Chapter 23

I’m shaking,hoarse, and utterly ruined.

Savage picks me up off the ground and holds me upright. “Hannah,” he croaks. “Hannah, I’m sorry.”

“What for?” I ask, looking up at him.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” he says. “I shouldn’t have disrespected you. I lost control, and I’m sorry.”

“Disrespected me?” I pull back a step. “What is this, the fifties? You made me come like five times.” My throat hurts. “You made me scream. That’s not disrespectful, that was unreal.”

But Savage is shaking his head, and it’s already pissing me off.

“I made you get on your knees,” he says. “That’s not how I wanted something like this to go. I lost control.”

“Yeah, well, so did I. And I wanted to get on my knees.” I blush, because I can’t believe I’m saying these words to Savage, or that we just did what we did. “I wanted all of what happened, and so did you, whether you want to admit it or not.”

“That’s not what I’m saying, Hannah.”

“Oh, I see we’re back to Hannah, are we? Princess is gone?”

Savage pinches the bridge of his nose. “Let’s get you freshened up, and then we can talk about this.”

“Sure.” I strip the sweater off and drop it into the laundry basket in the corner.

Savage grunts. “I’ll give you some privacy.” He turns on the water in the shower, tests it until it’s warm, and then he heads for the bathroom door.

“Seriously? You just came in my mouth.”

“We’ll talk after you’re done.” And I hate the expression he’s wearing, the frown, the way he strokes his beard, shakes his head, like he can’t believe what he’s done. Savage regrets it. I don’t.

I don’t regret finally feeling what it would be like to have him, even just once. And I didn’t get to have him all the way.

Savage shuts the door with a quiet click, and I get into the shower. I scrub myself down, muttering under my breath as I do, sluicing water over my skin. I’m super sensitive, so sensitive that I gasp when I clean myself, but I like it. I like what he’s done to me.

Flashes of what happened come back as I wash myself.

The darkness of his eyes, the fixation on my pleasure, the way he moved me how he wanted to, to get at the parts of me he wanted to touch. There was no hesitation anymore, no regard for anything other than us. Me. He was hyper focused on me, and I’ve never experienced anything like that in my life.

And now, you never will again, because he’s going to pull back.

“Ugh.” I finish up in the shower quickly, dry off, and go out into the main bedroom. I hurriedly throw on my PJ shorts, and spot another sweater that Savage has laid out on the bed for me. I’m not sure if that’s a good sign or not, but I’m actually so done looking for signs.

Now that I’m sure Savage wants me physically, I don’t see why we have to hold back.

This can be just sex until I leave, right? It’s not like we’re going to fall in love and get married.

I exit into the hall and find him in the living room. Savage gets up and nods. He walks past me and out into the hall and the shower turns on a minute later.

I plop down on the sofa and stare at the spot on the floor where Savage just blew my mind.

He doesn’t shower for long, and he returns a minute later, dressed in yet another pair of those cursed sweatpants and a long-sleeved shirt. Savage sits down in his armchair, frowning.

“Hannah,” he says.

“Don’t you dare,” I reply. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear how you regret what we just did. I’m still coming down from it, for God’s sake. And it’s not fair. I’ve spent years pining after you like a lovesick puppy dog, and the minute we touch, you’re going to start acting like it’s the worst thing since… I don’t know, mayonnaise.”

“You don’t like mayonnaise?” Savage pulls a face.

“No, I don’t like mayonnaise. It’s essentially tangy cream. It’s disgusting,” I say. “But that doesn’t matter.”

“You know the French invented mayonnaise.”

“That’s aioli. It’s different. And, oh my God, stop doing that,” I say. “This doesn’t have to be a huge deal. It can be just physical. It can be between us?—”

“I told you, Hannah, you deserve more than just physical.”

“I don’t care what you think I deserve,” I say, shaking my head. “I’m telling you what I want. I want you until I leave, and it doesn’t have to be complicated. It doesn’t have to be about the pieces of your heart that you can’t give me. It can be about just this. And we don’t have to tell Cash, if that’s what’s on your mind.”

He opens his mouth and shuts it again.

“I’m not going to beg you,” I say. “That was amazing for me. I don’t know how it was for you, but I’m not going to beg. I’m being straight with you, because I’m tired of being the person who keeps all her feelings and desires locked up inside.” And a part of that is because of him.

“I don’t want to do anything that’s going to hurt you,” he says. “Hannah, you don’t know me. I am not the type of man you want in your life.”

“Why? Because of the bad stuff you did in this motorcycle club?” I ask.

“Partly. There are other things too. I’m not in control around you, and I don’t fucking like it,” he says.

“You think this is easy for me? To see you all the time. I choked on a mouthful of habanero peppers because of you.”

“Because of me?”

“Yeah.” Why did you tell him that?

He leans forward, bracing his forearms on those muscular thighs, his gaze fixed on me. I don’t know what he’s about to say, but if he wants to keep this distance between us, there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

“I’ve never felt anything like what just happened,” I say. “I guess you weren’t kidding about ruining me. It would suck if we couldn’t keep doing that.”

Savage sits back again, his nostrils flare, his gaze tracks over me.

And his phone rings on the coffee table.

“Wait, your phone!” I point at it. “It’s working.”

Savage grabs the phone and checks the caller ID. “It’s your brother.”

“Right.”

“I have to take this,” he says, and gets up. He moves from the room briskly, and I hear a door open in the hall, the dull hum of him talking.

“Great,” I mutter. “That’s just perfect.” I snatch my phone off the coffee table and open the group chat with the girls, because if there”s a signal, I need to talk to them.

Is anyone out there?

JUNE

Oh my gosh, Han! Are you okay? I’ve been worried sick about you.

I’m fine. Actually, I’m not sure what I am. Let’s just say, I’ve got a lot to talk to you about when this storm finally blows out of town.

BELLE

Ooooh, what’s going on? Is it Savage? Did you bone Savage? Is it finally happening?

LILY

Fill us in!

Marci’s probably asleep or cavorting with my brother, which is for the best, because she’s got a special brand of humor that kind of makes me want to rip my eyes out when it’s directed at me on a bad day.

It’s complicated. I’d rather talk to you guys in person about it.

LILY

That rules me out then.

JUNE

Lily, I wish you’d visit.

BELLE

Me too. Especially because I’m going to be in Heatstroke in about a week.

What????!!!????

BELLE

I know, right? Yeah. But it’s for a really weird reason. And I think it would be better if we talk about it when I get there.

Color me intrigued.

JUNE

Can’t wait to see you, Belle. 3

LILY

You guys have to set up a video call so I can talk to all of you.

I sit back and stare at the texts, and I feel strange. Beyond strange. Because one day ago, I was the obsessed pining girl who was hopelessly obsessed with her brother’s best friend. And now, I’m… I don’t know what I am any more, but I can’t go back to who I was.