Chapter 8

May watched Evander pull food from his packs, and tried to control her blush. She felt like a proper buffoon, standing there in his too-large trousers and shirt, but they were warm and dry and all she had. Not for the first time since the rain had begun, she wished she’d taken Ilyssa and Kira up on their offers of waterproof bags and extra clothing. Both women had tried to offer her supplies for the road, but she’d refused, and now she regretted it.

She’d been sure she’d be home before she needed anything like spare clothing, and there’d been very few signs of a storm coming, so she’d talked herself out of even agreeing to a weather-proof cloak. She hadn’t wanted to be put further into their debt, or cause any greater inconvenience. She should have realized that something like this might happen.

Evander came back with the food and handed her some meat, bread and cheese before settling down across the fire from her. They ate in silence for a few moments, but the air was too thick with the weight of memories and regrets for her to maintain the silence. “Ye’ve changed a lot since we were young – ye’ve certainly grown intae those long arms and legs o’ yers.”

“Aye. Most boys dae, or so I’m told.” Evander nodded. “I started training with Alec, Bran and Dunn, and between that and the patrolling, I’m kept well in shape.”

“Dae ye dae a lot o’ patrolling then?”

“A fair amount.”

She paused, eyeing the tattoos that dotted his arms and abdomen. “I didnae recall that ye were so fond o’ tattoos.”

Evander shrugged. “’Tis a record o’ me time as the clan’s war leader. I take a mark fer every life I’ve claimed in battle. ‘Tis a way o’ kenning fer meself what me duties have led me tae. If ever I get tae the point where I’ve nae room fer more marks, then I’ll ken I’ve been a warrior too long, or our clan’s seen tae much conflict. Hoping it doesnae come tae that, of course.”

A mark for every life... and Evander carried a number of tattoos. More than she would have thought the easy-going boy of her memories would ever earn. But she had no time to dwell on the matter, for Evander offered up a question of his own. “What o’ ye? I didnae catch why ye were running from Scot... and if ye mentioned a betrothed or a husband in yer letters home, Alec and Bran didnae tell me.”

“I didnae. I never married. I never…” She swallowed. “Scot MacDonell wanted tae force me intae marrying him, but I refused him, and then he kidnapped me. He was away seeking a priest tae bind me tae him against me will when I escaped and fled tae Mackintosh Castle.”

“Och, I see. But surely ye’ve a man ye’re interested in. And plenty who are interested in ye.”

There had been men who’d expressed an interest in a casual relationship, if she wished it, and one or two among her aunt’s household and the neighboring lands who’d offered courtship. She’d never accepted, though she was hardly going to tell him that, much less why she’d refused them. “I’ve nae had much time tae be interested in a lad. Me braither and I were in hiding fer much o’ the time. ‘Twas a wonder tae me that Killian managed tae find a lass and court her, as close as we were watched fer danger.”

“Then I’m surprised ye were kidnapped at all, if that’s the way o’ it.”

She grimaced at the fire. “When Killian came home tae be wed and take up the full duties o’ being the heir, I begged Faither tae let me come back as well. I felt like I’d been exiled, and I was fair tired o’ it, especially since I kent I could help the clan, if only by maintaining the running o’ the keep while Killian and Faither were off fighting.”

“It doesnae seem tae have worked out as ye hoped.”

“Nay.” She sighed.

Silence fell again, and May gathered her courage. Now that they were speaking, there was one question she needed to ask him, though she knew Evander was unlikely to take it well. Even so, she couldn’t stand not knowing the answer.

“Evander…” She paused. “There something I’ve wanted tae ask ye since I saw ye again, but I dinnae think ye’ll like the question. Will ye please answer it anyway, honestly?”

“If I can.” His voice was low, and she knew she’d put him on guard.

She took a deep breath, and spoke the words she’d waited ten years to say. “Why did ye give up on us and what we had, so easily?”

Evander stared at her as if she’d grown a second head and started breathing fire at him. “What?”

“Why did ye give up on us?” She repeated the question.

Evander’s face twisted into a snarl as he rose to his feet. “What the devil are ye talking about, woman?”

May rose as well, refusing to let him tower over her, as if she was a misbehaving child, when he was the one who’d never answered her. “Ye never wrote me... or anything…”

Evander stalked closer in agitation. “I never kent where ye were!”

She blinked at him. “But most o’ the clan kent we were staying with me faither’s sister. Ye should have kent it…” It was on the tip of her tongue to remind him of the letter, but he interrupted her before she could say the words.

“And how would I? Ye didnae say ye were going anywhere when last I saw ye, and never sent me word from yer aunt’s home after? I didnae receive anything after yer faither sent the messenger back saying he needed tae concentrate on the feud and nae on a betrothal.”

Evander’s expression was full of fury, but his voice cracked just a little on the last sentence, and May paused. Underneath the anger, she thought she could see real pain flaring in Evander’s eyes.

She couldn’t dare to hope. She stepped closer, to better read his expression. “But the letter…”

“I never had any sign that ye ever read any o’ the letters I sent ye.” His voice was harsh, bitter, as he looked down at her from his greater height. “Certain sure, I never received any reply tae anything I wrote.”

He’d written her letters? But she’d told him not to do so, especially if he wasn’t going to come for her. It was some encouragement that he’d not turned away from their relationship entirely, but even so, why hadn’t he heeded her words? Surely, he could have managed at least a short journey to meet her. And why had he said he didn’t know where she was? She’d written very clearly that she was going to be staying with Ava’s mother.

She paused. “I never received any letters from ye. But I was talking o’ the letter I sent tae ye, right afore me braither and I were sent away.”

“There was nae letter given tae our messenger when he returned, and I certainly never saw any other.” His voice was sharp. “Unless ye’re saying the messenger lost a letter from ye, or yer own runner got lost trying tae reach Mackintosh Castle?”

“I cannae see either happening. Messengers wouldnae lose valuable documents. And I cannae see me faither letting anyone save yer messenger or... what’s wrong?” Evander had gone pale and stiffened at her words.

“What’s yer faither tae dae with any letter between me and ye?” Evander stepped closer, close enough for her to feel his breath on her face. His voice was low, tight with more than anger and hurt as he spoke.

She blinked up at him, confused by the sudden shift in topic, and his demeanor. “’Twas me faither I gave the letter tae. He was determined tae see us off before Clan MacDonell could get word that we were being sent away. He swore he’d see it safe.”

“He might have seen it safe, but he never saw it safe tae me.” Evander’s voice crackled with rage, and his fists were both clenched in anger against his knees.

May stared at him. Her father had promised her. Evander couldn’t be saying what she thought he was. “Ye cannae be saying me faither didnae give the letter tae ye, or at least send it off tae Clan Mackintosh?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

May glared at him. “’Tis nae funny tae accuse me faither o’ such things. He’s clan leader, and an honorable man. I dinnae ken why ye didnae get the letter, but…”

“I went tae yer faither.” The words stopped her anger in his tracks as surely as a fever stopped by cold water. “When I didnae hear from ye, I went tae see him, fer I thought there was something wrong that ye didnae writ. I wanted tae assure me ye were safe, at the least.”

“And he told ye…”

“He told me that ye’d gone without protest tae yer aunt’s but that ye left nay message for me, o’ any kind. That ye’d decided tae make a clean break o’ it, because ye felt what we had was a summer’s fancy, or a childish attachment, and ye didnae want tae pursue it any further.”

She wanted to say something, to argue the point, but he kept speaking. “I didnae ken where ye were, and I couldnae go around asking, fer fear o’ being thought a spy for MacDonell, or a danger tae ye. So, I wrote letters tae ye. Much as I’m nae a fan o’ such things, I wrote them. But always tae ye, through care o’ yer faither, the Laird MacPherson.” His blazing green eyes met hers. “And here ye are, saying ye never heard from me.”

“I... aye, ‘tis true…”

“And ye never thought twice o’ it, or wondered why?” His voice was sharp with anger, disbelief, and a good deal of hurt.

She swallowed hard. “I... me letter... I asked ye tae come fer me, if ye felt ye loved me enough tae risk bringing yer clan intae a feud. And I said, if ye didnae think ye could do so, tae nae write me back, fer I didnae want tae read yer rejection or refusal in a letter.”

“A dozen things could have happened tae that letter, including the fact that I never received it, and ye decided from the silence o’ that one missive that I didnae love ye?” His words bit like the dagger that had grazed her during her escape.

“I didnae ken ye never received it! When I gave it tae me faither... he promised…”

“It doesnae matter. ‘Twas a promise he never kept, so far as I ken. And I dinnae think he ever intended tae, if his words tae me were any indication.”

“Then…” It hurt to hope, to think other than what she had thought, but she had to ask. “Did ye…”

“I tried tae get some word tae ye fer the better part o’ a year afore I even started tae accept that ye were gone and I couldnae reach ye. I had tae accept yer faither’s word as truth, fer I’d nay way tae disprove it. Even so, I rode the bounds between our lands hundreds o’ times, hoping ye’d come back and I’d happen across ye.”

He’d looked for her. He’d tried to get word to her. And somehow, all his attempts had been thwarted, just as her letter had gone astray. She lowered her head, her cheeks burning. “I feel like an utter fool. I should have tried harder.”

“Aye. And mayhap I should have as well…” Evander shook his head, and all the rage and hurt seemed to drain out of him. He stepped back, putting some distance between them. “But it doesnae matter.”

If he’d physically struck her, she wouldn’t have been more shocked. “Doesnae matter? But…”

“Ten years have passed. And I’m betrothed tae another woman. ‘Tis good tae ken that the breach between us wasnae one either o’ us chose, but that’s all it can matter.”

He turned away and busied himself with laying out their sleeping arrangements. May sat still and tried not to feel the sharp stab of pain in her heart.

For so long, she’d thought Evander didn’t love her, at least not enough to try to come for her, or be with her. Now she knew she’d been wrong, that she’d made so many foolish assumptions, only for him to pull away in truth.

He’d promised himself to another, believing that she’d left him behind long ago, and he was too honorable to break that promise. She couldn’t hate him for that, but it hurt to know that her own foolishness was the greater part of the reason she’d lost him to Enna.

A chill wracked her body, and she shivered in spite of the fire. His clothing was warmer than the wet garments she’d worn, but with night falling and the rain still coming down, it was getting cold, and there was only one blanket that was dry enough to not chill them further.

She couldn’t complain, not when she was the one who hadn’t thought to be prepared, but another shiver wracked her frame as she lay down as close to the fire as she could manage. She wrapped her arms and the extra folds of cloth around her, trying to gather some warmth.

A huff of air, and then the blanket was dropped on top of her, and warm arms folded themselves around her. “I cannae have ye freezing in the night. Rest, May, and we’ll finish the journey in the morning.”

Gradually, the heat of his larger frame surrounding hers relaxed her, and May fell into a restless sleep.

Evander woke to the feel of May in his arms and the vague idea that something had happened outside the cave. Gradually, the last vestiges of sleep cleared from his mind, and he took stock of the situation.

The rain had stopped, and the air was clear, the light of the full moon creating an eerie glow as it sparkled on the damp surfaces outside. The fire was burned down to sullen, barely flickering embers, and gave off scarcely enough warmth to be noticed. Underneath the blanket, however, he was warm enough, especially with May clasped in his arms.

Whatever had woken him hadn’t disturbed her, at least not enough to fully wake her. Instead, she made a sleepy sound and turned in his arms, so that her chest was pressed against his, one leg nudging a rather sensitive part of his body.

Which, he realized, was stiffened with arousal. Evander grimaced and tried to will the erection to subside, but having May in his arms had been too much a part of his fantasies and dreams over the years, and his body showed no sign of listening to him.

Gently, he loosened his arms and tried to slide back from her, so he could tend to the problem without disturbing her, or embarrassing himself.

Instead of freeing her to continue sleeping, however, the movement caused May to open her eyes and blink sleepily at him. “Evander…”

Caught, he could only lay there as she awoke more fully. He knew the precise moment she registered what was pressing against her thigh, because her eyes flew wide open, and her cheeks flushed so deeply that he could see it even in the dim light of the coals, and feel the heat on his chest. “Evander…”

Her voice failed her, and he had to grin in spite of the awkwardness of the situation. Then he realized that his amusement was doing nothing to quell his arousal. In fact it seemed to be making it worse, and her more nervous.

With a muttered oath, he jerked back, just as she apparently had the same thought. Both of them had temporarily forgotten the tangle of limbs and blanket, to say nothing of her borrowed and overlarge clothing. Fabric trapped their arms, causing her to flail wildly to get free.

For one moment, he thought she was going to roll into the coals, and dragged her back, only to let loose another muffled curse as she nearly unmanned him with a knee. “Och... just let me…”

Their arms came free, the worse of the offending cloth pushed aside, and both of them scrambled for the cave walls, away from the fire and each other. Only when they were both a good three feet apart, each wrapped in enough cloth to be sure of modesty, did they stop.

Evander stared at her, startled by the strength of her reaction. Surely, she was no inexperienced maiden? And yet, she still looked flushed and flustered, as if she was shocked by what she’d touched. “Are ye all right?”

May’s blush deepened, but she managed to scoot a little closer to the fire, and to him, once again. “I was just... I wasnae expecting... I’ve never…”

“I ken ye’ve never been around me in that state, but ye’re…” He coughed and tried to phrase his words a little more gently. “...there’s many a lass who’s married at yer age. Surely ye’ve been with a man afore?”

She glared at him, and he raised a hand in surrender and amended his statement. “I didnae mean... I’m nae trying tae imply ye’ve done anything that might put ye in difficulty when ye marry when ye find the right man, but surely ye’ve taken a lover? And some pleasure in a man, even if ye’ve never done everything.”

Even Catreena, with four brothers and a watchful father, hadn’t been completely ignorant before she’d wed. A maiden before her husband, aye, but not completely innocent.

May looked away, her expression an odd mix of defiant and embarrassed. “I…” The words trailed off into a mumble, and Evander scooted closer to hear her.

“Ye what?”

May looked at him through her unbound hair. “Truth, I’ve never done more than kiss a lad... and nae even that since ye.”

He felt as if he’d been hit by lightning. Or a mace to the chest. “Ye... ye never…”

She blushed, and looked up at him with an expression that had an odd mix of defiance and embarrassment. “I never did. There was never a lad I felt any interest in, after I thought ye’d decided ye didnae love me.”

It was hard to breathe and hard to think. His heart ached, and the desire to take her in his arms and kiss her was almost irresistible. It didn’t help at all that she seemed to lean closer, as if inviting his kiss.

He was on the verge of surrendering to his desire, and hers, when another sound came from outside the cave, and this time, he recognized it.

Someone was coming.