13. Jesse

JESSE

I squeakedmy eyes open and clenched them right back shut as pain ricocheted across my temples. I cupped my forehead, shielding my eyes before I squinted at my window, the sun peeking through just enough to make my splitting headache even worse.

I didn't remember much of last night or how I'd even gotten into bed. How much had I had to drink to almost black out?

I eased up to sitting and glanced at the clock on my nightstand. Panic laced through me for a minute as I shot up to get Maddie, then remembered she was with my parents.

On a trip to distract them all from my sister's birthday today.

Despite the painful haze I'd woken up in, I couldn't forget that. I'd inhaled most of a bottle of whiskey trying. I'd felt off from the time my parents had picked Maddie up, like a fungus or residue lingered on me that I couldn't wipe away or shake. I felt my sister's loss every day, but I was too busy holding things together for Maddie's sake and so afraid of being a screwup as a parent that it hadn't sunk all the way in that my sister was truly gone. I'd managed to hold it back from seeping into that last layer, the one that made it permanent.

When I'd spoken to Maddie on the train back from my meeting, she'd sounded like a typical kid after indulging in all the water rides and, I was sure, all the junk food my parents could throw at her. I didn't want her to hurt or dwell on the loss of her mother, but I wanted her to remember her enough to miss her today.

Maybe that was my fault.

I hardly brought up my sister, not by name anyway. I'd constantly ask Maddie if she was okay and told her if she was sad, she could talk to me, but neither of us ever mentioned Tessa. I wondered if Maddie didn't mention her for the same reason I didn't—we were afraid of both missing her too much and making the other upset if we brought her up.

When Maddie had told me she'd helped my mother make the best cupcake for her mom's birthday before they'd left for the park, because it "doesn't matter if it's fresh or not since we're just going to bury it," something broke inside me. The deep crack in my chest I'd tried so hard to ignore had finally burst open.

My sister couldn't celebrate her birthday, eat the cupcake her daughter had helped bake for her, or call me a dork after I'd woken her up at the crack of dawn to sing "Happy Birthday."

I'd had months for it to settle in and to start to accept it. I'd thought enclosing Maddie and myself into a bubble and putting all my focus on being what she needed, all while ignoring how much it hurt to lose my baby sister, was the best way to move on and heal.

Yesterday, the pain had become too deep and all-consuming to ignore, and now I couldn't escape it.

Once I'd decided to drink myself into oblivion, I'd texted Caden to get me, but I couldn't recall anything else after. The entire night was like a fuzzy dream that began to fade before I could register any of the details. The image of punching my address into a GPS screen fluttered in my mind, but I couldn't see who the driver was.

Who had brought me home?

I groaned as I pushed off the bed to stand, pressing my finger into my temple to stop the pain. I had never been a big drinker, but either my age made a night of alcohol that much harder to recover from or I'd just drunk that much. Maybe a combo of the two. I shrugged it off until I noticed the dents on both sides of the bed, as if I hadn't been alone here last night.

Had someone been here? Had I brought someone home and not realized it? I pushed my finger deeper into the side of my head, trying to get my brain to unclog enough to remember something.

My blood ran ice-cold through my veins, the chill waking me up enough to panic again. Did I bring a stranger home into the house that I shared with my niece? That was not okay, regardless of whether she was here or not.

I grabbed my phone, hoping Caden would give me some kind of explanation of last night. Maybe he'd stayed because I was that pathetic and sick to make sure I didn't choke on my own vomit during the night.

I'd take whatever shit he wanted to give me about the state of mind I was in if he was the one who'd brought me home.

I couldn't let this happen again. I'd go to therapy and straighten myself out, and if I'd just embarrassed myself in front of my best friend and hadn't brought any strange women into this house, I'd never drink another drop.

I had a flood of missed calls from Caden and one text from Emily lingering on my phone screen.

Emily:Caden gave me a ride to the train station parking lot to get your car. I should be back in a little bit.

I fell back on the edge of the bed, groaning out a sigh of deep relief. Emily was the one who'd gotten me home.

But, wait. Emily had stayed here?

Fragments started to piece together along the edges of my memory.

Emily holding me up on the barstool, throwing her credit card at the bartender and begging him to run my bill quickly as I buried my head into the crook of her neck. The memory of her perfume, roses mixed with vanilla, as I'd clung to her.

I dropped my head into my hands as more details crystallized in my foggy brain.

I'd let myself rub up against her as she'd dragged me to her car and had told her to pick my keys out of my pocket. Then I'd jerked off in front of her and begged her to help me.

This wasn't as bad as bringing a stranger home, but fucking awful all the same.

Jesus Christ, what the hell have I done?

My unresolved grief wasn't the only thing I'd let out of my system, thanks to the booze.

I wanted Emily, so much I could barely think about anything else. But I was too much of a mess to be in any position to ask for more than friendship. I'd proven that last night in spades. What she had to think of me now… How could I even begin to apologize for this? I could only reason away so much of what I'd done and said last night as pain over missing my sister.

Even through all my disgusting behavior, she'd managed to get me home. And she'd stayed.

I didn't deserve her. Not back then, and especially now.

Grabbing a T-shirt from my drawer and a pair of shorts, I headed to my bathroom to splash some cold water on my face and figure out my damn life—or at least what to say to Emily once she came back.

I ran the water until it was cold enough to shock me and brushed my teeth to get rid of the rancid taste of stale whiskey. I met my bloodshot gaze in the mirror. My eyes were rimmed with dark circles and deep crinkles in the corners. My outsides looked as screwed up as my insides felt, exhausted and barely holding my shit together.

I smoothed out my sheets to start making the bed when another memory hit me. Emily's mouth on mine as she writhed on top of me, my hands coasting up and down her back and pressing her beautiful body into mine.

Fuck.The missing, broken parts of last night slowly came back to me, and while I couldn't tell what did or didn't happen as it all pieced together, that kiss was real. I could still taste her as I swirled my tongue inside her mouth, swallowing her soft moans as I wove my hand into her hair and held her mouth on mine with all the strength I'd had left.

And she'd kissed me back.

The rest of the night might have been a drunken blur, but there was no way my whiskey-soaked brain had conjured that up. I could still feel her, her full breasts pressing into my bare chest, grinding her hips against me as her core rubbed against my aching cock.

Every part of my body had ached for Emily for what seemed like my entire life. When I'd begged her to kiss me, it had been my soul talking, not my alcohol-fogged brain. My drinking binge had cost me the barrier of common sense. Now that I had it back, I had no clue where to go from here.

I needed to apologize for not being in my right mind and making her uncomfortable with the inappropriate things I'd said and the sloppy way I'd hung on to her as she'd dragged me home.

But I had no regrets about that kiss or a single second of her in my arms.

And now, along with everything else that had poured out of me last night, I had to face what that meant.

I pulled on my shirt and shorts when I heard my front door open and close. My chest tightened as I made my way down the stairs. I'd figure out what to say to Emily as soon as I found the guts to look her in the eye.

"Morning, sleepyhead," Emily said as she tossed my keys into the glass bowl I kept by the door. "Your car is parked safely in your driveway. Caden said he's picking up the greasiest breakfast he can find and coming back soon."

She came up to me, a small smile lifting her lips, the lips that still tempted me just as much in the cold light of day. I had a shit-ton to unpack, but I wasn't confused about how I felt. It scared me enough to run from it, just like when I was a teenager, but it was time to face that, along with everything else.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, trailing her gaze over me and lingering on my mouth. Something flashed across her face before she blinked and took a half step back.

Her quick retreat was all the confirmation I needed that the kiss had really happened, and I hoped the blush running down her neck meant she thought it was as good as I did.

Because when I let my mind go there, it was really fucking good.

"Better than I deserve. Thank you for getting me home last night."

"You're welcome. I'm glad I was there, but I'm still scared of what could have happened if I hadn't been." She shook her head, her mouth pulled down. "You can't do that again. Please don't make me worry about you. Caden is worried too, but I'm sure you'll hear about it over breakfast," she said, lifting an eyebrow.

"I won't, and I can promise you that. Can you sit for a minute to talk?" I motioned to the living room behind me. "Take a seat on the couch. Please."

She nodded and followed me to the couch.

"Maddie picked this couch, or you just picked something purple?" Emily asked as she slid her hand along the soft material.

"She picked the picture off the computer, and I ordered it. Along with the rest of the purple you see scattered around the house. I guess I told you that last night?" I took a seat on the other side of the couch and rested my elbows on my knees.

"Among other things." I caught a grimace before she nodded.

I wanted to take her hand, but I'd crossed too many boundaries in the past day already. Instead, I inched toward her.

"I am so sorry. A lot of last night is fuzzy, but I remember enough to know that I was completely out of line. You were trying to help me, and I didn't make it easy. I never would have acted that way had I been in my right mind, please know that."

"Jesse," she sighed. "Of course I know that. I'm just really worried about you. I know Tessa's birthday hit you hard, and probably the next milestones without her will too. But drinking alone like that? I know you wouldn't have gotten into your car, but someone could have robbed you or worse. I hated seeing you that vulnerable."

Her brows drew together as she moved a hesitant inch toward me and grabbed my hand.

"I know you think keeping yourself isolated is the way to focus on Maddie, but you're hurting too. It's like when they say on airplanes to put your own oxygen mask on first before you help anyone else. You need to be able to breathe, Jesse. And I don't think you are."

"I know." I nodded. "It's why I'm going to find a therapist this week." I squeezed her hand back.

"I am very glad to hear that." She smiled, wide and breathtaking enough for me to have to look away. "I'm sure Caden has other things to say, but as long as you promise me it won't happen again, I'll let it go."

"Wait," I said, pulling her hand toward me when she stood. "I want to talk about something else. And I think you may know what."

"Jesse," she said, darting her eyes from mine. "You were drunk and upset. Whatever happened last night, just forget about it, okay?"

"What if I don't want to forget it? What if I told you there's one part of last night that, while I hate the state I was in when it happened, I don't have a single regret that it did. Sit down, Em. Please. Pretty please with sugar."

She groaned, rolling her eyes as she sat back down.

"Okay, I'd wanted to give you a day to recover, but now I'd like to apologize."

I flinched back. "You want to apologize? For what?"

She averted my gaze, darting her eyes around the room.

"You weren't thinking clearly. I feel like I took advantage."

"Took advantage?" I barked out a laugh. "You're serious?"

"It was an emotional night," she said, dragging her hand down her face. "I was so upset when I found you like that. At least, that's what I'm blaming it on for now." She grimaced when her eyes came back to mine.

"Emily," I said, squeezing her hand when she dropped her gaze to the carpet. "Of all the stupid things I did and said last night that turn my stomach with regret, kissing you was absolutely not one of them."

"Like I said, it was an emotional night. The both of us weren't really at our best."

"You found me blitzed out of my mind, drunk and handsy and stupid, got me home, and stayed with me to make sure I was okay. You were amazing last night, Em. You always are."

"You asked me to," she whispered. "You needed me. So, I stayed."

If she only knew how much I needed her. Instead of a sloppy drunk confession, I should have just admitted it a long time ago.

I cupped her cheek. "Whatever your reasons, I appreciate it." I grazed my thumb back and forth along her cheekbone, skimming her lips as I let my hand slide away. Her mouth parted as our eyes stayed locked, a groan rising from my throat as I traced my finger along her jaw.

"Breakfast is served. Unless you're hanging over the toilet, then it's breakfast for me."

Our heads whipped around to Caden's voice drifting in from my front door.

"Shit. I didn't mean to interrupt."

"You didn't," Emily chirped, jerking away from me and popping off the couch. "I have a ton of editing to do today. I'll check on you later, Jesse." She smoothed a piece of hair falling out of her hair tie behind her ear, her shoulders softening for a moment. "I'm thinking about all of you today. Let me know if you need anything."

"I'll do that."

She nodded, squaring her shoulders before she came up to Caden.

"Thanks for the ride. Watch him today," she told him in a loud whisper, giving me one last glance over her shoulder before heading out my door.

"Jesus, what the hell happened last night?" Caden looked between me and the path of Emily's hasty exit.

"A lot," I said, wincing as I squeezed the back of my neck.

"Good thing for you, I have nothing but time this morning," He held up a white plastic bag. "We can talk as you eat."

I fell back against the couch, letting out a long exhale before I stood and followed him into my kitchen.

"Extra-large coffee," he said, motioning to the paper cup on the table. "I'll dig out the food, and you can start."

"Fine," I said, lifting the cup to my lips for a long sip. "You know today is Tessa's birthday."

"I do," Caden nodded. "I planned on being here this morning but didn't expect you to go on a bender last night."

"Neither did I," I huffed. "I couldn't handle it and got drunk on my way home from my meeting in the city. Emily found me and brought me home."

I took another long gulp. He'd used extra cream and sugar, but the coffee was hot enough to burn my throat on the way down.

He glared at me and set a bagel with bacon, egg, and cheese on the table. It was wrapped in paper, already transparent from the grease.

"Do you remember this?" He reached into his pocket and dug out his phone, unlocking the screen before shoving it into my face.

Me:I'm at McCays by the station. Come get

"Come get?" I read out loud. "Well, at least it was you I texted."

"By the time I saw it and I made it there, figuring come get meant pick you up, you were gone. You didn't see the ten missed calls on your phone?"

I shook my head and took a bite of the sandwich.

"I didn't look at my phone until this morning."

"You're very fucking lucky that Emily saw you. This is how people end up on Netflix documentaries. They do stupid shit when they're out and alone. Maddie and your parents haven't had enough loss?"

"I know." He said the same thing Emily had, but thinking of Maddie and my parents enduring more pain because of my stupidity made my stomach roll.

"Trust me. This will never happen again. I'll talk to Dr. Asher and get the name of a therapist that I can see. Last night was a scary wake-up call."

"Good." He took a seat at the table and crossed his arms. "So, what did I interrupt with Emily?"

"I was pretty fucking awful last night. I said some very inappropriate things as she was trying to get me home. Got a little too close to her. From what I can remember of it, it was bad."

"I guess the alcohol loosened everything else up too." He eyed me over the rim of his own coffee cup.

"More or less, but we weren't talking about that when you walked in. I asked her to kiss me. Begged her. And she did. It's the only part of the night I can recall with vivid certainty."

Caden sputtered his coffee before setting it down.

"Well, shit. What else happened? Did she stay here?"

"Yes, that part is a little fuzzy, but she told me I asked her to stay right before I knocked out. I apologized for everything else but kissing her because I'm honestly not sorry. I mean, sorry it happened like that, but?—"

"It would have happened eventually. You were blitzed enough to finally get out of your own way. What did she say after that?" Caden eyed me as he took a chomp out of his breakfast.

"She said something like, ‘I guess I'll be going now that Caden is here.'"

"Ah, damn it." He winced as he dropped his head back. "My father always said I have a special wrong-place-at-the-wrong-time talent."

"Well, maybe a little." I had to laugh. "But after last night, I think she needed some space. At least, I do. I think it's going to be a long day once my parents and Maddie get back."

"And then tomorrow, you're going to go get her, right? Stop this stupid game."

"I want to, but how? I'm obviously not holding things together that well. I swear to God, it feels like twenty years ago again. Emily is everything I want and nothing I can keep."

"But it's not twenty years ago. Stop fixating on that, for fuck's sake. She's here, not six hours away, and you're both adults. Do you have baggage? Yes, but show me someone our age who doesn't. You're missing the big difference between then and now."

"I'm missing a lot right now, so enlighten me."

"You want her? Fight for her. She stayed, didn't she? And she kissed you on her own? You're sure it wasn't a figment of your tipsy imagination or your sloppy drunk ass trying to kiss her?"

"Nope, it happened, all right. Even in my fucked-up state of mind, I asked her to kiss me and didn't just go for it. She even apologized to me just now because she was afraid she took advantage."

Caden's chest shook with a laugh as he cupped his forehead.

"Do you remember how the guys used to give you shit in school for having the same girlfriend for four years straight?"

"That, and how Emily was too hot for me." I shrugged. "So?"

"We all had drama left and right, as you can recall. How Sabrina and I became— Anyway, I'm losing my point. Even my immature teenage ass understood why you never broke up. You fit. It was that simple."

"Until it wasn't," I muttered and drained the rest of my coffee.

"That's the thing. It is. Get out of your head and fight for her. Before someone else does."