chapter 16

Kia was inLillian’s studio apartment when Lillian got back, her laptop open to whatever marketing plan or over-the-top street food trend she was researching.

“It’s one o’clock,” Lillian said. “What are you doing here? You have your own place.”

Kia had rented a tiny home in a tiny-home village on the other side of the river.

“Waiting for you,” Kia said. “I wanted to see how it went with your burlesque babe.”

“Nothing happened with her,” Lillian said quickly.

Kia turned from her computer, giving Lillian her full attention.

“She wasn’t the last performance? Didn’t go onstage? I’m not waiting to hear if they made it?”

Oh. Yeah. That’s what Kia was talking about.

“They made it. Retroactive Silence lost.”

Lillian dropped her bag on the floor. Her sketchbook and a water bottle fell out. She flopped onto the bed without picking them up. (Eleanor would have called the movement indecorous.) Lillian draped her arm across her eyes.

“I cannot mess this up.”

“Mess what up?”

“Everything. The company. This stupid show. Imani is so close to being discovered. Jonathan and Malik have spent their whole career dancing together. They’re like two halves of one person. And Pascale. What do I tell her? That she missed out on her kids’ childhood to dance, and now I ruined it because I couldn’t get my shit together and focus?”

“Whoa. I know y’all made it through the challenge,” Kia said. “Your burlesque babe did too. What’s all the angst?”

Lillian sat up again.

“She’s not my anything.”

“So you say.”

“I can’t be distracted. I need to be one hundred percent here. On the stage. In rehearsal. Focused.”

Lillian stood up and paced across the small studio.

“You’re always focused.”

Lillian whirled around. She pressed her fingertips to her forehead.

“Okay, fine. I kissed Blue.”

Why had she done it?

“I would never have guessed,” Kia said.

“I know. I can’t believe it either.”

“Irony,” Kia said, eyebrows raising above her glasses. “I could totally have guessed.”

“How?”

Kia’s eyebrows said, I’m not even going to answer that.

“Are you going to sleep with her again?”

“I don’t want to sleep with her.” Yes, she did. “I don’t want to…” Take her to the height of pleasure until she explodes into a galaxy of stars. “I mean, if we weren’t on the show and she wasn’t a distraction and we hadn’t had sex once, I could hit that. But no. No!”

“Is that my lil’ puffin throwing herself on the bed like a swooning maiden?” Uncle Carl’s voice came from Kia’s laptop.

Why hadn’t Kia warned her! Kia wasn’t researching whipped cream sandwiches. She was talking to her father.

“You did not tell me you were Zooming with your dad,” Lillian protested. “Uncle Carl, you didn’t…”

“Heard everything, my dear. Don’t worry. When you’re my age, you don’t faint at tales of Sapphic love. Kia said you met someone special.”

“She’s not—” Lillian was going to finish the sentence with special.

But Lillian could see exactly how Blue would look if Blue heard her. She’s not special. Blue’s cocky smile would go brittle for a second, and then she’d be right back to flirting outrageously, but it wouldn’t be quite the same.

“And her troupe made it on the show. What a beautiful coincidence.” On the blurry screen, Uncle Carl pressed a hand to his heart. “Fate can be a loving goddess.”

Kia looked at Lillian, grinning, as she said, “Lillian told me they spent a diverting night together.”

“I never said diverting.”

“Oh, that’s right. Was it funny and hot as fuck?”

“Kia! My uncle does not want to hear about my sex life.”

“Your uncle most certainly does want to hear about your love life,” Uncle Carl said. “I love the part about love.” He sounded like the spoken interlude between two songs in a musical.

“There is no love part. There is no part at all. This show is work, and I’m working.”

“Oh, my lil’ puffin. You are your mother’s daughter. I’m going to log off and let you two young people discuss this mysterious woman that our lil’ puffin has kissed twice. But remember, my dear, even Eleanor married the man of her dreams.”

“I’m not—” Uncle Carl left the Zoom call in the middle of Lillian’s sentence. “—going to get married,” Lillian finished to the blank screen.

“Talk.” Kia sat down cross-legged on the bed and motioned for Lillian to sit beside her. “What did you do?”

“I stuck around to congratulate her. There was a power outage, just for a minute.” Lillian skipped the part where Blue had screamed and then melted into her arms, how it made her feel protective and strong and turned-on. Or how seeing Blue in a sweatshirt felt oddly like seeing Blue naked, a part of her true self revealed. Or how hot that was. She could almost see Blue smiling in the darkness because she’d memorized the way one corner of Blue’s lip raised as though Blue was trying not to smile but not trying hard.

“Then we walked out and before we left, I just…”

“Grabbed her, shoved her against a wall, and kissed her?”

“Yeah.”

“For real?!”

“I told her we’d never do it again.” Lillian winced. “I asked her not to tell anyone on the show that we’ve been together.”

“And then you shoved her up against a wall and kissed her.”

“With consent.”

“I love you, coz, but you’re giving the girl some messed-up mixed messages.”

Kia was right. Lillian squeezed her eyes closed. Beneath her facade Blue was sensitive, not broken, not weak, but sensitive. Someone who deserved to be handled carefully.

“I won’t do it again.” Lillian looked around the small apartment. “I can’t get off track, and I don’t want to hurt her. I want her to lose. I want all of them to lose.” She stared at the landscape print on the wall. “We have to win. I’m just going to…” Try not to speak to her again. Avoid her. Tell Blue this time I mean it: never again.

“Or,” Kia said, “you could do something totally crazy?”

“What?”

“You could…” Kia drew the words out. “Stop sending her mixed messages, take her out to dinner. You know, be nice to her and then kiss her.”

It was a lovely picture. Blue would like it. Lillian could almost see the happy surprise on Blue’s face if Lillian asked her out. And Lillian ached at the impossibility of it.

“I didn’t work this hard to throw it away on a… relationship. And I’m not interested. Seriously.”

Kia leaned off the bed, stretching to reach Lillian’s sketchbook lying on the floor. She held the book open against her chest.

“You’re really not interested?”

“No.”

Kia lowered the sketchbook.

Oh.

It had fallen open to the sketch of Blue naked.

“That’s not—” Lillian had colored Blue’s hair with blue ballpoint pen. “Give it here.” She never drew in color. “You weren’t supposed to see that.” Lillian snatched the sketchbook out of Kia’s hand.

Blue had promised not to tell people they slept together. And now Kia had seen Lillian’s sketch of Blue naked. Lillian really was messing up.

“It’s good,” Kia said. “It’s even better than your other ones.”

“She’s a striking model. That’s all.” Lillian turned down the corner of the page so she could find it easily when Kia wasn’t looking.

“Damn, girl,” Kia said. “You are so hooked.”