Chapter 5

Cindy

Straight after Monday's meeting

The meeting is more than a blur. And yes, Andrea and I shared a note or two in our notepads. She kindly alerted my attention that Tyler was staring at me.

The whole meeting was a Tyler glance-fest, and I can't say I minded.

His gaze, while usually steely, today it was something else. I even saw the edges of his mouth turn up, as though he was enjoying something. I know he has a nice smile, even if I haven't seen it very often.

When he finally released his focus on me, I could feel the pink in my cheeks, hopefully disguised by makeup. His dark eyes are the most penetrating I've ever seen on a man; intense and dark, causing my pulse to quicken, my mouth turning dry, and causing a throb in my panties.

He shouldn't be able to do that from one look. He isn't even smiling.

But he seemed friendly enough this morning, even though I spilled the dregs of my cold coffee all over his team jersey right before the meeting. He had obviously changed shirts when he came in. I noticed he now wore a Hawks polo instead. It clinged to his biceps, accentuating how ripped he is. He's quite lean in stature, but has broad shoulders and a wall of muscle to his chest.

One thing is for sure, Andrea might just be correct in her Mr. Tall, Dark and Dangerous theory. He's so damned sexy.

Neither she or Simon can stop talking about it when the meeting wraps up and I reluctantly have to return to my desk.

"Do not even attempt to convince me Tyler bad boy Peterson isn't giving you something on the sly!" Simon chortles in a hushed whisper as we make our way back up the hall. The players have all, unfortunately, walked off in the other direction and I can't see Tyler over a sea of other heads, anyway.

"I don't know what you're talking about," I say.

"Seriously!" He tuts. "I saw you and Andrea note passing by the way."

"Very juvenile of us," I concede.

Andrea laughs. "Who cares? It's not like I could shout it out while the GM was talking."

"That's true. But you can't deny nothing is going on." Simon gives me a friendly nudge.

We get back to our office and Simon sidles inside the doorway, clearly not done here.

"Honestly, nothing is going on. I ran into him this morning chasing you down the hall," I remind them. "I friggin spilled my cold coffee on him."

Andrea and Simon both fall about laughing.

"And he still makes eyes at you like that," she sighs, fanning herself.

I shake my head. "No, he's not interested in me like that. The guys know I'm Clive Carter's daughter. They feel like they have to be nice or something."

"Pfffft!" Simon shakes his head, slapping his leg with his hand. "That's a good one!"

I give him a look.

"Tell us you don't have the slightest hots for him, and we'll drop it," Andrea says, folding her arms across her chest. I wonder how she got so bossy in the last five minutes.

My mouth moves, but I realize after a second or two of them both staring at me, no words form. "Umm?—"

"Just as I thought," Simon says, triumphant. "You should go for him, Cinders."

I laugh a little, not at what he said, but the way he calls me ‘Cinders' all the time.

"You're out of your minds, both of you."

"Why not? You said he was cute!" Andrea shrugs. "If I had any chance in the world, I'd jump on it, or rather, on him!"

They both cackle again, and I try to hush them.

"Oh, I would so jump him too," Simon says, running his hand through his floppy hair and wiping his glasses on his shirt before putting them back on. "You need to have some fun, girlfriend."

"That's what I keep telling her." Andrea rolls her eyes.

"What makes you think I don't?"

They both giggle like schoolgirls again.

"Fine, I get that I don't get out that much. But there's Henry." I shrug.

"Don't use him as an excuse!" Andrea chastises.

I'm talking about my one-year-old little black French bulldog. I stay in with him quite a lot. Once a week I might meet up with the girls, have a drink or grab a bite to eat.

"He is a pretty cute excuse, but still." Simon gives me a look. "You could be all snuggled up together if you gave it a chance."

Urgh. They've noticed I haven't been on the dating scene, too.

I don't really know what it is or why I'm this way. Well, I sort of do.

But I'm not one for wanting to drag my past along with me into the future. My upbringing alone has been difficult in places. Especially after the whole Damon debacle.

My mom's response to it still shocks me to the core. It seemed like Damon couldn't do anything wrong in her eyes, even boning Jessica Plath practically in front of me.

The whole thing left an imprint, one I don't wish to dwell on. When you've had your life mapped out for you from a young age, and you've grown up with the boy you thought you were meant to be with, it sure rips you to pieces to find out it meant nothing to him.

I've shied away from opening my heart ever since. Sure, I've moved on from it, but the sting remains. That kind of betrayal at such a young age isn't something you just get over. The whole thing got even messier as time went on.

When he finally realized I wasn't going to take him back, he had the gall to ask me if he could see other people until I decided enough time had passed for us to get back together. He was still under some illusion, probably hosted by his parents, since Sheila and Graeme were avid church goers who thought their little angel couldn't do any wrong. That we were still going to make it.

I couldn't imagine anything worse than taking him back. It still sickens me.

To top everything off, months later he started seeing Jessica again, and they didn't even hide the fact anymore. His parents swept it under the carpet, and her parents weren't much better, burying their heads in the sand.

A few months later, my dad came home and announced his new job opportunity in Seattle.

I was so damned happy to be leaving. To get away from the mess and start somewhere fresh was like music to my ears. Even if it was at the back end of my senior high school year, I didn't care.

And while I've dated over the years here and there, nothing became serious.

I've only ever been with one guy, and that wasn't until college. His name was Joel, and we dated for a year. He ended up wanting to move closer to his parents because he was homesick at the time. I thought things were pretty serious, but when it came to the crunch, there was no mention of me going with him. And a part of me knew things were fizzling out.

Since then I haven't met anyone I've had a connection with.

I guess a part of me still nurses the wounds over Damon, even if it's long in the past. It's not like I ever wanted to get back with him, but the hurt remains when I think of it from time to time.

I'd known him my whole life, and he was set to be my husband. But look how that went.

And while I don't like to tar all men with the same brush, it was a heavy shock to the system, and one I've struggled with.

I crave to have closeness with a partner. I've wanted it for a long time now.

And I know unless I put myself out there, it's not going to happen.

I'm like a closed book when it comes to men. Being attacked on campus sure didn't help matters in the trust department.

But lately, since I've noticed Tyler, my body has been humming to its own silky rhythm. It's like I have no control over it. I could feel how wet he made me just from that sexy, dark look of his. I love how he looks a little on the dangerous side, and the tattoos. It's all a total turn on.

While I'm not very experienced in anything sexual, I do have a magic bullet for reprieve. Something I was embarrassed about even contemplating a couple of years back, but one day Susie, Emmerson and I all went into Barbarella's as a joke, sort of. They both slipped a hot pink rechargeable bullet through the check out for me.

That's the only orgasm I've ever known. Pretty sad, really, but it is what it is.

I'm not ashamed of it. I just didn't think at twenty-seven it would be like this. And if I do meet Mr. Wonderful, how the heck am I going to explain my lack of know-how.

Most guys want a girl with experience, right?

"So, are you going to give it a chance?" Andrea gives me a nudge, knocking me out of my daydream.

"It's early days," I say, waving it off, walking back to my desk. "I'll gauge it. If he shows more interest, then maybe."

"You hot dog!" Simon claps his hands together. "I bet he's packing a big stiffy under that uniform for you."

"All ready for you," Andrea chortles.

I try to ignore them and pull my glasses down from the top of my head and flop down into my chair. All this Tyler talk is getting me hot under the collar. But maybe they have a point. Not about his big stiffy, but dating in general.

It's definitely time.

"You two better stop it," I warn. "Or there will be no Friday night margaritas this week."

"Oooh!" Simon grins, rubbing his palms together. "We should definitely get together after work to discuss all this, and your strategy moving forward."

Hopefully, I've come up with something for them by then.

"She says that now, but then she'll make up some excuse, like she's washing her hair and Henry wants a long belly rub."

Even I have to giggle at that one. "You two are too much."

"Friday after work." Simon points at me like he means business. "We all have a date."

"Can't wait." I smile, tilting my head on the side sweetly.

* * *

The past…

Nothing seemed to get resolved when Damon came over that night after the sermon. In fact, things were horrible. It was embarrassing enough having to face this whole thing just with Damon, but with our entire families involved, I just wanted to shrivel up and die.

At least he looked like was regretting it, so I supposed that was something.

I still hadn't had my moment with him, to tell him how I really felt, but I knew it was coming. A storm was brewing, and it was going to be unleashed any time soon.

At one point I left the room because I couldn't take any more while our parents ‘figured it out'. More like how they were going to broach this with Jessica's parents and get the church involved. It's a tight-knit community, so I only hoped beyond hope this wasn't going to spread around.

Besides myself, the person I felt sorry for was my dad. He was always trying to make everything better, and the only one who saw it for what it was.

Not just making excuses like my mom did. "The devil got to him, it happens," she would say. "Once he gets it out of his system, he'll come back."

I didn't want him back! Why wasn't she listening?

If he could do this to me now, then what was he going to do later on?

And why didn't he ask me to have sex with him? Would I have? Probably.

I damned glad we didn't now. Though, I will never know if it would have made a difference, or if I would still be in this mess now.

I sat out on the porch while our folks nutted out how they would broach everything.

I heard the door close, and I looked up to see Damon standing there.

The same boy I'd loved forever. And I was only just realizing how young we still were.

We're we stupid to think we could carry this on and wait for marriage and we'd both live happily ever after?

I guess I didn't know any better. And neither did he.

The thing that got to me was they were both our rules to keep our clothes on. Even when we got way too close, dry humping each other over our clothes, and he'd rub my nipples through my clothes, we could have easily let it go further. But he always wanted to wait for our wedding night.

That's the part that bugged me the most.

A few days later, I got to speak my mind…

"Hey," he says, leaning back against the archway.

I don't bother looking up at him, but I hear him take a deep sigh.

"It's getting intense in there," he continues.

"Can you really blame them, Damon?" My voice is hard and full of fire, and it seems to surprise him. Is he serious?

"Look, I fucked up, I get it."

I stare at him, shocked. I've never heard him use that kind of language.

"Damon!" I chastise.

"What? I'm already going to hell, aren't I?"

I sigh and look down at the ground. "That isn't for me to decide."

"I really didn't mean for it to be like this. Temptation got the better of me, like your mom said, the devil and all of that."

"You're listening to my mom now?"

He sighs again.

I snap my head up and stare at him. "Why her, Damon? Why didn't you just ask me?"

"Because I want you to be my wife, Cindy. I still do, if you could only see."

"See what?" I throw my arms up in the air, exasperated. "See that you get to experiment behind my back while I stay a virgin until our wedding night?"

"Would you have had sex with me if I'd asked?"

"We'll never know that now, will we?" I mutter.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. I wasn't thinking. I got so tempted, Cindy. The whole time I wanted it to be you, I really did."

I think back to Jessica's voluptuous body, her large breasts and full mouth.

Everything I'm not.

I'm not attractive enough, that's what it is. He's just not saying it.

"You should have talked to me," I say, wiping away silent tears I refuse to let drop in front of him. "We could have worked this out. Instead, I get to see your ass in the breeze pumping Jessica Plath — by the way," I pause, "was that the first time?"

I hadn't even considered that until now.

"Yeah, it was," he says, looking me directly in the eyes. For once, he seems to be telling the truth. "It was a spur of the moment. We'd both had a few swigs of bourbon on the sly while we got some snack prepping done for Pastor Dan's party."

"Yeah, you prepped more than the snacks," I mumble. "And don't blame alcohol. You looked fully sober to me."

He sighs, folding his arms across his chest.

"There's nothing more to say anyway," I tell him. "Please, just leave me alone."

"I won't give up on us," he says.

I hold my head in my hands, feeling like it might explode. "Then why do it!" I yelp, pulling at my hair. "So, you don't even care about Jessica now, after having sex with her? What's she supposed to do?" Not that I care about that, but where's she in all of this? She and I need to have a serious chat.

"I do care. But she's not my girlfriend. I told you, we had a sneaky swipe of bourbon, and she had a low cut top on. We bumped into each other, and one thing led to another. I just wanted a little taste test, Cindy. I couldn't stop myself. I thought it would be okay if it were with someone else. I didn't want to taint you like that."

"Ha, taint me! But it was apparently okay to do that to Jessica?"

Yeah, he got more than a taste. If getting an eyeful while he thrusted in and out of her was anything to go by.

The whole scene still makes me queasy.

"I'm not your girlfriend anymore. You have to understand, it's over."

He stares at me, his face red and sweaty.

I don't understand what he isn't getting.

"But our families!" He declares, like that's the answer to everything.

"You should have thought about that. I don't want to marry you, Damon. It's never going to happen now."

He stands with his hands on his hips. "I‘ll make it up to you," he pleads. "Just give me time."

He"s only saying it because both of us have been indoctrinated from a young age to believe that we are supposed to be together, as per our parents" wishes.

I doubt my dad does after all of this.

But I've seen the light, and I realized now that people aren't who they say they are, no matter how long you've known them.

"I think you should go home," I say, exasperated. "I really don't want to talk about this anymore." I stand up from the porch seat and walk to the front door.

"Cindy, you can't do this, please!"

I turn to him over my shoulder as I clutch the doorknob in my hands. A part of me still loves him. Maybe I always will because of all the memories and the way we grew up as best friends. But this betrayal runs deep, he will understand soon enough.

"You did this," I spout, giving him a pointed look. "Goodbye, Damon."

And I walk back in the house, slamming the door in his startled face…

* * *

"Why don't you meet us for drinks on Friday?" I ask Caitlin when I call her that night when I get home from walking Henry.

He sits snuggled up with me on the couch while I reheat a TV tray in the microwave.

I don't normally eat that kind of food, but tonight I'm beat and can't be bothered cooking.

"I wish I could, but Liam and I have dinner reservations. I'll see you Sunday though for lunch."

Yes, that's right, we're meeting up with Mom at Houston's when I'd much rather have a Seattle Dog and watch a movie with Henry. I admit, I have been a recluse as of late. Though I have been going to some of the home games with the team. I love watching the game and the roar of the stadium.

I occasionally travel with them. That's when Caitlin looks after Henry and he loves it because she dotes on him like he's a child. Much like me in that respect.

"Can't wait. I hope Mom is in a better mood this time."

"Tell me about it."

Caitlin has always been the one who's gone against the rules and done her own thing. She's always stood up to Mom, as soon as she was old enough to make her own decisions, anyway. I've always struggled in that department. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the daughter she wanted because the struggle between us has always been intense.

"Dad wants to have a family get together when the season is over," I say. "It's been a while." Not that my mom would be there. It's been a long time since they've been in the same room together. I don't think they're about to start now.

"Sounds good. We haven't seen him in a while. At least he seemed to like Liam the last time they met."

"Maybe Dad's softening in his old age." I laugh. But some things don't change.

While he abandoned the church a while back, he's still the protective, doting Dad he always was.

"Chance would be a fine thing." She laughs, too. "See you Sunday."