chapter 37

Izzy’s mind reeledas Lillian led her back to the dining room and paused before they entered.

“I can’t tell you how weird it is to see you in my parents’ house, but I’m glad you’re here.”

Izzy’s heart sang. Eleanor liked her for Lillian. And Lillian had kissed her on a porch at her parents’ home. It was amazing Izzy could still form words, but she managed to whisper, “Me too.”

Izzy tried to collect herself as she sat down at the table. Ashlyn Stewart’s wife had arrived while Izzy was gone. They introduced her—Rose Josten—like the couple were family friends. Izzy scanned Lillian’s eyes for a clue to how the interview went. Lillian didn’t reveal much emotion in front of her family, nor did she say much, although conversation was light and cheerful, and it was easy to jump in with a joke or story. But Lillian didn’t seem crushed. Occasionally she giggled at something Izzy, Kia, or her uncle said, and, although her laugh was quiet, it was giddy. No one mentioned the documentary. Finally, dinner came to an end. Kia rose.

“Lil, take my car. I’m going to ride home with my dad.” She glanced at Izzy. “I’m sure you don’t mind riding back with Lil?”

They were quiet as they walked to the circular drive where Kia had parked. Kia drove a vintage sports car, a make and model car enthusiasts probably coveted. Izzy had barely noticed that it was stick shift when Kia was driving, but Lillian putting the car in gear and heading down the hill into LA traffic with one hand resting on the gearshift was so breathtakingly sexy that Izzy thought she might pass out. But that wasn’t the important thing right now.

“Do you want to talk about the interview?” Izzy asked.

“Not yet. I’m still trying to sort it out.” Lillian moved her hand on Izzy’s knee. “Eleanor didn’t give you a hard time, did she?”

“She was sweet. She said she’d give me an orchid. They were beautiful!”

“Oh God. She showed you all of them, didn’t she,” Lillian said.

Hopefully that meant the interview hadn’t been too hard.

“Not nearly. I showed her an app she could use for her watering system.”

“An app you made?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s so damn hot. How do you do it?”

“Make a universal remote control app?”

“All of it. Charm my mother.”

It had felt good having the matriarch of the family bustling around her and offering her a gift and praising her app.

“She was… the way a mom should be. Maternal, I guess.”

“Maternal?” A puzzled look replaced Lillian’s smile.

Hopefully she was too focused on the road to notice Izzy watching her.

“Sweet? Nothing about Eleanor is sweet or maternal.” Lillian paused. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I didn’t think about what Eleanor would look like if you’d had… your mom.” Lillian’s voice was gentle now.

“My mom never gave me an orchid.” It came out too wistful.

“She really will send you one. I’ll give her your address. I shouldn’t complain about my mom. She was there for me. I can say that.”

“You can complain about anything you want.”

Lillian merged onto a crowded freeway. Izzy recognized the signs to the freeway that would lead them back to the Mimosa Resort. Lillian was going to miss it.

“That way.” Izzy pointed.

“Oh.” Lillian glanced over nervously. “I didn’t even ask. Do you want to come home with me? We don’t have to be back at the resort yet.”

Izzy’s world burst into bloom like every magnolia and bougainvillea in California had opened simultaneously, like the wind had picked up the scent of lemon blossom and curled it around her in a swirl of pixie magic.

“I wouldn’t mind.”

Lillian’s house was a low, midcentury-modern stucco, near the top of a hill of equally understated homes. A small garden of rocks and cacti graced the front yard. Lights set in the landscaping shone on the walls, making them glow a peach color. A fountain burbled in front of the entrance.

Inside, Lillian switched on a table lamp by the door, but she barely needed a lamp with the stunning wall of windows on the other side of the room. Izzy hadn’t realized how high they’d climbed. Below them, the city lights glowed, the thoroughfares like veins of light. Inside, a stone foyer welcomed them into an open-concept living room furnished in hues of white and beige. It was gorgeous, but the space felt very still, as though no one had been here for a long time.

Lillian poured them both a glass of water and a glass of dark red wine. They sat on opposite ends of a large couch, their legs resting against each other in the middle, Lillian still wearing her white pumps. Izzy was surprised that Lillian put her shoes on the sofa. It seemed like a leave-your-shoes-at-the-door kind of house. Still, Izzy felt at ease.

“I can see where you could put some houseplants,” Izzy said. “Maybe a tillandsia.”

“If I knew what that was, I’d order one.” Lillian smiled.

“It’s an air plant. You just mist it or hang it in your shower. It’s the one you can travel with. I’ll get you one.”

To remember me by.

“Do you want to talk about the interview now?” Izzy asked quietly. “You really do have a right to complain or not talk about it. Whatever you want.”

“I said most of the right things.” Lillian gazed out the window. Her stillness mirrored the stillness of the house.

“Did you say wrong things too? I mean, if you felt them, they aren’t wrong. Did you go off script?”

“Ballet cost me so much life. So many things I haven’t done. When you do what I did, you only get to be one thing.” Lillian turned back to Izzy. “Ashlyn asked if it was worth it.”

“What did you say?”

If Lillian said no, that meant she wanted something more than a life of travel and ballet. The hope Izzy should be trying to quash rose like the sun.

“Yes.”

Somehow Izzy’s hopes refused to be quashed.

“I think so,” Lillian amended. “There’ve been times when I executed an impossible move and got it perfect. Not just that the audience and the critics thought it was perfect, but I knew in every cell of my body that I got it right. Every fiber of every single muscle and all my heart.” A fierce joy filled Lillian’s eyes.

You’re worth it.All the heartbreak that might follow after the show… it was worth it to see that look in Lillian’s eyes. To see her be so real. When Izzy was unguarded, her inner child emerged. When Lillian let all her guard down, she was a goddess.

“You don’t know what it’s like if you haven’t been there. For that one split second, you’re immortal. There’s nothing else. And in that moment, it’s all worth it.” Lillian’s energy faded to something warmer and more human. She took a sip of wine and put her glass on the floor. She rested her cheek against the top of the sofa. “But I think… and I told Ashlyn… just because those sacrifices were worth it then doesn’t mean they’ll be worth it forever. And I know that I shouldn’t worry about what Eleanor thinks. I’m too old to be doing things for her approval.”

“Don’t worry,” Izzy said. “It’s really hard to get rid of your inner child. Trust me. I’m trying.”

Lillian nudged Izzy’s knee with hers.

“I like your inner child.”

“But go on,” Izzy said. “You don’t want to do things for your mom’s approval but…?”

“If Ashlyn puts that in the documentary, I’m worried Eleanor will feel like she wasted her time. She gave up a lot too. She sacrificed so much to make me a… unicorn. If I gave up ballet, I’d just be a woman with really great abs trying to figure out what to do with her life. And I do like being a unicorn. I can’t lie. It’s fun to always be the best. To always win. Except for this damn TV show, I don’t know what it’s like to lose. I know I won’t like it even though I will be losing to you.” Lillian traced her fingers along the sofa in an unconscious caress that made Izzy’s body tingle.

“You’ll win,” Izzy said.

Nothing was guaranteed, but how could Velveteen Crush possibly beat Lillian and her dancers?

“Nah, it’ll be you,” Lillian said. “And I’ll be terribly jealous, but you’ll make it up to me in bed on our last night together.”

Lillian hesitated on the word last. Could she be feeling what Izzy felt?

“I don’t want you to lose.” Izzy meant it.

“I don’t want you to lose.”

Lillian tipped her head back with a sigh that sounded both regretful and amused.

“Who are we kidding,” Lillian said. “Effectz is going to kick all of our asses.”

Izzy rolled her eyes. “Are they even human? Their moves!”

“The important thing I told Ashlyn is that I’ve missed out on a lot of things, and it was worth it, and I think I’m ready to make up for some of those things.”

Izzy would help her make up for anything. Did Lillian want to go to medical school? Izzy was ready to help her study. Did Lillian want to climb the Himalayas? Amazon Prime could get Izzy ice cleats by tomorrow.

“I don’t know… just sit somewhere and watch the sunset every night for a month. Explore one of the cities I’ve danced in but never seen. And go to a water park, a real one with slides.”

Izzy laughed at the image of dignified Lillian Jackson whooping as she shot out of a waterslide.

“Hey.” Lillian play slapped Izzy’s leg. “I get to have my dream.”

“Oh my God. Of course you do! I love it. I’ll take you to every waterslide in America.”

Oops. What she was supposed to do was break up with Lillian in a couple of days or a couple of weeks. That was the plan; plans could change.

“I’d like that.” Lillian tucked her hand under the cuff of Izzy’s pants and stroked her skin. After a moment, she said, “Enough about my poor rich-girl life.”

Izzy touched Lillian’s white pump. When she was sure Lillian didn’t have more to say, Izzy asked, “Do you always wear your shoes in the house?” Izzy’s hand was still resting on Lillian’s pump.

“As long as you’re here, I will.”

“Why?”

“My feet are ugly. All dancers’ are. It’s a price we pay.”

“I don’t care. Show me.” Izzy stroked the smooth leather of Lillian’s shoe.

Lillian pulled her feet back a few inches. “No,” she said with indignation that sounded half-pretend, half-real.

“I’ve seen you naked.” Izzy offered Lillian a touch of Blue’s smile. Was it too soon? Had they moved from real talk to flirtation?

“I have a beautiful body, but did you look at my feet?” Lillian’s pretend scowl broke. “No. You were too busy looking other places.”

“How could I not?”

“I always look at feet, and I like yours,” Lillian said. “They’re like little white sea creatures.”

Izzy burst out laughing. “Lillian! That’s the worst compliment I’ve ever gotten.”

“They’re lovely,” Lillian protested. “They’re all pale and soft and perfect because they live under the sand.”

“I can’t believe I was thinking about your pussy and you were thinking about my pale fish feet. Are you going to wear socks to bed now, so I won’t look?” Izzy squeezed Lillian’s foot, the leather barely yielding. “I’ve spent every second of free time building up a burlesque troupe that’s dedicated to the idea that people don’t have to be perfect to perform, to be seen, to be loved.”

“And you do all of that under the guise of Blue Lenox.”

The comment might have sounded harsh except for the tenderness in Lillian’s eyes and the coaxing way Lillian tilted her head. Izzy had never felt so seen, not even by Sarah, who had known her for years.

“I don’t take my own advice.” Izzy looked everywhere but at Lillian. “Some of the best people I know don’t take their own good advice.”

“Fine,” Lillian said, closing her eyes.

Slowly, she kicked off one pump and then another. Her skin was rough, her big toe turned in. The joints looked perpetually swollen. Izzy felt a wave of tenderness for Lillian’s feet.

“May I?” She readjusted her position so she could draw both Lillian’s feet into her lap.

Lillian nodded.

“These are wonderful feet.”

“Liar,” Lillian said.

“Even though they don’t look like pale fish. You’ve got to work on your compliment game.” It was so easy to be together, so fun to tease Lillian, and Izzy felt happy. It felt like stepping out of an airport into a new city. This wasn’t the exhilaration of performing. It wasn’t the giddiness of having a drink too many with her friends, her Blue Lenox persona fully in place. This was the comfortable, uncomplicated happiness that couples had.

Izzy gently pressed her thumb into the sole of Lillian’s foot and rubbed. Lillian let out a moan of pleasure more intimate than the way she’d cried out during sex.

“You’ll ruin me for all the others.” Lillian closed her eyes and sighed. “God, that feels good.”

“Did you see the picture on the show’s Instagram?”

“What picture?”

Izzy reached for her phone.

“Don’t stop,” Lillian groaned when Izzy took her hands off her feet.

Lillian picked her own phone off the floor. Izzy returned to massaging Lillian’s beautiful, imperfect feet. Lillian scanned through the pictures.

“It’s of us,” Izzy said, happiness giving way to uncertainty. Lillian couldn’t be that upset, but if she looked at Izzy with reproach, said, This can’t happen again, that would hurt.

“Check the top of their feed,” Izzy said.

Lillian studied the picture.

“It looks like we’re holding hands,” Lillian noted.

“Is it bad for you to have this out there? They’ll probably try to get more photos of us if people like that one.”

“Seven hundred and thirty-two likes and a lot of rainbows.”

“Will it hurt you in auditions?”

“Something like this? Nah. No one cares that I’m a lesbian,” Lillian said but her lips pursed in a slight frown. “As long as it doesn’t hurt the company. That’s all I care about.”

Lillian closed her eyes. Izzy kept touching her feet. Slowly, the tight lines around Lillian’s lips softened.

“Tell me all about these air plants I’m going to start collecting so I can be just like my mother with a house full of exotic plants no one can tell apart.”

To make Lillian laugh, Izzy began to explain in the most minute detail she could.

“Some of them have a lot of thin fronds, but they’re probably not called fronds. And they’re silvery, but not so much that you think they’re dead.”

She went on until Lillian laughed, “It’s too much. I can’t take any more fronds.”

Then the conversation drifted to everything and nothing. Show gossip. Favorite restaurants. For the first time since Izzy had met her, Lillian seemed to totally relax.

They talked dreamily until eventually Lillian said, “I have a beautiful Jacuzzi tub I never use. Would you like to do that with me?” In the bathroom, Lillian picked up a candle from an attractive arrangement on the counter. She showed Izzy the wick. “See? Never used.”

Luckily she did have matches. Soon they were deep in vanilla-scented bubbles from a bottle Lillian had also never used. Lillian rested Izzy between her legs, pressing her back to Lillian like she had at the coast, but this time she slid her hand between Izzy’s legs and gently bit her shoulder as Izzy arched into her hand. Izzy needed every circle of Lillian’s fingers, every delicate press and release, Lillian’s fingers just barely inside her. Everything felt good, and everything drove her crazy, but in between nibbling on her shoulder and kissing her neck, Lillian still checked in. “More? There? Here?” Until Lillian must have sensed Izzy was too close to know exactly how hard or which side of her clitoris was more pleasurable.

Izzy mounted higher, reaching for something to clutch, her hands slipping off the slick tub, then clutching Lillian’s legs. Lillian’s touch was so light. So light. Then harder. Izzy knew exactly when Lillian found the perfect firm, fast circles. Exactly what Izzy wanted.

“There!” Izzy gasped. “Don’t stop.”

She didn’t need to say it. Lillian knew not to change anything so close to the edge. Izzy came with a howl of pleasure.

When Izzy had caught her breath, Lillian drew her out of the tub. They toweled each other off. Izzy admired every sinew of Lillian’s body. In bed, they took their time. Izzy worshiped Lillian’s small breasts, feeling her hard pectoral muscles, admiring Lillian’s nipples, which were the same gorgeous ebony as the rest of her skin. Their bodies were so beautifully different. Even Lillian’s vulva was different. Izzy’s was discreet, almost Barbie-like, until she was really turned on. Lillian’s vulva was lush and big and full, like a secret extravagance when the rest of her was so sculpted and contained. Izzy worshiped that too. They took turns until Lillian came and Izzy came again. They kissed some more, slowing down as fatigue claimed them. Izzy melted into the blankets. Lillian covered her eyes with her arm.

“Damn, girl.” Lillian drew out the words, praise and satisfaction in two syllables. She took Izzy’s hand without looking at her. “Just in case you were wondering, I want you to stay the night.”