5. ~Killian~

5

~Killian~

She hadn’t responded to any of my texts.

Well, except for the one thanking me.

That thank you text hadn’t been enough. Or what I’d wanted.

I hadn’t done that for her to get appreciation in return, I’d done it to try to make her feel better, to give her some semblance of comfort. But it had fallen short. Because she hadn’t given me much choice. I’d wanted to be there for her. And I’d needed to see her, to see if she was really okay after what had happened. She’d nearly fucking died, for shit’s sake. On the drive back, she’d closed her eyes, but I knew she hadn’t been asleep. She’d been right against me, I’d heard her wildly thumping heartbeat, indicating she hadn’t just been awake, but majorly on edge, still shaken by what had gone down.

She’d been putting on a brave face because, even though we’d been making a retreat at the time and speeding away from battle, we’d still been out in the field. Not to mention, Asher and Jonah being there. She didn’t like to drop her guard around them. She wanted them only to see her badass side, the hard outer shell. It was an obvious defense mechanism. And more than that, maybe she believed they wouldn’t respect her if she showed them anything beneath, any softer, more human side of herself. But with me she could show me that. When I’d come over to her place after she’d been stabbed, I’d basically walked in on it. And because I’d already seen it, the cat was kind of out of the bag already, so she’d been more comfortable showing it to me going forward—at least in little spurts here and there.

Jonah had filled me in on what had happened after I’d taken off to get Olivia and the intel to a secure location. As if the fact she’d almost died hanging off that bridge hadn’t been bad enough, something had gone down in that basement beforehand where Asher had put her when she’d been in shock after the whole Olivia-looking-the-spitting-image-of-her-mother thing. Something that had ended in her emerging soaked in blood. The Heretics’, not hers. That wasn’t exactly the kind of thing you could simply shrug off, that you could be unaffected by. But she hadn’t said a word about it. It would’ve been easier to get it out of her the night of, before denial set in and a shitload of walls went shooting up.

But now that opportunity had passed on by.

And every moment that continued on was just cementing the cone of silence regarding what had happened, what she’d done. If she thought she could swallow this down, compartmentalize it, or anything along those lines, she had another thing coming.

The longer she bottled it up, the harder she tried to bury it, the more the toxicity would spread and grow in potency.

Fuck.

This morning had been a strange one.

Nothing had followed its usual routine.

Nothing and no one.

Aurora hadn’t come out of her room with a burst of energy at her usual six a.m. and then bounced through the house toward the home gym to carry out her daily workout.

And the oddities this morning hadn’t even ended there.

Asher hadn’t been up and about at the crack of dawn either. Even with him being injured—something he’d only made worse by putting more strain on his arm by insisting on driving us out of that battle zone—it was still unheard of that he wouldn’t be up, that he’d actually slept in. That shit just didn’t happen with him.

When I’d headed downstairs, I hadn’t smelled the appetizing scent of some kind of gourmet breakfast emanating through the house, as was the usual custom. Jonah hadn’t been in the kitchen at all.

I was usually the last one up, dragging my ass onto one of the stools up at the kitchen island for breakfast while the two of them were already nearly done. Well, lately, that had included Aurora too.

Instead of wasting my time texting each one of them, I’d gone to Bryce. After a few words and him trying to skillfully evade the questions that were at the forefront of my mind about last night, he’d pointed me in the direction of Asher’s room.

As I neared it, I frowned at the sight of the door being ajar.

More oddities to add to the already heaping pile.

Ash always locked his door.

I reached it and peered inside.

My breath caught in my throat when it wasn’t him I first laid eyes on.

There, sound asleep in his bed, was none other than Aurora.

Her blonde hair, a striking contrast to his dark sheets, fanned out over the pillow that one of her cheeks was smushed against. The covers were pulled up to her chin. Actually, it looked like Asher had tucked her in. His side was bare, the entire duvet encompassing her, forming somewhat of a cocoon around her. That psychopath had thought to do that? What the—

She’d come here last night. She’d come to him last night.

That wasn’t good.

While I was working on my jealousy issues and I was becoming much more accepting of sharing her with him and Jonah, this was different. This wasn’t possessiveness or anything like that. This wasn’t fucking petty. It was really fucking worrying.

She’d touched darkness in that basement and she’d come to him.

This was fucking dangerous.

Something on his pillow caught my eye.

Before I could stop myself, I let curiosity lead the way, and I moved silently up to the bed.

Aurora was dead asleep, not stirring in the slightest even as I got right up close to the other side of the bed.

I recognized Asher’s handwriting scrawled across the folded manilla paper, her name on it.

I opened it and read a whole slew of surprising words from him.

Sweetheart,

Last night was a lot. Take your time. Absolutely no rush today.

When you’re ready to get up, there are some special salts in my bathroom. Use them. They’ll soothe the soreness—in your aching muscles. And your sweet cunt.

Send a text and Jonah will make you whatever your desire for breakfast.

Thank you for staying. And “fucking my black soul to oblivion” as you so eloquently put it.

Yours,

Asher.

I screwed up my face as I put the note back where I’d found it.

Even when he was trying to be what could almost be called sweet, he couldn’t commit to it all the way. He couldn’t allow that level of vulnerability. He couldn’t allow himself to be exposed like that.

Whispers jolted me and had me swinging my head to the far left of the expansive room at the ensuite bathroom. The most luxurious bathroom in the house. Of course.

The door was ajar, a soft light coming from beneath.

I headed over there, Asher and Jonah’s voices becoming distinguishable as I drew closer.

They were so involved with their whisper-yelling discussion—or more like a spat—that neither of them picked up on my presence as I opened the door wider and leaned against the frame watching them.

Jonah was easing Ash’s arm back into the sling, the latter’s hair still dripping wet from an obvious recent shower.

Prostrating himself in front of his beloved Sire as usual.

I rolled my eyes. Right on cue, J. Right on fucking cue.

“I advised you not to take a shower first thing, leave it a couple of days, yeah?”

“I’m not an uncivilized brute,” Ash answered with utter disgust.

“Well, fuck, I’m not gonna lie, you smell damned good.” Jonah breathed him in. “That sandalwood. Mmm,” he uttered on a groan as he helped him button one of his designer black shirts. “That fresh clean scent and that one that’s all you.” He nipped at his jaw. “So fucking edible.”

Asher batted his hands from his shirt. “I’ve got it.”

“You don’t need to have it. I’m here.”

“And yet.”

I was surprised as fuck when Ash actually registered Jonah’s dejectedness. Even more so when he reached out and cupped his face. “I know you’re here. You always are. That doesn’t go unnoticed.”

Jonah smiled. “I’m glad.”

“Very good.”

“Look, I know you’re kind of pissed that I dosed you last night. You get why I did it, though, right?”

“I do.” That almost-tenderness was gone in a second, that flash of darkness flaring in Asher’s eyes. His soft grip on Jonah’s cheek tightened to painful pressure. “But don’t you ever take it upon yourself to determine what’s best for me without consult again. Don’t circumvent my authority or my will.”

Jonah was a mix of worried and turned on as he gazed back at him. “Got it, Sire.”

“Well, isn’t this a fucked-up version of cozy?” I finally spoke.

Jonah’s gaze snapped to mine.

Ash barely reacted, obviously having actually sensed me beforehand after all. He drew his hand from Jonah and looked out at me.

“Are you two gonna fuck now?”

“He’s hurt,” Jonah said.

“True, but one-handed isn’t actually a problem for him.” I eyed Asher. “Is it, Ash? I mean, you proved that last night, right?”

“Kill,” Jonah warned, shooting me a look to shut the fuck up.

Not my style.

“Although, did you go as hard as you usually do? Nah, I don’t think so. Let her fuck you, did you? I guess getting down and dirty with J is out then if you had to go that route, because you couldn’t let him top you. Just Aurora, right? Letting her fuck your black soul out of your body, or whatever?”

If looks could slaughter, I’d definitely be a mess of writhing flesh and bones right about now.

Good.I wanted him to have a reaction.

It was a step in the right direction of him actually recognizing what was going on here, what he was doing. Although he was overly self-aware in so many areas, this… intimacy like he was clearly developing with Aurora… feelings, didn’t qualify. They never had and until she’d come into the picture, I’d never thought they would.

The faster he acknowledged it, the faster he could process it.

Because I needed to be there for it before this war went any deeper, so I could contain the fallout while we still had time to deal with it.

Right now he was in the early stages, the high stage of something new, enamoring and all-consuming. Once that wore off and reality collided with it, he’d start seeing it as a weakness or something just as self-destructive. That sabotaging thing with him only came into play where emotions and relationships were concerned. Jonah was an example of that. When they’d had too many fuck sessions, he’d started to care for him, beyond our friendship dynamic—which was a lot for him to begin with—and Asher had pulled back, and it had taken Jonah a long time to get over the hurt because he’d already fallen for him. He’d never admit it because he knew Asher wouldn’t like it. But it had been all over him. Hell, it still was.

Jonah was a hardass, though, and he’d been trained since an early age to roll with the worst hits known to man. He’d bounced back. I didn’t want Aurora suffering through the same thing. Not because I didn’t think she was a hardass in her own right, but because she shouldn’t have to face that bullshit in the first place.

Andif he pulled that, it would push her away from me and J too.

Nah, I wasn’t having that.

“Invasion of privacy is becoming a habit for you, Killian,” Asher spoke in that dangerous tone, sauntering up to me, taking his sweet time and drawing out the intimidation.

Even with his arm in a sling and him being beat up, he could somehow still pull it off.

“I prefer to think of it as a necessity,” I bit back.

“Hmm, reading that note, perhaps. At least from your perspective. However, the rest doesn’t quite fit into that category.”

“What do you think you know this time?” I responded in a bored tone.

“Think? That’s foolish.”

“To believe you’re not all-knowing?”

“Correct.”

“Give me a break.”

He glared at me.

I glared back.

“Jesus,” Jonah grunted. “I’m gonna leave you two to… whatever this is, while I get breakfast going.” As he slipped between us, he grasped Asher’s good shoulder and one of mine. “Just don’t take it the physical route.” He looked at me. “Asher’s already hurt.” His gaze slid to Ash. “And Kill’s still recovering from Samuel’s wrath.” With a squeeze to both of our shoulders, he sighed, then took off, tiptoeing through the bedroom so as not to wake Aurora.

I moved to speak, but Asher held up his hand and gestured through the open door and pressed a finger to his lips. I nodded my understanding, then followed him out of the bathroom, through the bedroom, and out into the corridor. He shut the door behind him, then walked halfway down the corridor, before turning to face me.

As he attended to the last two buttons that needed doing up on his shirt, he said, “Your jealousy is showing again, Killian. Apparently, we haven’t moved beyond this stage when it comes to Aurora after all.”

“I couldn’t care less that she rode your dick last night. She needed to blow off some steam. She needed comfort too, although her opting to go to you for that is beyond me, but it is what it is.” As he watched me intently, I added, “Besides, fucking is just about the release for you, right? Just sensation, not emotion. You’re just overjoyed that there’s somebody who can take you all the way, outside of Jonah.”

The corner of his mouth turned up. “Hmm, I see.”

“Being who—and what—you are, you couldn’t possibly,” I bit back.

That all-knowing, omnipotent shit of his got on my nerves at the best of times, never mind when I was arguing with him. It added a whole other level of aggravation.

He flinched.

The unflappable Asher Monroe, the great and almighty God, was actually affected by my words. He’d always been so secure, and even proud, of what he was. A stone-cold puppet master who traded on the dark side and was able to go the distance with that twisted and merciless side of him, to become an unrestrained beast in order to bend the world to his will, and to call on the full breadth of the monster within him to make it so.

But now, being called on that clearly bothered him.

Yeah, he didn’t like it one bit. So much so that he couldn’t hide it.

He took a step toward me, the menace in it clear. “You asked me what I thought I knew earlier. And you’re always so insistent on being given the answers you seek, so let me tell you without any preamble. Reading my written note meant for her, the robe and slippers, the stuffed toy, stalking her the night she was with Jonah at Fusion and wanting to swoop in and play her white knight, following at her heels every chance you get… you call it affection and care, but really it’s crossed the line into you becoming a little bitch for her.”

I really had struck a nerve. Asher didn’t lash out. Not so directly, nor in an obvious way. Yet, here he was wading in the mud, slinging it right at me.

“Then again, that’s how it started off, isn’t it? With her literally having you by the dick.”

I sneered and somehow managed to keep on track, telling him real calm and collectedly, “Her coming to you for comfort is dangerous. You indulging it is beyond that.”

“I told you I believe you can survive this. But you won’t come out of it unscathed. It’ll drag you into the dark. It’s already in you to begin with. Jonah’s got a feel for all of that and he’s never wrong. He saw it in you. It wants out. And the thing with this place, with us, is it’ll feed off that, drag it out of you, and it won’t stop until it’s all that you are,” he recited.

I started. “Those are my words.”

“Yes, I’m well aware. To Aurora.”

“You weren’t there when that conversation took place. In fact, as I found out later you were fully immersed in dominating Jonah at that time.”

“And yet.”

“So, you’re not only tapping my phone, you’re going way beyond that.”

“I already told you that I’m monitoring you closely.”

“You didn’t have Bryce or one of his guys watching, I would’ve felt that. Hell knows, you spent long enough ramming those lessons down my throat.”

“It was necessary. Spotting a tail, evading it, knowing who’s within your immediate surroundings… it’s a vital skill to cultivate in our world. And you didn’t recognize it at the time, it merely bored you. When you’re bored, the outcome is reflected in poor results. Hence, it taking so ridiculously long to teach you.”

“Nice try at redirecting, but that’s not happening this time. You had… what… parabolic microphones or something? The security cameras don’t have sound.”

“Something like that. It doesn’t matter.”

“Like fuck it doesn’t.”

“That’s a shame.”

“What is?”

“You were doing such a great job of staying on track—for once. You didn’t even rise to my aggression. Yet, the moment you feel threatened, the cooler-heads-prevail approach flies right out the window. Every fucking time, Killian.”

Piece of—I slammed my hand into his chest.

He was clearly still medicated because it knocked him back against the opposite wall of the corridor and he had to throw his good hand out to get his balance.

His eyes flashed.

But before he could do shit about it, I took advantage of his weakened state and used it for all it was worth, grabbing him by the scruff of his shirt and jerking him to me, forcing him to really hear and feel me as I growled, “If you comforted her by telling her that it was okay to do what she did to those Heretics in that basement, it will normalize it. It will push her off the edge she’s currently teetering on, push her down the wrong fucking side. You might think that’s what you want because she’ll fall straight to you, immerse herself in the darkest of the dark right along with you. It won’t work like that. She’s got a spark in her still. It’s a part of her. If you snuff it out, she won’t be her anymore. That balance is what makes her who she is, the woman we’ve all come to love being a part of us here.” My hand fisted in his shirt shook with my fervor as I drove it home to him. “And you know, Ash, you fucking well know that there’s no going back once you succumb to it, once you give yourself over to that darkness all the way.”

All sadistic amusement and that haughty know-it-all bullshit of his vanished, and then he was telling me in an even tone, “If I’d condemned what she’d done, it would have worsened the situation.”

“What?”

He grasped my hand on his shirt. Not painfully as I’d expected, but firmly, radiating his urgency as he explained, “We’re starting a war. If I, of all people, had condemned her for calling on that beast side she has, she’d second guess that part of her. She’d likely try to bury it at a time when we need everything in our collective arsenals to survive what’s coming. I told her a few days ago that we can’t be on the fence, that our conviction needs to be steady, that we need to be sure in ourselves and what we’re fighting for so the Head Infidels don’t prey on any insecurities. You know they will. You’ve lived it. We all have.”

“I get that, but encouraging it is going beyond that and—”

“That’s not my intent.”

“What about all your talk of wanting her to meet you on your level?”

“The part of her that trades on the dark side, yes.”

I frowned. “You don’t want her succumbing totally then?”

“Like you said, that wouldn’t be her.”

“She’d be a shadow, Ash.”

He dropped his hand from mine. “She’d become me.”

The shock of it, the actual pain in his eyes, the unsteadiness of his voice as he’d spoken the words, had me releasing him and taking a step back.

I scrubbed my hand over my face and took a beat. “Look, who and what you are is what’s kept our heads above water all these years. So, it has its upside.”

“One of us had to become this,” he said, pushing off the wall.

“You’re saying you did it for us?”

“I’m saying that it takes a monster to destroy a monster. If I hadn’t understood that as quickly as I had when we were younger and then made the necessary adjustments, Carson, Samuel and Reed would’ve run right over the three of us long ago.”

“Necessary adjustments being you stripping away your humanity?”

He lifted his good shoulder. “A small price to pay for survival.”

“Jesus Christ, Ash.”

“Are we done here?”

It was less of a question, more of a demand, that shutdown persona coming back now.

Next would come his commanding, king of the manor schtick.

“No.”

“No?” he asked, eyes narrowing.

“Why did you hit back at my father?”

“You needed me to.”

“And that’s it?”

“The situation had become unsustainable.”

“And?”

“And what? Protecting you isn’t enough of a reason?”

“Not with you, no.”

A dry laugh escaped him. “You really don’t think a lot of me these days, do you?”

“There’s always another angle with you. While I know you want us protected and you won’t stand for us being attacked, especially not the way you walked in on my father doing it to me in that locker room, you still wouldn’t deliver such a harsh blow like that just to accomplish that. You could’ve walked in and talked him down, then left it at that. But you took it a lot further.”

“Like I said, the situation had become unsustainable. Not just for you, though.” He discreetly fingered his beaded bracelet. “It was time to destabilize things, to knock the Head Infidels off-kilter. To distract them also. And to remind them who they were dealing with in me.”

“Got it,” I gritted out.

He was there in the next second, moving faster than I would’ve thought possible in his compromised state, his thumb and forefinger gripping my jaw. His other fingers stroked my skin with that deceptively soft touch of his that usually meant a lesson was coming. “Did you need it to be solely about you, sweetheart?”

“It wasn’t, so it is what it is.”

“If I make a move solely off emotion, I’ll miss key things, I’ll be unable to discern the bigger picture. Something I’m sure even you with your short-sightedness can even understand would cause our fall not only from our position here in Hexwood, but in the eyes of our fathers.”

“What about Aurora?”

“What about her?”

“Your decision to claim her as ours?”

“Under the banner of the unsustainable issue.”

“Because it was getting under my skin, causing me to react in what you’d deem unfavorable ways?”

“More than that. Do you really think Sam came down there completely of his own volition?”

“What are you—”

“It was a test, Killian. My father was involved, likely behind it. Carson is fixated on Aurora, remember? Sam showing up was escalation. If I’d left it, they would’ve either continued tormenting her for Carson’s amusement, or he would’ve come for her and taken her as his. Now she’s ours, there’s a barrier. He knows she’s under my protection. For him to make another move concerning her, he’ll have to openly challenge me. And that means upsetting the balance of power in the bigger picture of the Infidels. It means risking losing me as his heir. So now he’s regrouping, preparing no doubt to come at us. But it buys us the time necessary to do what we have planned first, so it won’t come to that.” He squeezed my jaw, making me grunt. “Do you understand now? Or do you need me to break it down into smaller pieces for you to digest?”

“I understand fine,” I gritted out. “Let go.”

He sneered. “You’re fucking lucky this is all you’re getting after you slammed me up against the wall.”

“I’m sure J will be more than happy to soothe you and restore your wounded pride. That ego of yours will reach even greater heights, I bet.”

His eyes flashed and I braced myself.

But then nothing came.

That spark of dangerous flame snuffed out.

“You’re provoking me intentionally.”

Before I could respond, he released me and stepped back. “Trying to strike a chord when you accused me of twisting Aurora into becoming a monster like me, calling back to the fact that I had to become that against my will. Then challenging me because you know that gets under my skin. And now continuing to push.” His eyes narrowed. “All of this coming when you know I’m compromised by injury and those meds.”

“Clearly not that compromised. Although, it did take you longer than usual to clue in.”

He snarled and shoved me back into the wall. “Cut the bullshit.”

“It’s not fun being the puppet, is it, Ash?”

His hand shifted to my throat, squeezing hard enough to make it a struggle to draw in a full, unencumbered breath. “Last chance.”

“Why did you really call a retreat out there last night?”

He loosened his grip a little. “You were there, you saw the situation for yourself.”

“I did. Jonah was still in fighting shape. I’d just arrived on scene too. Aurora was shaken, but not down. You’ve fought before in way worse condition. We could’ve handled a second wave. And then there’s the fact that we have the intel and you haven’t even looked at it yet.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not clear headed at present.”

“That wouldn’t have stopped you normally.”

“Like I’ve said too many times to count now, there can’t be any mistakes with this.”

“You know something.”

“I know a lot of somethings, Killian.”

“Asher.”

He released me and moved away again. “We all need a day or two to decompress. Last night was just the moldy cherry on top of the fucked-up decaying sundae we’ve been dealing with the last few months. We clear our heads, then we review the intel and strategize.”

Before I could move to protest, sounds from inside his bedroom had us both stilling.

“Sweet cunt? Seriously?” Aurora’s voice came from within.

“I knew she wouldn’t be happy about that line,” I said, shaking my head at him.

He tossed me a withering look, and then he was darting back inside the bedroom.

It closed behind him, then the lock re-engaged.

Shutting me out.

Once again.

Didn’t mean I was going to drop all of this.

It was just a timeout.

Plus, me coming at him today and raising all these issues and questions, pushing him, would force him to take notice and to reconsider the way he was doing things.

Namely, keeping too many things to himself.

He was falling back into bad habits.

“We’re in this together. We protect each other. That’s where the loyalty begins and ends.”

I was gonna make damn sure he lived up to that.

For all our sakes.