Chapter Thirty-Four

Knox

So I was on another date with Rina. We’d gone out a few times since the big decision was made— my big decision—and it wasn’t bad. We kept things casual, neither of us wanting to jump into anything.

And I wasn’t looking to woo her. We already knew each other, we’d dated before, we’d slept together before, there was no mystery between us. Just lost time. This was entirely an exploratory mission for us to see if something could be there again.

There was definitely something easy about Rina. There were no real complications where she was concerned. Our shared history, while it made for no mystery, made it that way. Unfortunately, there was still no real spark for me. Sure, we had a relatively decent time together when we did go out, but that was it.

Perhaps it was because with Rina it always felt like I was being judged. My possible promotion seemed to be very important to her, perhaps too important, certainly more so than it was to me. That was still up in the air, though, because there were several more fashion weeks I was supposed to attend this year, and the deals I’d sign from them were the biggest deciding factors.

Besides that, we didn’t dwell too much on my own life or career as hers always took center stage in our conversations.

Walking through Central Park with Rina, I pushed all those thoughts aside and turned my attention back to our date.

“I haven’t done this in a long time,” I confessed as we continued walking. The last time I’d walked through the park was probably when we’d first moved to the city.

Rina had liked coming out here. So today it had felt like as good a place as any for our date.

She looked down at our hands on the sides of us. “I want to hold your hand,” she said, looking up at me as though waiting for my permission. It was the first time she’d verbalized such a desire.

In all our time together this time around, we’d never been physical. We’d always stayed in our lanes, our hands never even brushing. No urges to touch her, hold her. No kisses. Nothing.

I felt bad, it shouldn’t have been this way, but if I was being honest, as easy as things could be with Rina, they were also awkward. Like this moment where she’d had to say she wanted to hold my hand.

Not that I let any of that stop me from giving her what she wanted. I forewent addressing her comment and took her hand in mine, lacing our fingers together.

“Much better.” She smiled.

I didn’t share the sentiment, but didn’t pull back, either.

We went minutes without talking until finally I broke the silence. “Are you going to London for Men’s Spring/Summer?”

She gasped. “Why, of course! I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Are you going to go to all of them?”

“Absolutely! Stefan,” she paused. “You remember my mentor, right?”

I nodded.

She went on, saying, “He’d always told me to attend all the fashion weeks so that I could get a better idea of the industry and the competition. Also, trends”—she held up a finger—“those are important to see firsthand.”

I nodded. “I didn’t know you were doing men’s clothing. Do you see all of the other designers as competition?”

She tucked a lock of her red hair behind her ear and shook my hand that was holding hers. “Do you mind if we stop holding hands? I thought I liked this, but yours are slightly calloused like you work outdoors all day, and the texture is driving me up a wall.”

I cocked a brow, but dropped her hand as she wanted, decidedly ignoring the new judgment I was getting from her. Not sure what to do with my hands, I thrusted them in my pockets. I hated to admit it, but it was like I couldn’t win for losing with her.

“What we were talking about?” she asked, shaking her head.

Refreshing her memory, I replied, “Competition,” and sighed.

“Oh, right.” She waved a hand in front of her face. “Yes, every other designer is competition. I mean, how can they not be. They’re quite literally making clothes just like me and trying to gain the population’s attention and get them to hand over their hard-earned money.”

That was a cynical way of looking at it. “I buy clothes from a lot of different stores and brands. I believe most people do. I’m sure there’s a place for everyone.”

“Say that to the designers that flop after a couple of years and go back to a boring desk job.” She rolled her lips. “That, honey, will never be me. I’m not going to be a failure, a loser story that everyone talks about with pity in their voice and frowns on their faces.”

Not sure what to say, I nodded.

“Oh, poor Rina Levana, she tried so hard, but got nowhere fast. She didn’t leave a mark and soon she’ll be nothing more than a memory,” she said in a low voice full of mockery of someone who I assumed she thought would be from the media.

I cleared my throat. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think you’ve already done a great job making a name for yourself.” Couldn’t she see that? When was good enough for Rina?

“Yeah, for today, but what about tomorrow? I have to keep one-upping myself. It’s the way of this industry.” She bumped into the side of my body purposefully. “You should know that.”

Maybe I should have, but I didn’t believe what she said to be true. I didn’t like the idea of seeing everyone as competition because who did that leave you to befriend? It wasn’t a healthy way to look at the world and as much as Rina seemed to want to convince me it was the only way, I wasn’t changing my point of view.

I angled my head toward the carousel we were coming up to. “That carousel holds some memories for us, doesn’t it?” I asked, trying to change the topic now.

Maybe we needed to focus on the things we did see eye to eye on. When us being together made sense. Perhaps that would help us move forward. I didn’t know how, but that was the only plan I had at this point.

She cringed. Visibly cringed. “Ew. That carousel is something my nightmares are made of.”

My eyes went wide. “What do you mean? You used to love that thing. We went on it a lot if you recall.”

“Yeah, but that was a long time ago and things are different now. That was part of my past. That was something Rina Blum enjoyed.”

I rolled my eyes and led us straight toward it. “Well, maybe it’s time you see if Rina Levana would enjoy it, too. I know the new you doesn’t do things like this and you’ve changed, but pacify me, would you?”

She looked hesitant as her eyes flicked from the carousel to me and then back again to the fake horses. “Fine,” she gave in, but pointed a finger at me, growing serious. “But this is a one time only thing and we don’t ever speak of it again.”

I raised my brows. “Unless you have fun.”

“I doubt I will.”

What was she so afraid of?

I took care of getting our tickets and guided her to the landing where I extended a hand. “Lady’s choice.”

She looked around and gave me a silly smile. “Knox, this is weird. We’re not kids anymore. Adults don’t do this.”

I shook my head. “Yes, they do. Come on. No one’s taking pictures. No one even knows we’re here. It’ll stay between us.”

She raised a brow and her eyes looked into mine, searching them.

“Hey.” I held up my hands in surrender. “Who am I going to tell?”

“All right, if you insist.” She pointed to a black horse. “I guess I pick that one. Will you stand beside me?” she asked suddenly.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d have said a nervous tone hit her voice. I had no idea where that had come from, but it was the first time I saw a small glimmer of the Rina I used to know. Maybe Rina Blum wasn’t as dead and buried inside Rina Levana as I’d thought she was.

The question was, where did the Knox that knew that girl go? Because something was still definitely off between us.