Chapter 9

9

HAYDEN

Rae’s hair is wild like he’s run his hands through it a thousand times since I last saw him. I can’t believe he’s here. Or how good it is to see him. Both are a dazzling distraction until I’m close enough to see below his smiling surface.

He’s also tense. Tired. More than a little wired, and I take a stab at guessing the reason.

“You been burning the candle at both ends again, Rae?”

That’s what he told me he needs to do to hit his deadlines. This evening, he shakes his head before just as quickly capitulating. He nods, and his grin of greeting fades but doesn’t drop entirely, which is good. He doesn’t have to pretend to me that he’s got his shit together, and he must feel that to admit, “Maybe a little,” before he goes all in, and I’d forgotten how much I liked how he isn’t afraid to tell his whole story—the good, the bad, and the deadline-challenged.

“Actually yes, but only because I’ve been trying to fit drawing around my project workshops. I needed to after finally getting an answer from that agent. My agent.”

Here’s something new: He’s so fucking proud that his chest puffs, his gaze locking with mine and holding.

“Because she said yes.” His grin is a lightning flash even if it comes with some hedging. “Kinda, at least.” An incisor rakes his lower lip in a suggestion of nerves. He goes all in again to share the reason for them. “Thought about emailing the school to let you know.” His gaze drops just as quickly. Perhaps he reads the same mosaic message and wonders if he’s welcome. “Then I thought that might be weird, right?” He rubs the back of his neck, still studying those green and white tiles. “If I emailed the school to get a message to you like I almost did? Or asked Sol if he had your number. I mean, we only?—”

Got up close and personal at a party?

Let romantic wedding vibes tangle us like brambles?

But that isn’t all I remember from that weekend. What has stayed with me since is how Rae threw himself into helping, and how he drew Finn and Willow’s big day for so many people. He didn’t have to do any of that, and perhaps that’s why I’m honest. “I wouldn’t have minded if you’d messaged me.”

“No?”

He traces that mosaic with the tip of a shoe, his head still down, and that’s all kinds of wrong from someone who was on my team when I needed him. He went all out, so I return the favour, even if this feels risky. “No.” I tilt his chin with a steady finger. “I’ve been kicking myself that we didn’t swap numbers.”

“Yeah?” Here’s that smile I prefer, intense and only for me, and who knows why that makes me gruffer than usual.

“Yeah, Rae. I wanted to know how you were doing.”

“You really been thinking about me, Hayden?” He’s teasing now. That lightning smile widens, and who knows how long I stand there, smiling back until footsteps echo.

Luke returns, and I drop my hand, not sure when I stopped tilting Rae’s chin up with a single finger and switched to cupping his jaw. All I know is that my palm tingles, and I can’t blame that on chainsaw or tractor vibration. I shove my hands back where they belong and hope Luke didn’t notice.

“Rae! You’re back.”

“Hi, Luke.” Rae instantly switches that intense focus, talking a mile a minute, and that’s another difference I can’t help registering now I’ve seen it. All this speed and switch of focus comes with an increase in tension. “Yes. I hit up Sol to hitch a ride down with your latest batch of new kids.”

He looks over his shoulder, and I see the school minibus in the car park, where Sol talks with a group of unfamiliar faces. A couple of more familiar ones join them, Teo and Noah stepping up, which is good to see. Rae faces us again, wets his lips, and launches into the same kind of pick-me pitch I came here to make this evening.

“My agent wanted me to focus on one journey and find a unique angle. I showed her some rough drafts, and she loved my concept. I didn’t know she’d shop the idea around so quickly, let alone get some nibbles from publishers. They want to see more progress before making a final offer.” He rushes over both of our congratulations, doing more of that spilling without editing away his failures. “Problem is, I’ve got nothing new to show them.”

He doesn’t strike me as lazy. He can’t have struck Luke that way either, who scores a bullseye with his guess. “Because you went back to France, and didn’t have time?”

Rae nods. He also swallows. “I’ve been trying.” I can guess what drowned his focus—that never-ending tide of kids he’s described to me once already. “I need to go back.”

If that is Rae’s plan, he’s come in the wrong direction for a flight or ferry across the English Channel. He acknowledges that right away.

“Not back there.” I don’t know why his next glance my way feels nervous. He frowns as hard as Luke next, and that looks all wrong on him. “Here. Because this is where that journey started.”

“Here?” Luke shifts a still-sleeping Jamila on his shoulder, his voice low. “At Glynn Harber?”

“Yes. All I need is your permission. Well, and some time.” Here comes a pitch I’m pretty sure Rae doesn’t need to make. Not to Luke, who switches from furrowed to openly interested as Rae says, “I know you’ve only just got your building back, and every room will be timetabled, but Sol says he could carve out a corner for me to work in, with your agreement. In return, I’d run that friendship-making workshop you mentioned. Because you said that the first few weeks here could be make-or-break for the new students, right? I could make it fun for them. Get them all talking to each other. I’ve had a ton of practice at doing that.”

He glances back, and when he faces Luke again, I recognise someone about to take their shot. He’s determined not to miss it, and I’ve faced a whole lot of strikers. This is the first time I’ve wanted one to score this badly.

“I already started breaking the ice with them on the way down here. They’re good kids.” His brow furrows in a much better Luke Lawson imitation than his first one. “I didn’t realise what they’d…”

“Been through to get here?” Luke’s hand sweeps up and down his sleeping daughter’s back. “And the hurdles they still face to move forward?”

Rae nods, and this sounds almost helpless from him. “After what they told me, I kinda want to draw it with them. Their futures. How to get there. So they can see what could be real for them.”

“They shared with you already?”

Rae huffs out a quiet laugh. “Probably because it was the only way to stop me talking.” He rubs at the back of his neck again. It looks as if heat climbs it. He’s rosier when he adds, “We’re from the same ends, aren’t we?”

“Ends?” Luke asks. “You mean from the same part of London?”

Rae nods. “Pretty much. Close enough that we all?—”

I’m not part of this conversation. I still can’t help saying, “Speak the same language?” I heard him do that with Noah, didn’t I, while we pitched tents together. Saw him chop away the silence Marc’s little brother wears like armour. Heard him make Noah laugh, which is a rare sound. “You had similar experiences to them?”

“Yeah, if you mean failing at school and spending most of my time dodging—” He falters while meeting Luke’s eyes. “You remember what we talked about, yeah? About what happens where we grew up.”

If he means he’s dodged gangs, Marc’s mentioned plenty to me.

“Yes. That’s why they’re here,” Luke murmurs.

I’ve never heard Rae this fierce. He virtually spits this. “Good. It’s a fu—” He instantly apologises. “Sorry, sorry. Didn’t mean to swear around her.”

He means Jamila. “You didn’t, and she’s fast asleep,” Luke murmurs once more, low and gentle. “Go on.”

Rae does, if more quietly. “It’s worse now than ever. I went back after my meeting to tell my sister the good news and saw for myself.” He shakes his head. “I hate—” This abrupt stop doesn’t last for too long. He’s in a hurry all over again, this time speaking even faster. “Listen, if you let me have a base to work on my illustrations, I’ll definitely find time for them in return. Time for all of them.” Here’s an ace he’s saved until last. “And I’ll include the school in my story.”

“Include? How?”

I edge away from what sounds like a negotiation that Rae doesn’t seem to realise is already a done deal; he won over Luke Lawson the moment he said he wanted to sketch brighter futures for his students.

Backing away from them lets me see that Luke was right—Jamila is out for the count against his shoulder. Her eyelashes are a dark fan casting long and spiky shadows. So do Rae’s. They fan so darkly against suddenly pale skin when he closes his eyes and goes for broke.

“I was gonna use the advance to fund my art project, but I could cut the school in on that.” This honesty feels brutal. “Might end up being half of nothing.” He’s optimistic next, which feels a lot more on-brand for him. “But it could end up being half of a decent number. Either way, I’ve got some time before I have to present my final illustrations. I’d be all yours until then. Could even come camping like you wanted, keep up that momentum of them getting to know each other. You said you do that right away, yeah? I’m ready.”

He swings around to show off his rucksack and his portfolio case slips from his shoulder in the process.

I can still move fast when I need to. I grab it, slide it back where it belongs, meet his eyes for a second time this evening, even while he speaks to Luke.

“That is, if you do want me around for longer?” Rae breaks eye contact with me, suddenly looking anywhere else. “Only there is one other thing I’d need.”

“Hold that thought.” Luke makes to pass him in the doorway. “Give me ten minutes to pop Jamila home and grab my rucksack. I’ll be right back.”

Rae blurts, “This is important.” He stops avoiding eye contact with me. His are as dark as his lashes. They’re also worried. “I can’t recreate the journey my Glynn Harber kid took without a translator.”

Luke pauses. Turns on his heel. Tilts his head and asks, “A translator?”

“Yeah. Someone to work closely with me on the unique spin I came up with.” This time Rae’s gaze doesn’t waver. “I can’t read Polish. I’d need help from someone who can.”

Who knows what my reaction shows him. All I do know is that he trips over his words like I did earlier with Luke. Rae rushes the exact same way now. “Because online translations won’t cut it for this story. Won’t help me to understand context or nuance. Not about the journey I want to follow.”

I picture that old diary again then, see it on the bed Rae borrowed at the stables. I also blink the moment Rae says, “Hayden’s perfect for me.”

It’s a trick of the falling light that I think Luke smiles. He’s just as serious as ever when he tilts his head again and murmurs, “Perfect for you?”

Rae is flustered. “I mean, he’d be a perfect research partner.” He keeps going, his chin rising like someone cornered yet coming out fighting regardless. “Only that means he’d need to stay on here for a while longer. But when I’m busy with your students or drawing, he could put that forest school he made into good use, couldn’t he? It’s a win-win for you, Luke. A two-for-one deal.”

Now I don’t only picture that diary full of Polish in childish handwriting. A whole conversation under canvas floods back where I said I wanted to see that clearing come to life. See it change with the seasons, along with the children in it. He can’t have any idea that I already asked Luke for that myself this evening—or that he was my inspiration to do it. Rae has still come all the way back here with a plan to make that a potential option for me, and for a second time this evening, I hear a crowd roar like I’m a winner.

I’m pretty sure Luke must say something. I don’t hear what; my internal cheer is still deafening. I only realise Luke has left us—is already striding away across the car park towards the waiting students—when Rae closes the distance between us, that worry back in those wide eyes of his. “I didn’t know if you’d still be here, so that was all a bit spur of the moment. I mean, I’d been thinking it. I hadn’t meant to say it, that’s all. Not without checking if it’s something you’d want.”

Rae runs a hand through his hair like he must have done all the way back from London, worrying about my answer. “Because we’d have to spend a lot of time together, yeah? And there’s a big difference between copping off with your plus-one at a wedding compared to finding out they’ll be around twenty-four seven. At work and at home.”

“No. I?—”

I don’t get to tell him that he wouldn’t get the chance to crowd me at the stables. Rae butts in with a ready-made contingency plan.

“Sol’s got a spare room. Think he’d actually like the company now that both his partner and nephew are away. And Reece could probably hook me up with a Polish speaker from his Safe Harbour project. No problem if you’re too busy to help me.”

I know when someone is covering worry by sounding easygoing. Heard it from my stepmum enough times to recognise Rae doing the same, so I get my arse in gear and use the book I still carry as inspiration.

“Come with me for a minute.” He follows me to the library where I don’t even wait for the door to close before explaining. “I only said no because Rowan lives on-site during term time.” I also catch hold of Rae’s wrist with my free hand and tug him closer and tell him, “Don’t ask Reece for anyone else.” And I like this smile a whole lot better.

He keeps smiling while asking questions, which clues me into what Luke must have told him while I wasn’t listening. “You already got Luke to agree to you running some nature classes?”

I’ve never been more relieved that I bit the bullet about admitting to a failed test. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t get to say this. “Yeah, I’ll be here for longer, like you.”

He’s instantly sunny. “Look at you, getting everything you wanted while I was away.”

I have now that he’s back to happy instead of worried. He’s also back to being intent on me, not even seeming to notice the book I hold between us, and I don’t know when I raised it like a shield, or why. I don’t need protection from someone who came back with a plan for me, even if it was impulsive.

This is equally hasty. I shove that book covered with stars onto a shelf and pull him even closer. We’re chest-to-chest in an empty room where our voices might echo if I spoke any louder. “I did want something else.” His eyes dance so I keep going. “Your phone number.”

He grins, and we swap. Then it’s his turn to ask a quiet question. “You want anything else from me, Hayden?”

I do.

I kiss him, and he kisses me back, thank fuck, only it isn’t as good as I remember.

It’s even better.

His mouth on mine comes with a slick and familiar slide of his tongue that I open up for. Reciprocating is so, so easy, like we’ve done this plenty instead of only before a wedding, then during a hurried night together followed by an even more rushed goodbye at a station.

He’s back now, and a crowd roars for a third time. Not for real. Only in my head, where that roar turns thunderous the moment he sucks on my tongue.

I’m back in a honeymoon tent with him then instead of a school library, which is the worst place to remember what else he last sucked for me, and Jesus, I can’t get hard here.

I can’t.

I mean, I shouldn’t, but his arms tighten around my neck, and it’s what I want more than anything. His mouth. His lips. That tongue mapping me and getting busy. I want it all, and for once I’m actually getting everything on my wish list.

Or I would if we were somewhere I could slide a bolt home behind us.

His hands roam somewhere we can’t get caught undoing buttons, and a groan of frustration slips out from me at having to slam on the brakes so soon after starting. He echoes it, chasing my lips to pick up where I left off kissing him, only this feels different so I crack one eye open.

That fucking smile.

I don’t even need to see his mouth to feel it. He’s so transparently happy, and here’s the problem with never usually being a long-term prospect—I didn’t know being wanted would feel like opening my chest with my own axe and bramble cutter. Those are my tools of choice to let light flood into dark and stunted places.

This blade between my ribs now?

It’s exactly what I’ve needed. I can’t get enough of him being as into me as I am into him. I need him even closer, not lurching away like he surprises me next by doing.

Rae moves fast.

One moment we’re connected, the next he grabs a book, shoves it into my hands, and points at a page as if it’s why we stand so close together that our shoes dovetail.

I used to have quick reactions.

I’m way too slow to register his reason.

Footsteps click, the library door swinging open, and Luke Lawson joins us.

“Ah,” he says. “Here you both are.” He tilts his head, gaze dropping to the book I hold between us. “Getting a head start on that translating, Hayden?” I’m not sure why that’s funny. Or maybe Luke only smiles due to what he tells Rae. “You definitely made an impression on the students. They’re pleased you’re coming camping with us.” He holds the door open.

There’s no arguing with that. Nor with what else he aims at me as Rae exits the library.

“Hayden, I haven’t forgotten about finding a mentor for you. I’ll ask someone to join you. You won’t be alone when you start your nature sessions.”

Once Rae has gone, Luke definitely smiles.

“And Hayden, I’m no expert at reading Polish, but…” He makes a circling gesture with a finger. “I’m almost certain that diary will be easier to translate if you turn it up the right way.”