Chapter Four

Ilet Niko go home once he dropped me off, still a bit stunned and certainly shaken by Subira's phone call. I didn't think she was threatening us, but I knew a warning when I heard one.

"Wow. Okay. What now?" I didn't want Heath to find me sitting on the couch or in my office alone. I knew Carey was doing her own thing and didn't want to be bothered. For her, the pack meetings were now a chance for her to be alone, and I wasn't going to take that away from her. It wasn't her responsibility to make sure I wasn't lonely or bored.

I didn't head inside. With all the werewolves at the weekly pack meeting, I decided to walk the trails around my house instead, opting to spend some time alone with my thoughts. Once I entered the trees, my mood shifted quickly. Something about being out with my trees in my little piece of forest made me comfortable.

"It's only Monday," I said to myself, running my hand over bushes and branches as I walked. "Can't believe Niko kept where he was living a secret for long and hasn't been looking for a territory… He won't be able to stay secret forever. If he wants to be in Dirk's life, I'll need to talk to him about the BSA. They're going to figure out he's not human, and it would be better if he spoke to them before they go to him. I should have brought that up today, but I'll invite him for a proper meeting about the official stuff tomorrow."

There was so much I had neglected over the last month and a half, which was frustrating, considering I had also been pretty busy over the last few weeks.

"Tomorrow. I'm going to enjoy this walk right now and think about everything else tomorrow," I decided.

I tried to quiet every intrusive thought as I trudged through the forest in tennis shoes, jeans, and a t-shirt. The only thing that protected my arms from getting whipped by the vegetation was my jacket, but it was hot to wear in June. It wasn't appropriate nature walk clothing, but it didn't slow me down. I walked until I reached a stream, then found a rock to sit on. Enjoying the quiet, I reached into the inner pocket and pulled out Fenris's letter, rereading it a couple of times.

I must have lost track of time as my eyes adjusted, and the sun started to fall. I didn't move, though. I felt all the werewolves leave their meeting and only paid a tiny portion of my attention to what they were doing. Heath went back to our home. Dirk and Landon went with him, but Landon broke off. The others went home, to work, or to hang out with friends. A couple went to an open bar in town.

It was Landon who kept me somewhat mindful because he entered the woods as well. I tucked the letter away as I felt him getting close.

"Hey, Landon," I called out, knowing he was only twenty feet behind me without having to turn around.

"Hey, Jacky. I caught your scent and told Pa I would come out to check on you. You know, your favorite person to hike around the forest with and all that."

With a snort, I looked over my shoulder. He was closer, and I hadn't heard his footsteps. I didn't need to hear him, thanks to my territorial magic, but it was interesting to notice this evening.

"How are you?" I asked him before scooting over to offer him a spot on my rock. He didn't say anything as he hopped up and took a seat next to me, the golden sky peeking through the trees over us.

"Good," he finally answered, stretching out his legs and leaning back on his hands. "You?"

"Better," I said, hoping it was an honest answer. "How was the meeting?" I didn't want to be the topic of conversation.

He was quiet for longer than I expected. It was a long enough silence that I bumped him with my elbow because I knew he'd heard me.

"They're leaning on me," he finally said softly, his expression becoming unreadable. His scent told me too little, or maybe it was too much. There was a tangle of different emotions that I recognized but didn't understand in the context. I wasn't sure why he was confused, for example. He was uncomfortable, and I wasn't sure if it was from my question or the situation he was talking about.

"Um… you're the second in the pack. Of course they do," I said, frowning as I kept trying to put together the puzzle pieces he was providing me.

"I mean physically. They're leaning on me physically." He rubbed his head, almost as if he was frustrated, but I was still lost.

"You're going to have to explain, Landon. I've been around werewolves a lot, but clearly, I'm still missing something here." I was trying to sound kind, but I really needed to have more context.

"You wouldn't notice it, huh?" He gave me an off smile. "The lower-ranking werewolves are physically leaning on me. I guess it's not very obvious. They'll hover near strong werewolves they trust. Their bodies will tilt toward them, almost like…" He trailed off, looking around, then pointed at a small green sprout. "Like a small plant toward the light," he finished.

"No, I never noticed that, actually." If I had, I certainly wouldn't have noticed the importance.

"It's really subtle. Most werewolves don't notice it, either. I don't even think Pa notices it when they do it to him. Normally, people see strong werewolves or in situations where we're trying to suppress instincts to behave in front of everyone. When we're all really mindful of how we look, like work or school. But in relaxed environments, the weaker and younger werewolves will do it. It happens more often and more noticeably when things happen, like a… a death."

"And you've noticed them doing it to you because you notice everything. Is that a… bad thing?" One thing I realized was that this was probably a conversation he should have been having with Heath, but I wasn't going to send him away. I just needed him to lead me to the actual problem. Or not-problem.

"It's a new thing," he whispered, and that's when it clicked into place for me.

He's never had them lean to him before because of what he is…

"Oh. Landon, they trust you to protect them. That's… I know you're not good with the pack structure like other werewolves, and if it makes you uncomfortable, just tell them. I'm certain they're all mature people and will understand."

"They're leaning on me because of you," he said, not looking at me anymore, as though he couldn't bring himself to.

Oh.

"Since we told them about Fenris, one or two of them have hovered a little closer at every meeting. Today, I caught one of them leaning on me and stepped away. An hour later, another was doing it, and I couldn't move because we were talking to Pa about this pack house idea."

"Landon…"

Anger and frustration flooded over his other emotions.

"I have no problem with the contact. Well, I do, but I can get over that. They need it, and I can offer it. It doesn't hurt me. It pisses me off that they think I'm going to protect them from you," he said, growling softly as he slammed a hand down on the rock. "But I don't want to scare them with how mad that idea makes me, so I've been avoiding even thinking about it."

"I wouldn't hurt them," I said softly, sinking a little at the very thought. "I would never?—"

"I know that," he snarled at me. "That's why it pisses me off. They don't trust you? Are they serious? All because you did what had to be done…" He shook his hand, the movement full of venting anger.

"Have you talked to Heath about this?" I asked in a small voice.

"I'm going to, but I don't know the solution to this. I don't think he knows a rational way to fix this, either."

"Yeah…" I sighed, pulling my knees up to my chin. Landon was still stretched out, and now I was curled into a ball. "I'll work something out."

"No, no, you won't. This isn't your problem to fix, Jacky." Landon waved a finger at me, a mimic of what Carey had started recently. "It's my problem. It's my problem for not being a strong enough werewolf to kill him myself, which is my duty to the pack."

"How do you know it's even about me?" I asked finally, trying to step back and look at the situation differently. I didn't want to think that they were scared of me, and my killing Fenris wasn't the only thing that happened recently. "Maybe they're just finally getting to know you, a newly mated male who's doting and loving with his mate. They might respect that and see that level of trust between you and Dirk, therefore find you more… approachable to find that sort of comfort and security."

"Sometimes, you pull stuff out of your ass with such ease, I'm stunned by your talent for it," he said, snorting as I had earlier. "There's a joke in there somewhere about how you should have been born a?—"

"Don't finish that," I ordered quickly, knowing where he was going with it. "And you know, it's gotten me out of a lot of problems."

"It helps that half the time, you're right. Or close enough to it. Even if you were always wrong, though, being able to think fast is an essential life skill in our world."

"Exactly. So, maybe it's seeing you and Dirk. Maybe it's not me."

"That… could be it," he conceded. "I'll give them the benefit of your doubt."

"Thank you. Oh, and you said you could get over how you don't like being leaned on like that… You don't have to get over it, Landon. You can establish that boundary. There are plenty of strong werewolves in the pack they can lean on. It doesn't have to be you."

"Only a werecat would say that to a werewolf," he said, chuckling. "It's one thing for the weaker wolves not to want to lean on me, but now that they've started to hover a lot…"

"You feel like you have to let them, even if it makes you uncomfortable," I finished for him, seeing how he trailed off.

"Pretty much."

I didn't need a strong nose to figure out he was dealing with some complicated feelings about the situation.

"I don't think I'm the one who can help you with this, Landon," I said, feeling bad that I had to be honest about that. "Talk to Heath. He'll at least relate more than I can."

"That's why I'm telling you. It's not the right word for it, but you're an outsider in the sense of a werewolf pack. You have a different perspective. That's not a bad thing." Landon finally sat up, and I let go of my legs, stretching them out beside his. "Can I ask you about something else?"

"Uh, sure?"

"It's been on my mind for a while, and we haven't really had a moment alone in weeks, at least not one where I felt safe asking about it… I've been thinking about what you did while we were fighting with Fenris. Rainer, actually." He gave me an odd look.

"I think we should head back," I said quickly, beginning to move. I had to go. I had been avoiding this conversation. While we were still in Germany, it hadn't crossed my mind that he had seen me do that. We had been focused on survival. It was only days later that Landon mentioned something that made me remember what he would have seen in the Black Forest.

He grabbed my arm and kept me there, unable to get off the rock. His eyes locked with mine.

"It wasn't the first time, was it?" he asked as I was frozen in place by the strength of his grip and the intensity of his stare.

"No, it wasn't," I confirmed softly, relaxing, making it clear I wouldn't run. He let me go and sighed.

"Do you know how dangerous it is? How impossible most moon cursed find doing that?"

"Yes." I knew he would want more than simple answers, but they were all I could summon.

"How? Why?"

"Fenris could do it," I said lamely, knowing it wasn't what he wanted to hear. His soft growl only reinforced that.

"He was mad," he finally hissed at me. "Insane. You know that. He was a split fucking personality, a false identity for a hiding werewolf who held a grudge that nearly killed us."

"I was… I was desperate. It just happened. I was in control, and I needed the strength. I needed the claws."

"You are playing with fire," he growled. "You will get burned."

"You haven't told anyone, have you?" If he did, there were going to be a lot of questions from a lot of people. Heath would be in a terrible position as well, engaged to a werecat who was flirting with losing herself to the curse entirely.

"No!" Landon said quickly, grabbing both my shoulders. "Of course not! Are you insane? I'm not going to be the person who unleashes the information that makes my father consider putting a silver bullet between the eyes of the woman he's in love with!"

I must have turned pale or something as that reality was thrown in my face because his face collapsed, and guilt filled the air around us.

"I'm sorry. That was harsh. Pa wouldn't do it unless you were already too far gone, but the seed would be planted. I don't want to do that to either of you. I just want to make sure you know what you were risking that night. I want a promise you won't do that again."

"I promise," I said without even considering if I could keep it.

"Thank you." He released me slowly. "None of this works without you, and if we lose you to that… I don't want to see all of this lost, you know? I don't want to lose you, not just for Pa's sake, but mine and Dirk's and Carey's. Don't think I've forgotten how you threw yourself between Hasan and us."

"It was nothing."

"Bullshit. I can name all the people who have ever done something like that for me on one hand, and only one of them ever faced that level of danger in the process other than you. So, I'm going to look out for you, damn it. You can't stop me."

"Only if I'm allowed to keep looking out for you."

"Obviously. That's what family does, right?" Landon smiled, and the tension finally left again. "How does it feel when you…?" He made a claw hand.

"Powerful," I answered, looking at the darkening forest. It was getting very late now. There was only a dim glow in the sky now, and soon, we'd be in the dark. "It's painful, too, but the Change always is." I flexed my hands, looking at them and thinking about what I'd made them do. Landon's hand suddenly covered one of mine.

"It was just us, and I wasn't going to let him kill you. I didn't want to die either, so I embraced it. I had first seen it from him, and when we fought the witches, there was a bit of a struggle between me and one of them that led me to do it accidentally. Since then… I just remember that feeling of doing it the first time and…" I closed my hands into fists, resisting a little to go down the path and show him now. He was worried, and showing it off was just throwing his worry back in his face.

All he did was put his free arm around my shoulders and hold my hand with his.

"And that's what makes you great, Jacky. You're willing to fight like hell for people you care about and what you believe in. Just don't lose yourself in the process. We need you. Believe me." Then he broke all that contact and moved to slide off the rock.

"Let's head back. It's getting dark. Dirk probably wants to head home. What he wants is more important to me than you are." He flashed me a smile.

There's the Landon I know.

"Yeah, let's go." I hopped off and walked beside him back toward the house.

"Why were you out here?" he asked as we found the little game trail I had used to get to the rock.

"Just taking a walk, enjoying nature, thinking about stuff. Then I decided to stop thinking and just enjoy the alone time. I don't get as much alone time in nature anymore. Even now, I can smell werewolf on the trail. Not just you, but all the pack. It feels less private, but I take what I can get. I can at least tell when there are actually werewolves around, so that helps me try to claim that feeling of being truly alone yet safe because I'm in my territory."

I was grateful for his nod of understanding. If there was anyone in the werewolves who appreciated being alone sometimes, it was Landon. We both had our issues. Mine were burned into my brain from my Change into a werecat, and his were from how the people he should have trusted treated him. It didn't matter that they were wildly different circumstances; it only mattered that we each understood the need.