11. Chapter 11

Chapter eleven

Amelia

R idiculous. My heart should not beat so erratically simply because Lord Emerson offered me his arm. He was a gentleman, and I would not have expected anything less of him. It meant nothing that he escorted me, not when Sabrina had taken Mr. Davis's arm as she'd planned.

Lord Emerson had been left to escort either me or Mrs. Davis, and the latter was much too independent to hold onto a man's arm, given the way she preceded us all down the garden path, encouraging us to keep up with the pace she set. Behind the earl and me, Rowe walked with Grace, and I wondered whether Lord Emerson would have preferred to escort my sister. He had, after all, requested her as his dinner companion every night since we'd arrived.

A twinge of jealousy pricked at my stomach, and I reminded myself that the earl had taking particular notice of my sister was a good thing. I could think of no man better suited for my sister. He would treat her with the utmost respect and strive to make her happy. What more could I want?

To have him for yourself , my mind whispered.

I quickly chided it for the selfish thought.

As instructed, I had positioned the earl and myself behind Sabrina and Mr. Davis, following them through the gardens with just enough distance that their conversation could not easily be overheard. Sabrina's laughter trailed behind them, high-pitched and forced. I could not believe she would think anyone would find such an obnoxious sound genuine. In addition, she continually touched his shoulder and added extra sway to her gait.

"Is your mother in good health?"

I started at Lord Emerson's soft spoken question, and he chuckled in response. "Forgive me. I did not mean to interrupt your observations." He nodded ahead of us to Sabrina and Mr. Davis. "It is rather curious, is it not?"

"Curious?" I asked.

"Yes. That Sabrina would jump at the chance to have his escort. They were never particularly good friends, even during our courtship."

No, they had not been. Sabrina had seen Mr. Davis as beneath her notice then. That belief would have only deepened since she'd acquired a title, but I understood the reasoning behind Sabrina's actions. I knew of her schemes.

"I suppose that does make her behavior curious," I said. "Unless one knows her well. It is rather obvious."

Lord Emerson lifted a brow. "Obvious? Please, do inform me, then. For I cannot understand it, and I had thought I knew her well enough."

Did I dare? Lord Emerson would never consider Sabrina for courtship again. He had made that clear to me, and I suspected to Sabrina, given her recent irritation, but could I risk telling him the truth? If Sabrina discovered that I had so much as hinted at her plan, my reputation would suffer, and Grace's by default.

"You needn't tell me if you do not wish to," said Lord Emerson. "I can see you are weighing the benefits carefully. Or perhaps the consequences."

"Am I so obvious?" I asked teasingly, peering up at him from beneath my bonnet. "How have you come to read me so well?"

"I have been watching you, remember? And it is only obvious because you get a line between your brows when you are thinking so deeply. Just here." He tapped the spot between his own brows. "It is quite charming."

"Charming? You tease me."

"I assure you, my words are sincere," he said, though his tone still held a fair amount of amusement. "But I must correct you. I said quite charming. You are more than the average sort of charming."

Good heavens .

"I never took you as a flirt when we were in London, my lord, but I do begin to wonder if my observational skills have failed me. Even when you were courting Sabrina you never teased her so."

"Did I not?" He seemed to genuinely contemplate my statement. "No, I suppose I didn't. She constantly had the attention of everyone in the room, and I think I feared teasing her to any degree might put her off." He shook his head with a wry smile. "I might have saved myself a great deal of trouble had I simply done a bit of teasing."

"I'm not certain it would have changed things," I said, lowering my voice more despite the increasing distance between us and the object of our discussion. "When Sabrina wants something, it takes a great deal to stop or persuade her otherwise. At the time, she wanted you."

"Hardly. She wanted a title and money, but I do see your point." He paused, studying me long enough to increase my sense of self awareness.

What did he see when he looked at me? Sometimes I felt like nothing more than a flower, one that had yet to blossom among a larger patch of full petals, and other times I was merely Sabrina's minion, ordered to do whatever she fancied. Of the two, I preferred the former, but I'd never had the opportunity to be anything else.

Only once had I wished to be a diamond of the first water—to be seen, adored, and sought after—and that moment happened to coincide with the one in which Lord Emerson had first sought an introduction with Sabrina. I had never been more jealous of another woman, wishing I possessed the ability to catch the attention of a man as handsome as the earl. Wishing he saw me.

"She had a purpose for me," said Lord Emerson, his voice more hushed. "I could give her what she wanted most. I was ignorant of her schemes then, but I am not so blind now. Not so blind to see that you do not welcome her company. That you are, forgive me for being blunt, here against your will, so to speak."

I swallowed. I had always admired his intelligence, but it was rather inconvenient at the moment. Why did he have to see me now ? The man made me feel like a window, transparent and incapable of hiding anything.

I shifted my attention forward at the sound of Sabrina's laugh. The duchess glanced over her shoulder, and upon seeing Lord Emerson's gaze on them, grinned. Heavens, but she was obvious in her designs .

"If it helps your decision," said Lord Emerson, "you can trust that whatever you tell me will stay between us. I have come to think of you as something of an ally, Miss Scott. A friend, even. I would not betray any confession to the duchess."

His words echoed through my mind, each one in need of analysis. Ally, friend, confession—they excited and thrilled me to even degrees. I could not have Lord Emerson in the way my heart wanted, but to have him as an ally and friend? The notion sparked warmth within me, only to be doused by the word confession .

I believed he would keep my secrets. I had spent too much time watching and listening to him in London to think otherwise. The earl was a good man, and I could trust him, especially in this regard. But I could not reveal my secrets to him. Trust that he would not divulge them, yes, but it would likely change his opinion of me. I'd never had the opportunity to be on such close terms with him, despite how much time I'd spent in his presence, and the idea of losing it now…

I could not take the risk, not when the confession would do nothing to change my predicament.

"She thinks to make you jealous," I said, hoping he would forget his more recent line of questioning. "Sabrina."

A hint of disappointment crossed his features, but it was gone in an instant. "Jealous? Of what, her and Gregory? It would never work between them, but regardless, did I not make myself clear enough? I told her I would never court her again."

"I imagine you did make yourself clear," I answered, though the man was likely speaking more to himself than looking for affirmation from me. "Sabrina is never deterred so easily. It will take more than a conversation for you to be free of her."

"I am free of her," he argued.

"In a sense," I agreed. "But she still has some hold over you. Your reaction upon our arrival proved as much."

"Ah, yes. You believe forgiveness is the key to my shackles."

His teasing tone drew a laugh from me. "Yes, I do still believe that, but as you are not inclined to agree let us speak now of freedom from Sabrina's pursuit. "

Lord Emerson lifted a low hanging branch out of our path with his arm, allowing me to walk beneath before following. "Pray, what do you suggest? I am at my wit's end with how to convince her."

He stared straight ahead, glaring at Sabrina's back. Sunlight traced his freshly-shaven jawline, but his eyes and nose were nearly lost to the shadows cast by the trees overhead, making his expression appear sterner than it otherwise would be. The contrast between light and dark did nothing but enhance his handsome appearance.

"Would you like my honest opinion?" I asked.

"I would." He answered immediately, shifting his focus on me, an earnest look in his eyes.

Was it better to ease into my opinion or state it with abandon? I did not converse so openly with those I was close to, let alone a man who…well, who I had no business being open with.

But his eyes pleaded with me, working to dispel my worries until I was convinced into speaking. Into trusting. "I fear you will not be free of her until you have married. Or she finds another titled gentleman to pursue."

Lord Emerson blinked a few times before a slow smile lifted his lips. "Is this your way of offering yourself as a candidate, or are you suggesting we work together to find Sabrina another man to marry?"

Heat seared my cheeks. I withdrew my arm from around his and put an extra foot of space between us. My gaze settled on the grass and wildflowers bordering the path as we continued to walk, and I hoped my bonnet would hide the redness surely coloring my face. "That is not…I was not trying to—"

I gasped when Lord Emerson stole my hand and brought it back to his arm, tugging me toward him as he did so. I nearly stumbled, steadying myself with both hands on his coat sleeve. He tucked my arm between his own and his side, tightly as if to ensure I didn't attempt to remove myself from him again.

"Worry not, Miss Scott." He grinned down at me with a smile that tripled the speed of my heart. "I never believed that was your intention, and as for the latter? Well, I have too much of a conscience to sentence any man to those figurative gallows."

"Do you think so lowly of marriage? Have your failed engagements…" I could not finish the question. It was impertinent even for an ally or friend. But I wanted to know where he stood. For Grace's sake, of course.

I glanced over my shoulder. She and Rowe were falling farther behind, but I could still make out her slight wince each time she took a step. Her pain had lessened over the last week, or so she said, but I still worried. Excursions like this always took their toll on Grace, and I wondered how she would fare in London. Her ailment prevented her from doing so many things, and Grace had a tendency to push through her pain when she shouldn't, leaving it worse than before.

If I could help her find a husband—perhaps even match her with Lord Emerson—then her reputation would be secure should Sabrina decide she no longer needed me. There was the added benefit, too, that Grace would not have to parade about Town on her old injury.

"You are thinking deeply again," said Lord Emerson. "That line is back."

This time, his hand lifted to my face, and he rubbed his thumb over the spot he'd previously indicated on his own forehead, smoothing away my pinched expression. The touch was soft and tender, and I shivered in response. It required all of my focus to keep my feet moving, to pretend that small gesture had not confounded my every thought.

His hand dropped suddenly, as if he realized what he was doing and how such an intimate touch might be interpreted. He cleared his throat, staring forward again. "To answer your question, Miss Scott. Yes, my view on marriage has certainly been altered. I'm sure you are aware that I have proposed twice now in less than two years and both times suffered a blow to my pride. The second did not break me as the first did. I proposed a marriage of convenience specifically because of my experience with Sabrina. It is interesting that the result was the same, though my heart came out far more intact, at least."

"I am sorry you had to go through that. Both times. It cannot have been easy, and I would not blame you for not wishing to ever place yourself in that situation again."

To my surprise, he laughed. "Indeed, I had not intended to so soon, but life rarely goes how we anticipate. Our resolve constantly tested." He looked down at me, and I felt the weight of his blue eyes, the intensity as heavy as the waves pressing against the shore. "I find my resolve to put off courtship for a time being tested, Miss Scott. Every day the idea appeals to me more."

His resolve was being tested? He had stated more than once he had no intention of considering Sabrina. Did that mean he had taken a fancy to my sister?

My gaze wandered over my shoulder to Grace and Rowe. Grace possessed dark features like Sabrina. She was beautiful and kind, so it should have come as no surprise that she would capture the earl's attention.

Another pang of jealousy nipped at my stomach, but I fought it down. Lord Emerson would make a great match for her, and I could be content with the prospect. I was content. Had that not been one of my objectives all along?

"It is brave of you to consider marriage at all," I said quietly. "After such experiences as you've had, many would not."

"Perhaps, but I have concluded that I can look at my history in one of two ways: as evidence of experiences that are not worth the risk of repeating, or as opportunities to learn. To grow. Just because I did not find success before does not mean that marriage is not worth pursuing. Even after my engagement to Sabrina ended, I never planned to toss the idea aside completely. I needed time to recover, certainly, but giving up on finding a companion who I could share a life of mutual respect with was not a consideration."

"And you've kept that perspective even after your engagement with Lady Keswick ended?"

His twinkling eyes betrayed his amusement, as though he found my surprise entertaining. "I have, with some adjustment, of course. I've learned I must give myself time to make a proper decision. Be open with the lady about my expectations and willing to listen to hers. I had no longer intended to marry for love, but I did wish for whomever I choose to be happy with the arrangement. For us both to be happy."

I lifted my chin to see beyond the edges of my bonnet and meet his gaze more fully. How could Sabrina have refused this man? He was everything expected of a gentleman, but there was also a depth to him that I'd not seen among the ton in London. How I admired him for his perseverance, for pushing through his trials and not allowing them to hinder what he wanted in life .

When Sabrina had revealed she knew my secret, I'd given up any fantasy I had of marrying, resigning myself to spinsterhood. What man would want me with such a tainted past, even if it were not within my control? I had no doubt Sabrina would reveal the truth eventually, and once she had…well, no gentleman would spare me a glance then.

There was a chance, I supposed, of finding a man willing to marry me for convenience, but I wasn't sure I could bring myself to such an arrangement nor did I have anything to truly entice someone into such a thing. I wanted to marry for love, but that choice had been stolen from my grasp by the duchess.

My brows furrowed. The choice had been taken from me but not from the earl. "You do not plan to marry for love?"

"I had made the decision against it," he said with a wry smile. "You call me brave, but the truth is, I am a coward. I feared putting my heart through such vulnerability a second time."

"Feared?" I repeated. "You say that as though you have reconsidered."

He studied me for a moment, his blue eyes wandering over my face. If he only knew how vulnerable I felt when he did that. Was he searching for something? Judging me for the numerous freckles that dotted my face? He would not be the first.

"As I said before, Miss Scott, life has a tendency to test our resolve. This is yet another way in which I find myself being challenged."

And surely I imagined the brief drop of his gaze to my lips.