13. Miranda

I tryto hear what Stone says to Declan and Carter after Brick and I leave my apartment and go to the common kitchen, but for once, he's speaking too quietly for me to hear him.

"So, you're the hot commodity," Brick says with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

Heat rushes to my cheeks, and I want to crawl under the counter. "I don't know what is going on with those two. They're ridiculous."

"Mac is all gooey for you, and Carter is territorial. He was the same way when Bedard and Kennie started seeing each other. Is he always like that?"

I shrug and watch Stone come out of the apartment, closing the door behind him. I wonder what that's about. Did they ask him to close the door, or does he think something is going to happen? I don't want to leave. I like it here. I want to stay. If there's a problem, it will be my fault and I'll have to leave. I'm tired of leaving.

Stone places a mixing bowl on the counter with a thud and turns to the fridge.

"How can I help?" I ask, desperate to end this conversation.

Stone holds up a shaker of cinnamon for me to inspect. "This okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine," I say. "Give me something to do."

The apartment door opens, and Carter and Declan come into the common kitchen. Dec places a mug of tea in front of me, the fragrant steam rising and feeling like a hug. Blinking quickly, I try to clear the tears springing to my eyes. I'm not used to someone taking care of me and thinking of me. It's overwhelming in the sweetest way possible, but I'm afraid to get used to it because when he stops, it will hurt even more.

"I forgot about the party. I'm sorry," Declan says. "Did you want to go?"

I smile. "I am going."

Dec returns my smile.

"With the group," I say to make sure there's no misunderstanding, or in case he thinks I'm expecting anything.

"Oh." His smile fades, and it's like the sun going behind a cloud. Damn it. Why do I do everything wrong?

"Do you have a dress?" Brick asks. "Or something dressy? All the girls are getting ready in a suite at Devil's Den. We can go shopping today."

I have a basic black dress that would probably work. Brick's offer feels like a hand extended in friendship, and I don't have many friends. But I hate shopping. I'd rather chew my own toenails.

"That would be great, thanks. I don't have anything. I sold or put a bunch of stuff in consignment when I left New Zealand. It's easier to get things when I need them than haul them from place to place. Traveling light makes it easier to start over."

"Why do you move around all the time?" Stone cracks an egg in a bowl to start the batter for the French toast.

How to answer this and not sound like a loser?

"Um. My parents traveled a lot for work. It was easier for me to be in boarding school to give me stability."

"But they'd move you at least every year," Dec says. "You had no stability."

I shoot him a glare. They don't need to know everything about how screwed up I am.

"Thanks, Dec," I say sarcastically. "Yes, I had to switch schools a lot because I never fit in. No place let me stay for a second year until my junior year of high school." I try hard to keep the bitterness out of my voice, but looking at the others, I'm pretty sure I didn't succeed.

His brow furrows in confusion. "That's not true."

I scoff. "It was my life. I think I'd know the truth. It's not like my parents moved me for the fun of it."

He opens his mouth like we are going to discuss this in front of everyone. Not going to happen. It's in the past and doesn't matter anymore.

"I'll finish cracking the eggs," I offer, desperate to change the subject, "if you want to get the rest of the stuff together."

The door from the stairs opens. When Stone is distracted, I grab the bowl and the carton of eggs and start cracking them.

"Hey," Kendall says cheerily as she enters, followed by Bedard. "I didn't expect everyone to be awake."

Everyone says good morning and continues with the breakfast prep and coffee pouring. It's nice to be included for once. I've never experienced feeling like I'm one of the gang like I do now. It's like the empty spaces in my heart are getting filled up. As wonderful as it feels, I'm afraid to trust it. It's going to crush me if it gets pulled away.

"Kennie," Brick says, "Randi and I are going dress shopping for New Year's. Want to go with us?"

Kennie turns wide eyes to me. "You hate shopping. Who are you and what you have you done with my best friend?"

I laugh, trying to hide my discomfort. "I need something to wear, Ken. Shopping is a necessity."

"There are dresses in my closet," Declan says.

I think I understand what he's saying, but before I can respond, Bedard claps him on the shoulder.

"Mac, we will support you in your choices, but your dresses won't fit Randi. You're twice her weight and almost a foot and a half taller than her."

Bedard's sincerity is touching, but the laughter slips out and soon I'm laughing hard enough to cause tears to stream down my face and Dec's deep chuckles join mine. When we finally compose ourselves, five expressions ranging from confusion to amusement are facing us.

"They aren't my dresses," Dec says. "They're dresses Miranda left behind when she moved to New Zealand."

My hand hovers over the bowl's edge, having stopped before I could crack it. For some reason, my heart has kicked into overdrive. "I thought you put them in consignment? You sent me the money," I peek at him over my shoulder, feeling inexplicably shy.

Dec's expression is sheepish. "That was too much effort. Go see if any of it will work."

"Wait." Brick holds up her hands in loose fists and shakes them like they were a set of my old pom-poms. I wonder if he has those stashed in the closet, too? I'll have to snoop when I unpack. "You move her dresses around with you? That's so romantic."

Not sure I'd call it romantic, but it's sweet. As is the blush creeping up his cheeks from under his beard.

Stone looks up from the bread he's pulling out of the wrapper. "I'm going to make a French toast casserole instead of individual slices. You have time to play dress up, Randi."

Kennie pulls her phone out of her jeans pocket. "Want me to text Mallory and Daphne? I think they're all at the house."

Shrugging, I say, "Sure. You all have a better idea of what is appropriate than I do. I'm not good at this stuff. I have a black knit dress I use for everything."

Ken's fingers fly across her screen. "They'll be here in five minutes. What size shoe do you wear?"

"US seven and a half."

More typing. Ken grins and glances up. "Same size as Daph. If you need something, she's got you covered."

"Um, okay…" Sharing shoes isn't something I like to do, but whatever.

Bedard opens the apartment door to let in Mallory and Daphne. They must have been on their way because it hasn't been five minutes.

Daphne hugs me, hard. "Yay, we'll get you ready for the party, like fairy godmothers."

Then she bursts into tears. While laughing. "Sorry, hormones." She pulls a pocket pack of tissues from somewhere around her boobs. At our stunned looks, she pulls a What? face. "I don't have pockets, but I've got these puppies." She cups her boobs. I swear they've grown a cup size since last night. "And they're going to be useful."

Declan stands. "I'll show you where the dresses are."

We follow him into our apartment, and I lead the way into my bedroom.

"Oh, this is nice," Daphne says. I didn't make my bed yet, leaving Dec's Scottie dog sheets visible. "Scotties, I love them. I think Birdie needs a puppy."

She rubs her belly, and I swear it grew along with her boobs overnight.

"Are you sure Birdie is the only one in there?" I ask in what I hope is a diplomatic way.

Declan is behind Daphne, frantically shaking his head no and doing a "cut" motion across his throat.

An unholy growl comes from sweet Daphne, and I take a step back.

"Yes. I am carrying one huge baby. Huge because I was stupid enough to fall in love with a giant." She spins around and pokes Dec in his chest. "When you get your wife pregnant with your humongous spawn, you better spoil her and bring her ice cream and brownies and French fries. And watermelon. Even in December."

Declan's eyes connect with mine. "Anything she wants, I will get her. I'll do anything for her."

It feels like he's making a promise to me, not reassuring Daphne. I know that's not true. I'm not his future wife or mother of his children-to-be, no matter how I wish that were the case. He doesn't think of me that way. I'm his sister's best friend. And his friend.

Opening the door to the closet, I turn on the light and walk in. Other than a quick glance my first night, I haven't explored it. That was my plan for today as I unpacked.

"Wow." Daphne turns a full circle to take in the shelves, drawers, racks, and bench. This closet is larger and nicer than any bedroom I've had since leaving for my first boarding school.

"You're a very tidy man, Declan Mackenzie," Mallory says. "Can you teach your coach your ways?"

"Thanks." Dec blushes again. My heart melts a little bit each time he gets that embarrassed little boy look on his face. I flash back to all the time we spent at the gazebo and our play weddings, and I wish we could go back to those simpler times.

He goes to the section of our shared close where he stores his suits and grabs a bunch of garment bags. Walking to my half, he hangs them on a rod. "Here are the dresses."

The moment he steps away, Mallory and Kendall swoop in on the bags like seagulls going for French fries, and start unzipping the bags.

Dec comes back with some shoeboxes and small tubs.

"And the shoes and bags."

Brick and Daphne open those and start pulling everything out and placing them on top of the counter area in the center of the closet.

I turn and am mesmerized by his sparkling blue eyes. He has a soft smile on his face, watching our friends enthuse over my fashion choices.

The closet is huge, but with him standing across from me, looking at me like he never wants to look anywhere else, it shrinks. I press my back against the shelves, trying to find room. I shake my head and look away.

"I can't believe you kept all this stuff and moved it around with you."

"It's a couple of garment bags and some small boxes, not a big deal." He reaches out for my hand and my tummy flips. "Come see what else I have."

I follow him around a corner—this closet is big enough it has separate chambers within it—and slides open a mirrored door. I gasp when I see what this closet holds.

"Oh my goodness, I thought this was gone." Tears spring to my eyes.

"What?" Daphne comes rushing—well, her version of rushing—into the area we are. The others trail after her.

I sniff and reach into the closet to pull out my favorite thing from high school.

"He has my hockey gear," I say, pushing the words out around the lump in my throat. "From high school."

"You play hockey?" Brick asks.

I nod. "I was a forward on my high school team."

"Two-time state champion," Dec says proudly.

"I played two years. They've won more years than that."

"You were a cheerleader and a hockey player? You're badass," Mallory says in awe.

Shaking my head, I correct her. "I wasn't a cheerleader until college. Wickham didn't have a hockey team. I had to try something new."

"Wait, you hadn't cheered at all until Wickham?" Kennie says. "I knew you didn't do all-star cheer, but I assumed you cheered in high school."

"Nope, I studied the Bring It On movies and the competitions on TV. I'm a quick study and good at athletic things."

"I've known you for over six years but it's like I don't know anything about you. How is that possible?" The hurt look on Kennie's face is the last thing I want. I hug her.

"Ken, I don't like talking about myself or my past. I deflect. It's not personal. I'm not trying to hide things. There's no point in talking about them."

She returns my hug with a sniffle thrown in for good measure.

"We gotta get you on the rink downstairs," Brick says.

"But first we need to go through your dresses," Mallory says.

Stone calls out from the main kitchen, "First you need to come eat unless you want to starve."

My stomach growls and makes the easiest decision of the day.

"Coming," I call back. If our faces are full of food, no one can ask me questions and I can't be expected to answer them. Activate the French Toast Forcefield. Tastiest deflection shield around. Maybe the maple syrup can reattach some of the bits of armor that have come loose. I know eventually I will have to shed it in order to make the true connections I want, but I'm not ready for it to fall away completely yet. I'm willing to stop deflecting as much as I have in the past, but it doesn't mean I'm ready to deal with a bunch of direct hits with nothing to shield me. I'm working on being braver, not foolhardy.