Chapter Thirty-Five

Nina

A week later, I'm at Insomniacs again, nervously tapping my feet and checking my phone every thirty seconds. It seems this place is becoming quite the setting for strained conversations, as I watch the door for Jordy's arrival.

She'd texted me back a few days ago, no doubt at my mom's prompting. I haven't talked to my mom since she showed up at Polka Dot's, though she's sent me links to articles about clothing store pop-ups and fashion ideas. It's her way of connecting, I realize. But I have nothing to base my assumption on Jordy breaking her silence except that the timing is coincidental.

Jordy finally does show up, finding me after a quick sweep of the shop. She doesn't smile, even when her eyes land on the drink I've set in her place. An almond milk latte, no sugar. Her favorite.

"I'm not sure why I'm even here," she says as she sits. Her voice is mechanic and cold, her posture like a cement wall. There are slight circles under her eyes, and I feel a sting of that familiar shame knowing I'm the one who did that. "I suppose I should thank you for the money you sent."

"It was the least I could do," I say, my eyes on the table.

"No, the least you could have done was stay away from my fiancé," she hisses.

"I'm so sorry." I keep my eyes down. I know there is nothing I can say that will fix any of this, and yet, I'm grateful she even came, even if it's just to tell me how awful I am.

She sighs, and the space between us fills with awkward silence. I wait it out, knowing it's not my place to speak.

"I think what hurts me the most is that this was all happening while we lived under the same roof. I shared something private with you, and the whole time, you were sleeping with Brayden. You both played me for a fool. I trusted both of you, and both of you were laughing at me."

"We were not laughing at you," I say, but she cuts me off with a glare.

"The fact that I had no idea," she says, shaking her head. "I can't believe I didn't see it." She laughs. "Then I send you two off to that stupid conference. I fucking hate that conference, and I actually felt bad that I roped you into going. Little did I know, I was giving the two of you a free pass to fuck around on me."

"Jordy, I'm sorry."

"Are you though? Or are you just sorry you lost both of us?"

"I'm sorry for hurting you," I say firmly. "You're everything to me, and I didn't treat you that way at all. I let my own nee… I let my own wants become more important than our friendship, and for that, I am so ashamed. To know I betrayed you this horribly, I can't even live with myself. I know there's nothing I can say or do to make you forgive me, but I will try every day, regardless. I will do anything. I'll give you my house, let you decorate it any way you wa nt. I'll buy a billboard with my face on it, telling all of Sunset Bay what I did."

"Nina, come on."

"I will never talk with Brayden again," I continue. "I've already blocked his number, and I won't contact him. If you are able to work things out with him, I will be your hugest supporter. Even if you leave him in your dust, I still won't talk with him."

"Do you love him?"

I should say no. Instead, I pause, my mouth open, and the word right there but not coming out.

"Nina, do you love Brayden?" she repeats. Tears spring to my eyes, because of course I love him. I am dying without him. I miss him so bad, I can barely sleep. I'm just existing without him, not knowing what he's doing or where he's at or how I can keep going like this. Because this is torture, and I deserve every second of it.

"I'll give him up forever," I finally whisper.

Jordy sighs, looks up at the ceiling. She leans back in her chair, crossing her legs as she regards me.

"We'd known each other about a month when I found out I was pregnant," Jordy says. "I don't know if Brayden told you any of this, but we were strangers who were thrown together by this sudden development. I wasn't planning on having kids, but there I was, suddenly faced with having a baby with someone I hardly knew. He doesn't know it, but I overheard his father lecturing him on doing right by me. We were in the hospital, right after his dad's heart attack. We'd just learned his dad would never walk again from the fall from that horse, and Bray didn't know if his dad was going to die or not. We'd just found out about the baby, and his dad told him to marry me. So Brayden asked for my hand, because at that point, he'd do anything his dad asked him to do. You see, that's Brayden. He lives his life saving everyone else. Ever since he lost his sister, he's been making amends for it by saving the world. He did it with me by putting a ring on my finger, and then sticking to that promise after we lost our daughter. At least that was his intention, because that ring also became a noose."

She looks at her bare finger now, a sad smile on her lips. "Neither one of us wanted to get married," she finally admits. "I think we wanted to want that, but who drags their engagement on for five years except those who are avoiding their vows?" She looks at me, and this time it's with less contempt. "I think I knew our relationship was on the rocks when you two went to that conference, but only because I was glad he was away. We barely spent time together, and yet the greater distance between us gave me relief. It's why I reserved the venue and set a date. I felt like I could maybe make myself want to marry him if I just moved forward." She looks away, her hand resting on her cheek. "He broke up with me the night you two came back," she says. "It caught me off guard, especially when he told me he'd cheated on me. It was so unlike him, but also, I realized it was the first time I'd seen him do something for himself. Granted, I wouldn't have chosen an affair as his thing. But it was the first time he took a stand against my plans and my way of moving us in the direction I wanted to go. And what did I do? I made him pretend we were still together, like an absolute maniac."

"You had reasons," I say.

"Yeah, great reason. I couldn't let go because it was a blow to my ego." She flexes her hands on the table, huffing a laugh.

"Maybe," I say. "Or maybe because your mom would have made you feel worse for something that wasn't your fault."

She looks at me then, and a moment of appreciation crosses her expression. It's just a moment, but it happens. "Maybe," she agrees. "But it was mostly for me." She takes a deep breath, then lets it out. "I never should have said yes when Brayden proposed. I didn't know him, and I definitely did not love him. I also knew he was asking for all the wrong reasons. When we lost the baby, I gave him a chance to break things off, even though I'd overheard him telling his father he'd stay with me. I gave him the chance, asking if he still wanted to marry me. But in that moment, I also felt this desperation that we went through all that loss for nothing. So, even though I didn't love him and I pretty much knew he didn't love me, I wanted to hold on to him, just to prove that it happened for a reason." She runs her hand through her hair, letting out a rush of air. "We grew to love each other, or maybe we were just comfortable. But it wasn't enough to make a marriage." She looks at me, then grimaces. "I should be more pissed than I am. I should hate you forever and just write you off completely. Both of you. I should wish you both dead. But the thing is, I don't."

She wraps her hands around her coffee, biting her lip. I remain silent, barely breathing at this admission.

"There are things I wanted in life," she continues. "Before I met Brayden, I had plans. When Brayden and I got engaged, those plans died, or maybe they were just put on pause. When Brayden broke things off with me, I was sad, but there was also a bit of relief. I hung on to him because that's what I knew. But a small part of me saw the opportunity to go after those dreams I had before we met."

She studies me then, tilting her head and narrowing her eyes—but not with anger. It's more curious. "He loves you," she says, and I let out an involuntary gasp at the words, feeling like she's taken a needle and punctured the huge ball of stress that's been resting on my heart. "He also told me you broke things off with him because of me. But the thing is, I can't stop you from being with the man you love. If I did that, it's no better than…" She breaks off, shakes her head. "I won't stand in the way of you two finding happiness with each other. I've already done this long enough with Brayden, and I won't do it to you. If you love him, you need to tell him."

"I can't," I say, even though every bone is ready to do just that. " If there's even a chance of you forgiving me, I won't ruin it for a man."

"This isn't just a man," Jordy says, a soft smile on her face. "This is Brayden Winters, a man who will bring you the moon if you just ask him to, who will spend his life making you happy, who is good and generous and would have made a great husband if he were actually in love with me." Her forehead crinkles, her eyes bordering on warm as she regards me. "But he's in love with you, and he will be all those things for you if you'll have him."

"What about us, though? Because you are the person who means most to me in this world. I can't lose you."

"You haven't lost me," she says. "But I need time to think things over and to heal, and you should too. We both have a lot to overcome when it comes to family, and I think all of us could learn a little bit about loyalty."

She's right, of course, and I suddenly feel so much lighter. There's hope for us. I know there is.

"Can I at least give you the house?" I ask. She laughs.

"No, I don't want Nanna's house," she says. "Besides, it would just go to waste while I'm traveling. It's time I got started on those plans."

"You're leaving? Where are you going?"

"To Europe," she says. "Italy, Barcelona, France. I thought I'd see the world for a bit before I settle down. By the way, I received some strange paperwork in the mail. Something about being a silent partner in Polka Dot's?"

"Don't get too excited," I say. "The store isn't even off the ground yet, and I'm still not sure it will make any money. But I've made you, my mom, and Aunt Lil equal partners with me, all of us getting 25% of the proceeds. It's kind of my way of making amends for Nanna Dot not including any of you in the will." I tell her briefly what my mom told me. What I don't tell her is that I'm also in the process of splitting the rest of Nanna's money between the four of us, setting up an investment fund in each of our names to do with as we please.

As for the house, if Jordy won't take it, I'll sell it. As much as I love my Nanna Dot, it's time for all of us to move on.

The next day, I wash and blow dry my hair, taking extra care with the platinum locks. I consider dyeing it again, but the platinum is growing on me. I do my makeup, then spritz on a light layer of lilac perfume. I put on a pair of jeans and my walking shoes, along with a t-shirt and sweatshirt. Nothing fancy because I have a long walk ahead of me.

I get in my car, that old Cadillac that still smells like my grandmother from time to time. I realize maybe it's time to find something new, something more me. Am I more of a sports car kind of girl? Or maybe a truck? All I know is that I'm ready to take life by the reins and keep riding.

I drive until I reach a dirt road next to a large swath of land that separates me from the ocean. Leaving the car, I navigate through the narrow pathway until I reach the sand. I'm not much of an athlete, but I still break into a light jog, feeling the energy flow through me as if it's a gift. I get winded, but keep going, motivated to reach the end of the beach. I can see it now, bobbing up and down as I run, getting closer with each step.

It's ages when I finally get there, and I collapse in the sand. There are the remnants of a past fire, maybe days old. The sky is deep blue, with scattered puffs of clouds. A pelican dives into the water, and the crashing waves are a balm to my soul.

My phone is in my shaky hands as I take a picture, then open up my texts. I send it and start typing.

I'm ready to talk. Meet me here.