15. Jesse

JESSE

"Hey, you made it!"

My mother waved me over when I arrived at the field. I'd hated missing most of the game today, but we were working on a company-wide system upgrade, making a Saturday morning meeting necessary for our international branches. I'd already seen Maddie kick a few goals, so while it sucked to miss today's game, my mother was able to come while my father worked.

I was "embracing the village," like my new therapist had suggested at our first appointment yesterday. I'd thought I'd have to wait weeks to see someone, but Dr. Asher had managed to get me an intake appointment this week. I'd called her office on Monday, expecting only to be able to leave a message, but she'd gotten on the phone with me right away to ask what happened. I spewed out most of the story, how I'd gotten drunk while I was out and alone because of all the repressed grief, and before it all got even more out of hand, I needed help.

I'd left out the part about all I'd confessed to Emily and how the kiss I hadn't had the balls to go for sober had shifted the entire dynamic between us—or pulled us enough out of daily denial to make it painfully awkward in every interaction we'd had since.

I'd left that for the therapist I'd pay for to deal with, not the one extending sympathies because my niece was her patient.

Dr. Asher had thought it was important to see someone as soon as possible, while it was all still raw, and as I sat there for over an hour at my first appointment pouring everything out like a big breath I'd been holding in, I had to agree that timing was everything. I had a long way to go, but the first step in the right direction was already a massive relief.

Maddie had lost her mother, but she still had family who loved her and had an active role in raising her. I was her guardian, but I wasn't alone. We weren't alone. And like Emily had pointed out, if I didn't take care of myself, I wouldn't be much good to my kid or anyone else.

"Barely, but yes. How's it going?" I bent to kiss my mother's cheek as I surveyed the field. I smiled as Maddie raced across it with a cluster of kids, her eyes narrowed while she focused on the ball as she passed it to Jeffrey next to her. After a few games, even though I was no expert, it was easier to point out who might continue with soccer. The kids had stopped crowding the ball as much and mostly just ran back and forth behind the kids who appeared to know what they were doing and were more than happy to take over.

"It's almost over. One goal for today, but she's a force. Doesn't like to give up the ball," Mom said with a chuckle. "She's stopping to eat the snacks, at least, since running up and down is giving her an appetite, I think."

Emily had said she saw a future in soccer for Maddie if she continued to love it and would want one. I wanted a future with Maddie's coach but was working on the best way to ask.

Burying that cupcake in the dirt in front of Tessa's grave had felt a lot more final than her funeral had, but the closure I'd run away from for so long had come with an unexpected relief. I'd dug out old pictures of Tessa and showed them to Maddie, and we'd talked about her more this week than we had in the past eight months.

It still hurt and always would, but once I'd accepted that Tessa was gone for good, it was easier to keep her memory alive—or had been so far. I'd decorated the house with some photos of Tessa and me as kids, including the last one we'd taken together the day I'd helped her move in to her first apartment, her bright and hopeful smile so much like her daughter's.

If she'd had this much faith in me, I had to learn to have faith in myself.

"I'm sorry I missed it," I said as I scanned the field, waving to Maddie once she spotted me. I clenched my jaw when I noticed Alex was the ref for today, as he'd been the last couple of games. I bet he was requesting Emily's games, and I wasn't the only one who watched when he always veered toward her team's side of the field to talk to her.

But if Emily wasn't mine, there was nothing I could say. If I was lucky enough to change that, I'd have no problem setting him straight and I very much looked forward to it.

"You came!" Maddie yelled as she slammed into me. I swore she'd grown two inches since she'd moved in with me, as I didn't have to bend as much to meet her eyes.

"Of course I did. And that is the only Saturday meeting I'll need to have for a very long time, so I won't miss any more games." I smoothed the hair off her sweaty forehead.

"Sorry I didn't get to say hello."

I craned my neck to Emily's voice as she came up to my mother.

"Don't be sorry. You were busy," Mom said, rising from the folding chair to give her a hug.

"Hey, Jesse," Emily said, her smile for my mother fading once she spotted me, thanks to new tension between us. I found it better than the denial creating space between us that—I believed—neither of us wanted.

"See you later," Alex said, a wry grin aimed at Emily as he touched her shoulder. "Thanks again. And good game, kiddo," he said, throwing my niece a surprised smile as if he'd forgotten there were any kids on the field.

"See you later?" I narrowed my eyes at Emily. "What is there a league thing today?"

"She's going on a date," Maddie offered. "He asked her before the game."

"He asked…what?" I raised my head and found Emily's sheepish gaze.

"It wasn't exactly like that?—"

"So, he didn't ask you out on a date in front of a bunch of eight-year-olds?"

I caught my mother's scowl and took in a deep breath to calm down and lower my volume.

"Here," Maddie said, unfastening her earrings and dropping them into Emily's hand. "You can wear them on your date and be even prettier. I heard my mom really liked you, so she would be okay if you wore her earrings for a night."

"Oh my gosh," Emily whispered, staring at the earrings in her hand before closing her fingers around them. "I remember these earrings, and I'd be honored." She cleared her throat and smiled down at Maddie. "I really liked your mom too."

Maddie's mom would want her to wear those earrings on a date with me, and it was all I could do not to scream that. But this was the price I had to pay for hesitating.

This was wrong. She shouldn't be going on dates with slimy referees or anyone else but me. When Caden had said to fight for her, I'd never thought I would actually have to. Did I think she'd just wait around for me? How fucking stupid and arrogant was I?

I kept drawing these bullshit boundaries between us since Emily had come back into my life. Waiting until I had my shit together wasn't an option if I didn't want to lose her for good.

So, I would fight for her.

Because enough was enough.

"You guys have a good day," Emily said, sweeping her gaze quickly over all of us. "I'll take very good care of these, I promise." Her eyes darted to mine for a moment before she shifted to leave.

"Did you hear when and where Coach Emily's date is?" I asked Maddie, my eyes still lingering on Emily as she left the field.

"Six, I think, at Julianna's."

I expected my mother to glower at me or pull me aside to whisper to get a grip, but a small smile ghosted her lips as she came closer.

"How about a sleepover?" she asked Maddie. "You can tell Grandpa all about the goal you kicked today, and we'll order dinner. We can follow Uncle Jesse home in my car, and we can pack a bag for tomorrow."

Maddie pursed her lips and grabbed my hand.

"But I haven't seen Uncle Jesse all day."

"He's got some work to do," my mother whispered, arching a brow when she met my eyes over Maddie's head. "An overdue project."

Maddie crinkled her nose. "But you said you were done with work."

"I am, Mad," I whispered, kissing her forehead. "But this is important too. I promise we'll have a popcorn movie night tomorrow, so make sure to remember all the game details for me."

She gave in with a reluctant nod and peered up at me. "The popcorn-maker popcorn, not microwave?"

"Yes, only the best popcorn for my favorite niece." I tugged on her braid, courtesy of her grandmother.

"Thank you," I mouthed to my mother.

She nodded and leaned in to kiss my cheek.

"Go get our girl."

I'd spent a lifetime letting the world have the girl, now woman, I'd loved because I'd thought she was better off without me. I was done, but I hoped not too late.

But for now, I'd head home and help my niece pack a bag for a night at her grandparents' house.

I had a date to crash.