Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Shepperd

God, I hoped I didn’t just fuck everything up by telling him all that. Not that I even scratched the surface of my issues. But now, Law had this look in his soulful eyes that I couldn’t make sense of. Was that pity? The last thing I wanted was pity. Definitely something was different between us now and I had to think that was reasonable given what I just shared with him. But had it been a mistake?

My first inclination was to bolt. To flee the scene and reassess the situation from a safe space. But I saw where that got me the other night, and I didn’t want to go back there again. I was truly scared I had driven the man away before we had a chance to explore what could grow between us.

“Don’t…” I started to say but pulled myself back immediately when I heard the tone in my voice. “Sorry,” I said much quieter. Much kinder.

“Don’t what?” he asked, thankfully absent of the defensiveness I expected. My own voice would’ve held that inflection if I were in his shoes.

“I’m sorry. That was a knee-jerk response to what I’m seeing here,” I explained, drawing a circle in the air a few inches in front of his face. “I’m trying to get better at not reacting like that. At least with you,” I finished with a shy smile. This gentle openness was harder than the biting, acidic, defensive style I usually communicated with.

“Can I tell you something about my family?” he asked, and I couldn’t make sense of why he asked permission first.

“Ooohhhkaayy…” I drew out with a head tilt, not understanding where we were going with the conversation.

“It will make more sense in a minute,” he explained. “I didn’t want to just blurt out something about me after you shared such personal information. I don’t want it to come across as me minimizing your experiences or that I’m only capable of talking about myself.”

I was definitely picking up a pattern. The man had either been accused of being self-centered and didn’t like it, or he truly recognized a personality flaw and was trying to improve.

With focused sincerity, I said, “In that case, yes, please. I’d love to get to know things about your family and your life.”

“I’m one of ten children. I know I’ve told you that before. My oldest sister, Cecile, was married for a few years and has a little girl. Stella.”

His eyes danced with the kind of love that could make my ovaries swell if I allowed the energy to penetrate my guard. I already knew he adored this child before he said another word. I could feel his emotions in the air around him like warm, rich cake batter. The atmosphere was comforting, safe, and filled with familial loyalty.

“I have a feeling Miss Stella is one spoiled little lady.”

Law’s features quickly changed to abashed. As predicted, my lower abdomen clenched with a hormonal surge. Christ, this guy was dangerous for my carefully controlled existence.

“Guilty. We all are. But she’s an angel. Honestly, I know everyone thinks their kid or relative is the cutest thing ever, but she really is. She has this mop of bright-red hair and little chubby cheeks you just want to take a bite of. My brother Jake has a daughter the same age, but that’s a story for another day. We’re all still getting to know her.”

“Do you have pictures?” I asked, sitting forward a bit, but he quickly closed his arms tighter around my waist.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he teased.

“I want to see them. I assumed you’d fish your phone out and show me.”

“In a second. I want to tell you the rest, and I’m enjoying holding you like this too much to move.” His voice turned low and serious on that last part. By the way it suddenly became hard to swallow or even take a full breath, it was like he was staring directly into my soul.

Oooh, serious Law was even sexier than playful Law. While I usually avoided intense conversation at almost any cost, this one was worth engaging in. Not sure how I felt so confident about that, but my gut was rarely wrong.

He went through the sad details of Stella’s abuse, and I listened as open-mindedly as I could. Oftentimes, when I shared even a hint of my history with someone, they did exactly what Law was doing. By sharing their own experiences, people assumed we instantly had some sort of connection or bond, and they were automatically qualified as a person I could trust and open up to. Not always the case. Also, if I told a person about my past, which I rarely did, the best thing they could do was listen and be compassionate. But for some reason, this seemed to be the go-to response.

Hearing about another victim suffering out in the world didn’t make me feel united with them. It made me angry. Angry that another person was robbed of joy and innocence by a predator.

Because I knew how that felt. Once something like that happened, you never really got over it. Every person looked suspicious or threatening, every situation looked like a trap.

Law’s intentions were pure, though. Based on what I knew about the guy so far, in his heart, he told me this information for the right reasons. He wasn’t trying to take over the conversation or shift the focus to him, or Stella. He was just trying to bond with me through a painful experience.

Normally, I would’ve ended this type of conversation after the first few lines, but I saw the amount of love he had for this child. Instead of feeling frustrated like I normally did, I wanted to comfort him in return. I wanted to give him the reaction I wished for on the rare occasion I shared my pain with someone.

Sitting up taller on his lap, I wrapped both arms around his neck and pressed my body into his. I squeezed him close to me, and we breathed together for a long moment.

Finally, I pulled back. “I’m sorry you and your family know what that kind of pain and betrayal feels like. It breaks my heart every time I hear about another person being taken advantage of by someone who should have loved them or cared for them.”

“You’re so brave,” he said into my hair. I had to consciously hold in my scoff. “I can feel the way your body just tensed in my arms that you want to refute that.”

Wow. The man saw things most people completely missed. Or if they did see my reaction to their comments, they ignored them and plowed ahead with their own agendas.

A soft smile played at my lips instead. “You’re very observant.”

“I can be. When something matters, or rather, someone matters. I want to learn all I can about that person.” He paused for a moment, and I could only guess he was trying to come up with a tactful way to ask something. That assumption was confirmed when he finally spoke again.

“I think you’re brave because you’ve been dealing with the trauma alone. And you go out in public every day, face the world, strangers…hell, maybe even the bastard who hurt you, and you haven’t told anyone what happened.” He maneuvered his body so we were looking directly into each other’s eyes again. “That’s incredibly brave, Shepperd.”

Before he even finished, I was shaking my head. He had it all so backwards. How could he not see that?

“I’m not brave, Law. I’m a coward. Instead of dealing with what happened, I bolt. I’ve been running for so long, I’m out of places to hide.”

“You don’t have to hide from me. And whenever you want to hide from the rest of the world, run to me. Okay?” He held my gaze until I dipped my chin in agreement.

“Do you see the guy still?” he finally asked quietly.

“No, it’s been years,” I said, always careful with the amount of information I released.

“An old neighbor? Distant relative?” he fired one after the other.

Why did he need to know? It’s not like it would change anything.

“No. No one like that.”

He just stared at me, seeming to encourage me to tell him without asking again.

And for some reason, I wanted to tell him. Maybe it would feel good to let the secret out. It’s not like he’d go down to my old school and find the guy. It was my understanding he’d died years ago.

“It was a janitor at my school. I think he molested my oldest sister, too,” I blurted and waited for the earth to open up and swallow me. For so long I was terrified to say the words out loud. Convinced something tragic would happen when I released my truth. Now that I had, and literally nothing changed, I was incensed. There was no monumental sense of relief, just stifling heavy air between us. I tried to bolt, and damn the guy for already having my number. He wrapped his arms around my waist a little tighter and just stared.

“What?” I bit, pissed that he wouldn’t let me stand.

His voice was gentle and soothing when he said, “Calm down, darling. I’m right here. Nothing’s changed. I’m still right here.”

I tried to stand again, and that time, he released his hold on me. I shot to my feet, stumbling from the extra force I used. Law was on his feet in a second steadying me with large, confident hands on my hips.

“Was that the first time you told anyone? Ever?”

I couldn’t speak. I’d already said enough anyway. I looked down at my feet and studied the pattern on my socks.

“Shep?”

Finally, I just nodded. Tears were fighting to break free and backflowing into my throat. I knew if I used my voice, it would be like turning a dam’s release valve, and it would be hours before I felt in control again.

Without another word, Law stepped closer and pulled me into his arms. He didn’t need me to explain or embellish, he was content with what I already shared. Being in his arms felt so good. So safe and comforting. Quickly the peace I felt turned into exhaustion, and I could barely stay on my feet.

“Hey, hey?” He ducked down to be at eye level. “What’s going on? Do you want to lie down? Are you okay?”

Again, I just nodded, and then a third time. He guided me to the bed and stood at the side while I climbed onto the mattress. Watching him through half-closed eyes, I could see the indecisiveness in his posture but couldn’t muster the strength to alleviate it.

Finally, he asked, “Can I lie down with you? Hold you more?”

Seeing this normally confident, dominant man so unsure of himself turned me on more than hearing him direct me. He showed me vulnerability, and I found it extremely attractive. Made him more real and attainable. Up until that point, I went back and forth trying to figure out what the man saw in me. What could a broken, screwed-up me offer a put-together, confident man like him?

“I would like that,” I mumbled, and he climbed onto his bed and fit his body against mine. He draped his long arm over my hip and clutched my hand in his. Within minutes we were both sound asleep.

Hours later I woke, completely disoriented. The room was lit only by faint lights that were built into the electrical outlets. Law had rolled onto his back in sleep, so just one side of my body was warm where we pressed together. The opposite side had the chill of the still air in the quiet room. My stirring woke him almost instantly.

“I’m sorry,” I rushed out and stuttered as he turned toward me and wrapped me in his arms. The man was so handsome it was arresting. In the dimly lit room, the hard angles of his face were more pronounced where shadows played with his Adonis-like geometry.

“What are you apologizing for? This is my idea of heaven right here.” He grinned and crushed me closer. All I could manage in reply was a blank stare.

“Heaven?”

“Waking up and you’re still here,” he explained while his smile spread to my lips too.

He kissed me softly. At first, anyway. But now that we both had rested a bit and maybe felt a little bolder in the darkened room, the intensity of our connection ramped up quickly. He swept into my mouth with his tongue, and a husky whimper escaped when I parted more for his exploration.

There was a brief moment when my brain tried to ruin things and overanalyze what he might think of the sound I made. But as though he sensed me disengaging, Law ground his erection into my thigh, and I was instantly relieved to see—or feel, rather—that he enjoyed my unedited reaction.

We made out like teenagers for about twenty minutes, then I breathlessly pulled back. “Okay, Danger. You’re earning your nickname with scary precision.”

He laughed, and I was instantly aroused. I’m not sure I’d ever been turned on by a guy’s laugh before, but Law’s was so genuine and pure. It shot straight to my pussy and reverberated there. In an effort to not embarrass myself by giving in to pure desire and mounting him, I squeezed my eyes shut to block out the onslaught of stimulation.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, fading from playful to serious with one question.

“My God, nothing,” I sighed with a grin, eyes still closed. “Nothing at all. I can’t even remember the last time I said that and meant it.”

“Why are you squeezing your eyes shut like that?”

So I gave it to him. I just blurted out what I was feeling like I was overturning a wheelbarrow filled with thoughts and words right at his feet.

“It’s hard to look at you,” I word-vomited. “You’re so good-looking.”

He rolled his eyes, and I poked him in the abdomen.

“I’m not joking,” I continued. “I’m being boldly honest. Looking at you makes my body feel ways.” I paused there, trying to put words to the sensations but came up short. “I’m not sure what’s even happening. It’s terrifying and exhilarating at the same time.”

Immediately I wanted to burrow under the sumptuous bedding and hide from all the thoughts I had just admitted.

His stillness and attentiveness were more unnerving than his usual animated feedback. Instead of saying anything to break the excruciating silence, he moved closer, then closer still until our mouths were less than an inch apart.

“Can I kiss you again? I was rather enjoying that,” he asked in a voice so heavy with intention I had to swallow before my throat would cooperate and produce sound.

“Yes. Please do.” I smiled and willed my erratically beating heart to calm the fuck down. My eyes darted from feature to feature on his beautiful face and tried to catalog the details for later.

Law moved above me while carefully watching my reaction. “Will it be too much if I lie on top of you? I want to feel you beneath me more than I can remember ever wanting something.” Quickly he tacked on, “But I don’t want to scare you, or trigger you. You have to help me here until we know each other better.” A devilish smile spread from one corner of his mouth.

“It’s fine if you do that. Lie on me.”

So he did, and I took a few moments to revel in the feeling. His body weight pressing me deeper into the mattress, the warmth coming from his skin. Everything about the scene was incredible. As long as I stayed engaged with what was going on and didn’t let my mind wander, things would be fine. Better than fine.

Law kissed across my jaw to the spot beneath my ear. I felt his measured breaths and his slick tongue as he lapped at my skin.

“You smell so good. I don’t know what perfume you wear, but it drives me crazy. It suits you perfectly.”

“Mmmm, feels so good,” I hummed and stretched my neck to the side to let him explore. He moved my hair to the pillow above my head while keeping eye contact the entire time.

“I’m one lucky man,” he said and gave his head a little shake.

“Mmmm,” I moaned again when he returned his attention back to my neck.

He sucked my skin a bit harder as he made a path downward.

“I think I’m the lucky one here,” I finally said.

He kissed down my throat to the hollow between my collar bones and spent some time nuzzling in the dip.

I spread my legs a little more, and he settled into the space I created. His erection was impossible to miss in that position, and he rocked into me a couple times as if testing the waters to see if I would deny him. If he kept up that motion, I’d take my own pants down and insist he do it properly.

To show him I was present and agreeable to what was happening, I wrapped my legs around his hips and held his body to mine.

A low groan worked up his throat and vibrated against my own while he continued feasting on my skin.

He slid his hand under the hem of my shirt, and I arched into his palm. The movement sent a clear message that I was doing fine with what was going on, so he boldly went right for my breast beneath the fabric. I rolled my eyes back when he gave my stiff nipple a little flick, so he did it again.

“Sit up for a sec?” he asked while pulling his body back to give me room to accommodate his request.

I sat up, and he had my shirt off and tossed over his shoulder with a wicked grin.

“That’s better.” He stretched his arms behind my back to release my bra. He tossed that off the bed too and sat back on his heels to take me in.

I leaned back on bent elbows and watched his expression. The man looked like he was mentally mapping out a plan of where to touch but couldn’t decide where to start. I cupped my breasts in my hands and gave them a gentle squeeze before pushing them toward the center in offering.

“You look like a little boy on Christmas morning.”

He chuckled. “Apparently I’ve been very good this year, then. Fuck me,” he said, shaking his head. “You’re so stunning. I can’t stop staring. Every single thing about you is perfect.”

I was positive no one had ever said those words to me in my entire life. Yes, people told me I was pretty. Yes, people always commented about my long blond hair. But that’s where the love usually stopped. Next I would usually hear that I needed to eat more, that you could see my bones right under my skin, or worse—what I always suspected in my insecure thoughts—the comparisons between my older sisters or my twin and me. Some people were rude enough to vocalize the thoughts while the rest silently made their lists of my shortcomings.

But I forced myself to stay present with Law. So far, he wasn’t like the other guys I’d fooled around with. If he said he appreciated something, he meant it. He was confident in the way he moved, and he gave me an immeasurable sense of security.

When I snapped out of my own thoughts and reengaged in the moment, his mouth was exploring the underside of my breast, where he sucked particularly hard on my delicate skin. Yeah, that was definitely going to leave a mark, and I secretly rejoiced.

“Fuck!” I yipped when he sunk his teeth into my body. “Feels so good,” I preached straight up to the ceiling above me. “God, yes.”

“You like that?” he asked, pulling back from his busy work.

“Yes. Definitely,” I panted.

My sexy man got right back to work, and by the time he was done and we were both glassy-eyed and panting, I had a chain of bite marks from one breast to the other.

“No bathing suit for you for a few days,” he chuckled while surveying the bruises. He ran his finger from one to the other and looked very pleased with himself. Blatantly, he rubbed the bulge at his crotch and made a strangled sort of moan.

“Need some help there?” I said as seductively as possible, and I saw immediately how my question surprised him.

“I don’t want to push my good fortune by going too fast,” he said, palming his dick the whole time. “I may need to handle this, though, or I’m going to go blind.”

I burst out laughing. I hadn’t heard that ridiculous wives’ tale in a long time. His boyish humor was so charming. So many things about the man were charming. Again, the word danger flashed in my mind. This time it seemed more like a promise than a warning, though, and I was feeling exceptionally bold.

Bold and horny.

“Do you have condoms here?” I asked rather than beating around the bush. I wanted it. He wanted it. I was completely ready to just go for it.

“I do.” He carefully studied my face. “Are you sure? Maybe we should wait?”

I was almost shocked by the suggestion, and honestly, I was a little hurt. Quickly embarrassment rushed in like a flash flood. Had I really misread the situation? I was certain we were on the same page.

Law crawled back up my body until our noses bumped. While holding my gaze, he said, “I don’t want to screw this up. I’d rather wait until you’re one hundred percent ready so we both have a great experience.”

“I’m one hundred percent ready right now,” I protested. Any more of this talk, though, and I’d retreat. I had my dignity still, and I certainly wouldn’t beg him to fuck me. Not in that way at least. “But if you’re not, then that’s cool. Seriously, it’s fine.”

I scanned the surrounding area on the bed for my discarded clothes. I was feeling more and more vulnerable by the second and wanted to cover my body. To shield myself from his assessing stare.

“Stop.” His voice was stern and strong and undeniably in control.

I stopped shuffling through the bedding and looked up at him. “What?” I snapped when he didn’t say more. “I’m sorry I misread what was going on,” I stammered while trying to control my temper. I was embarrassed now, and my go-to demeanor was bitch.

“Hey,” he said quietly and somehow still seductive. “I wasn’t saying no. I just don’t want to screw things up here. You matter too much.”

“Well, I feel like an idiot. Like I was being too pushy. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” He positioned himself so his back was against the headboard. “Here, come lie in my arms.”

“Maybe I should just get going,” I offered instead, and he jacked up to sit straighter.

“Shepperd. Come on. We’ve been having such a great time. Please don’t leave.” He sounded so earnest, it pulled me out of my mental tailspin. “Please don’t.”

The voice inside was telling me—no, more like yelling at me not to screw this up. I needed to swallow my embarrassment and stay. Work through it. No relationship was always smooth sailing. Or perfect synchronization all the time. That wasn’t realistic. If I wanted to really give this thing between us a shot, some work may have to be put into it now and then. Especially in the beginning.

My shoulders dropped as low as they could go, and I sighed. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry again as I crawled back onto the bed and into his waiting embrace.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered into his firm chest. “I’m such a fucking idiot.”

Abruptly he pulled back and stared at me. After much too long for my comfort, he said, “Don’t say things like that about yourself. I don’t like it. In fact, from this moment forward, I’m officially forbidding it. If you say negative things about yourself in my presence, you’ll be punished.” His lecture’s intent softened the edge of his delivery. The goofy way he waggled his brows on that last part helped lighten the mood too.

I playfully smacked at his chest, and he snatched my flailing hand right out of the air.

“Careful now,” he warned in that low, growly voice.

My eyes had to be the size of silver dollars by the time he was done. “Okay, Danger. That tone of voice may have to be registered as a deadly weapon,” I teased. Then I grew serious. “Thank you for making me stay. And thank you for not making me feel stupid for throwing myself at you like that. I really didn’t want to leave. It’s such a habit…the flight instinct.” I had no idea why I’d just confessed all that, but it might help him know me better.

“I understand, believe it or not. It’s human nature to bolt in uncomfortable or unsafe situations. I’m glad we’re taking it slow, though?—”

He stopped abruptly when I gave him a skeptical look.

“I’m serious. I mean, my cock isn’t very happy with me right now, but I think taking it slower will be better in the long run. Do I want to nail you to this bed twelve ways from Sunday? Hell yes. But really, your comfort and security are what’s most important.”

“You’re really an incredible person, you know that?”

“Thank you, baby. That’s nice of you to say that.”

“Well, I’m not saying it just to be nice. I’m telling you the truth.”

We lay quietly for a while before my stomach made a series of obscenely loud noises. The more I thought about it, the less I wanted to leave. Especially to end up back at my parents’ house where they’d start right back in on me.

“Let’s feed you, girl. You can’t tell me you’re not hungry when your stomach is growling like that.” He pushed to sit up and get out of bed.

“I’d be fine with an apple or something,” I said as I pulled my shirt over my head. Fuck the bra. I hated those things anyway.

“Let’s check on the meat I have marinating. I’ll throw it on the grill, and we’ll be eating in no time,” he said and tugged me by the hand toward the kitchen.