Chapter 8

Eight

December 24, 1819

E dward stood in the portrait gallery gazing down onto the lawn. The pungent scent of pine from the boughs hung over the windows infiltrated his nostrils, forever reminding him it was the holiday season. It was once more snowing, and some of the guests had decided to go sledding, while a handful of young men wished to go hunting for the perfect tree to decorate in the drawing room in the Bavarian style. Regardless, pockets of people moved over the snow-covered lawn, which gave the wintertime landscape dots of color.

From what he understood, his sisters had taken Nancy within their midst, and they were part of the party that had gone sledding. While he would have enjoyed indulging in that activity merely to go down one of the hills with Nancy, he needed the time to think, for he had been more than confused since she'd arrived back in his life.

Later tonight, he would host the annual Christmas Eve ball for his house guests as well as anyone in the village who wished to attend. Any notables within the ton who were in the area were welcome too.

"I thought I would find you here."

With a frown, Edward turned about to regard Kitty, who waited five feet behind him with a rabbit fur muff in her hand and a flannel lined bonnet sitting on her blonde hair. The folds of her pink dress were made fuller by what was probably a flannel or wool petticoat beneath.

"I assumed you were with the others, heading to the sledding hill."

"I was… well, I am, but I'd forgotten my muff." She held up the accessory. "Even with gloves or mittens, my hands get so cold."

He grunted. "Reggie isn't there to warm you up?" The pair had been scandalous since they'd wed. Hell, they'd been that before the nuptial ceremony, but at least she was happy.

A faint blush stained his sister's cheeks. "My husband wasn't invited. This is a ladies only outing." Then an odd expression crossed her face, and she pressed a gloved index finger to her upper lip. Seconds later, whatever it was had passed. "In any event, since I had to run back to my room and I hadn't seen you for a bit, I decided to come looking for you."

"Why? We haven't been in each other's pockets for months."

"Gracious, Edward, can you possibly unbend enough to have a moment with me?" Annoyance went through her voice, hearkening back to the Kitty he'd grown to love over the years.

A grin tugged at the corners of his mouth. "Fair point." He gestured with a hand, inviting her closer to the window. "Why did you wish to speak with me?"

"Well, you only come to the portrait gallery when your mind is muddled."

"How could you possibly know that?"

A huff of frustration escaped her. "I have known you all my life. Even when Papa was alive, you acted as if you had the weight of the world on your shoulders. When it became too much or you couldn't puzzle out a problem, you would come here and brood."

"I don't brood." It was important that she know this.

"Ha! Then you pout." She shook her head as she gazed out on the snow-covered back lawn. "Regardless, you mentioned in passing once that being here amidst the memories of our family members who have gone before helps you to think." With a shrug, she regarded him. "You have always sought counsel from Grandpapa's portrait, and now I suppose Papa's."

Slowly, he nodded. "It brings me comfort to be here, knowing that every earl before me experienced his own triumphs and failures." It gave him hope and strength to be here. "Besides, from the window, I can monitor the goings on of my guests."

"While hiding from the same." Amusement sounded in her voice and was reflected in her blue eyes. "What are you worried about, brother dear? Is it a woman that's got you tied up in knots?"

Was he so easy to read, then? For long moments, he regarded Kitty then finally sighed. "How well do you know Lady Havelock—Nancy?"

"Well enough. We've been in contact on and off over the years. She'd confided in me about the trials with her husband, and I was there for her when the man died." Kitty crept closer to glance out the window. Down on the lawn, a few of his younger nieces and nephews were in the process of making snow angels while a nursery maid and governess stood by. "We became friends over the years but not close enough, I suppose, to share secrets or confidences, but we kept in touch and met for tea every so often. It was… lovely."

"I see." He glowered out the window. "Did you ever speak of me to her in your letters?"

"Only in passing. I told her how much of a snob you were, how you tried to thwart my romance with Reginald." She shot him a grin. "None of that was lies. And I've also told her that since I married, you have changed in tiny little ways."

Somewhat mollified, he nodded. "I once proposed to her. Thirteen years ago, in fact. Her parents and ours encouraged the match."

"I figured it was something like that." For the space of a few heartbeats, Kitty remained silent. "Obviously, something went wrong." It wasn't a question.

"She refused me out of hand. Said she would only marry for love." Oddly, some of the sting had gone out of the remembrance. Was that because Nancy was here, and they had enjoyed a few kisses between them?

"Yet she had no love in her marriage." Kitty rested a gloved palm on the window glass. "I felt so bad for her and the trials she's been through. If anyone deserves to have love in their life, it's Nancy. She's such a sweet woman; she's strong and brave. Did you know that one of the charities she supports is to help comfort and house returning veterans of the war?"

"I did not know that." But it didn't surprise him. She had a giving heart.

"Apparently, one of her friends had come back from war without a leg. In many circles, he was shunned, couldn't find work or housing." She lowered her voice. "Eventually, he took his own life, and she said she hadn't known how deeply he'd suffered. So, because she didn't want that to happen to anyone else, her charity works to give these men a second chance. Every man, even heroes, deserve hope to find their calling and destiny."

"I will have to remember to congratulate her on the initiative." He kept his gaze on the tableau below as his chest tightened. "What is her opinion on men who aren't heroes but have taken up the reins of other responsibilities?"

"I wouldn't know." Kitty turned to him, peered at him until their gazes met. "You have spent time with her over the past few days." It wasn't a question.

"I have. What of it?"

She shrugged. "Have your feelings for her changed over the years?"

"Why do you assume I have feelings for her?" The conversation was running dangerously close to what was bothering him. Would it be so bad if he asked his sister's counsel?

"Don't be more of an arse than you can help, Armestead." Kitty must be quite annoyed with him, for she only used his title when that was so. "You have remained unattached over the years, almost as if you have pulled away from that part of life."

"I have been with women?—"

"Stop." She came close enough to him to lay a hand on his chest. "I'm your sister, Edward. I know things. Mistresses don't count unless you fell in love with one of them?" One of her eyebrows rose in question. When he shook his head, she nodded. "Which I can then only assume means that your heart was broken or at the very least taken by surprise by Nancy all those years ago."

His heartbeat accelerated, and he resisted the urge to tug at his suddenly too-tight cravat. "I have never admitted to that fact."

"No, but you have discussed the possibility with Reginald."

He groaned. "And, of course, he mentioned that to you, because he's married to you."

"No, because he is worried for you—his best friend. I am too, as your sister, and I only want you happy. I didn't understand what that meant, thought it to be a mysterious state found in… everything around me, but then I became involved with Reginald. Everything changed and became--"

"Sharper? That you see things with more clarity, more color?"

"Something like that." Kitty patted his chest. " Are you in love with Nancy? There is no harm in it. But if you are, I advise that you should do something about it before she slips away a second time."

And that was the question that had originally brought him up to the portrait gallery. "Ah, Kitty, why do such things have to be so convoluted and confusing?"

When she smiled, his whole world felt a bit rosier, which was a true testament to how Kitty herself had changed since being married. "Unfortunately, that is how love is, brother. If it doesn't wring you out and twist up your insides, and scramble your brains, it's not love at all." Amusement reflected in her eyes. "Have you kissed her yet?"

Heat went up the back of his neck. "Yes, a few times."

"Have you been intimate with her?"

"Do hush, little sister, and that is none of your concern."

"Ah. That means no. I'm somewhat disappointed in you."

He cleared his throat. "It has been a busy time and?—"

"Nevermind." She winked. "Answer my original question."

"As the days go on, and each time I am with her, yes, I believe the feelings I have always held for her are swiftly changing into those of love." Damn, but it felt good to finally have that out. "I am in love with Lady Havelock. Are you happy now?"

"Yes." Her face was lined with that emotion. "Will you tell her at the ball tonight?"

"I'm not certain." The fear of being rejected reared its ugly head and sapped at his confidence. "If she doesn't feel the same way, if she doesn't want a future, then I will always remember Christmastide as yet another failure."

It would do no good to tell his sister that, at times, he felt he wasn't as good an earl as his father was, that he wasn't as good a man, that he was doing his best, but it always seemed as if something were missing.

"I don't claim to be an expert at the subject of love considering I only discovered its meaning in all the ways that matter earlier this year." She patted his chest once more before lowering her hand. "However, I do know that it's worth chasing. And if you have carried a torch for a woman for as long as you have, you shouldn't waste any more time. The life you have always wanted is on the other side of fear, Edward. Don't let that feeling bully you."

Her words made much sense. "Do you speak from experience on fear?"

"I do." She nodded as tears misted her eyes. "Before I said yes to Reginald, I was terrified of marriage. I assumed it would become a prison of sorts, that being his wife would clip my wings and prevent me from doing what I wanted or meeting my own goals."

That was an interesting glimpse into her life. "What changed your mind?"

"He did." When she shrugged, she smiled, but a few tears fell to her cheeks, which thoroughly confused him. "Reginald explained to me that he loved me, and he didn't wish to hold me captive. He only wanted to support me in everything I did."

"Which he has, I assume?" Hell, wouldn't he know if Reg had been lying?

"In so many ways." Slowly, she shook her head even as awe shadowed her eyes. "He is the most wonderful man I have ever met, and what I feel for him? Well, it makes no sense, but it's there all the same." She raised her gaze to his. "That man loves me even on my worst days, and that means… everything."

Damnation but he wanted that sort of security, that kind of love. "Do you think that Nancy will…?" He didn't have the courage to finish the inquiry.

"You will never know until you try." Then she scrubbed at the moisture on her cheeks with her free hand while clutching the rabbit fur muff to her chest. "May I tell you a secret? I have been bursting to tell someone and wanted to make an announcement tomorrow…"

Immediately, his chest tightened. He steeled himself for bad news. "Are you well?"

"Yes." When she nodded, her eyes sparkled with happiness, and another wave of tears fell to her cheeks. "I am increasing, Edward. Just over three months along. You should have a new niece or nephew in early June."

"What?" Shock took hold of him as he stared. "My little sister is going to be a mother," he said in a soft voice. "That's wonderful. Reg didn't tell me."

"We wanted it to be our Christmas present to the family. Please don't let on that you know. I want him to have that moment tomorrow morning at breakfast."

"Of course." Then, because he didn't know what else to do, Edward tugged her into his arms and hugged her. "I'm so proud of you, Kitty. Mama and Papa would have been as well." When he set her away from him, he grinned like a fool. "I shall remain anxious for you until June."

"Do stop." Once more, she wiped her cheeks. "Reginald is beside himself with joy. He will make a wonderful father, I think."

"I know he will." Despite his happiness for his sister, he couldn't help but feel a stab of envy. Had he wasted too much time to have that for himself?

"Edward?"

"Hmm?" He snapped his attention back to Kitty's face.

"As thrilled as I am with the possibility of being a mother, I am frightened as well, but you know what? I am going to do this anyway, and if I can carry this child and bear it, you can declare your feelings to Nancy. We will both face fear together."

That sobered him, and he nodded. "Leave it to my little sister to show me up." Yet it felt as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. "I promise I will talk to Nancy at some point tonight. Will that satisfy you?"

"It will." She grasped his fingers and then released his hand. "I should join the others outside. They'll wonder what happened to me."

"Do you think that sledding is a good idea, in your condition?"

"I hadn't planned to actually do any sledding, only watch the children and perhaps catch them at the bottom of the hill." Her smile was serene. "Don't worry. I won't do anything to harm the babe, so don't argue. I've already told Reginald not to treat me as if I'm made of crystal. That applies to you as well."

A chuckle escaped Edward's throat. "I quite understand." He made a shooing motion with his hand. "Go. Enjoy yourself. I need to make my rounds and see for myself all the preparations for the ball are nearly complete."

She nodded. "I shall see you tonight. Save me a dance."

"I will." He turned back to the window. The children had vacated the lawn, but in their place a couple of deer tramped over the snow as they moved to the other side of the property.

What the devil would he even say to Nancy to convince her that he wanted marriage and everything that would entail, especially after her last union was so horrid that she might not wish to repeat the experience?

If this is truly the season of miracles, please set aside one for me.