been so perplexing. We'd all known there was no way she could ever bear him children. My mind spiraled with old memories, future dread, and current pain.

The trip to the falls was supposed to make me and my panther better, but as I sat on a rock and watched the water cascade over the edge while the sun slowly set behind the trees, I only felt more depressed.

"Are you there, big guy?" I whispered to my panther. "Can you talk to me?"

Nothing. Not a growl or purr. It was like he wasn't even there at all. The sadness and agony had driven him even deeper than I'd initially thought.

I tried to shift, thinking that would make him feel better and coax him to the forefront of my mind, but he wasn't there for me to call on. Shifting wasn't a one-way street. I couldn't force it if he didn't want it, and vice versa.

The loss weighed heavily on me. Not the loss of Ava or a mate, but the relationship I'd had with my panther.