44. Chapter 44

44

I t was four A.M. Soren laid in bed with his arms wrapped tightly around Ilaria as she slept. He was content to listen to her breathing, reassured that she was safe and in his arms.

It shocked him that it was already the next morning. That the horrors that had happened only hours ago had been last night. He was physically, mentally, and emotionally spent, but he wouldn't let himself fall asleep just yet. Not when he had so nearly lost her.

After spending two hours with the police, and after Silas's body had been taken away, Soren and Ilaria had come back to her condo. He had gently led her into the shower to wash the day off, washing her hair and soaping off the dirt and sweat. Ilaria let him, her eyes dazed with exhaustion and pain.

After he quickly washed himself off, he gently dried Ilaria with a fluffy towel and guided her to bed, where he pulled the blanket over them, tucked her in against him, and rested his arm over her. To his relief, she fell asleep almost instantly.

Feeling her warm body pressed up against him gave him a semi-hard erection, but Soren wouldn't have woken her up unless a war was happening outside their window. And even then, he'd have to seriously think about it.

His protective instincts had been truly tested last night. Not only was Ilaria abducted, but she witnessed two more members of her family being killed, after one of them confessed to murdering her parents.

And there was nothing he could have done to prevent it. That was the hard part to accept. Sometimes life brought disaster and death, and he couldn't do anything but be there in the aftermath to help pick up the pieces.

But more than anything, Soren wanted to be there. He wanted to be with Ilaria for all of it—the disaster and death, the teasing and laughter, and everything in between. Life was brighter, louder, and more real when she was around.

What terrified him about everything he had witnessed was that he could relate to both Vincent and Silas. He could recognize himself in both of them. Here were two men who not only believed strongly about what they thought were right but also took steps to control the world around them to protect those beliefs.

And the only difference between Soren and these two men was a small one—that they had gone to a slightly greater extreme than he ever had.

But what about in five years? Ten? Would he eventually find similar justifications to protect his family? To continue to put off his own happiness, to continue to be a martyr, because it was his responsibility to take care of his family? Never mind that it was a self-appointed responsibility, one that his uncle and siblings had never placed on him.

The jarring ring of his phone jolted him out of his thoughts. Soren quickly grabbed the phone to silence the ringer. It was Caelum.

He had a quick debate in his head and decided a conversation with his brother was long overdue. He'd cuddle with Ilaria again once he had talked to Caelum.

He answered the video call. "Hang on, Caelum," he whispered. He tucked the blanket around Ilaria, who hadn't stirred, and then slipped out of the room.

In the kitchen, he answered in a normal voice. "Hi, Caelum." His brother looked like his usual self, rumpled hair and all.

"Sorry, did I wake you?" his brother responded. "What time is it over there, anyway?"

"Only four A.M.," Soren said dryly. "But I was awake. I'm glad you called."

"Oh, oops." Caelum chuckled. "Well, I'm glad you picked up. I saw Uncle Galen come in just a little bit ago. He said he had just come in from Chicago."

"Yeah, he flew in here to take care of some things," Soren confirmed, sparing his brother the details. "Then he decided to fly straight home. He wanted his own bed, he said."

"Huh, that's exactly what he said when he walked in," Caelum laughed.

"How are you feeling?" Soren asked. "I've been worried about you."

"I know," Caelum sighed. "I didn't mean to worry everyone. I guess I just pushed myself a little too hard."

"But you knew you were pushing yourself too hard, didn't you?" Soren asked quietly.

Silence. "Yeah, I did," his brother said. "I thought I could get away with it. I mean, I've been totally fine for over a year."

"Well, you know your body best. And now you know where your limit is." Soren didn't feel like delivering a lecture.

"Uh, yeah, that's true." Caelum paused. "I'll make sure I take care of myself."

"Good."

More silence. "That's it?" Caelum sounded surprised.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, don't you want to lecture me about all the ways I should have been taking care of myself? Berate me for being careless with my health?"

Soren cringed. "I do that, huh?"

"Yes, you do," Caelum said wryly.

"I'm…going to try to stop doing that," Soren said. "You're an adult. You're capable of taking care of yourself."

Caelum made a choking sound. In the video, he stuck a finger in his ear and pretended to clean it out. "I don't think I heard that correctly. Did you say that you were going to leave my life to me?" He leaned in close to the camera and opened his eyes wide.

"Not in exactly those words," Soren said dryly, "but yes. Your life is yours. You need to live it the best way you see fit. Even if it means making your own mistakes."

Caelum's mouth gaped open. "Wow…Uncle Galen needs to send you out of the continent more often."

Soren chuckled.

Caelum's expression grew serious. "I appreciate that. I want to make my own mistakes. I want to figure things out for myself. So do Niema and Arick. We don't want you to always try to solve our problems. You don't—" He paused. "I'm saying this in the nicest way possible. You don't need to parent us anymore. You did a great job, let's be honest. You helped us to be self-sufficient adults. But we need you to be our brother, not our father."

Soren nodded, his throat constricting. "I know. I promise, I'll back off. But I still expect you guys to come to me if you need help."

"Of course we will," Caelum rolled his eyes. "There's no one I'd rather go to if I get into a real jam. But outside of my little hospital stay, we've all been doing really well, you know," Caelum added. "I found a few investment ideas I wanted to run by you that I think could really pay off. Niema's gotten some paid speaking gigs after that trade show she went to. And Arick went on a third date with a girl he met."

Soren lifted his brows. "Third, huh? She must be marriage material."

They both laughed.

"Speaking of dates…" Caelum started. "When was the last time you went on one?"

Soren shook his head. "We're not talking about me."

"Hey, it's a two-way street here," Caelum insisted. "You don't get to interrogate us about our lives and not give us anything about yours."

Soren pinched his lips together. "My…dating life is fine."

"Is it now?" Caelum said wryly. "We want you to be happy too."

"I know. I appreciate that."

At that moment, Ilaria called out, "Soren?"

Caelum's eyes narrowed and then immediately went wide. "Is that Ilaria?" he said in a loud whisper.

Soren groaned inwardly and didn't answer.

Caelum pointed his finger at the screen with a sly grin on his face. "Yes. That was Ilaria. You devil, you." He hooted. "You better go check on her, big brother. Like I said, be happy." He hung up before Soren could get a word in.

Soren shook his head as he walked back into the bedroom. Guess it—whatever "it" was—was no longer a secret.

Ilaria had fallen back asleep, but when he climbed into bed, she rolled over and snuggled her face into his chest. With a deep sigh, he curled his arm around her and fell asleep.

***

Bright light shone on Soren's eyelids as he awoke. He cracked his eyes open, but the light was so dazzling he had to shut them again. He threw an arm across his eyes and tried again, slowly adjusting to the vivid sunlight streaming through the windows.

He immediately looked to the other side of the bed, but it was empty, the bedcovers tossed aside. Damn, Ilaria had gotten up before him. He had wanted to wake before her so he could soothe and soften any jarring memories from the previous night.

Soren checked the time. It was ten A.M. He threw back the covers, pulled on a T-shirt and sweatpants, and padded out to the kitchen. Ilaria was sitting on a barstool with her back to him.

"Hey." He reached out both hands to touch her shoulders and leaned down to give her a kiss on the cheek.

"Morning." Ilaria set down her coffee cup, turned, and gave him a half smile.

Soren took the seat next to her and scanned her face. She was pale, and her eyes still had a touch of dark in the skin beneath them. But they were clear and thoughtful.

"You can stop inspecting me like I'm a fragile doll," she said wryly. "I'm not going to break."

He chuckled and kissed her temple. "If you can joke, then you can't be feeling too badly."

She smiled and rose from the stool. She retrieved another cup from the cabinet, filled it with coffee, and set it down in front of him.

"Thanks, love."

"I'm actually okay," she said, meeting his gaze. "Last night was…shocking. And exhausting. And I wish it hadn't happened quite like it did. But more than anything, I feel relieved. Like all the questions have been answered, and all the problems resolved."

He studied her. "You're amazingly optimistic this morning. And insightful."

Ilaria refilled her own coffee and took a sip, cupping both hands around the mug. "Maybe I'm just making a choice. To move forward whatever the circumstances are."

Soren nodded. He wanted to put his arms around her, but something stopped him.

"Did Galen make it home okay?" she asked, leaning her elbows on the counter.

"Seems so," Soren said, drinking from his mug. "I was talking to Caelum earlier and apparently Galen had just arrived."

"Good. I wish he could have stayed a little longer but I understand why he needed to get back."

He looked at her. "Galen told me last night that he's decided to step down as the head of the family and promote me. I'll be taking over."

Ilaria looked at him, eyes wide, expression pleased. "Soren, that's great. I'm thrilled for you. You deserve it." She gave him a quick squeeze on the hand and then let go.

He wanted to take her hand back and lace his fingers through hers. "Thanks. I'm excited. There's a lot I want to do."

"It sounds like we both have a lot of work to do, then," she replied. She ticked off her fingers. "I need to find whatever paperwork my uncle had at that warehouse. Pay all those people their last paychecks for the work they did. Clear out all the material in the warehouse." She shuddered. "We don't need anyone else experimenting with those ingredients. And check on those girls." Rowan had a social services contact who had taken custody of the teenage girls to get them the help they needed.

She took a deep breath. "And I need to let my family know about Silas and Vincent," she finished quietly.

"I can help you with all that," Soren offered. "I know it's a lot, on top of the everyday business."

A corner of her lip quirked up. "I appreciate that. I really do. But you've helped me so much already. I can't keep asking more from you."

Yes, you can. A dull thudding started in his chest. "I'm happy to help. I want to help."

"I know, Soren, because that's who you are." Ilaria stood up straight. "But I need to do this myself. This is my fresh start." She looked at him. "And you need to get back home. You have an empire to run."

The thudding in his chest got stronger. "Ilaria, I—" His mind was a jumble. "I don't want to leave like this." His teeth clenched. The words weren't coming.

Her brows furrowed slightly. "What do you mean?"

Soren filled his lungs with air and released it in a whoosh. "What happened last night has made me rethink a lot of things. About me. About my expectations for myself and my family." He grimaced at how awkward he sounded. "I was terrified when I found out you were taken. I thought I was going to lose you."

He rubbed his forehead. "I know what I said the other night. But I was…scared." Why was it so difficult for him to admit that? "Scared to let my family take care of themselves for a change. Scared that I might lose everything I've worked so hard for if I didn't have control of every single thing." He paused. "Scared to be with you."

Ilaria blinked for several long moments. "So…you didn't mean what you said the other night?"

He took her hand over the counter. "I'm saying I want to change. I want to be with you. I want us to be together."

Her eyes widened and her breathing quickened. "But how would that work? I mean, you were right. We live on different continents. Our lives aren't compatible."

Soren slid off the bar stool and came around the counter. He grasped her shoulders with his hands. "Ilaria, I love you, okay? I love you. I didn't say it would be easy, but if we really want it we'll make it work."

She stared up at him in shock, and then her eyes filled with tears. "Two nights ago I would have been thrilled to hear you say that."

His heart dropped. "But?" he prompted.

Ilaria stepped back, pulling out of his grasp. "I don't think we can make it work." Anxiety was written all over her face. "I want—" She paced around the kitchen. "I'm not looking for a fling, Soren. I want to get married. I want a husband who's here. With me. My business, my family, is here. You have to be in Scotland." She threw her hands up as if it was obvious.

"Do you love me?"

She looked up at the ceiling, hands on her hips, and didn't answer.

Soren stalked over to her and cupped her face in his hands, forcing her to look at him. "Do you love me?" he demanded.

A tear fell down her cheek. "Yes," she whispered.

"Say it," he demanded again.

"I love you." More tears fell.

"Then we'll figure it out," he ground out. "We'll make it work."

Ilaria brought her hand up to cover his. "I've loved you since we were kids."

He brought his forehead down to hers, his throat tight. "Me too."

They both breathed in each other. Then Ilaria gently removed his hands. "But it's not enough. Love isn't enough."

Soren stared at her, his chest in a vice grip. "It has to be," he growled.

"But it isn't," she said softly.

Anguish nearly crushed him. He stepped back. He had to get out of there. "It is for me. But I'm not going to talk you into anything. If you can't see it, then you're right, it's not going to work."

He walked back into the bedroom to grab the rest of his clothes, barely seeing what he was doing as he stuffed his clothes in his bag. He yanked on his shoes and walked to the front door.

Ilaria came out of the kitchen. "Soren." Her face was filled with sorrow. "I don't want us to leave it like this." She twisted her hands. "Can we…be friends? Stay in touch, at least?"

Soren looked at her for a long while, memorizing her where she stood. Even as his heart was breaking.

"Ilaria, I don't want to be your friend. I want your heart. Your body. Your soul. All of you. So no, I can't be your friend. It's all or nothing for me."

Then he walked out.