21. Chapter 21

Chapter twenty-one

Amelia

T he way Sabrina's face paled at the sight of her father and the insecurity that darkened her expression was enough to elicit sympathy from me. I had heard the man lambaste and demean her to a detestable and unnecessary degree, all while holding her to impossible expectations. Sabrina had strived endlessly to meet them, even after her marriage.

But none of it ever seemed enough for Mr. Perry, and he used Sabrina like a pawn.

She, in turn, used me like one.

"Daughter." Mr. Perry's gruff voice filled the drawing room, and despite Sabrina's station, he made no effort to acknowledge the title she bore. Sabrina curtsied, and I followed suit, though the man spared me little more than a passing glance.

"Father," said Sabrina. "I was not expecting you."

The man harrumphed and straightened his thick wool coat. "I came to ensure Mr. Davis has fulfilled his end of our bargain and to check on your progress. I confess I am not happy I needed to make the journey, but after your last letter, I sensed a waver in your resolve. I could not allow it, not when you are this close."

Waver in her resolve? I glanced at Sabrina, and she met my gaze briefly. She had never ceased her scheming while at Fallborn, but I had noticed a decline in her efforts, or perhaps in her determination. I had not questioned it, so great had been my relief, but now I wondered at the reason. That she had written to her father about it was surprising, indeed.

Mr. Perry glanced around the room, his nose slightly wrinkled as if he thought Fallborn's outdated decor smelled like the stables. "Where are the gents? I presume they are here?"

"The men are about," I said when Sabrina remained silent. "My cousin is likely in the library. As for Mr. Davis and Lord Emerson, they typically take a ride in the morning. I'm certain they will return soon."

As if to assure my statement were true, a familiar voice carried from the foyer. Moments later, Lord Emerson appeared in the doorway, but instead of Mr. Davis for company, he entered with my sister on his arm. Why was Grace with him?

The question was quickly forgotten when I noted Grace's carefully placed footsteps. She was favoring her uninjured leg, which could only mean pain accompanied her steps.

"What are you doing out of bed?" I rushed forward and placed a hand on her shoulder, stopping their progress.

Grace glared at me. "Really, Amelia. I am well enough to take a short stroll. You mustn't fuss over me so."

I tilted my head, my tone chiding. "You are recovering, and a short stroll could hinder that."

"I cannot stay cooped up inside for weeks on end. I will go mad. Books are wonderful, but sometimes one must look for biscuits elsewhere."

"Biscuits? What in the heavens are you talking about?"

Grace swatted at the air and released Lord Emerson's arm. "Never mind that. I had an enjoyable walk out of doors. That is all that matters."

I looked to Jame—Lord Emerson for clarity, and he passed me a small smile before turning to watch my sister limp her way to the settee and collapse onto the cushions.

His brows furrowed with concern. "Will she be well?" he asked in a whisper. "I forgot…I should not have taken her out and encouraged her to walk on her injury."

"Do not worry yourself over it," I said. "She would have found her way outside with or without you. At least she had you for support."

My reassurance did not seem to appease him, but our conversation came to an end when Mr. Perry stepped forward, giving Lord Emerson a slight bow. "Emerson, it is good to see you."

The muscles along James's jaw clenched. "Is it? "

The room settled into silence, an invisible tension filling every inch of empty space. I wondered if this was the first time James had seen Mr. Perry since the man's daughter jilted him. An awkward reunion, to be certain.

"What brings you to Fallborn?" James asked politely, though there was a subtle edge to his tone.

"Business with Mr. Davis, and of course, I wished to see my Sabrina." He turned to look at his daughter, a forced smile on his lips. Sabrina dropped her gaze, her brows puckered. No one who knew them well would believe such faux sentiments.

"I am afraid Mr. Davis has taken his mother into town," said James. "They will return in an hour or so. Your business will have to wait, though as you can see, I am here. That ought to be sufficient confirmation, no?"

Mr. Perry's eyes narrowed. "Told you, did he? Well, I guess I never forbade him otherwise."

"You did not, and I expect you to honor your word, regardless of the outcome of this house party." James stepped closer to the man, his eyes full of a fire I had never seen. He lowered his voice, though I still heard every word. "I have already made it clear to your daughter that I will entertain no notion of marriage between us. That ship sailed long ago."

Mr. Perry scoffed. "Devastated you so deeply you will no longer consider marriage? What sort of man places so much value in the fickleness that is a woman's affections? You could have a duchess, not to mention a substantial increase in your coffers with my help."

James's lips twitched. "I never said I had no intention of marrying. In fact, I'm rather hopeful I will leave this house party an engaged man." His eyes flicked to me and stayed there long enough for his message to be received. Long enough to stop my heart for a moment. "Some of us value more than wealth and title when it comes to whom we wish to spend our lives with, no matter their past. No matter their pedigree."

My breath hitched. The Earl of Emerson intended to propose. To me .

Despite his title and my lack of one. Despite our past. And, more importantly, despite my parentage.

The room spun, and my legs threatened to give out beneath me. He knew . James knew I was illegitimate. How could he have possibly discovered the truth? Sabrina was the only one at Fallborn aware of my secret, and I couldn't imagine why she would give up her one bargaining piece.

Then again, that wasn't entirely true either. There was one other person who knew everything, or one something, rather.

My diary.

I'd assumed Sabrina had gotten her hands on it, but was it possible that it had fallen into James's possession? My stomach tossed, and I swallowed to keep the contents within down. I might die if the earl read my diary. There were too many details within those pages—too many confessions.

Too much about him .

My face grew hot, and the dizziness intensified. Voices spoke my name, but they sounded muffled. Distant. Each breath I took was short and constrained, and my vision blurred. I closed my eyes and focused my thoughts on each inhale. Each exhale.

"Her color is returning now." The deep tone of James's voice washed over me, and my eyes flew open. Warmth spread over my back and shoulders, and I realized I was in his arms. I was in the Earl of Emerson's arms! I could not decide whether the idea was more dream or nightmare. Had I swooned? I must have given the way he stared down at me with concerned, cool blue eyes.

"We should take her upstairs," another voice said. I turned to see Rowe situated on my other side. When had he arrived in the drawing room? My nose scrunched. And why did he smell of horses? My cousin had not ridden since we arrived at Fallborn, secreting himself in his room or the library more often than not.

"I am quite well." I sat up a little too quickly and had to close my eyes for another moment so the spinning would cease. James's arm was still wrapped around my back, his hand resting on my shoulder. I could feel his breath on my cheek, so close that he was.

"You need to rest," said Rowe.

"Agreed." James's arm tightened around me, and he shifted as if to slip the other beneath my knees.

"Enough of that." I pushed against his solid chest, and my cheeks flushed with another wave of heat. "I do not need to rest. I was merely overwhelmed. "

"Which is why you need rest." The earl shifted again, and this time I swatted his arm.

"Really, James. I am fine."

His mouth curled, and only then did I realize my mistake. I had called him by his Christian name, the very thing I'd insisted I would not do, and he looked absolutely smug about it.

Drat him.

"Do not look at me like that," I snapped.

His grin grew. "How am I looking at you?"

"Like…like…" My hands waved through the air as if that would disperse my frustration while simultaneously granting me an answer. "Like a grinning baboon!"

James cocked his head, a twinkle in his eyes that made his already attractive face radiant. "Do baboons grin?"

My lips fought a smile. "Of course they do."

"I'm certain they do not," said Grace. She stood nearby, her expression a mixture of concern and amusement. "Perhaps she meant buffoon? Head injuries can cause confusion."

"Head injury?" I said incredulously. "I never hit my head."

At least, I was quite certain I hadn't. I didn't exactly recall how I'd come to be on the floor. In any event, the last thing I needed was the earl carrying me from the room, especially with so many people to witness.

I glanced past the men to where Sabrina stood. She was watching us carefully, but to my surprise, I saw no fury in her eyes. She had heard everything—heard me address James informally and listened to our exchange. Worse, she had likely heard him say he intended to propose…and not to her.

The thought of what she might do in response sent a chill through me, and I shuddered.

I gasped as my body was lifted into the air, and my hands whipped to grasp a waistcoat. To my relief, the smell of horses wafted over me, and I rested my head against Rowe's chest once we vacated the room.

"You did not hit your head," he whispered, the words breathless as we ascended the stairs. "Lord Emerson caught you before you met the floor. But you staying in that room was doing no one any favors."

I nodded against him, grateful for my cousin's intuition. "Thank you. "

Once inside my bedchamber, Rowe closed the door behind us with his boot and then sat me on my bed. Part of me wished to rest, but I knew I would never manage it, not with how everything inside me squirmed. Sabrina could be revealing my secret right now. What would everyone think? Would I be cast from society? Would Grace?

Would James still care for me?

I drew in a shaky breath and slowly released it. James knew, and while that did not set me at ease, it did ground me. The information hadn't caused him to treat me any differently.

"You look better already," said Rowe, taking a seat next to me. "Your head may be fine, but I was beginning to worry you would faint again."

"I might have, should I have stayed. Thank you for getting me out of there."

He nodded, and while he said nothing more, I could sense he held a multitude of questions of his own. Rowe had always been a trustworthy figure in my life. Even as children I had preferred him over his siblings simply for the fact that he had a calm, sturdy presence about him. His twin brother, Russel, was more reckless and teasing, and Jack…well, Jack had a penchant for trouble that was unmatched by anyone I knew. Then there was Annette, who was a year my junior and more inclined to chase her brothers through the mud than spend time with me. Bridget, the youngest, had still been in the nursery.

So, I had spent a great deal of time in the library with Rowe, as had Grace. I knew him so well, he might as well have been born a Scott. It was why Papa had entrusted the estate and his daughters and wife to the man's care.

It was why I trusted him.

Just not enough to tell Rowe my secret.

My heart pinched with the thought, and no matter how I tried to justify it, there was truth to those words. I claimed to trust Rowe Apsley, and yet I had not come to him when I most needed his assistance. I had not told him the truth nor asked for his advice. As my guardian, he should have been informed.

Why, then, had Papa not told him?

I would never have an answer, but I did have a choice, here and now. I could continue to bury my past—my mother's mistake—or I could risk divulging the truth and trust that Rowe would keep my confidence .

"Rowe," I whispered, shifting on the bed to face him. "There's something I need to tell you."

His brows puckered, and with the sunlight coming from my window, their reddish tint showed through. "Is it in regards to Her Grace—to what she's been threatening you with?"

"You know?"

Rowe slid his gloved hand through his hair and sighed. "I don't know anything for certain. That is what frustrates me. Lord Emerson has—"

"The earl told you?" I stood and pivoted to face him. "What has he said?"

One of Rowe's brows raised, and his lips tugged to one side, revealing his dimple. "Only his suspicions. The two of you seem awfully close, by the way. Using one another's name, flirting.

"I do not flirt with Jam—Lord Emerson."

"Right. It is normal for acquaintances to call one another grinning baboons. Clearly I spend far too much time in the library to have missed learning that particular societal nicety."

"That is not…it hardly matters. We are deviating from the topic at hand." I sat back down on the bed. "What suspicions has he mentioned?"

Rowe's expression sobered. "He said that the duchess has threatened to tell everyone you are illegitimate. Which, of course, is ridiculous. Your parents were madly in love. Your father an honorable man."

My heart pounded. James knew the truth. How he had come by the information was a matter I would need to explore later. For now, Rowe deserved my attention. He deserved to know everything. "My parents were not always madly in love, Rowe. Their marriage was arranged. They hardly knew one another before their wedding."

Rowe's eyes widened, and they searched my face for a long moment. "Are you saying…are you saying it is true ? That you're…?"

"Yes. It's true. Papa told me right before we went to London for my first Season."

Rowe stood and began pacing my room, his brows drawn and frustration lining his features. "How could your father not have told me something so important?" He stopped pacing and looked at me. "How could you not have told me? Do you not trust me, Amelia? "

The question stabbed at my heart. "I do, and I should have told you sooner. I was afraid, Rowe. Not just of people learning the truth, but of how I would be perceived by everyone I cared about. I had lost Papa. I didn't wish to lose anyone else. You know as well as I do how Society shuns people like me."

Rowe crossed the room and kneeled in front of me. At this height I stared straight into his green eyes and found no ire in them. No judgment. He took both of my hands gently in his. "I am not Society . I would never shun you, especially for something beyond your control. You are right that many in the ton will look down upon your circumstances, but you have family who will always love you, Amelia." His mouth tipped up on one side, allowing his dimple to reappear. "And I suspect a suitor who will as well."

My cheeks heated. "You believe he will not care that I am not a gentleman's daughter? He is an earl, after all. I am already so far beneath him."

"You, dear cousin, are beneath no one. Any man should be happy to make you his wife."

I shook my head, but a smile pulled through. "You are biased, Rowe Apsley, but I thank you all the same. I was unaware you could be so charming. Someday, you are going to make a woman very happy."

He laughed at that. "Perhaps if I stumble upon a willing lady in a library. That will be the only place I manage to charm anyone into matrimony. I despise socializing, as you rightly know."

"Yet you are at a house party."

"Indeed, but I came for you, and for Grace. The two of you are my concern, first and foremost. I will be content putting all my effort into ensuring your happiness and forestalling my own marital bliss." He paused and squeezed my hands. "Lord Emerson has asked for my blessing, you know."

I did not know, and my face must have said as much.

Rowe chuckled. "Did the man not make his intentions clear enough in the drawing room? I suspect Mr. Perry and Her Grace are quite upset about his declaration."

My head spun, but this time the sensation was not entirely unwelcome. I felt as though I would lift into the air and dance among the clouds. Lord Emerson wished to marry me. James wanted me. It was a dream I never believed possible, and yet …

"I cannot accept him," I whispered. "Sabrina will never allow something between us. She wants him too desperately, and it is Grace who will ultimately pay the price."

"If you think your sister would want to kill the possibility of a real life romance unfolding before her eyes, all to protect her reputation, then you don't know her at all." Rowe pushed himself from the floor and stood in front of me. "Do you love the earl? Does he make you happy? I refused to offer him my blessing until I knew for certain."

"Yes," I squeaked, battling tears. No man could replace my father as my protector, but Rowe came quite close. "I have loved Lord Emerson for some time. I think I would be very happy with him."

"Then consider his proposal. Forget about everyone else, and do what is right for you. This is your decision."

Could I? I had spent over a year following Sabrina's orders all to protect my family. Grace's reputation would be tarnished, and Mama would likely be shunned. How could I live with that? How could I chase my own happiness, knowing that it would destroy someone else's?

"I understand your hesitation," said Rowe gently. "But you cannot throw away your chance at love simply because you are afraid to face the demons who stand in your way. Do you intend to play prisoner to the duchess for the rest of your life?"

"No. I had planned to hold on until Grace has married. Then she will have a husband who's name can protect her. Then, the rumors will not matter as much."

"And if Grace doesn't marry for years? What if, in the meantime, the duchess asks you to do something truly horrid? Are you prepared to take that risk, to compromise your character?"

Tears pricked at my eyes. I had already done so in delivering Sabrina's letter to James. I had done so every time I helped her sneak away with the former duke. James would never marry Sabrina. Who would she attempt to ensnare in his place? Would I be forced to repeat the last eighteen months over and over until Grace married?

What if, heaven forbid, she never married? Had she not told me she expected to become a spinster?

"Whatever you decide," said Rowe, "just know that I will be there to support you. As will Grace. Your mother. My family will not cast you aside, but this is your decision to make. For what it's worth, I hope you will choose yourself , Amelia. Don't let the duchess trap you forever. You deserve to be free and happy, but you cannot have either without facing her."

I swallowed against the lump in my throat and nodded.

Rowe passed me one final, small smile. "Perhaps try to rest. I will see you at dinner."

"Thank you," I said meekly. "For everything."

He nodded once and vacated the room, leaving me with silence but for the chaos of my thoughts. Could I face Sabrina? Could I truly stand up to her and take back my freedom? Such an action would have consequences, but was I not already playing with fire? Sabrina could choose to ruin me at any moment. Who was to say all the effort I had put into preventing that wasn't for nothing?

You deserve to be free and happy, but you cannot have either without facing her.

Rowe was right, but at what cost would my freedom and happiness come?