Chapter 29

chapter

twenty-nine

Since Sawyer probably wasn’t at work yet, Rylan took time to stop at home before heading to RWCR. Valor was quite disgruntled at not only being left out of the bedroom all night, but also abandoned this morning without his breakfast, and he made sure Rylan knew all about it.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m the worst dog dad ever,” Rylan grumbled, kneeling down to scratch behind Valor’s ears. The dog huffed, turning his head away dramatically. “Oh, come on. Don’t be like that.”

Valor trotted over to the kitchen, picked up his empty bowl, and threw it. When that didn’t get the reaction he wanted, he stared at Rylan with intense brown eyes and stomped a paw.

“Okay, drama queen. You’re hungry. I get it.” He picked up the bowl and fumbled the huge bag of kibble out of the pantry.

As he poured the kibble, Valor’s tail began to wag, his earlier indignation forgotten at the promise of food.

“There you go, buddy. Eat up,” Rylan said, setting the bowl down. Valor dove in, crunching away happily.

Rylan watched him for a moment, then headed to the bathroom for a quick shower. As the hot water cascaded over him, he wished Izzy were here with him, hot and soapy, gasping his name as he worked her with his hands and mouth against the tile wall?—

His cock perked up.

He groaned and leaned his forehead against the cool tile. “Down, boy,” he muttered, both to himself and his overeager appendage. It should be out of commission for at least twelve hours after last night, but he couldn’t seem to think about Izzy now without getting hard. The way she’d looked at him, touched him, whispered his name. The way her body had molded to his—it had felt like coming home after years adrift.

He grinned at the flood of memories.

Actually grinned.

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d done that.

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this… content.

Yeah, they still had to talk about everything. But for the first time, he had hope they’d work things out. He had hope that there was still a future for them.

But first he had to deal with the current clusterfuck of a situation. And he couldn’t do it with a boner.

He turned the water to cold, hissing as it hit his skin, but the icy spray did its job. Clean and decidedly less horny, Rylan stepped out of the shower and toweled off. He caught sight of himself in the mirror and froze in shock.

Jesus.

He looked like hell.

His skin was a mosaic of old scars and new bruises. Dark circles rimmed his bloodshot eyes, and his face looked gaunt, almost haggard. He hadn’t kept up with his rigorous exercise routine and lost muscle mass. His thick, wavy hair was a tangled mess, and his beard had grown past the point of rugged into unkempt territory.

The past few months had clearly taken their toll.

And yet Izzy still wanted him.

“Enough of this shit,” he muttered and reached for the electric razor in the bathroom vanity. He’d let himself go for too long, wallowing in self-pity and anger. It was time to get his shit together.

As of this moment, he was back on the wagon.

He trimmed his beard, but decided against shaving it off completely. He’d liked the way Izzy had dragged her nails through it last night too much to get rid of it. He ran a comb through his hair, feeling more like himself with each swipe. He needed to get a haircut, but that would have to wait.

He studied himself in the mirror again. He couldn’t do anything about the scars or bruises or lost muscle mass right now, but he looked better.

Not great, but better.

More like the Rylan Cross he wanted to be.

Rylan dressed quickly, pulling on a clean pair of jeans and a dark blue henley. He laced up his boots and grabbed his keys, then headed back to the kitchen where Valor was licking his empty bowl.

“Ready to go, buddy?”

Valor’s tail wagged furiously as he trotted to the door, clearly eager to get out of the house.

“All right.” He sucked in a fortifying breath and headed toward the door. ”It’s past time to own up to my sins and do some apologizing.”

Other than Shane and Veronica, he hadn’t seen anyone else from the team since that morning in the hospital. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous and his hand trembled slightly as he reached for the door handle of his truck.

He paused. Valor nudged his leg with a questioning whine.

“I know. I’m stalling. It’s just… I’ve been such an ass lately. What if they don’t want me back?”

Valor tilted his head and rested a paw on Rylan’s leg in a silent, “You got this.”

Rylan chuckled and reached down to scratch behind the dog’s ears. “Yeah, you’re right. Gotta face the music sometime.”

The drive to RWCR headquarters was both too short and agonizingly long. He wasn’t surprised to see all of their vehicles in the lot. With the attorney general targeting Ash, no doubt Zak was rallying the troops for war.

He parked in his usual spot and made himself get out of the truck before he could think twice about it. Of course, Zak, Anna, Donovan, and his wife Sasha were all standing right there inside the door. Sasha had their son propped on her hip, and the sight of the baby had shame burning in his gut. He froze, his hand still on the door handle.

Of everything he’d said that morning, the words he’d hurled at Donovan like daggers were his biggest regret. It had been cruel of him to weaponize the man’s fears about his son and his TBI.

Valor rammed his head into the back of Rylan’s knees, urging him forward.

Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and stepped inside.

The conversation in the room died instantly. Four pairs of eyes locked onto him, expressions ranging from relief—Anna—to wariness—Sasha—to barely concealed anger—Donovan. The silence was deafening, broken only by the faint hum of the heat kicking on.

Zak was the first to speak. “Well, well. Look what the dog dragged in.” His tone was dry, but there was a hint of relief in his eyes. He reached down to ruffle Valor’s ears. “Good boy. You brought the stubborn ass back to us.”

Valor’s tongue flopped out of his mouth in a sloppy doggie grin as he soaked in the praise.

Anna elbowed her husband and offered Rylan a warm smile. “It’s good to see you, Rylan. You look…“ She trailed off and seemed to debate on her next words for a second before settling on, “better.”

“I feel better.” His gaze landed on Donovan, whose jaw was clenched so tight a vein stood out on the side of his shaved head. “Look, I know I’ve been an ass. I said some things… horrible things that I regret. I was angry and hurting, but that’s no excuse. So now I’m here to apologize and to ask for a chance to make things right.”

Donovan’s nostrils flared. “You think you can just waltz in here and everything’s gonna be peachy? After the shit you pulled?”

“Donovan,” Sasha murmured, placing a hand on his arm. “Let’s hear him out.”

Rylan swallowed hard. “No, I don’t expect that. I know I fucked up.”

“I trusted you,” Donovan bit out. “I told you things in confidence and you threw it all in my face in front of everyone.”

Rylan winced. He almost wished Donovan had hauled off and punched him because it would’ve hurt less than the raw pain in the big man’s voice. “I was out of line. the things I said…” He glanced at Zak. “To both of you. It was cruel and unforgivable, so I’m not asking for forgiveness, not yet. I’m just asking for a chance to earn it.”

Donovan stared at him for a long moment, his expression unreadable. Then he sighed, some of the tension bleeding from his shoulders. “No, not unforgivable. But it’s gonna take more than a few pretty words to make this right.”

Rylan nodded, relief swelling in his chest. It was more than he deserved. “I understand. And I’m prepared to do whatever it takes.”

A slow, mean smile spread over Donovan’s rugged face. ”I’m not gonna lie. I contemplated murder.”

“Donovan,” Sasha chided, smacking her husband’s chest.

“It’s okay,” Rylan assured her. “It would have been a justifiable homicide.”

Donovan’s abrupt laugh broke the remaining tension in the room. “Damn right, it would’ve been. But lucky for you, I’m a forgiving man.” He stepped forward and pulled Rylan into a crushing bear hug, slapping his back hard. “I’m not saying we’re good, but… I’m willing to give you a chance to unfuck this situation. Welcome back, brother.”

Rylan returned the embrace, emotion clogging his throat. “Thanks, man. I won’t let you down again.”

“Better not, or Zak’s gonna be helping me dig a grave out in the woods.”

“How’d I get dragged into this?” Zak muttered.

The baby in Sasha’s arms let out a gurgle and reached for Donovan. The big man’s face immediately softened as he took his son, cradling him close. “Hey there, little man.”

Rylan’s throat tightened at the tender scene, a pang of longing piercing his heart. He wanted that— a family, a future, someone to come home to at the end of the day. And he wanted it with Izzy.

He realized Zak was grinning at him, his eyes glinting with mischief. “So. Did you finally pull your head out of your ass or did Valor have to do it for you?”

Rylan huffed a laugh. “A bit of both, I reckon.”

Anna’s smile almost matched her husband’s. “And Izzy?”

Rylan felt his cheeks heat. He rubbed the back of his neck, a sheepish grin tugging at his lips. “We, uh, we talked last night. Hashed some things out.”

Anna’s eyes sparkled knowingly. “Uh-huh. I’ll bet there wasn’t much talking involved.”

Zak barked out a laugh. “From the shade of red he’s turning, I’d say you’re right, baby.”

Rylan flipped them both off good-naturedly. “Y’all are worse than a couple of gossipy church ladies, you know that?”

“Can you blame us? We’ve been watching you two dance around each other for months,” Anna said. “It’s about damn time. I was starting to think I’d have to lock you two in a room together until you sorted things out.“

Rylan snorted. “Like that would’ve ended well.” Though, the idea of being locked in a room with Izzy held a certain appeal... He shook his head. “Anyway, I have some more people to apologize to.”

Zak tilted his head toward the hallway that led to the command center. “Sawyer’s at his desk.”

“Thanks.” With dread roiling in his gut, he strode in that direction.

“Hey, Ry,” Zak called. “We’ve got a crisis on our hands here. We could use you.”

He nodded and had to clear his throat to speak. “You have me.”

Sawyer’s shoulders tightened when Rylan entered. “If you’re here to throw my insecurities in my face again, you can fuck off.” His voice was flat, so unlike his usual cheerful self.

“How’d you know it was me?”

“Your footsteps. Donovan’s are heavy. Zak’s prosthetic leg makes a tapping sound. Pierce’s has a slight scuffing sound, especially when his back is bothering him. Ash marches like he’s on a mission. Shane doesn’t make noise and always startles me. Your steps are... measured, steady.” Sawyer swiveled his chair around, fixing Rylan with his sightless gaze. “So. What do you want?”

Rylan’s chest squeezed. He hated seeing the normally bright, energetic man so subdued. And he hated even more that he was the reason for it. He took a step into the room. “To apologize.”

Sawyer’s jaw clenched. “Go on then.”

“You were only trying to help, and I lashed out at you. It was wrong of me, and I’m sorry. Truly.” The words felt inadequate, but they were all he had.

Sawyer turned back to his computer, and continued typing, his screen reader filling the silence with such fast speech, it sounded like a foreign language. Finally he sighed and his figures stilled on the keyboard. The computer fell silent.

“What you said, it cut deep.”

Guilt gnawed at Rylan’s insides. He’d known exactly what insecurities to target to cause the most damage. “I know. I calculated it to.”

Sawyer let out a humorless laugh. “Well, you succeeded. Hit the bullseye on that one.” He faced Rylan again, his cloudy blue eyes narrowed. “I get that you were hurting, man. But that shit you said… it was cruel. And it made me doubt myself, doubt my place on this team, doubt my relationship with Lucy.”

“Jesus, I was wrong, Sawyer. So fucking wrong. You are an invaluable part of this team. We wouldn’t be half as effective without you and your skills on that computer. And Lucy is madly in love with you. You should never doubt how she feels.“

“It was cruel,” Sawyer repeated. “But you were right.” He scoffed. “Even when you were lashing out, pushing us away, you were still giving good advice. I needed to talk to her. I needed to tell her how I was feeling, how afraid I was that she’d realize being with a blind man is no picnic and leave me.”

Rylan’s chest tightened. Sawyer was too good a man to be plagued by those kinds of doubts. “And did you? Talk to her?”

Sawyer nodded. “That day. I left the hospital and waited until she got home from work. It was… terrifying, but good. I told her everything, all my fears and doubts. And you know what she said? That she loves me, all of me, and nothing will change that. That my blindness doesn’t define me or make me any less in her eyes.”

Relief washed through Rylan. “I’m glad, man. Really. You two are good together.”

“We are,” Sawyer agreed. A small smile played at the corners of his mouth before he sobered. “But I want you to know, what you said... it hurt like hell. I trusted you, considered you a friend. Family, even. And you betrayed that trust. It’s going to take time for me to fully trust you again. But...” He paused, seeming to search for the right words. “I also know you’re a good man, Rylan. One who’s been through hell and back. I understand lashing out, pushing people away. It’s a defense mechanism. I did it, too, after I lost my sight. You were angry, but more than that, I think you were scared.”

Trust Sawyer to see right through him, even without his eyes.

Rylan swallowed past the lump that seemed to have taken up a permanent residence in his throat. “When I woke up and realized where I was, and why I was there… I was scared. I was terrified that I could do something like that to myself.”

Sawyer pointed at him. “And that right there is why I forgive you. Trauma can make us do things we never thought ourselves capable of. But you know what else it can do? Make us stronger. More resilient. Help us grow. You made a mistake, Ry. A big one. But it doesn’t define you unless you let it. What defines you is how you move forward from here.”

Rylan huffed out a laugh. “Jesus. When did you get so wise?”

A grin flashed across Sawyer’s face. “I’ve always been wise. You bastards just never take my advice until after the damage is done.” He turned back to his computer. “Hey, did you see your Terminator arm is going into mass production soon? QuenTech Bionics just inked a deal with Stroud Dynamics to manufacture them.”

Rylan blinked in surprise and moved closer to see one of his screens. “Wait, really? I hadn’t heard.”

“Yeah, man. It’s all over the tech blogs.” Sawyer’s fingers flew over the keyboard, pulling up an article. “They’re calling it a breakthrough in prosthetic technology. ‘Life-changing’ and ‘revolutionary’. And to think, you were one of the first to test it out. You’re like a bionic guinea pig.”

A surprised laugh bubbled out of Rylan. “That’s exactly the legacy I was hoping to leave behind.”

“Hey, there are worse things to be known for. Like, say, being a giant asshole who pushes away everyone who cares about him.”

Rylan winced. “Touché.”

Sawyer grinned, and just like that, everything was okay between them again. Sawyer’s forgiveness lifted a weight from his shoulders. He knew he still had a long way to go to rebuild the trust he’d shattered, but this was a start. He clapped a hand on Sawyer’s shoulder. “Thanks, man. For everything. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m grateful for it.”

Sawyer patted his hand. “You’re family, Ry. We don’t give up on family.” Footsteps and voices sounded in hall and Sawyer’s grin returned. “And now, it’s time to defend our family. You heard about Ash?”

“Yeah, I was with him when he found out about the investigation.”

“It’s bullshit.”

“We all know it.” Rylan studied the screens, which showed Sawyer was already deep into researching a connection between AG Parker Julian Graves. “Find anything that can help us?”

“Unfortunately, no,” Sawyer muttered as the rest of the team filed in. Rylan noticed Pierce kept his distance. Not that he blamed the man. Pierce was next on his apology grand tour, but it was going to have to wait.

“Parker’s record is clean—on paper, at least,” Sawyer continued. “There’s no connection to Graves or Monica. No suspicious payments, no ties to any shady organizations... well, other than he used to be golf buddies with the corrupt former sheriff. Ash thought there was a connection there, but I can’t find anything. Either Parker’s really good at being corrupt or he’s just an ambitious politician with a grudge.”

“So this is just about smearing Ash?” Zak asked. “That’s it?”

“Looks like it,” Sawyer said. “He’s always hated Ash, and he’s just using this mess to his advantage. Nothing illegal about that, as much as it sucks.”

Zak groaned and scrubbed his hands over his face. “So we’ve still got nothing. Fuck.”