27. Miranda

It'slike I'm a leaf blowing in the breeze, flitting from here to there at the whim of the wind, not able to choose its own course. I'm tired of living my life like this. I want to choose my path and where I land. I need to decide what I want and what is best for me. If Declan fit into that life, it would be wonderful. Even though I'm still a bit muddled from what my mother—gah, I hate using the word—put me though, I know I love Declan. I want the future we dreamed of.

"Do you want wine, Miranda?" Kendall holds up the bottle.

We're in the living room of her condo and it's almost like when we were roommates in college, relaxing in our jammies on the couch, gossiping.

I shake my head. "No, sticking with soda."

"Pepsi?" Carter asks, popping his head above the door of the fridge.

"Yeah." I grab another slice of pepperoni pizza from the box on the coffee table.

Trev places my glass on the coaster next to the pizza boxes and settles in the spot on the couch next to me. I'm sandwiched between Carter and Kennie, enjoying being safe with my best friends. We spent many nights like this in college, the three amigos chilling out, eating pizza and watching movies.

"Thanks," I say.

"So, it was like a ceremony?" Carter asks. Referring to a ritual Teagan performed before I left for Kendall's.

"Yeah, a ritual. Teagan, Nora, Sophie, and the Zamboni driver from the rink." I turn to Carter. "Did you know he's Teagan's cousin?"

Carter nods. "Rhys. Yeah, he's a dragon shifter from Wales. I didn't know he was a witch too."

"He's a wizard from her dad's side. They are descended from Merlin. She has powers on both sides."

"Cool." He raises a brow and waves his slice of pizza at me. "Back to the ritual. Were you all naked?"

I punch him in the arm. "No. We were all dressed and in the living room of Teagan's penthouse. She said you would ask if we were sky-clad, and she told me to tell you to go stand naked on the beach first and then she'll consider it."

Kennie laughs. "Go on."

"We're in the living room, the lights are down low and there's a ring of candles I'm standing in the center of. The four of them are at the points of the compass. They say in unison, ‘north, south, east, west,'"

"Oh, dear lord." Trev groans, covering his face with his hands. "Please tell me you didn't say ‘Wickham U is the best' after that."

That was the start of a sideline cheer we used to perform. Kendall chokes on her wine and then laughs.

I'm laughing too. "I didn't, but it took all the restraint I had. So, they say that part and then Teagan says, ‘Our sister's powers were once bound. What was lost is now found. Our sister's powers are now set free, as we will, so mote it be.' It was beautiful. I felt a weight lift off me and power flow through me. Me repeating the words now won't cast any spells or anything. At my request, Teagan placed a kind of training wheel on my magic. Apparently, I have very strong powers, but I need to learn how to use them properly. She's going to train me. Nora too when she can visit. I can do simple things like turn on the lights or move the TV remote." I point and raise it about four inches off the table before it falls back down. "I need to work on that," I say sheepishly. "But I can't cast spells yet or anything."

"I guess I'll have to use my powers then," Kennie says as she leans forward and picks up the remote and points it at the TV. Our favorite movie, Bring It On, fills the screen. There have been times one or all of us would be on our feet doing the cheers along with the actors in the movie, but tonight we cuddle together on the couch with pizza and eventually popcorn and candy. Trev is breaking his nutrition plan by pigging out with us, but he said this was more important and he'd do extra work in the gym to make up for it. He's a goof, but he's my goof.

After the first movie, we take a break before starting Bring It On Again. It's just the two movies tonight, since Ken has to get up for work in the morning. We all do.

"I need a car," I announce. "I can't keep relying on everyone for rides and I want independence."

"To being independent." Kennie holds up her wineglass and I clink my soda with her. Trev clinks his beer bottle and echoes the sentiment.

"My old Explorer is in the garage at the house," Trev says. "You can borrow it until you find something you want to buy. Or you can lease it from me because I know you're stubborn and hate feeling like you're taking advantage."

"Thank you." I give him a peck on the cheek. He's right about me feeling guilty, but I know it makes him happy to help me out and it won't be for long.

"You're going to call your family's solicitor or whatever they're called in Ireland about the trust from your grandmother?"

I nod. "Yeah, I texted my Uncle Tadgh the Cliff Notes version of what is going on and asked for the name. He was able to give me the family solicitor's info and called to give him the heads up on the situation."

With the time difference, it was in the evening in Ireland when he called, but I guess with the money the maternal side of my family has, people answer at all hours.

"Hopefully," I say, "there's still something left from the trust my grandmother set up. I have savings and am used to being thrifty. I'll be okay, but I want security. I want to know I can take care of myself and not be reliant on you guys."

I should tell the truth, but I'm scared. I know the tea is still in my system and I shouldn't make any decisions, but in my heart, I know this is what I truly want.

Taking a deep breath, I blurt out, "I want a house."

Kennie squeals and bounces next to me. "There are always units for sale here. We could be neighbors. We could go for walks together and hang out. It would be great. This is a great neighborhood."

I smile. "That would be fun, but I want a house. A plain old boring house with a yard I can plant flowers in and watch them grow. Where I could unpack because no one is going to make me leave. I want to get a dog, maybe a cat. I want someplace mine no one else has control over."

What I truly want is peace, but I don't think they'd understand that. They haven't gone through what I have. Their childhoods were secure and even if Trevor's parents are the high-strung type-A sort, they love him. They've always had a home. Even as adults, they can go back to their childhood homes and be welcomed. The closest I've ever had to a home was with the Mackenzies as a child, but it was never my home.

"Do you want to be here?" Trevor asks. "Is this where you want to make your home?"

"I do. I've lived a quarter of my life in New Jersey. I don't have to pump my own gas. They have WaWa. Oh, and you two." I blow a raspberry in Trev's direction.

Trev nods. "The three amigos, together again."

That will have to be enough for now.

* * *

"Would you like tea, Miranda?" Stella asks as I take my seat on the team plane.

I shudder at the thought of tea. It will be a long time before I'm able to enjoy a cuppa again.

"Any chance you have hot cocoa?" I ask, hopefully.

Stella flashes me a warm smile. "I do. Marshmallows or whipped cream?"

"Whipped cream, please. Thank you."

"Of course."

Sophie walks up the aisle of the jet toward me. "Can I sit with you?"

I nod. "Of course."

"Good afternoon, miss," Stella says. "I'm Stella. Would you like something to drink after takeoff?"

"Hi Stella, I'm Sophie." She holds out her hand for Stella to shake.

Stella's smile widens. "Are you Declan's sister?"

"I am," Sophie says, her eyebrows arching. "Is it the accent?"

"No, you have the same color eyes."

Now my eyebrows are arching. I know there was never anything between Declan and Stella, but my gut reaction is jealousy.

"Oh," Sophie says. To me, she asks, "What are you drinking?"

"Hot cocoa with whipped cream, but Stella makes wonderful tea."

"I'll have cocoa too, please, with whipped cream." Sophie settles in the seat next to mine.

We are flying to Florida for the PHL All-Star game. Trevor, Bedard, Brick, and Crosby are playing in the game. Crosby got Declan's spot.

I hate that Declan is losing this opportunity. In the three days since everything went down with my mother, I've seen Declan in passing. He's been giving me the space I asked for. While I'm grateful for him respecting my wishes, I miss him. Before the romantic stuff happened, he was my friend, and it's like we don't even have that connection right now.

There are family members of some of the players and VIP fans on the plane to help fill the seats. Sophie is traveling with us, so she doesn't lose training time with Carter. We buckle up in our seats and chat about last night's game before takeoff. Once we are at altitude, Stella brings us our hot cocoa and a plate of snickerdoodles to share.

We each take a cookie and I moan. She heated them and the cinnamon sugar treat melts in my mouth. I glance over at Sophie, and she is chewing with her eyes closed, a blissed-out expression on her face. She must sense my eyes on her because she looks over and gives a half grin.

"This reminds me of when we were girls and Siobhan would let us help—"Sophie puts air quotes around that last word,"—her with the baking and then give us a treat."

Siobhan was the Mackenzie family cook when we were kids. She baked like a dream and would slip me apples and carrots to take to the horses.

I sigh. "I loved spending time with you doing that." Turning in my seat to face her, "Soph, what happened? We were such great friends and lately it seems like you're mad at me, and I offended or hurt you and I don't know why or how. I love you and want to make up for whatever I did."

Sophie turns in her seat to face me. Her tear-filled blue eyes are beautiful, but Stella is wrong. They're not the same color as Declan's.

"Oh Miranda, I'm sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. I wish I could blame everything on your narcissistic psychopath of a mother, but part of it was I was jealous of you."

I'm shocked. "Jealous of me? Why? You're beautiful and talented. You have a wonderful family that loves you." I reach out and take her hand. "Sophie, you have everything I've ever wanted."

She squeezes my fingers. "I know I'm blessed and I'm grateful for that. But I'm selfish. Growing up, everyone loved you. You were this perfect little girl everyone adored. I'm pretty sure you are my mother's favorite child."

I giggle at the absurdity of that. Nora Mackenzie's world is her children.

"I'm not kidding. The two of you get each other in a way she and I don't. I don't know if we're too similar or too different or a bit of both, but it can be difficult. I always wanted her attention, and as her daughter, I felt it was my right. But she was focused on you a lot and I was jealous. Knowing what we know now, and with whatever smidgeon of wisdom adulthood has given me, I'm grateful she was there for you. But sometimes I wanted it to be me and her, and it wasn't, because you were included." Tears slide down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Miranda."

I pat her hand gently. "Sophie, I understand. We were children and, of course, you wanted your mother's attention and to be separate from your brothers. I'm sorry I intruded. Things should have been different for both of us."

"I hate calling her your mother. I'm calling her Doreen from now on." She gives a watery laugh and uses the napkin Stella gave her with the cocoa to wipe her nose. "Doreen recognized how I felt and used that to drive a wedge between me and you. Between me and my family too. I can see now how she manipulated me. How she used that damn tea."

"It's scary." When I think about how easily Doreen could have poisoned me or drugged me with something stronger, my skin crawls. As crazy as it is, I'm grateful she showed some restraint in her machinations.

Now I'm reaching for my napkin to wipe my eyes.

Stella checks in on us to see if we need anything. "I'll get you tissues." I guess our faces tell the tale.

"Oh, Sophie. I'm sorry too." I pull her into a hug and squeeze her tight. It's weird to be the one initiating hugs but it's something I'm trying to do more of as part of my healing. "We were both victims. Can we put this behind us and start again? I love you and you've been like the sister I've always wanted. I don't want what happened to come between us."

Stella returns with the tissues, and we thank her. After we both take a moment to wipe our faces—Sophie declares she's grateful for waterproof mascara—and declare each other beautiful, we each grab a cookie and settle in our seats.

"I want to move forward in our friendship and be close again. I would love to have you as a sister." Sophie gives a slight grin. "Or a sister-in-law."

I blink rapidly to keep the tears from falling and wrecking what I cleaned up. I would love to be her sister-in-law. To be Declan's wife. But with everything that has happened and has come to light, I don't know if he still feels the same way about me.

Maybe she can read the emotions flitting across my face because Sophie leans toward me, an earnest expression on her face.

"Declan loves you. He wasn't under any spells or the influence of potions or anything. His heart has always been true, and it's always been yours. He's going to give you space because you asked him to. The next move is yours. If you want him, you have to tell him. But please, be sure. It would be kinder to break his heart now than to lead him on and break it later."

The last thing I would ever want to do is break Declan's heart. It's precious and I want it for myself. Letting go of Sophie's hand, I pick up my mug of not very hot cocoa and take a sip. With the time we had spent talking, the whipped cream had mostly dissolved, and the cocoa had cooled to a comfortable drinking temperature. Sophie grabs her mug, holds it toward me and we clink them in a toast.

"To moving forward." Sophie says.

"To moving forward," I echo.

We spend the rest of the flight to Florida gossiping and giggling. Maybe, just maybe, another little piece of my heart has been restored.

* * *

Even though it's January, the Florida temperatures are balmy compared to what we left behind in New Jersey. For the first time in weeks, I'm cold the second I go outdoors. Buses meet our plane to take everyone to the hotel the team has booked. Turns out it's a Clardmore Hotel.

"Did you know about this?" I ask Sophie.

She shakes her head and looks at me like I'm ridiculous. "No, I have nothing to do with the hotels and I'm not consulted on Devil Birds travel plans." With a grin, she adds, "At least we know the beds will be comfy."

"True. And you can probably get me a free dessert or something at dinner."

Sophie giggles. "Way to dream big, Miranda. I don't know if Declan's going to be able to afford you."

"Who's saying I won't be keeping him in the style he's accustomed to? I have a trust from my grandmother that will help make my future more comfortable."

Trevor takes the seat across the aisle from us. "You've already started spending your trust fund. And it will take some work before you're comfortable." He winks.

"What are you doing?" Sophie asks.

"I can't say anything yet because nothing is definite. As soon as I can discuss it, you will be one of the first to know. I promise."

The buses arrive at the hotel, and Daphne and I oversee assigning rooms like we do on team road trips. Other teams are staying at the same hotel, and they are in clusters in the lobby doing the same ritual. Each team in the league was able to send three players—two forwards and one defenseman—selected by a combination of fan vote and coach choice. Two goalies were chosen from each of the three conferences. The Devil Birds were able to have four players this way. Plus, Liam was named the head coach for the Atlantic conference. That's why I'm here, to be his assistant for everything with the game.

The atmosphere at the hotel and in the arena is incredible. There are meet-and-greets with the players where fans get to have items signed and their pictures taken. The different teams have parties for their fans and there are fun skill challenges for the players.

We are about to take our seats to watch the competitions when Trevor skates up to the bench and signals to Sophie. She goes over and he uses his stick to drop a couple of shirts into her waiting hands. He says something to her, causing her to nod and return to her seat.

"Here, have a jersey," she says.

I unfold it, expecting it to have Carter on the back, because that's what Sophie is pulling over her head. Instead, I see it has the name Mackenzie on the back. I gasp. Tears sting my eyes as I trace my fingers over the white letters. The tidy black stitches holding them on and adding contrast. I've always dreamed of being able to claim this name as my own. Goosebumps break out all over having nothing to do with the chill of the arena.

"How did he get this?" I ask once I manage to dislodge the lump in my throat. My heart is breaking Declan isn't here to wear his jersey with pride on the ice. I wish it was him giving this to me as a form of claiming and not Carter giving it to me as a form of consolation.

Sophie shrugs.

"They had already made Declan's jerseys before he was injured. When Trevor heard they were going to bin them, he got them to give them to him to give to me. But we both decided you're the one who should wear it."

Tears prick my eyes as I pull it on over the Devil Birds long sleeve tee I'm already wearing. Since it's sized for Declan to wear with all his pads, it's huge on me. I could probably add a belt and wear it as a dress. Sophie looks the same in her Carter jersey until she pulls a hair tie out of her purse and uses it to bunch up the excess material of the shirt at her hip in a cute, fashionable way. It always amazes me how people can style their outfits like that. If I tried, it would look like I had an apple attached to my hip. Better to let the shirt hang. It's big enough, I could wear it as a nightgown. If I don't have Declan to hold me, this jersey will have to do.

Brick wins the goalie competition by stopping the most goals in a row. I use my thumb and forefinger to whistle, and it makes Sophie jump.

"What the hell was that?" she asks.

I shrug. "Dec taught me when we were kids. The horses would come over when I did it."

Bedard is the champion of the hardest slap shot event and Carter is crowned the fastest skater. I love seeing my friends do well. I'm sharing high fives with Sophie, Mallory, Daphne, and also whatever fans are around us who are friendly. I celebrate when their players do well too. Not as much as when it's a Devil Bird, of course, but we all love hockey here and celebrate everyone. I think the tea has left my system. I'm feeling like the real me again, finally.

Crosby comes in third for the puck handling obstacle course. The skater has to maneuver a puck through cones similar to an agility dog going through weave poles. After that, they launch the puck over an obstacle and then hit a target in the goal. Whoever completed the circuit the fastest won. Honestly, I was surprised Crosby placed as high as he did, but some of the skaters were overconfident and showboating, and fumbled the puck.

I wish Declan were here. He would have aced the target shooting. A teammate passes the puck to the shooter, who fires them at five targets set up in the goal. The fastest to break the targets is the victor. I've seen Dec do drills like this, and he's like a machine gun. Ollie King of the Spokane Sasquatch won it, but I know it's because Declan wasn't here.

The actual All-Star Game will be tomorrow.

"It's a shame Declan isn't here," Sophie says, "enjoying the festivities and getting the recognition he deserves. It isn't fair."

"I was thinking the same thing," I say. "I hope his hand heals quickly and he can play the second half of the season, at least. And there's always next year's All-Star Game. I know this is the first of many years he's named an All-Star."

I know he's my All-Star.