Epilogue Teddy

T he past weeks had been glorious, the weather warm and dry as the sun warmed our skin and hearts. Well, that's what the woman on the local radio had said yesterday as I drove up to see Ned so we could have lunch together. A new little routine we'd developed as we figured out how to live like this. The two of us. Together.

Not that it was difficult, and I looked back at the past year with a smile on my face, wondering what on earth I had been thinking, worrying so much about what the future would bring because the future was right here. Him and me. Us.

That woman on the radio would be eating her words this morning. Fool's Spring indeed because here was that Second Winter, the one we'd completely forgotten about. Whoever was running the weather up there was clearly having a laugh, as the snow was belting down outside, with several hours' worth having already deposited a thick layer on the ground.

At least I hadn't changed my spiked winter tyres for summer ones yet, I thought as I pottered around in the laundry room trying to find all the bits of winter gear I would need today, laughing at Ned swearing over a lost glove and had I seen his favourite woolly hat somewhere?

I hadn't, but he had at least ten of them milling around. There were two in my truck, and I probably had one of his on my head. Our clothes had mingled, and I didn't know where my things ended and his things started anymore. I was also laughing because I was sure the thermals he was wearing were mine since the waistband was bunched up and secured with an elastic band.

He was still a skinny little thing despite his height and the bulk to his chest and arms. I was broader and wider. It was just the way things were, and we were a perfect fit. He'd also had a haircut, which I wasn't sure about. I'd loved his long hair, but this Ned was clean cut and smooth-shaven and handsome as anything. It made my stomach surge just looking at him.

"I was going to take you shopping this evening, but fuck that," he said, passing me by with a soft kiss on my cheek.

"Agree. I don't fancy skidding around in this stuff later."

"Want me to grab pizza before I come back? Watch some TV?"

"You know what happens when we decide to watch TV." I winked because yes. We'd cuddle up on the sofa, and inevitably, one thing would lead to another, and then we'd both be walking funny the next morning.

"There are rules for that sort of thing," he grumbled from the hallway where he was lacing up his work boots.

"Yeah, rules that we never follow."

I still loved making him laugh. Loved how he blushed. How he hobbled over to me wearing just one boot so he could wrap his arm around me and rub his nose against mine.

"Babe." He grinned. "I'll let your ass have a break tonight, promise. It's just…you're kind of irresistible."

"These." I held down the neckline of my top, showing off some impressive bruises on my skin. "Are not attractive." He had a thing for marking me, sucking my skin into his mouth in the throes of our sofa make-out sessions, the ones where we were supposed to be watching some series when we'd not even made it through the first episode. There were better things to do than pay attention to the TV.

I still didn't get enough sleep. He still nuked everything in the microwave, but we were trying.

This house that had always been my home—it was a different place now, with Ned in it. There was nothing left of my childhood apart from my old bedroom. I'd cleared it out a bit and finally thrown away my old bed. It felt right. Like the end of an era where I'd finally let go and stepped fully into adulthood. I'd felt awfully grown up as I'd stripped the wallpaper from what had once been my dad's room, painted the bare walls bright white and got someone to come in and sort out the flooring. It was now a bedroom, a proper one, where our huge bed dominated the space, flanked by two of Ned's old chairs that masqueraded as tables. Nightstands, he called them, breaking into a bit of English. He rarely did these days except for when he couldn't find the right words. And babe , of course, because I was still his babe, and he loved me. I had no doubts about that as he handed me a steaming cup of coffee and some kind of bill he was struggling to make sense of.

"It's not mine," he said, pushing the paper into my hand. No name on it, just something about the fee being due on the safety deposit box at the bank's vaults in town, and if the owner no longer required said box, the contents needed to be removed.

I read the letter over and over. "We don't even have an account with that bank, so no idea what Dad would have kept there."

"Maybe it was his large collection of gold bars?"

"Doubt it. Could have been his treasured autograph. He kept telling me the story of how he met one of the girls from ABBA, and she signed something for him, and then he lost it."

"Could be worth something." Ned smiled. "Anyway, what time does the bank close? Do you want me to come with you?"

"Nah." I put the paper away. It could wait for another day when the snow wasn't belting down and I didn't have better things to do.

Turned out I didn't have better things to do since the weather was stopping me from mapping out my planting schedule and everything was wet and cold, so I loaded myself in the truck and went shopping, picked up the things we needed. Treats for Ned. I'd never known a man eat so much chocolate, but he liked it and probably needed the energy after running around after those heifers all day.

He loved it up at Violet's, and it showed. He never complained about heading up there and would come back down in the evening full of stories and smiles. Life as a dairy farmer agreed with him, despite the calluses and the new intake of farmhands and that Kamila and her husband were leaving to move back to Poland—he'd almost cried when she'd told him.

But this was life. People came and went. The seasons changed. The years added another number at the end, and it was fine. Life like this, it was okay.

There would be days when we would struggle. Days when Ned would shout at me for being an idiot. I would call him a twat and slam the door. Take a walk. Shake it all off because I knew it would be mere minutes before he came after me, calling my name and jumping into my arms.

He'd been right. He'd once been this weird American boy who'd lived a life I could only have dreamed of. A boy who'd worn his heart on his sleeve, been loud and proud and talked openly about his obsession with movie stars, his adoration for pop stars with blinding smiles. I'd been at the back, in the corner, with my heart beating out of my chest, wondering if everyone could tell how his words affected me, trying to hide my smile when he made everyone else laugh. Pretended I was indifferent.

I'd grown more confident over the years, but he'd always been there. A memory. My first. The guy who'd taught me I was loveable. The guy who'd taken my virginity and left me with a big gaping hole in my heart. In my life. A hole I'd never been able to fill, all the puns intended.

Funny how things worked out. I smiled, driving past Violet's farm, seeing the large milk tanker parked at the loading station. Violet stood on the forecourt with her clipboard, holding her hand up in greeting as I did the same in return.

I drove on, letting the trees pass me by, a mass of green blending with browns, the grey asphalt now visible as the snow was melting as fast as it was falling. By the evening, it would be frozen solid, casting the world in a sheet of ice. This was life, ever-changing around me as I turned on the radio and let the music quieten my thoughts.

In town, I parked and clambered out onto the pavement, slamming the door behind me as I recoiled slightly. Pete. Not a person I wanted to run into, but here he was, reaching out his hand in greeting like he was pleased to see me. I promptly crossed my arms. Enough.

"So," he said, a smile on his face. It wasn't a pleasant one. "Flora finally dumped you for that vet?"

I rolled my eyes so hard I could almost hear them move in my head.

"Pete, that vet is called Vincent, and mind your own business."

"And I hear you're still letting that Ned lodge with you?"

It was the normal Pete bullshit, but it made me see red. Did I really have to spell it all out for him again?

"Are you really that stupid?" I glared at him, enjoying the way he squirmed.

"It's not right," he said quietly, standing down a little.

"Let me ask you this. That woman you have living down at the farm—your wife. Anette, is it? Is she lodging too? Or are you actually being a decent human being and showing her the respect she deserves?"

"I…," he stumbled, a red blush on his cheeks.

"I like dick, Pete. Ned likes dick. We've liked each other's dicks since school, and on top of that—are you listening? Paying attention this time?"

I was spitting the words out in anger, but it was time to say it.

"You were an arsehole at school, always talking crap and being a bully. You used to push me down the stairs, remember? Was that fun? Do you think treating other people like shit made you look good? I have no idea who taught you all the bullshit you keep spouting, mate, but it didn't look good on you back then, and it doesn't now. People laugh at you. You do realise that, don't you?"

"You're one to talk, living down there in abominable sin."

I held my hand up again and took a step closer to him, still staring him down. It felt good.

"Ned is my partner. He's a strong, kind, honest bloke who cares about people more than he should. He's not only a hardworking local farmer, he's also the person I love, and you need to get that into that thick head of yours. Love is everything. So you can take all that bullshit hate you keep spouting and shove it. And while you're at it, you need to apologise to Lilly Fischer down at Bella's Farm for the crap you posted on the landowner forum last week. Both her parents are men. Her husband is a decent bloke. You know that, yet you still post bullshit copied off social media that even your kids know is downright wrong."

I had to stop and breathe. Pete was still trying to square up to me in his stupid jeans and shirt. We were the same age, yet he looked decades older, his hair thinning and his skin more weathered than mine. He'd been that popular guy at school, now he was just pathetic.

I smiled. I couldn't help myself. Maybe I was being mean. Maybe I was just tired. Or maybe the past couple of years had made me finally grow into this big, tall body of mine.

"Pete, perhaps it's time to leave the landowner forum to people who actually want a better future here. People with kids who deserve better than being bullied by idiots with no sense. You never cared about anyone else but yourself, you never cared about the future, but trust me, there will be some kid growing up here who will one day come for you, and I don't mean with violence. They will come with knowledge and kindness and great ideas and push you right off your imaginary throne. Just like that."

Pete shrank a few inches, like he'd never had anyone stand up to him and call him out before. I'm sure people had. I was just late to the party.

"Go home, mate," I said. "And take a tip from a gay bloke." I leaned closer, poked a finger in his chest. "Sunscreen. Factor thirty all year round would have saved you from all those nasty wrinkles."

Then I walked off, leaving him standing there. Yes, that parting shot was unkind, but after all the crap he'd said to me over the years, I think, well, whether he deserved it or not, I finally felt good enough about myself to be confident in my own, wrinkle-free skin, and I walked into the bank with my head held high.

The reception was unfamiliar in a building I'd never noticed let alone been in before, but I flashed the letter and my ID at the clerk, who promptly got me to sign a ton of paperwork and then led me to the vaults at the back, handed me a box and told me to buzz the intercom when I was ready to leave. There were paper bags in a corner should I require something to carry the contents in .

The box seemed to weigh nothing as I gently shook it. No doubt Dad playing me for a fool. Another letter? I'd opened the last one he'd left me. I'd put it off for ages, not wanting to let go. It was hard accepting that those would be the last words of his I'd ever read. I'd kept them all, of course, in a drawer in Ned's fancy desk that sat downstairs next to the sofa, his stupid computers on top. He still gamed sometimes, mostly with Flora, and like he said, it didn't matter where he was in the world, the gaming community was still there. His old mates still the same, laughter and screaming coming through his headphones as he blew off some steam.

It had never been for me. I didn't like those kinds of things. I liked the way I lived now. Simple rules.

Fuck it. I shook the box again, listening to the contents rattling around. Metal against plastic.

Deep breath.

My dad had loved games. He'd hidden things for me to find on my birthdays. Given me little clues. Laughed when I'd finally cottoned on and run off to find my treasures. I'd been a small child then, and there were other memories popping up in my mind. My mother. Laughter. A time when things had been different. The before to the after. Things had gone full circle once again. The before and the after.

I opened the box and sighed with relief.

I knew what this was. I didn't even need to turn the photograph around. It had been displayed on our wall when I was a child, then it had disappeared, taken down because it had hurt too much. I got it. Fuck, of course, I got it.

My mum in an old-fashioned wedding dress, my dad with far too much hair. Two gold wedding bands. Beaming smiles.

I traced my fingers over the faded print, feeling the edges of the photograph against my skin. This was something that had meant everything and was no longer there. Something that had been snatched away, never to be returned.

I was glad I was alone because I needed time to process this small miracle of sorts. I'd never known what had happened to this photograph. Nor to the ring on my dad's finger, the one on Mum's, but as I tipped the box to the side, I spotted a small chain with a delicate charm.

He hadn't wanted to keep it but hadn't been able to throw it away, and I guessed my Aunt Emma had done this. Got a lease on this box for a year, my name on the paperwork, knowing I'd find it eventually.

Maybe I should text her and thank her. Or maybe not. Perhaps a dignified silence was better. Leave things be.

I didn't need a paper bag; I put everything in my pocket and walked out to my car, taking a few minutes to sit and breathe. Then I put my foot on the pedal and drove home. Sat in my kitchen, letting the rings twirl around my fingers, the photograph resting gently against this morning's coffee cup. I got nothing done, and maybe that was for the best. Maybe this was the way to deal with things. Just rest and let life find its solutions.

That was how Ned found me hours later, sitting there with my dad's wedding ring rolling gently between my fingers.

"You okay?" he asked, and I was. I smiled and held out my hand, showing him the rings on my palm.

"Was that what the bank thing was about?"

"Yup. My old man. I don't think he could bear to throw these away, so he left them for me to find, but not until he knew I could deal with it. Until it was my choice. You know, Kitten, I think he did the right thing because it would have destroyed me completely a year ago. I was wrecked as it was, just sitting here in this empty shell of a life with nothing to make me get up in the morning apart from the fact that I needed to work. I needed to put one foot in front of the other and get on, and that's what I did, and now…"

"Now what?" he asked, reaching out and stroking down my face.

"I don't want to lose you," I whispered, suddenly overcome with something that made it hard for me to swallow.

"I'm right here," he said softly. "Not leaving you. Ever."

"I don't want things to change. I like this. As we are. "

"I do too." He held my hand, his fingers intertwining with mine. "And whatever silly thoughts are scaring you right now, you can forget about it. You're not getting rid of me. I have no idea why I waited so long to come back here. I always knew I would. I just didn't know how, but I'm here now."

"You are." I had no words, too many thoughts swirling around in my head, but I had calm. A new kind of calm, one where I finally felt steady. Where things made sense around me and I could, for once, think clearly. "You know, Ned," I started, then had to stop. Lean over and kiss his lips. "I don't think I handled this very well because I didn't think I was supposed to. When Mum died, everything about her just disappeared, like she'd never even been here, and that's how Dad and I dealt with it. Pretended everything was fine when it wasn't. Nothing was fine. I tried to do the same after Dad died, and it doesn't work like that. I needed…I don't know. But I think I need to process everything still and figure stuff out."

"You're doing well," he said. "You've done really well. One day at a time, babe."

"One day at a time," I agreed. Good. I was good. Ned was good. He was so, so good for me. Things were pretty brilliant, actually.

"Violet talks about your mum. You should maybe go sit down with her one day and let her tell you those stories. She told me your mum was the life and soul of any party. She was a city girl, and everyone thought she would fail spectacularly at being part of life here. Instead, she made friends with everyone and baked and helped out and even dragged Violet along to one of her yoga classes. Nobody even knew what yoga was back then. Look at this town now. There's even a Pilates studio and a gym. Violet's scandalised."

I smiled, still unable to laugh. I looked at the rings still twirling around my fingers. "Dad must have hurt and hurt for years. He never said anything, and here I am, crying in supermarkets because I can't figure out how to shut the feelings off."

"Don't shut the feelings off. I'm right here. "

"I know."

"You and me. The sky and the earth. All the trees. All those goddamn trees, Teddy. We're right where we're supposed to be. You and me. Bunch of cats. A billion mosquitoes."

"You and—" I stopped, choked up by the riptide of feelings that tore through me. Him and me. This place. Life.

We sat there a long time, him holding my wrists, me just existing, a calmness surrounding us even when something crashed to the ground in the living room. He didn't even flinch. Bloody cats.

"This was my dad's wedding ring," I said eventually. "He never took it off. I thought he'd been buried with it. Cremated. Whatever. I was too lost to pay attention at the time."

"Understandable."

"And this one here was my mum's. Didn't know he had it. And the chain…she wore it around her neck. I don't think there was a single picture of her not wearing it—look. She even wore it on her wedding day."

"And now you have it."

"Now I have it."

He gently took the rings out of my hand. "Does your dad's one fit you?"

I shrugged.

"Can I see?" I nodded, and he slid it onto my finger, where it seated itself. "A perfect fit." He smiled at me. "I think you should wear it. One day, we might even make it official. Mr Backman."

"And what? You wear my mum's?"

He chuckled and wiggled his fingers.

"Doubt it will fit, though I do have small, beautiful hands."

"Idiot," I muttered, picking up Mum's ring and sliding it onto his finger. It got stuck around his first knuckle.

"Perfect," he said with a big, cheesy grin. "I didn't think it would fit."

I shook my head, laughing. "Like a fairy tale."

"I'm obviously your Cinderella."

"Indeed. "

"They're your rings."

"Ours," I said, shivering as I got that strange feeling again where life somehow shifted and everything righted itself, fell into place.

"I want to take you out in the forest. There's a place amongst the trees where the ground is covered in blue anemones. They're so rare, but they've always grown there. It's stunning in spring. Not so stunning right now with this slushy rain going on, but the next time we get some sun, I'll show you. Dad always took me there."

"Then take me there."

"I will."

"And when we get there, what will we do?"

"Well," I mused. "It will be sunny and bright, and we will sit down on the ground, let the sun warm our faces. And then I'll ask you, and you can ask me back, and maybe we'll say yes, and we'll laugh about it."

"Not a laughing matter. I don't just want a ring on my finger, Teddy. A piece of paper with your name on it next to mine is essential here. I want it all. Don't go short-changing me on life events."

"Life events." I grinned. "Is that what we're calling it?"

"We could maybe just…I don't know. Put these rings in a frame. Or have both of them remade into two new rings for us. Do you think your mum and dad would've been okay with that?"

"I think they would have hated these rings sitting in a box in some bank vault. That's not what they were made for. What do you think?"

"I think they meant the world to a couple who loved each other very much. Maybe we can give them another go at life."

"Yeah." I shuddered. "A bit deep. Can we just chill for a bit? Did you get pizza?"

"Hell. Yeah, it's still sat in the truck. What am I like?"

"Well, you better get it in and nuke it."

"For you…"

"Yeah?"

"For you, I'd move across the world. Move mountains. Traverse oceans. Get pizza. Even though I still think Swedish pizza is a crime against humanity."

"Swedish pizza is awesome. What toppings did you get?"

"Prawn, banana and curry, of course. What other toppings are worth getting?"

"Well, none, of course."

And there we went again, and life went on because life was just what it was, and sometimes it was really good. Almost perfect.

Him and me. The sky and the earth. All the trees. Us.

And those bloody cats.