Prologue

Twenty years ago

"A whole houseto yourself and you want to go out? What a waste," Sabrina sighed in my ear as I tried to balance the phone in the crook of my neck as I dressed.

"My mother reminded me a million times that if I needed anything while she was at Aunt Mary's until tomorrow, she asked the neighbors to keep an eye on me. The sight of Jesse's car in my driveway overnight would be reported back to her before we even woke up." I plopped onto my bed after buttoning my jean shorts. "You're the one who likes to take risks."

"Caden's parents don't care. They wave at us when we head upstairs to his bedroom and never give us shit for closing the door."

"You know you guys are playing with fire, right?"

"No, we're not. We're friends who, when we're unattached, become extra friends. No harm, no foul."

"Extra friends. Is that what you're calling it now?"

When our best friends would hook up with each other at random, Jesse and I tried to mind our own business, even when an ex-girlfriend of Caden's would wait for Sabrina after school to call her a whore, or when the last guy Sabrina dated had to be held back in the cafeteria from shoving his fist into Caden's face.

I'd hoped they'd become a little smarter about their dangerous arrangement now that we'd graduated. Either they'd stop this and get together for real or, at the very least, stay under the radar from angry exes now as they would be attending colleges in different states.

"How are you and Jesse going to function this fall? After four years of being attached at the hip, you'll be six hours away from each other."

"I'm trying not to think about it. And Jesse doesn't seem worried, so I'm following his lead for now."

Graduation had only been two weeks ago, and I was giving myself until July to stay in denial and not freak out. We'll be okay is all I'd kept repeating to myself since I'd accepted my full soccer scholarship to a university in Maine. I'd tried to get into schools that were closer, but no other school had given me a full ride.

I'd be loan-free, as my mother kept insisting, and she'd barely had the money for my Catholic high school tuition. There was no way she could finance a four-year college, even with a partial scholarship and financial aid.

After my parents divorced when I was three, we'd moved in with my grandparents to save on rent and for a free, round-the-clock babysitter when my mother had to work late. My father was nothing but a fuzzy memory, never sending a birthday card, much less a child support check. Soccer was the only treat my single mother could afford. And once it became apparent it was something I could excel in, my mother had pushed me to make it my path into college.

Once all the acceptances had come in, there'd been only one choice. Plus, this school was known for its soccer team and boasted of students who'd gone on to play professionally. I'd been working up to this all through high school, maybe even most of my life, as I'd played soccer since I was seven years old.

I couldn't say no, even if the act of enrolling didn't give way to even the tiniest bit of excitement. Dread hung low in my stomach like a growing brick, weighing on me every time I allowed myself to think of what would happen to Jesse and me this fall.

"And this is why I told you not to date the same guy for all four years of high school. A little variety and distance maybe would have prevented you from being such a sad sack this summer."

"I'm not a sad sack," I fired back, straightening as I sat on the edge of my bed.

"No," she said, a little sympathy in her audible sigh. "But I know you. You're heading there."

I let out a long exhale through my nostrils as Sabrina's words heated my blood. No one understood why I'd been with no one but Jesse, but they didn't have to.

My soccer coach in elementary school had told my mother and me that if I wanted to get a sports scholarship, St. Kate's had the top-ranked high school soccer team in the league and would be my best chance. Once my mother had sorted out what bus I could take to school, it was settled.

I'd arrived that first day of freshman year after getting up at the crack of dawn to travel forty minutes and get to school on time. I'd crouched at my desk after I'd walked into class, not knowing one single soul and feeling more alone in that crowded classroom than I'd felt in my entire life. My friend Penny from my elementary school soccer team had enrolled at St. Kate's too, but we had no classes together that first semester.

I remembered watching all the classmates I didn't know and wondering what it was like to have choices and options.

That hadn't changed much in four years, if at all.

Then a beautiful boy had come down the tight aisle next to my desk. He was tall and lanky, his blue-plaid tie swinging back and forth as he'd maneuvered his gigantic backpack. With one quick turn, he'd knocked my pencils and books off my desk, meeting my gaze with a horrified look before he fell to his knees to pick everything up.

For the first time that morning, I'd crawled out of my own pity party and had felt terrible for this poor kid who had only been trying to find a seat. After panicking over almost missing my stop for the last twenty minutes of my bus ride and still shaking off the nerves, I'd related more than I could have expressed.

"I'm so sorry," he'd said in a surprisingly deep voice, a much lower octave than I'd expected from his baby face and lips. His eyes were a light chocolate, warm and bottomless at the same time, as he'd given me an apologetic wince.

"It's all good. The aisles are so narrow, I almost fell over trying to sit." I'd tried to joke as I'd grabbed at the pencils along the carpet. Our fingertips had brushed reaching for the same one, sending an unfamiliar zing of electricity up my arm.

"I'm Jesse," he'd said after his jaw had relaxed enough to give me a genuine smile.

"I'm Emily." My reply was gravelly as I tried to will the air back into my lungs.

From that day on, no other boy had given me a reason for even a second glance. Friends never understood, all of our parents were concerned, but we'd never cared.

He was the bright spot of my every day from that moment on. He came to every soccer game, cheering so loudly, I'd hear him from wherever I was on the field, listened for hours when my mother's pushing would frustrate me to the point of tears, and starred in all my dreams about now and the future.

The only ones who needed to get us were us.

"I worry about you. All those romance novels warp your mind."

"They don't warp my mind. They keep me optimistic. All books are good like that. You should give one a try."

"You're a bookworm too adorable for this world, Em. Hey, I'm rooting for you both, but I'm just a little scared for you, if I'm being honest."

That made two of us.

"Maybe I don't have to go so far. Nothing wrong with community college until I figure things out, right?" A nervous laugh escaped me as I admitted out loud for the first time what I'd been contemplating for weeks.

My eyes clenched shut when Sabrina gasped.

"You cannot be serious. You busted your ass getting straight As and practicing every damn day, to give up a full scholarship and go to community college? That is fucking ridiculous. As your best friend, I won't let you do that."

"What are you going to do?" I taunted. "Come over and shake me?"

"No, I'll call your mother and tell her what you're planning to do."

I winced, picturing how my mother would totally lose it if she had any idea what I was considering.

"You're going to state college. What's the big deal?"

She groaned in my ear. "I was a B student and still have no clue what my major will be. You've had it all figured out since before I even met you. Maybe you're the smarter one of us, but I won't let you be stupid and throw your future away for a guy. Even if it is Jesse."

My eyes fell on the large acceptance packet at the edge of my desk, detailing the terms of my full scholarship, including room and board. If I called the admissions office and said that I wasn't coming after all, they'd immediately give my scholarship to the next female soccer player on the long list. Maybe it was a crazy decision, but shouldn't at least one decision about my life be up to me, regardless of what my reasons were?

"It was just a thought," I lied as I headed downstairs, just as Jesse pulled up in front of my house. "Let me go. Jesse is here."

"Fine. But promise me you aren't going to do anything dumb."

"Aren't you heading to Caden's later after he breaks up with Corinne?"

"Look, fuck his brains out all summer if you want. I have no issue with that and even encourage it. Just don't give up your scholarship. At least think about it before you?—"

"I'll think. I promise."

"Fine. I know I'm being a bitch to you right now, but it's because I love you."

I stared out my window as I waited for Jesse to get out of his father's old Corolla. As I peeked out the glass, a bad feeling settled into my gut. Jesse had shut off the engine but stayed in the driver's seat, tapping on the steering wheel as if he was either agitated or nervous.

"I know that. And I love you too. Let me go, I'll talk to you later."

I hung up and opened my door to head to where Jesse was parked. His head jerked to mine when he noticed me, but he didn't flash me that slow, dirty smile. Instead, he stepped out of the car and slammed the door as if he was bracing for a fight.

"Is everything okay? Why do you look so tense?"

His features were tight, his brown brows knit together when I clasped the back of his clammy neck. He bored his eyes into mine for a long minute but jerked away when I tried to kiss him.

"Okay, what the hell is going on? Tell me what happened. Are you all right?"

"I'm fine," he snapped back. "We need to talk."

"Well, come inside?—"

"We need to end this. Now."

"Wait, what?" I said, my voice quivering as panic filtered through me. I had just spoken to Jesse two hours ago, and he'd been fine—teasing me about what kind of panties I was wearing tonight and telling me to wear shorts loose enough for him to slip his hand inside.

We'd only been having sex for the past month, after about a year of doing everything but, and he loved exploring my body with his hands and mouth every chance he got. I'd get choked up whenever he'd say he wanted to "savor me" for the summer with a wistful gleam in his eyes, but he'd never given me any indication of wanting to break up.

Something was off.

What could have happened in the past few hours that now he couldn't even stand to be next to me?

"A clean break. Now. It's for the best. You live your life, and I'll live mine. We've already dragged this out long enough."

His jaw was tight as his eyes darted everywhere. He'd look at me for a second before turning away, as if it caused him pain to look me in the eye.

"Dragged this out?" I felt my eyes widen as I stepped directly in front of him, so he'd have nowhere else to look. "What is this about? Where is this coming from?"

"Where is this coming from? You can't be that naive, Em."

He raked a hand through his dark hair, disheveled enough to look like he'd been sifting through it for hours.

"You're going to school six hours away. We'll never see each other. That's not a relationship. We need a clean break."

"So you've said," I spat out, crossing my arms over my chest. "But you can't mean that."

"I do! Go to Maine, play soccer, and have a nice life, while I figure out what the hell to do with mine."

Jesse was going to major in IT at a school on Long Island. He didn't know exactly what he wanted to do, but he'd been a computer geek from the day I'd met him. I knew he'd do something with technology and be great.

I also knew he loved me, but now I wasn't sure—about him or anything else.

"Just come inside, and we can talk about this."

"No. Even that's too much," he muttered, more to himself than to me. "I need to go." His eyes were glossy when he lifted his head. "I have to go."

I swore his voice cracked as something I couldn't identify flitted across his face. Anger, resentment, devastation, or maybe that was just the swirl of emotions racing through me.

"No, you don't," I whispered, wanting to bring him into my arms but afraid to touch him at the same time. He stuffed his hands into his jean pockets, his biceps shaking as tension radiated off him in waves.

He backed away, slowly for the first few steps, and then almost sprinted to his car, jumping in and peeling away from the curb. The screech of the tires ripped through me, shock the only thing keeping me upright.

How stupid was I? How stupid had I almost been?

I shook my head as tears dripped down my cheeks.

I had been planning my life around someone who'd just thrown me and us away without even a kiss goodbye. Ten minutes ago, I would have given up everything just to stay close, but now, six hours away wasn't nearly far enough.