Chapter 25 Kelly Kaplan

A Conversation I Need to Have in Person

Two Days Until Christmas

“We haven't seen snow like this in years,” my grandma says as she whips up the batter for her famous pancakes so we can eat breakfast for lunch—her favorite meal to make. “Good thing you got in yesterday, or your flight might've been canceled.”

I murmur some sound to let her know I'm listening, but I'm not all that focused on our conversation. I can't stop brooding over the fact that I called him last night and he never answered.

I know he has practice today, so I know he's awake by now…but he still hasn't bothered to call. All the progress we made feels like it’s being pulled out from under us, and he is reverting back to this guy that I'm not sure I can trust.

I glance over at Mia, who's sitting on my dad's lap as they watch Sesame Street , and can't help but think she deserves everything. I thought we were in a position to give that to her, but I'm not so sure anymore.

My mom walks over and slings an arm around my shoulder. “Did you two sleep good last night?”

I nod. “Mia was worn out from all the screaming, and so was I.” I chuckle. “You?”

“Just fine,” she says. “But if you slept good, why are you so cranky today?”

My brows pinch together. “I'm not cranky.” I definitely sound cranky, and she raises her brows pointedly.

“Your grandmother is making her famous pancakes, and you’re sitting here at the table, staring out the window instead of standing at her feet to help like you did when you were little.”

“I'm not little anymore,” I protest.

“No, that's definitely true, but I don't know...I guess I just figured you would pass the torch to a little one, and instead you’re sitting here like you just lost your best friend.”

“I'm fine.” I should've known that I couldn't hide all this from her, so I relent and give her the truth. “I called Austin last night and he didn’t pick up, okay? And then I saw pictures of him out with friends. It just sucks, and I have no idea what’s going on.”

“So call him again,” she says.

“He's got practice today, and he didn't call me before he left. He's going through some things, and I'm trying to be understanding and give him space, but seeing pictures of him out with his friends when he can't be bothered to call his daughter to say goodnight, let alone the woman he is supposedly trying to rekindle things with…it just hurts.” I brush away a tear I didn’t even realize fell.

My grandma walks over and puts an arm around my shoulder. “Sweet, sweet Kelly. Trust me when I say men don't think the way we do. I'm certain you're reading too much into this, and things will look different once you are able to talk to him in person.”

I know she's right, and I'm trying to be understanding, but I can't help thinking that even though I know the game will always have to come first to him…I still wish he would put us first. I don't say that to my mom and grandma, instead just opting to smile like they’re right.

And maybe they are. But they also don't know all the details about our complicated history.

I know he's going through this whole thing with the drug test, and as I laid in bed last night, thinking about him and his reaction to the results, I realized that I believed in him wholeheartedly. There must be some mistake with the results.

But because he didn't pick up his phone and I wasn't able to tell him that, who knows where his mind is now? Is he thinking I don't believe him?

It was a whirlwind, and I didn’t have time to think things through. It wasn’t until the quiet of night, when Mia was asleep and the house was silent, that I realized I don’t have any doubts about him at all.

But I can’t fix that when I’m hundreds of miles away.

Lunch is ready, and the pancakes are as delicious as I remember. We even give Mia a little one, and she gobbles it up. I guess we have another new food to add to her dietary variety even though I don't make pancakes anywhere near as delicious as my grandma’s.

I take Mia outside for a while as the snow falls relentlessly. It’s peaceful and quiet here, and it’s a beautiful thing to watch my sweet little girl experience her first blizzard.

I take videos, thinking about how I can send them to Austin when it strikes me how every thought seems to revert back to him somehow.

This isn't how I pictured feeling on Christmas, and I have the sudden urge to get back home to him.

I want to spend the day with him even though I know he'll be at practice for a portion of it. We’re trying to build something here, and I've spent enough time brooding over him not calling me last night.

I want him to know that I believe in him and trust him, and that I don't care what the test results said. If he says he didn't do it, then I believe he didn't do it, and that feels like a conversation I need to have with him in person.

I want him to know that he comes first to Mia and me. I feel like that is something he needs to know, but I had this trip planned, and so I took off to Chicago without a second glance back when we should be spending Mia’s first Christmas together as a family.

I head back inside and run upstairs to change Mia out of the cold, wet clothes from playing in the snow. I grab my phone and check to see when the next flight back to Vegas is, but trying to get a flight out on the night before Christmas Eve last minute is next to impossible.

The only one with a seat available is the redeye tonight.

I don't think it's right to put Mia through that. Maybe she'll sleep the whole time, but I doubt it. I head back downstairs and plop down onto the couch next to my dad. I set Mia on his lap, and he glances over at me.

“You okay?” he asks.

I press my lips together, and then I go for the truth. “I feel like Mia and I should get back home to be with Austin on Christmas, but all the flights today are booked except the redeye. I don't think I should take Mia across the country two days before Christmas on a redeye flight after the way she behaved on the flight out here.”

He chuckles. “Why do you feel like you should go back home?”

“Real talk?” I ask.

“Always.”

“He was drug tested a couple days ago. The results came back positive for a performance-enhancing drug. He said he didn’t do it, that there had to be a mistake. We were in the car on the way to the airport, and I didn't really have a chance to tell him I believe him. It was chaos. We were late for our flight, but I called him last night, and he didn't answer because he was out drinking with his teammates. And now I don't know where we stand or if he thinks I don't trust him, and I hate that.”

My dad leans his head against mine. “Want to know what I think?”

“I would love to know what you think.”

“I think if you belong together, you'll find a way to make it work. And he was out with his friends. He’s going through something, his girl and his daughter are out of town, and maybe he just needed a night to blow off some steam with his friends. Guys do that, Kelly Belly. It’s not like he was out with some other woman. Have you tried calling him again?”

I shake my head. “He's at practice now.”

“Two days before Christmas?”

I nod. “They play Sunday, so it’s a regular week for them.”

“Is that hard on you?” He bounces Mia, and she giggles.

“It’s hard being away from him for Christmas, but I kind of know what I'm getting into in terms of his schedule.”

“I just want you to be happy, and I know it's been a tough road for you to get there with him. But if you’re willing to put in the work, I think you could have exactly what you're looking for.”

“But what does put in the work even mean?” I ask. “Does it mean traveling across the country two days before Christmas to get to him so I can tell him I believe him?”

“It might,” he says with a shrug. “But there's a kid to think about here too, so maybe it means being patient and trusting that he's on the other end of us waiting for you. But I don't think it means that you should sit around here with that sad look on your face anymore. You're here to celebrate Christmas, so enjoy it while you're here, and then you get back home to him and work it all out.”

I lean on his shoulder. “You’re pretty good at this advice thing.”

He chuckles. “I aim to please.” Mia starts rubbing her eyes, so I take her upstairs to get her down for a nap. The adults play a rousing game of Uno with my grandfather emerging victorious.

I check my phone but still don't have anything from Austin, and I try to remember my dad's words about being patient.

Maybe he’s right. I’ve spent far too much time since I met him not trusting him and believing the worst, which has amounted to a rather colossal waste of time.

And since I still don't have a call or text from him, I realize it’s okay for me to try again. I don’t have to wait forever for him to call.

Me: Hope practice went well today. Thinking about you, missing you, and thought I should tell you that of course I believe you.

And then I wait.