29. DAMIAN

Chapter twenty-nine

DAMIAN

F eeling bewildered and torn, I questioned my choices. Why had I left Aurelia? Why couldn't I kill her?

Everything was different this time–especially since the stakes were high. Saving the girl from the fire made me feel a deep internal discomfort, as if mold had grown within me, signaling that what I was doing was wrong. The girl I saved reminded me too much of Sebastia, with the reflection of fire in her eyes, the heat of her skin, and the scorched pain on her face.

Clutching Sebastia's silver locket, a symbol of moving on in our culture, I realized she was ready to meet the gatekeeper of Ezu 1 while I was attempting to bring her back. The selfishness within me became clear; I wanted to revive her for my beliefs, despite her readiness to leave.

I remembered a crisp Tas 2 night when we were underneath a tattered blanket, watching the Celestials glimmer on the beach, twinkling, and racing across the sky.

"I wonder what it would be like," she said, her warm chocolate skin glistening from the moon's faint light.

"About what?" I asked, pulling her warm body closer to my own, the coconut smell of the soap she used to wash her hair sinking into my senses.

"Meeting the gatekeeper of Ezu, being among the Celestials."

"Are you sure you won't be meeting the gatekeeper of Haxnau 3 ?" I joked, my fingers playing with her dark curly hair. Her bright sea-blue eyes still reflected the Celestials above.

She chuckled, tightening her arm wrapped over my chest. "No, but I mean, how special would that be? To live your life to the fullest, and then to be sung to the gates of Ezu, knowing that your life was completed, that it had been accepted by the gatekeeper, being presented past the gates. Seeing those you loved waiting for you. Even centuries prior." There was a sigh that escaped her mouth. Her eyes gleamed with tears. Not knowing how to respond, my body became stiff, the only sound after her sentence being the waves crashing to the shore. "You don't think so?" she asked, noticing my silence.

"I believe that it's a beautiful concept," I acknowledged, not wanting to tell her that I wasn't sure about my beliefs, whether in the gods or the afterlife, and not wanting to disappoint her. We sat in silence, watching each glisten and movement of the Celestials above.

I realized the selfishness found deep within me. I wanted to bring her back for me and myself only. When she was prepared to leave and accept her place within the Celestials, who was I to take away her beliefs–to force something upon her that she never wanted?

My fingers found the locket beneath the fabrics of my clothes. I thumbed over the engraved "S" on the front, thinking of Sebastia. This locket was a symbol of her moving on, of her letting go of her life and reaching the gatekeeper of Ezu , yet this locket became a symbol to me of sadness, grief, and hatred.

I ripped the chain that was held around my neck, holding the broken necklace in my hands. Sebastia wouldn't have wanted this. Sebastia wouldn't have wanted her memories to be dulled with hatred for the gods and a deepening sadness within me.

Sebastia wouldn't have wanted me to end up in the shadows like I had, sitting between life and death. She would want me to find the liveliness within life.

Sebastia would not want this. I finally understood. Signs from the gatekeeper of Ezu prevented me from harming Aurelia. If I had died, Sebastia wouldn't have taken a life for me. I couldn't tarnish Sebastia's memory with my darkened actions.

I couldn't bring myself to kill or turn in Aurelia. Sebastia's kindness pierced me, making me question my actions.

Emotions swirled within me, unsure of Sebastia's desires but certain of my own needs. Killing Aurelia to bring back Sebastia became an idea I couldn't entertain.

Aurelia.

Why did I feel the need to save her? Saving her reminded me of the value of life, and I could still do something for her.

The dwindling Celestials above seemed to convey a message from Sebastia, telling me of what I had to do. Thoughts of Aurelia flooded my senses, and I realized I missed her. What was I doing?

I was supposed to hurt her– kill her .

Instead she made me feel alive.

I hadn't felt alive in a long time. Ever since Sebastia had been gone, I felt like my whole world had stopped. Everything felt heavy and dark. I stopped enjoying life and felt stuck between the living and the dead. There were dark shadows dwelling within me. I wanted to end my own life to meet Sebastia at the gates of Ezu . However, I feared I was heading in the direction of the gates of Haxnau instead.

She made my world spin again. The hatred started to disappear, and the acceptance of Sebastia and her death wrapped around my mind. It was as if she was saying, "Let me go. You have a part in a new legacy." I thought of Aurelia, and her reason for her quest. Her kingdom was relying on her, in more ways than I may have known. If she became queen, she would shape the future for something better and greater.

But it wasn't just about her legacy.

A small tingling feeling in my stomach was leading me toward her, toward a better future. Her smile, her button nose and the way that she chased her dreams. No matter what, even when the entire world had been against her. Aurelia was unequivocally herself, and I needed her in my life. I needed her to help my life to be worth living.

The memories of us flying through the air, the way she grabbed my hand, the comfort of her smile, the way she had saved my life–might I say–multiple times.

I was stupid for leaving her–for letting her go by herself. What if something happened to her? I couldn't let something happen to her.

Killing was almost second nature to me at this point, but for some reason, the thought of killing her made me feel as though I would be shattering a new part inside of myself that I wasn't ready to let go. I would not turn her into Tybalt. I couldn't.

As I made my way back to the Forbidden Forest, my thoughts focused solely on Aurelia. Why couldn't I stay with her, even to bring Sebastia back to life through Aurelia's connection with old magic?

A small tingle in my stomach led me toward Aurelia. Memories of our time together flooded my mind. I felt stupid for leaving her, for letting her go alone. What if something happened to her?

Glancing up at the moon's presence, it reminded me of the warning from the librarian. " There's a fisherman's town on the edge of Evler… There, they kidnap Scalebornes. They will sell their golden blood or sell them whole. They're the heart of the Scaleborne trade."

Aurelia was heading there, and I didn't warn her.

I couldn't save Sebastia, but I hoped there was still time to save Aurelia.

With determination, I sprinted from the Forbidden Forest, promising to save Aurelia. As if she could hear my words, I whispered, "I am coming for you, Aurelia."

1. Ezu (Eh-ooh): Heaven

2. Tastameii (Taws-taw-mee): Normally Summer (Tas for short)

3. Haxnau (Hah-nah-woo): Hell