4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four

Meria

I breached the surface, looking for Edmar and realized he was near. I looked at his flashing red tail as it shimmered in the moonlight beneath the clear water, and he swam up to me with a smile. Air was so very strange. I had never felt anything dry before. I had heard that word, but had never experienced dry for myself. It was also strange how my hair stuck to me instead of floating about my head.

“Meria, you look lovely this evening,” Edmar said with a smile. His orange hair was the same shade as the coral near the open sea. I found myself wondering what our children would look like. We would have beautiful children, I was sure.

I was so close to motherhood. I had a merman, and that night, he would ask me to marry, and I would say, “yes,” and then soon thereafter, we would marry; then I would have as many merlings as I could, and for that , I couldn't wait. I wanted to see their faces, which would share both my features and Edmar’s, the merman I loved.

You do not love him . Those words echoed within my soul, and I shoved them away. It was love. It had to be.

“Thank you, Edmar. You look dashing this evening, yourself,” I sang, but my melody sounded so different above the sea.

He looked at me with a smile.

The moon was so bright above the water, and everything was so clear, even at a great distance. Air was not thick like sea water. How incredible. I couldn’t help but smile and breathe in the warm, dry air—the feeling of it filling my lungs was so light, so much lighter than the sea water. I felt like I could float up to the moon if I took in enough air.

There were merpeople all around us. That specific spot where the mer always kept the changing tide celebration was in shallow water, just off a small, uninhabited island. There were large outcroppings of rocks jutting out of the ocean. Many of mer of Marren lay about the rocks to bask in the moonlight, their tails fully submerged. We, of course, were taught to never fully leave the water. I had never seen such a sight before, but had heard it described hundreds of times. It was strange to see drops of water on my skin, and every once in a while, there was movement in the air that brought on a slight chill. I looked around in order to see the rocky island for the first time. It was incredible–so beautiful and dark, but the tall green and brown seaweed plants upon that land were so strange, shifting slightly in the currents of air. I had a deep desire to step onto that island, which was ridiculous because I did not step ; humans did that. I had a tail.

“You feel the wind?” I heard one mer say to someone to my right. I lifted my hand from the water— This air current I feel; It is called wind. It picked up some of my hair as if playing with it. I laughed. How incredible.

Go to the island . The thought began and then persisted.

Go to the island . I tried to shove that intrusive rebellion down deep, where all the other traitorous thoughts accumulated inside of me.

“Let’s go over here,” Edmar sang, tugging on my arm to lead me to a vacant, medium-sized rock. He climbed partly up, his red tail still in the ocean, but his upper body exposed to the dry air and wind . I looked around to see the eyes of many mer, looking over at him with wonder. He truly was a handsome merman. I was truly lucky. “Come on, Meria!” he motioned for me to join him. I pulled myself up beside him with a smile. The rocks above the surface were very similar to ones I’d seen every day under the sea.

My father was resting upon the tallest rock. His loud voice rose above all the mermen and merwomen there, causing a silence, other than the crashing of waves upon the rocks. The sound was so beautiful, something completely new to me. I could have listened to that sound for an entire day.

See, that match with Edmar was already giving me so many blessings–being above the water, seeing Marren Island, and hearing the waves crashing into the rocks and the shore. That beauty must have been blessed by the Ancients.

Although, even if Edmar was not with me, I still would have been allowed to rise, as I am of age. So these blessings are not, particularly, because of him.

Luckily, my fathers voice silenced my thoughts.

“It is the changing of the tides! Welcome and enjoy this time to bask in the light of the half moon. Our people have always worshiped the Creator, and we celebrate His wondrous creation of the moon, by which we live. How grateful we are for the tides!” my father said, opening his mouth. I was surprised, knowing that we could speak above the sea just as humans did, but never before having heard such a thing with my ears.

A roar of cheers from all the mers’ mouths sounded.

“Enjoy your evening!” Father called as he turned his head upward to look upon the moon. As the moon reached its exact halfway point in the sky, the water glistened and rippled, and the currents that were moving in one direction changed and flowed in the opposite direction. Many mer splashed about in the water, flipping their tails and jumping out of the water. I smiled. It was so beautiful above the sea with the moon reflecting on the water and my people jumping above the sea, sparkling in the light.

“Meria–” I turned to see Edmar looking at me. He had a gentle but serious smile, and my heart hammered within my chest. He was also opening his mouth like a human; he was speaking instead of singing. I would have to speak also, although I was not sure how to do it.

Is this it? Is he going to ask me to marry him?

My heart would not thump in my chest like this if I did not love him, right?

It had to be what my sisters spoke of. I told myself that even while the feeling I had seemed closer to fear, it was not fear, exactly, and I convinced myself that, perhaps, it was the excitement of being in love that I was feeling.

“We have been courting for some time now, and I think we are incredibly compatible. Would you agree to marry me?” he both said and sang.

Somehow, it wasn't the exact words I thought I would hear. My sisters had talked about claims of love with much emotion when they had been asked. That did not matter, though. Edmar was simpler, that was all. Maybe he was nervous, like I was. All that mattered was that he was going to be my match, and together, we would start our own family. The Creator, and my father, knew what kind of love I needed–Edmar’s. We were simple mer, but simple was still beautiful.

“Y–yes,” I sang back with a sweet smile.

His smile grew wide, and his head dipped down closer to me.

The kiss! It was happening. I tried to make sure I didn’t move an inch. I had waited my whole life for that moment, and I was both terrified and excited. My sisters had spoken about how a first kiss felt so warm and wonderful. Rina said that she felt like her insides were being tickled by hundreds of bubbles. So far, I felt only nervousness and that strange fear-like feeling, but I had a hope that it would be as wonderful as my sisters had told me it would be.

His full lips touched mine, and I waited for the feelings of love to burst through me like bubbles. He pushed against me even more, and his lips started to move, deepening the kiss. I kissed him back, moving my mouth against his as I waited for the feelings to flow through me like warm, tropical waves. His hand touched my shoulder for a moment, and I opened my eyes. He pulled away with a proud smile.

That is it?

“You are good at that,” he sang.

I felt my cheeks warm.

Is that it? That was a kiss? It was not unenjoyable, but it was not as my sisters had described. “We can marry as soon as you desire,” he said.

Being a little disappointed by my first kiss, I shook my head and focused on his words. Perhaps, when we kissed again , I would have the feelings of love burst through me. I was incredibly different from my sisters, afterall. I could not expect to have the same kind of experiences. It was true they had more of a say in the choice of the mermen they married. I reasoned that my traitorous heart would not let me choose a good merman, one that would keep me obedient. Edmar was perfect for me in that way.

“Oh–yes, I would love that. I have always wanted to have merlings. I am sure our children will be so adorable. Can you imagine a white-blond haired mermaid with your red tail?” Despite the kiss, I was still so excited about our future.

“Merlings?” he laughed.

“Yes, of course,” I sang with a frown.

“Well, of course, I would like a few , one day–when we have time for that. Sons, of course.”

“‘Time?’ ‘Sons?’” I asked, as his words ached inside of me. I did not need a dozen babies, but I had always thought four or six was a reasonable number. And I wanted daughters as well as sons. Had we never spoken of such things? I felt like I had expressed many times how much I adored my nieces and nephews, and how I wanted my own someday. Truly, the idea of being a mother was something that burned inside of me, more deeply than any other feelings.

“Yes–” He caressed my cheek and kissed me again, not causing any more feeling than before. “We have plenty of time to discuss such things.”

“But–you only want a few children? How many is a few?” I asked worriedly.

“One, maybe two. I fear that too many more would be irritating. I was an only child and found it wonderful. I am not fond of merlings,” he said with a wink as if that comment was endearing.

It was not. My stomach ached, and I was sure that the aching feeling wasn’t the feeling of elation that my sisters had spoken of.

I pulled away from him.

How did I not know this?

The rest of the evening, he held my hand and was the perfect betrothed mer, but all the emotions and excitement of being matched at long last were not there. I felt empty. How could it be? It had been the thing I was most looking forward to.

“So?” Rina asked the next morning, singing as she swam into my room with her twins in her arms. They were fast asleep, one against each shoulder, their small matching purple fins slowly swaying. I longed for that –how perfect those beautiful babies were.

“Oh, are they sleeping? I want to hold them,” I said, moving to my sister. She smiled, and I could tell she was somewhat relieved by the break. I pulled the two precious mermaids into my arms as they continued to sleep. Their warmth against me caused me to smile, complimenting the small smiles they kept in their sleep. There was nothing more beautiful than those little faces. How amazing it was to think that those sweet, little ones had just been with the Creator. How pure and lovely.

“So, what?” I asked, still feeling conflicted and confused about what I knew she was asking me. I tried to soak up the babies’ sweetness and not focus on my own troubles.

“Did he ask you?” she asked, swimming up to me where I sat on my large shell bed.

“He did.”

“And? What’s going on? You do not seem excited at all!” she sang with a frown.

“He said he doesn't like children, Rina. He only wants one or two,” I sang softly.

“So?”

“I deeply desire children,” I clarified, looking at my two nieces. How could he not want such sweet, little babies?

“Oh, as if it goes as planned as all that,” Rina sang with an eye roll.

“You were blessed with six children,” Although my sister was married only five moon cycles earlier, she had given birth three times. Once to triplets, then to one, and again to the beautiful twins asleep in my arms. Many mermaids had twins and other multiple children. Her triplets were three moon cycles old; her third delivery, her twins, had only just been born.

“Yes, and I love each of them.” Her smile was warm as she looked at her two daughters. Even though merlings could be a lot of work, I had seen each and every one of my sisters come into their motherhood, and I understood that the balance was sometimes difficult. They were each a different kind of mother, but I longed for my own chance to see what kind of mother I would be. I could not help but long for such priceless work. It seemed like the work I had been designed for, and I craved it with every single one of my scales.

“Well, once you have one daughter, she will be wrapped around his tail, so he will beg for more. That was how it was with my Dylan.”

“He desires only sons .”

“Well, that isn't something that can be controlled, but Dylan also wanted a son. That's normal, I think, for mermen.”

“It just–it makes me–”

“Oh hush. He is a good merman, Meria. Father approves, and he would not let you pair with someone who wouldn’t treat you right. You asked him to find someone for you. He knows Edmar is right for you.”

“I am not saying he isn’t a good merman,” I sang. I knew I could not say too much. I could not give away my traitor's heart.

Maybe he isn't the right merman for me. Maybe the Creator has someone else out there for me. Someone who wants more than one or two children, someone who maybe elicits some kind of feeling within me when his lips touch mine. Is that too much to ask for? It’s what I want, and I see it is that way for Rina.

“You are surprising me with all this. Well, you love him, don't you?”

“Yes–” I sang, unsure.

“I know you love children. You are a wonderful aunt. You will be a wonderful mother, and I am sure he will agree. Maybe, let him know how much it means to you. In a marriage, there are many compromises you have to make. Maybe, this could be one he makes. Like with the twins, Dylan often cares for them in the mornings so I can attend meetings. But I care for them in the evenings so he can attend his meetings.”

“Yes, I am sure you are right,” I said. Compromise. We could come up with a suitable arrangement. I shifted a bit, and one of the girls woke up, her bright blue eyes alight. Rina looked down at her daughter and reached for her. I reluctantly let her take both babies from my arms, leaving my arms cold without them.

“Anyways, I have to go–but I told Coral I would get her abalone strand back.”

“I can give them to her. I wanted to see the boys later today.” Coral had triplet boys, and while rowdy and always swimming into some kind of trouble, they were so fun.

“Oh, she and the boys are traveling to the red coral today,” Rina said as she swam over to my vanity shell and grabbed the strand with her tail, as her hands were full with children.

“Really?”

“Yes, but Pearl is around.” She swam from my room, turning around to call back, “Love you, sister. All will be well.”

I hoped she was right. Maybe later, I would go find Pearl. She had seven children, all older than Rina’s, but they always had something going on. I looked around my room, and I slumped my shoulders and reclined back onto my bed. As much as I wanted to spend time with my family, there was an ache and a fear that brought me back to my bed, where I remained, trying to silence my traitorous ways and doubts.