17. RAE

17

RAE

T he fluorescent lights of the clinic buzzed softly overhead, casting a sterile glow on the white walls and tiled floors. I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. All that happened was it became a knot in my stomach.

I sat on the examination table, my hands trembling as I clutched the edges. The past few days had been crazy, and I was emotionally and physically drained. I could close my eyes and sleep for a month, it felt like. But the fear that I might lose the baby pumped adrenaline through my veins and stopped me from breathing easy that it was all over.

Tanner stood next to me, an anchor in the storm that raged inside me. He’d come to find me. He’d come to save me. I’d thought he didn’t want to be with me, that all of this was too much.

I’d been sure that I’d lost him all over again. But he was right here now, as if he was an apparition of some kind. But he was real. He held my hand, his grip firm and unwavering. He wasn’t letting go, no matter what.

The nurse moved around us, taking my vitals and preparing for the few tests they could run at this small clinic. If whatever was wrong was more than they could deal with, they would have to send me to Kalispell, but I didn’t know if I had what it took.

“Try to relax, Rae,” the nurse said kindly, her voice calm. “Stress can have a big impact on a pregnancy, but we’ll do everything we can to make sure you and the baby are okay.”

I nodded, taking a deep breath and trying to steady my nerves. Tanner squeezed my hand.

The nurse stepped out, leaving us alone for a moment.

I took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds to try to manage my panic, and let it out slowly again.

“Are you okay?” Tanner asked.

I shook my head. “What if something’s wrong?” I whispered. “What if…” I couldn’t even say the words.

It had been such a shock to find out I was pregnant. Hell, I hadn’t even had a chance to take a test, but there was no doubting it now. It had been a shock… but losing the baby was terrifying. I didn’t know what it was, but I wanted this baby. It was a part of me. And a piece of Tanner. A life growing inside me.

I didn’t want to lose that.

“We’ll face it together, Rae,” Tanner said, his voice deep, his eyes locked on mine. “No matter what happens.”

I swallowed hard. “Do you mean that? You’re not leaving again?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said.

I looked into his eyes, trying to find the truth. I’d thought he and I were a sure thing once upon a time, too. And then he’d left.

“I won’t be able to handle it if I lose you again, Tanner,” I admitted. “I’m not strong enough to recover again.” There, the words were out. I couldn’t try to be strong and act like I didn’t need him anymore.

I needed him like I needed the air I breathed. He had always been my everything, and now more than ever, I needed that stability.

Before he could answer me, the door opened, and the doctor walked in. He wore a white coat and a reassuring smile, a clipboard pinned under his arm.

“We’ve reviewed your initial tests,” he said, looking at me. “It appears that your symptoms are stress related. The baby is fine, Rae. But you need to take it easy and avoid any more stress. It’s still a long road ahead for you.”

I blinked at the doctor. “Everything is okay? You’re sure?”

“We’re going to want to see you in a couple of weeks just to check up on you, and if you feel anything in the meantime I want you to come to us right away. The hospital is still an option, and I don’t want to take any chances. But right now… yeah. I’m sure. Everything looks fine.”

I let out a breath of relief, my body sagging after I’d fought to stay upright for so long. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes. “Thank you, Doctor,” I breathed.

The doctor nodded, giving us a few more instructions before leaving us alone again. The room fell into silence again, the tension easing from my shoulders.

The baby was okay.

We were going to be okay.

Tanner turned to me, pulling a chair closer and he sat down so that he looked up at me.

“Rae, there’s something I need to tell you.”

My stomach twisted again.

Oh God, here it comes. He’s going to leave again. He’s saying goodbye.

“Tanner, I can’t.”

“Just listen. I need to tell you the truth.”

I stared at him, willing him not to leave me, willing him to say anything other than that I wasn’t good enough.

He took a deep breath, his eyes turned down, and I could see the war inside him etched on his face. He wasn’t hiding anything from me now.

“The reason I left…” He swallowed hard, and my heart beat in my throat. “It wasn’t because I didn’t care about you. It was because I thought it was the only way to protect you, to keep you safe.”

I frowned. “That doesn’t make any sense. Protect me from what?”

Tanner’s grip on my hand tightened, and his hazel eyes found mine, filled with so much pain my heart ached for him.

“From me.” His voice broke. “I was involved in something terrible, Rae. I set up a meeting for Vito, and it ended in the deaths of an entire family. Including…” He hesitated, and his hand trembled on mine. “Including a child.”

I sucked in my breath.

His eyes were misty now. “I didn’t know. You should know that. I would never have set anything up if I knew… but it was still my fault. I told Vito that I was done, and he threatened to kill me. Because of everything I knew, because of how deep I was into all that shit.”

“Tanner…” I started.

“I had my head so far up his ass, I didn’t get it until that night. I didn’t realize what I was doing, what a monster I’d become. I had to get out of there, Rae. I had to run, and I couldn’t let him do something to you. He put his men on me, and if I even went home, they would have found you… so I didn’t go home. I left.”

My heart ached at his words, the pain in his eyes, his words echoing the pain I’d felt then, too. I’d thought he’d left me because of me, because I wasn’t good enough. Now, it turned out it was the other way around. “Oh, Tanner…”

“I’m a piece of shit, Rae. I’m no good. A monster.”

Tears rolled over my cheeks. I cried for me. And I cried for him.

“You’re not a monster,” I said softly. “Tanner, you didn’t know. You couldn’t have known.”

“I should have,” he said, his voice filled with self-loathing. “I should have done more to prevent it.” He scrubbed his hands down his face and took a shuddering breath.

I shook my head, reaching for him to cup his face in my hands. “You can’t blame yourself for what happened. You were trying to do your job. And you left to protect me. That’s what matters. That you’re good .”

“There’s nothing good about me,” he said, and he sounded so broken I couldn’t bear it.

“If you didn’t have a heart, a conscience, you would have stayed and kept doing that work for Vito. You wouldn’t have run, and you wouldn’t have looked after me, protecting me so that he wouldn’t get to me. I wish I’d known, wish I could have been there for you, but…” As if all the darkness of the past suddenly faded now that he’d told me, the pain lifted from me, too. “I understand why you did.”

He looked into my eyes, his own filled with tears. “Can you ever forgive me?”

“I already have,” I said softly. “And you need to forgive yourself, too. You did what you thought was best, and that’s all anyone can ask.”

I took his hand and pulled him so that he would stand. When he was right in front of me, Tanner pulled me into his arms. “I love you, Rae. I want to do life with you. You and the baby. I don’t want to run from myself anymore. And I won’t ever do anything to ever lose you again. I can’t live without you.”

“I love you, too, Tanner,” I whispered against his shoulder. “And I want a life with you. All of it. The good and the bad. We’ll face it together.” I pulled away and looked into his eyes. “It’s better together, you know. We’ll be a team. We’ll work together and take on whatever comes next.”

He swallowed hard and nodded before he stroked his fingers through my hair. His eyes locked on mine, and he kissed me, his lips tender. I sighed into his mouth when he slipped his tongue into mine.

Could this be real? Was it all over?

Finally, I was ready to believe that I was safe. We had been through so much alone, fighting our own battles and our own demons. But we had found our way back to each other.

The doctor returned, interrupting us. He grinned, holding a portable ultrasound machine. “We’re going to do a quick scan to check on the baby,” he said, setting up the equipment. “I thought maybe it would be nice to meet the little tyke.”

“Oh, my God,” I said. “Really?”

“Why not?” the doctor asked.

He ordered me to lie back and applied the cold gel to my stomach, and I shivered slightly. “This will help us get a clear image,” he explained, moving the wand over my abdomen.

Tanner was next to me, his hand wrapped around mine. He wasn’t going to let go.

I held my breath, my heart pounding with anticipation. Tanner squeezed my hand, his eyes never leaving the screen. The room was silent except for the soft hum of the machine. Then, a sound filled the room, a rapid, rhythmic thumping that echoed in my ears.

“That’s the baby’s heartbeat,” the doctor said with a smile. “Nice and strong.”

Tears welled up in my eyes as I listened to the sound of our baby’s heartbeat.

“Tanner,” I whispered. “Do you hear that?”

“I hear it, babe,” he said, and his voice was thick with emotion. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever heard.

The doctor showed us the baby, just a little nugget right now, but I fell in love with the gray bean on the screen anyway.

Tanner leaned down and kissed my forehead, and I tangled my fingers in his hair for a second. It was hard to believe that the little thing growing inside me was a combination of me and Tanner.

A little miracle. After all we’d been through, this was the perfect ending.

The doctor finished the scan and handed us a printout of the ultrasound image.

“Everything looks good,” he said, smiling. “You’re about eight weeks along. Congratulations.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” I said.

He nodded with a broad smile, shook Tanner’s hand, and then he left us alone again. It was like he knew we needed all the time together to process what was happening, what we were feeling.

Tanner held the printout, staring at the ultrasound image. The tiny life growing inside me was a miracle, a testament to our love and resilience. I reached up and touched Tanner’s face.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” I said. “I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

“Broken out of that warehouse on your own and fought tooth and nail to freedom, if I know you,” Tanner said with a chuckle. “I’ve seen you fight. Those men didn’t stand a chance.”

I smiled, but he was wrong. I wouldn’t have been able to get out alone.

“You’ll never have to find out what life without me will be like again,” he said. “I’m here to stay.”

I smiled, feeling a sense of hope that I hadn’t felt in a long time. “I love you, Tanner.”

“I love you, too, Rae,” he said, pulling me into his arms again and holding onto me tightly. “And I promise to be the best father I can be.”

We held each other, the ultrasound image clutched between us.