24. Braxton

I was a coward. Every move I'd made since I opened my eyes that morning proved it.

Dakota was somehow even more beautiful as I'd watched her sleep, with her face relaxed and one cheek pinkened from where it had been pressed against a pillow. I was unable to stop the swell of emotions that rose in my chest. Unfortunately, guilt edged out love, and I couldn't forget the sights and sounds of her in pain as I'd unknowingly taken her virginity.

I felt like a complete ass. I should have known.

Somehow, catching her watching porn and writing rough sex scenes had blinded me to the signs right in front of my face. She was careful about who she let into her life. She'd mentioned that she preferred reading to dating. And I could remember how she tensed when I went to finger her the first time I ate her out.

After talking a big game about waiting, I'd shoved my dick in her hard without thinking. I could never erase that first experience for her.

God, I wished I could.

What I wouldn't give to go back and change the circumstances of last night. Not Dakota's inexperience, but how I'd handled myself. I treated her no better than I would a random bar hookup instead of the woman I loved and cherished.

Slipping out of bed, I threw on my clothes and crept into the darkened kitchen. Lost in our own little world, I had no idea when Natalie and Jaxon had returned the night before, but it was clear everyone was in bed. A glance at the clock on the stove told me it was 4 AM. The little gremlins would be up sooner rather than later, but I had to get out of there. I couldn't face Dakota after what I'd done.

Changing into warm clothes, I snagged my skates and crunched through the snow until I reached the edge of the frozen lake. The sun wouldn't be up for a few more hours, but I needed the frosty air to shock my lungs. Maybe a hard skate would clear my head, and I could face the woman I'd hurt last night.

I wasn't so sure, but I had to try.

I skipped lunch. Not because I wasn't hungry, but because I knew I'd have to stare into those brilliant blue eyes filled with hurt that she had woken up alone.

Jaxon and the kids joined me on the lake by 9 AM, dragging a net with them. We played a few games, providing the perfect distraction I needed, but after a while, the kids began grumbling about being cold and hungry, so Jaxon took them inside. I waved him off when he asked if I was coming along. His face held a curious expression, but he didn't question my choice.

When they returned, there was a question in his eyes, along with a hint of disappointment.

Fuck. It was probably worse than I imagined.

When Natalie joined us, I decided to suck it up and go inside. The only silver lining was that there wouldn't be an audience for whatever I was walking into.

Skating to the lake"s edge, I sat on the snowy embankment, removing my skates and slipping on the boots I'd left by the fire pit along the shoreline. As I neared the house, my steps slowed, but I powered past my mental block and forced myself through the back door.

Dropping my gear in the mudroom, I searched for Dakota. When I didn't find her in her room, the kitchen, or the living room, my chest tightened, and my pulse kicked. Had she left? Hightailed it back to Hartford because I couldn't man up and face what I'd done?

God, why was I so bad at this?

Then, I heard her soft voice and every muscle relaxed at once. But I couldn't figure out where it was coming from.

Willing my racing heart to settle so I could hear better, I stalked through the room, closer and closer to where the voice spoke in hushed tones. The baby monitor on the coffee table was where my search led me. Picking it up, I dropped onto the couch, staring at the woman I loved with her hand splayed across Max's chest in his bassinet.

It was the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen. Her soft smile as she stared at the sleepy baby stole my breath away. It was a glimpse into the future—a future I so desperately wanted. And not with just anyone, with her. Only her.

I was about to go up to the master suite when I made out what she was saying to Max. "You're a lucky little guy, so surrounded by love." My heart squeezed, knowing how desperately Dakota wished she had a family who cared about her. I was determined to give that to her. "Your dad seems like a standup guy." She let out a heavy breath. "But your uncle? He's more complex. Just when I think I have him figured out, he flips the script."

Any hope rising in my chest died at her words. She thought Jaxon was better than me, just like everyone else.

And maybe she was right. Jaxon would have never left her alone the morning after taking her virginity. Jaxon would have never hurt her the way I did, both physically and emotionally. Self-doubt and insecurities didn't paralyze Jaxon, threatening to ruin any chance at happiness he might find.

Once again, I'd tried and failed to measure up.

Story of my fucking life.

Stars sparkled overhead on a cloudless night as a full moon reflected off the snow covering every surface, illuminating the lake. The sky was black, but the world around me wasn't dark. The illusion of snow glowing was eerie for some, but I loved nights like tonight. Or at least, I used to.

Now, all I could see as I stared out at the black lake before me as a fire crackled at my feet was Dakota—her pain, her disappointment, her sadness. All because of me.

Just when I finally had something good in my life, I'd gone and fucked it all up.

"Cold night." My brother's voice spoke from behind me. "Thought you could use a drink."

Jaxon stepped up to the table resting between the Adirondack chairs, and placed down two glasses and a bottle of liquor that sparkled amber in the firelight. He poured a healthy amount for each of us and dropped into the other chair.

Taking a sip, I winced as the scotch burned a path down my throat. This was good. Maybe it would help numb my mind enough to forget the all-consuming anguish of the past twenty-four hours.

"You've been out here all day. Wanna talk about it?" Jaxon asked, eyes trained on the lake.

Staring up at the stars, I breathed out, "I think I fucked up."

"With Dakota?" When I nodded, he said, "Whatever it is, you're hurting her more by staying away. Trust me. Relationships are hard, even the good ones. They take work. Every. Single. Day. There are no days off—days when you can just disappear and think issues will resolve on their own. It's not always fun hashing out problems or eating crow when you realize you were wrong, but it's necessary. That is, if you want something long-term with this girl. If you don't, then you probably shouldn't have brought her home, letting the kids and Natalie get attached."

I scoffed. "Of course, I want long-term with her. She's the one."

"Then you need to get over yourself and get in that house. Figure it out."

He was right. But I needed to get it off my chest first.

"Last night, when you were at Mom and Dad's, we took our relationship to the next level." When Jaxon only stared at me, I clarified, "Physically."

"Yeah, I got that part." He chuckled. "Just trying to figure out what you did wrong that had you hiding outside in the Minnesota chill all day." Jaxon's eyes widened. "Oh, shit. Are you worried you can't live up to the book boyfriends she writes?"

"Book boyfriends?"

"You know . . . the male main characters. The hero. Usually over six feet tall, jacked, has a massive cock, and knows how to make a woman orgasm simply by looking at them," he explained.

"Uhhhh." I couldn't help but gawk at the words coming out of my brother's mouth.

"I get it." He nodded. "But what some might view as unrealistic standards created for men by women can be used to your advantage. Think of them as instruction manuals." Jaxon snapped his fingers. "Or inspiration! Ask her if there's a scene she wants to re-enact. Should fix it."

I waved my hand in a circular motion in front of his face. "I'm gonna pretend you didn't just say any of that, okay?"

He shrugged. "I'm only trying to help."

"That much is clear," I muttered. "Trust me when I say my performance was not the issue. Well, not the whole issue."

"I'm listening . . ."

Gritting my teeth, I forced myself to confide in my big brother for the first time in my entire life. "She didn't tell me she was a virgin." Jaxon sucked in a sharp breath at my admission. "I didn't find out until we were in the act, and I realized I'd hurt her."

"Yikes."

"I mean, I didn't know what to do. It's not like I have much experience in deflowering women."

Jaxon's dark eyebrows raised. "Not even she-who-must-not-be-named?" Maybe if I hadn't felt like the world was crashing down around me, I might've laughed at his reference to Lacey.

"Nope." I shook my head.

A sound resembling a snort flew from my brother's nose. "That should've been your first clue. You two were together at sixteen, and she already had experience?"

Leveling him with a glare, I said, "Can we focus on my current girlfriend? Not the ghost of the past one that took four years to shake?"

"Right," he agreed. "So, what would you have done if she'd told you beforehand? Let some other man do it for you?"

"Hell no!" I slammed my glass down on the arm of the chair, liquor sloshing over the edge.

"Then what's the problem, Braxton? Why is she in the house while you're out here?"

My flash of anger was replaced with regret. "I can't stop seeing her face. Knowing I was the cause of her pain. It kills me."

"So, you thought that after she trusted you with a piece of herself she can't give to any other man, it was a good idea to cut and run? How do you think that made her feel? Physical pain fades away into a distant memory. Emotional pain lingers and is not so easy to overcome."

Tell me something I don't already know.

"You love her." It was a statement, not a question. If there was one thing Jaxon knew better than hockey, it was love. Standing, he gripped my shoulder. "You know what you need to do. Don't waste your last night before we report to the team tomorrow sitting out here alone. Have the tough conversation. Let her know how you feel. I promise the sky is never falling quite the way it seems in your mind."

"Yeah, you're probably right," I mused, but he was already gone.

Taking a moment, I sipped the rest of the scotch in my glass. Jaxon was right. Nothing would be solved by avoiding Dakota. I was only hurting her more.

Filling my lungs with a last deep breath of frosty air, I was about to head inside when a soft voice asked, "Did you mean what you said?"

Turning my head, I found Dakota a few steps behind the chairs, a blanket wrapped around her.

"Yes."

She tilted her head, stepping closer. "You're not going to ask me to qualify which statement?"

"No." I shook my head. "Everything I've said since I met you has been the truth."

Standing beside my chair, the fire illuminated the sadness in her eyes. "You said that once you found your way into my bed that you would never leave." Her gaze dropped to the ground, and her voice lowered to a whisper. "I woke up alone."

"I'm sorry, Dakota." For so many things.

"Is it—is it because I was a virgin?"

"God, no." I pushed off the armrests to stand before her, pulling Dakota into my arms. She burrowed her face into my chest, and I squeezed her tighter. Kissing the top of her head, I confessed, "It's because I failed you."

Lifting her eyes to meet mine, confusion filtered into her blue eyes. "You gave me an incredible night, Braxton. One I will never forget. How can you think you failed me?"

"I hurt you, baby." I closed my eyes against the fresh wave of pain that rolled over me at that truth.

Dakota huffed out a small laugh. "It was going to hurt no matter what. I knew that going in."

Sighing, I forced myself to look down at her, held tight against my chest. "But I could have made it better, prepared you more instead of ramming into you like a damn caveman who couldn't control himself."

She nodded in understanding. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. In hindsight, it was a bad call. But the way you looked at me? The words you spoke? How desperately I needed you? I didn't want to wait."

We could rehash last night, going in circles around my guilt and her satisfaction. Or we could enjoy our last night together before I had to report to the Comets and we were forced to spend days apart while the team was on the road.

I chose the latter.

"Come sit with me?" I gestured to my recently vacated chair.

A tiny smile tipped up the corner of her lips. "I'd like that."

Seating myself first, I pulled her onto my lap. Her weight was comforting, and I sank into it. With her head resting against my shoulder, I asked, "Did you at least have a quiet day with the kids out of the house?"

"Mmm," she hummed. "Your mom dropped by."

My head snapped to peer down at her, and she shifted to shyly peek at me. My mom meant well, but she could be a lot. And considering the two of them had never been formally introduced, I wasn't sure how a surprise drop-in would go.

"Is that so?"

Dakota shrugged. "She probably hates me."

"Why would you say that?"

Looking out at the lake, she sighed. "I didn't take it easy on her for standing there and doing nothing when your dad tore into you."

My fearless Firefly.

I nuzzled my cheek against her hair. "I bet that made her like you more."

"I hate that the burden you carry is out of your control. It was determined before you were even born. It's not fair."

Tightening my grip on her, I whispered, "Life isn't always fair."

"Don't I know it," she muttered. When she paused momentarily, I could tell the wheels were turning in her mind. She was always thinking, processing. I loved that about her. "Can I tell you something?"

"Anything," I vowed.

"If we ever have kids—"

I cut her off, gripping her chin and forcing her to meet my gaze. "There's no if about it, Firefly. When we have kids." Smirking as her cheeks pinkened, I prompted, "Now, you may continue."

"Bossy." She rolled her eyes, but I let out a laugh.

Everything was better when she was in my arms. I was a fool for staying away. No matter what came our way, I knew we would always find a way to fix it together.

Turning back to the lake before us, she said, "Okay. When we have kids, I need you to know that if it comes down to it, I will choose them over you."

Did she really think that was something I would fight her on?

"Baby, if I ever fail our children, I would expect you to put them first."

"It won't matter how much I love you."

She threw in that last point for emphasis, but my heart stopped beating. My mind raced, close to short-circuiting.

Dakota said, I love you. Did she mean it? Or was it a hypothetical like the discussion on children we wouldn't have for many years? It was too much and not enough. I needed answers. I needed clarification.

But above all else, my life hung in the balance, needing to know if she truly loved me back.

Clearing my throat, I tried to play it cool, but unfortunately, my voice betrayed me, coming out high and squeaky. "Say that again?"

Dakota sat up, sliding off my lap to stand before me. Opening the blanket she clutched tightly to her chest, she revealed herself to be wearing nothing but an oversized T-shirt. Her legs were bare between the hem and the top of her new boots.

Swallowing, I was at a loss for words.

She settled herself back onto my lap, this time straddling me, allowing the blanket to envelop us both.

Blue eyes sparkling in the firelight, she stared directly into my soul when she spoke the words I would never forget so long as I lived. "I love you, Braxton. You snuck up on me in the best way. And I'm so glad you didn't let me get away."

My chest swelled, and my heart threatened to explode. But I couldn"t stop the happy laughter that bubbled up from my chest. "I think I started falling in love with you that first night when you sassed me in the basement."

"God, I was such a bitch to you. It's honestly a wonder you chased after me at all."

"No." I shook my head. "You were fierce. You weren't going to let me get away with any shit. My charm had no effect on you. That's when I knew you were special."

"Can I tell you a secret?" She peered at me through her thick black lashes.

"You can tell me anything." I squeezed her bare thighs beneath the blanket.

"When you called me a ‘good girl' that night, I just about died."

My dick swelled to life where it was pressed against her core. "Oh yeah?" My voice took on a husky quality.

Biting her lip, she nodded. "I thought that was reserved for fictional men."

Fingers sliding beneath the hem of her shirt, I caressed the soft skin of her hips. "And how do I measure up?"

She rocked against me, and I had to bite back a groan. "There's no comparison. You blow them out of the water."

Her lips descended on mine, signaling the time for talking was over. Slipping her tongue into my mouth, I let her take control of the pace as I skimmed my hands high enough to thumb her nipples.

With a gasp, she tore her lips away, head thrown back as she let pleasure take over. She was stunning like this, lost in how I made her feel.

"I need you, Braxton," she said to the night sky.

When one of my hands traveled between her thighs, she jolted at the contact. "Are you sore?"

Dakota tipped her chin down to gaze at me. "A little," she admitted. "But I can handle it."

I circled her clit with one finger, and she bucked against it. "So eager, Firefly," I teased.

She pressed her forehead to mine. "How can I not be when I know my forever has just begun?"

"Fuck," I whispered. "I love you so much, Dakota."

Kissing me softly, she breathed the words against my lips. "I love you, too."

Sinking my finger further into her heat, I groaned. She was soaked, and I'd barely touched her. It didn't matter that her pussy was weeping onto my hand. I wouldn't make the same mistake as last night.

Adding a second finger, I pinched her clit between them, rolling it around. Dakota tensed on my lap, a deep groan rolling past her lips. "Oh God."

"That's it, baby. Tell me how it feels." I kissed a path down her exposed neck.

Cool air rushed over us as she flung the blanket off. "So hot." Rolling her hips, she begged, "Don't stop."

As I tugged on the swollen bud gently—which wasn't easy with how wet she was—she let out a high-pitched moan. "Yes! Please, more. I'm so close." Her panting sent tiny clouds into the night sky.

"You're so fucking beautiful." Smirking, though she couldn't see me, I added, "Now be a good girl and come all over my hand."

A shocked gasp split the quiet surrounding us, and her eyes opened to stare at me, but her body obeyed my command. Coming hard, she slumped against my chest, trembling with the aftershocks.

Brushing the damp hair away from her face, I mused, smiling, "I think we just unlocked your praise kink, sweetheart."

Her only reply was a shaky breath that could almost pass for a laugh, and I held her close.

When her breathing evened out, she pushed off my chest, sitting up once again. "Your turn," she declared, licking her lips and reaching for my waistband.

If she thought I was about to let her drop to her bare knees in the snow, she had another thing coming. I wasn't going to stop her if she wanted to experiment with oral—hell, I'd teach her if she wanted—but not when she was half naked in below-freezing temps.

"Let's go inside," I offered.

Gliding her soaking wet pussy over my concealed erection, she pouted. "But it's so beautiful out here. When else will we have a chance to make love under the stars in front of a frozen lake?"

Closing my eyes, I groaned. "You're killing me, baby."

Dipping her head, her lips grazed the shell of my ear. "Make a core memory with me, Braxton."

Fuck. This woman was threatening to unravel me. But I couldn't be mad about it. She was perfect.

"Raise up on your knees," I commanded, giving in to the inevitable. I couldn't deny her. Whatever she asked for, I would give it to her.

Obeying, her movement allowed me enough room to shift my pants down and free my cock. Dropping my ass back onto the seat, I hissed at the contact with the freezing cold wood. It was a miracle my dick didn't shrivel, given the temperature. The only saving grace was the heat radiating from between Dakota's thighs.

"Here's how this is gonna go, baby." I held her chin between my fingers. "You're gonna ride my cock, and you're gonna get yourself off fast. If you want more, that can be arranged inside. I don't like you out here with so few clothes on."

Nodding as much as my grip on her face allowed, she shifted enough that our bodies were aligned. But like the spitfire she was, she reached down and ripped the shirt over her head, revealing every perfect inch of skin.

Unable to stop myself, my hand drew back, landing on her ass. She squealed, but fire flashed in her blue eyes as I growled, "Don't mistake my kindness for weakness. You're playing a very dangerous game."

Raising an eyebrow, she taunted, "I thought you liked games."

"Listen closely, Firefly," I gritted out. "You have exactly five seconds to sink onto my cock."

A mischievous grin lit up her face. "Or else what?"

My grip tightened painfully on her hips, but she didn't react. Forget the blushing virgin. This woman was a siren. And she was all mine.

"You wanna act like a brat? Then you'll be punished like one. I'll fucking tie you to your bed and spend all night painting every stunning inch of your skin with my cum. You'll be my muse as I stroke my cock, never once letting you have it as I come over and over again."

Her eyes widened, but she didn't shrink under my intense gaze. "I'd like to see you try."

That was it. My control snapped, and I took charge, sliding her onto my cock myself since it was clear she was being defiant for sport. God, I was going to have so much fun with this woman. We had the rest of our lives to play these games.

With my eyes trained on her face, I noticed the tiniest grimace once I bottomed out. Softening, I asked, "You sure you're okay?"

Nodding, Dakota rolled her hips, testing the feeling of our joining. "I'm good," she confirmed.

"Hold on tight, baby. This is gonna be a rough ride."

Lifting her with ease, I slammed her back down on my cock. "God, yes," she moaned.

Jesus. I was thinking I could get her off quickly and get her inside the warm house, but with the blistering heat and softness that accompanied going bare, I wasn't sure she would get off before I exploded. This would be the ultimate test of my self-control.

Repeating my actions, this time, I raised my hips to meet hers, grinding us together on impact. Dakota's fingers dug into my shoulders, which only spurred me on. Almost violently, I moved her over my cock, her near screams splitting the air.

"Oh!" she squealed. "Right there!"

Honing in on the action that brought on such a visceral reaction, I went to work, pounding into her while barely holding on myself.

"Come on, baby," I forced out through gritted teeth, feeling her walls flutter around me. "Squeeze my cock. Milk me dry."

Mouth dropping open, she sucked in a sharp breath before shattering in my arms. Chasing the waves of pleasure, her hips jolted erratically, and I let loose with a roar so loud my throat felt raw when I finally quieted.

Banding my arms around her waist, I pulled her to my chest. Her stuttered breaths fanned against my chin as our combined release leaked onto my thighs.

Despite the chill, I had to admit Dakota was right. I would never forget this night with her. It was as perfect as she was.