Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Shepperd

While I lay in bed waiting for the communal bathroom in my family’s home to be free, I reread the messages from Law for a third time. A strange expression was consuming my entire face, and it wasn’t until there was a quiet knock on my door that I realized I was smiling.

Seriously, what the hell? From reading a handful of text messages from a guy much too slick for my own best interest. When I gave the guy a few minutes of head time, I knew I was falling for him and didn’t like it one bit. It was way too quick and not a place I was comfortable. Caring for someone . That just led to problems and eventual pain. I had way too much baggage to ever get involved with someone long-term, and I knew it.

Shit, all I had to do was reflect on that disaster from the other night at his place. What normal person freaks out the way I did? From being tickled?

I knew the answer, but it wasn’t one I typically cared to share with anyone. First, I wasn’t normal. Second, it wasn’t the tickling that set me off.

I was a girl with a dark secret. Even my family didn’t know the deal. No one did. Okay, not true. One other person did because he was the monster that haunted me in my dreams. Hell, on really bad days, I didn’t even have to be asleep to be tortured by the memories. And even though the worst of it all happened when I was in grade school, the nightmare film reel that played in my mind was as fresh as the latest blockbuster.

It started when I was eight. Maye and I just started third grade, and we were the sweet little blond twins that everyone cooed and gushed over. Our mother still dressed us the same, everywhere we went. Even around the house, our play clothes matched right down to our little fold-over socks. The thing that really amazed all the adults was how much we looked like our two older sisters, too. Clemson, our youngest sister, has a bigger gap in age between us and her, so she always escaped the fascinated stares.

One vile, awful-smelling man at our school took particular interest in the Farsay girls. Later, I found out he started with my oldest sister, Hannah. I never had the courage to ask her how far he took his sick, inappropriate attention with her, but I knew that knowledge was the birthplace of the deep resentment I had for her.

In my mind, if that janitor hadn’t been so interested in her to begin with, he wouldn’t have come for me. Several times while I was pinned beneath the grimy scumbag, he would talk about Hannah with sickening reverence. Like it wasn’t bad enough he was molesting a child, he had to talk about his obsession with my older sister while doing it.

Scars. I had big, incurable, mental and emotional scars from years of abuse by a trusted adult at the school our parents shipped us off to, day in and day out. Like many child predators, he was clever with his threats. I was terrified to tell anyone what was happening, so I retreated inward and became very angry. Now, no one knew why I was so hateful and nasty, but there were hours of horrific details that gave me every right to feel the way I did.

All in all, I was doing damn good for what I was hiding. I had some trust issues, but not with humanity overall. Now, I could spot a creep from a mile away. There was a certain vibe that evil people put off, and my senses were finely tuned to it. Shockingly, many really bad people lived and worked among us every day. You just had to know when to turn and go in the other direction.

The area of my life suffering most was my personal relationships. There were a couple of trusted souls I could confide in, but I knew opening up to someone would just saddle them with a lot of crap they didn’t want in their head. Plus, then there would always be the weight of my abuse hanging in the air between all our interactions, and I didn’t want that either. So I continued to keep my shit exactly that. Mine.

This thing with Law was knocking me off my normal course, though. I couldn’t quite put my finger on what or why, but I’d never let myself be triggered while being intimate with someone like I was the other night. And all we were doing was kissing!

If I could figure out what was so different about the guy, I was sure I could get a handle on the reaction. In the meantime, I tried to feel him out to see if I would need to address what happened at his house or if we’d sweep it under the rug and never mention it again. Of course, that was my preference, but I didn’t know him well enough yet to know if he’d push for more of an explanation or not.

When the knock on my bedroom door was more insistent, I realized I’d been so lost in my thoughts, I’d completely ignored whoever wanted in the first time I’d heard it. Likely my mom, but she normally barged right in after knocking.

“Yeah?” I called out, and the door opened cautiously. Oddly, it was my dad in the doorway, but then I remembered it was the weekend.

“Morning, Shep. Sleep good?”

“Not bad, what’s up?” We didn’t make small talk these days, so his trepidation immediately set me on edge. The majority of people in this house had sleeping problems, so even asking how I slept was ridiculous. He knew damn well how I slept. With one eye open so the nightmares could only get half as bad.

If I hovered in that first stage of sleep, I didn’t wake up screaming and cause panic through the whole house. It happened enough times when I was young that I trained myself to not sleep deeply. The drama after one of those episodes could be worse than the episode itself. Everyone got all beside themselves, and I ended up shutting down because I was consumed by guilt for upsetting everyone.

“Nothing really, just saying hi and seeing what you’re up to today. Got plans?” While he restlessly shifted from foot to foot, my mom joined him just inside the door.

“Not at the moment. I need to get some laundry done, and I’m thinking of rearranging the room now that Maye moved in with the nutty professor,” I replied and did my best to keep emotion out of my answer. The truth was I was devastated when my twin recently moved out. She was the closest friend I had, and I missed her more every day.

“Be kind,” my dad reminded, but I didn’t miss the little grin on his lips at the use of the nickname I’d been exercising since she brought the man around. In my heart, I was happy for her. Over the moon, as a matter of fact.

Maye was the most amazing human on the planet. Her heart was big and generous, and she authentically enjoyed sharing her joy with the people around her. Like our two older sisters, Hannah and Agatha, she fell in love quickly. Though her Prince Charming appeared in the shape of one of the professors at the college we attended.

Maye moved in with him a few weeks ago, and I was left here in the family home to fend for myself. When we were little girls, our mom always told us when you meet the right man, you’ll know it. Personally, I never believed in that nonsense but now that it happened to Maye, I considered maybe I just hadn’t met my Mr. Right yet.

My parents weren’t thrilled with the whole relationship at first, but they seemed to be warming up to the man.

“I’m thinking about doing some fishing at the pier. Want to come along?” my dad asked, pulling me out of my thoughts and back to the conversation.

“I don’t think so, Dad. Thanks for asking, though. Why don’t you ask Clemmie? She likes that kind of thing.” Honestly, no matter what activity he had up his sleeve for the day, I wouldn’t be interested. Hanging out with him all day would make me miserable.

He had a way of getting me to open up to him without even knowing it, and I didn’t have the energy to be on high alert all day. He didn’t hide his disappointment at my rejection, but I wasn’t in the mood to be guilted into spending my time making other people happy either.

Why didn’t anyone spend their time worrying about my happiness?

“Can you shut the door on your way out? I think I’m going to try to sleep a bit more while the house is quiet,” I asked, not being subtle about being finished with our little chat.

But instead, they came into the room farther and each took a seat at the foot of my bed.

Great .

“Can we talk?” he said while she studied me like a science project.

“Is that not what we’ve been doing?” I sassed back while sitting up against my headboard. My typical mouthy attitude always fell into place when I felt defensive. My dad tilted his head to the side and sighed. He had the lowest tolerance for my shit out of everyone.

“Your mother and I are worried about you, Shepperd.”

“Can we not?—”

“You’ve lost so much weight, honey, and we’re worried. We wouldn’t be doing our jobs as your parents if we sat by and watched you make yourself sick. We’d like to help you, but you have to let us.” He finished with a heavy sigh as though those were the hardest sentences he’d ever spoken.

“Look,” I began with very little patience. This conversation had gotten so old. “I’m fine. I eat every day.”

But as if I had zero input here, they charged ahead.

My mom spoke up next. “We think maybe talking to someone, a professional, that specializes in eating disorders would be a good place to start.”

“No.”

“Listen. As long as you live under my roof,” my dad said, falling back on his favorite threat since playing Mr. Nice Guy wasn’t yielding the desired result, “you’ll do what is asked of you. And this is in your best interest. Mom has been researching doctors in the area, and there are some of the finest in the world right here in Los Angeles.”

“You guys, no ,” I said again and furiously squeezed my eyes shut to keep the damn tears that were welling up from spilling out. “Really, the answer is no. It’s an unnecessary waste of your money. If I don’t want to go, I won’t. I’m an adult, and you can’t make me.” I crossed my arms over my chest in a defiant stance, truly coming off the furthest from an adult as possible.

My dad took a calming breath. “Actually, we can. As the people supporting you financially, we make the decisions. If you aren’t going to take proper care of yourself, we’ll do it for you. Your mother and I didn’t want it to come to this. You understand that, right?”

“No!” I shouted then. How dare he play the you forced our hand bit with me. “I don’t understand at all. I told you I’m fine, and I am! You both have plenty of other things to worry about. Take me off that list. I’m not going to a shrink.”

He let out a slow, insufferable breath. “There’s only one other option here, Shep.”

“Oh?” I asked, ready to make any sort of concession. “And what is that?” Anything had to be better than seeing a shrink.

“There’s an inpatient program that has an opening,” he began, and I lost my shit.

Bolting up off my bed, the room spun while blinding black dots decimated my vision and made it impossible to gain my balance. I reached for the nearest piece of furniture so I didn’t faceplant. I was livid that of all the times for that to happen, it was while they were watching so closely.

In a flash, my dad was on his feet too, gripping me by the elbows to steady me.

“Baby, this has to stop. You’re going to kill yourself, and for what? Why? Who has put this notion in your head that looking like a damn skeleton is attractive or a healthy way to live?”

His plaintive tone nearly broke me. I knew what I was doing to myself. But I had it under complete control. But this…seeing that the way I abused myself was hurting other people… Well shit, that just added another layer to the fucked-up habits I’d developed. This was my issue, not theirs.

Frustrated, I tried to free myself from his hold, but he gripped tighter.

“You’re hurting me,” I said through clenched teeth as bile rose in my throat. “Let go,” I gasped and barely registered the panic on his face as he witnessed the transition.

One moment, I was in my bedroom fighting for my free will, and the next I was mentally thrown back about twelve years to the dank janitor’s room in my school.

“You’re hurting me.” I choked on vomit that came up while I fought to get away. This room at the far end of the building was dimly lit and damp. The smell of greasy rags and oil cans stung my nose and eyes.

I knew telling him that just excited him more by the way his breathing sped up. A wild, unforgivable plan lit his narrow eyes with an evil light and terrified me even more. Kicking and biting, scratching and pulling what little hair he had did nothing to make him stop. The one time I screamed for help, he choked me until the room went black. Never did that a second time.

“Shepperd!” my dad shouted, and I snapped out of the memory. My breathing was rapid and shallow, and I knew if I didn’t calm the fuck down, I’d pass out. I skittered back from him until my back hit the narrow wall beside my bedroom door. Instinctively, my hands shot up in front of me to defend myself, but my parents weren’t advancing toward me.

They were both frozen with confusion and panic to even think of physically consoling me at the moment. I was never more grateful for it because having to fend them off would possibly break me.

With his hands out front, mirroring my stance, my dad said, “Okay. Let’s all calm down. Not sure what the hell just happened, but let’s all just calm down.”

“Shepperd,” Mom said gently. “Honey, do you want to come sit down here? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” she finished and motioned to my bed. “Let’s sit.”

With jerky movements, I shook my head. “Just go,” I choked out and then added in desperation, “please.”

“No, honey. I don’t want to leave you like this. Let’s just sit for a few minutes.”

Then I completely snapped. “I don’t want to fucking sit! I want you two to get the fuck out of my room! Now!”

Oh, my dad didn’t like that demand. At all. “Listen, young lady, I don’t know what’s going on here, but you’re not calling the shots. You don’t demand we leave a room in the house we pay for. Got it?”

Oh, I got it all right. If this was going to be his new battle cry every single time something didn’t go the way he wanted it to, I’d put an end to the threats the only way I could.

“Fine. I’ll leave. I’ll move out. Then you won’t have to worry about me and what I eat or don’t eat. Or when I just want to be respected enough as a human to be afforded some fucking privacy!” I couldn’t calm down while they confronted me. Like every other female in our house, my voice was downright thunderous when I was provoked.

“This isn’t over,” my father said quietly, likely just to have the last word.

“Nope. I’m pretty sure it is,” I said, and the second they cleared the doorway, I slammed the thing shut behind them. I flopped down onto my bed, face first, and cried for the next twenty minutes. I was so exhausted and so disappointed with myself when the tears finally stopped rushing out, I fell asleep.

It was close to noon when I woke up. My back was stiff, and my stomach was growling demands for something other than water or coffee. I didn’t want to chance running into either of my parents in the kitchen, so I threw on my gym clothes, grabbed my keys and water bottle, and high-tailed it through the house out to the driveway. My dad’s car was there, but Mom’s was gone.

Damn, I must’ve really been sleeping, because normally, someone coming or going woke me.

I slid into my little car and started the engine. Immediately three different warning lights came on, and I thumped my head against the wheel.

One was gas. I could fix that. The other two were unfamiliar, and I had way too much pride and stubbornness to ask my dad to look at it for me. Especially after what had just transpired.

The gym wasn’t too far from our house, so I thought I would hit the first food joint in between. I ended up ducking into a smoothie place and got one of my stand-by meal replacement combos. I was a sucker for anything mango and got an impressive brain freeze from the first gulp. As I squinted through the agony, I heard a familiar voice.

I popped my eyes open to see Law scooting into the booth across from me. That beautiful, sexy grin he wore did unreasonable things between my thighs. After a deep inhale as the stabbing head pain subsided, I pointed to my temple as though he would understand what was happening.

“Uh-oh. Either you’re really unhappy to see me, or you’re on the tail end of a brain freeze. I love the drinks here and do the same thing every damn time.” He laughed and reached across the table for my hand. “I really hope it’s the second one,” he said quietly.

Somehow the man even made a lack of confidence look good, and I couldn’t hold back my smile. I was definitely happy to see him.

Alarmingly so as a matter of fact.

“Hey,” I said shyly. “This is a pleasant surprise. On my way to work out.” I thumbed over my shoulder in the direction of our gym. “But I needed some fuel first.”

“What a coincidence,” he said with a wink. “Same. I guess I shouldn’t assume you want company here. Do you mind?”

After a little shake of my head, I said, “No, not at all. It’s been a morning. I’ll say that much.” I rolled my eyes to punctuate the comment in case he didn’t pick up on the sarcasm. “It’s definitely great to see you. How did you sleep last night?”

“Not bad. Tossed and turned for a bit after we said goodnight. My mind was all over the place if I’m honest,” he admitted and held my gaze for a few long beats after.

“Yeah?” I asked, deciding to tease him a bit. “Anything interesting? Do I know her?”

Law’s smile widened, and he took both hands then. “She’s pretty amazing actually. It’s super new, you know? But I’m hoping to get to know her better. Can’t stop thinking about her, and seriously, I’m crushing pretty hard.”

“Oooh, lucky girl.” Then I had no idea what came over me. Maybe I knew this guy could really be special—or maybe it was the bone-deep loneliness I was feeling before he sat down with me. I wasn’t normally one to willingly discuss feelings but said to the incredibly handsome guy with no preamble, “I’m really sorry about the other night.”

The moment the words came out, I wanted to rewind and handle the conversation differently. Namely, not have it at all. I liked Law’s playful nature. He made me laugh whenever we spoke or spent time together. Now that I opened the door that little crack, would he want to dissect every problem I had one by one? Would I have to go into detailed explanation of every fucked-up thing I’d experienced as a little girl?

He squeezed my hands a little tighter and surprised me by lifting them to his lips and kissing my knuckles.

“There’s no need to apologize. And one day”—he paused and met my transfixed stare—“when you feel like you trust me enough…”

I swallowed so hard it actually hurt.

“You can talk to me about what that was all about.”

Uninvited tears filled my eyes, and it pissed me off, honestly. I wasn’t a big crier, and that was the second time today that I was pulling a Hannah. Maybe my hormones were in overdrive preparing for a period. I hadn’t had one of those in almost a year since my body weight dipped to an all-time low. But some months, my hormones still went through the motions anyway.

“Babe?” Law said, and I realized I’d been just staring at him for longer than normal. “Okay?”

I dipped my chin and raised it in two quick, jerky motions, and that was good enough for him.

He squeezed my hands one last time and said in a much lighter tone, “Good. Now, finish up so we can go. I’m ready to get to it.”

He meant the gym, and I knew that, but a little naughty voice in the back of my mind was shouting that I’d like to get to other things with him instead. The smile that spread across my lips gave away the mental conversation I was entertaining, and he grinned too.

“Oh, we’ll get there too, baby,” he assured with a devilish smile.

This man was big trouble. Judging by the way he lit up parts of my body that no one else ever had, I was deeply concerned about how irrationally behaved I would be willing to be with him. Definitely wouldn’t be letting that slip out in a moment of weakness, though. I could barely handle his charm and charisma at their normal levels. If he knew he had me hooked, I’d be devoured whole.

Before I could answer his original question, the girl behind the counter shouted, “Sarah?” I stood to get the sandwich I ordered in a moment of weakness, and my companion was visibly confused. He put his hand out to stop me, probably thinking I heard her wrong, but that was the name I gave her when I’d ordered. Now I’d have to explain that weird little habit too.

These were just a few of the reasons I never had a long-term boyfriend. I had so many odd habits and rituals I went through in a day. Once I started spending more time with a person, they were exposed to them. I didn’t like feeling defensive or having to explain the reasons I did things. Truly, it wasn’t anyone’s business. I was on the whatever it takes to get through the day approach to life. Most people didn’t realize it because, on the outside, I looked like I was pretty squared away. Or at least I thought I did.

At the counter, I thanked the girl for my order and carefully placed the food in my bag. I didn’t really want the BLT anymore and didn’t want to keep Law from his workout. I plastered on a fake smile and turned to where he was sitting only to turn right into his embrace.

Fuck this guy smelled good. Instinctually, I slid my arms around his waist and let him hug me for a moment. No harm in enjoying this feeling for a few beats. Over his shoulder, I could see the employee staring at us with envy and what could I say? I liked it.

That’s right, sister. This one picked me.

Now I just had to stop acting like a nut all the time so I wouldn’t scare him off.