13. Calvin

Chapter thirteen

Calvin

I 'd slept heavily, probably because of all the crying I'd done, but I'd woken just before the alarm, turned it off, and managed to slip out from under Saul without waking him. Saul? At some point last night, he'd become Saul. Why?

I headed for the mess in the closet because I intended to clear it up and opened the door. Then just stood and stared at it. All the chocolate had been cleaned up. My throat grew tight because while I had been having hysterics, Saul must have waited until I'd gone to sleep then cleared it up himself, and I wasn't sure how I felt about that. I might as well get in the shower. I was a sticky mess and felt sure I had chocolate dried on my feet.

I closed and locked the bathroom door, knowing he would just walk in if the shower woke him up. I carefully got shaved first, the slight noise of my electric razor barely audible.

I knew I hadn't answered my own question, and as I got in the shower, I also knew I was trying to avoid it, but it was either stress over Saul or the humiliation from last night. It could have been much worse though, and guiltily I remembered the moment Saul had taken a step forward to distract the gunman. I knew he'd done that for me, so why wasn't I still in bed with his warm body pressed up to mine, or doing even better things ?

Because I was a coward.

I couldn't deal with last night yet because I'd originally promised to swap rooms with Chris, so Ricky and I could get ready together, and Chris and his best man, Steven, could do the same. I assumed Chris would go into Steven's room now, and as soon as I was clean, I'd go to Ricky's. He'd arranged breakfast to be in our room and we were going to hang out and drink mimosas, hopefully. Although I knew they'd be virgin mimosas, as Ricky had zero tolerance for alcohol because it was a huge trigger for his asthma. I didn't mind, though. I needed to stay awake through the wedding, then I'd get drunk off my ass later. Then and only then would I let myself deal with yesterday.

I jumped as the door burst open and a rumpled Saul flew into the room. "Calvin?" He came toward me just as I stepped out and grabbed a towel, looking me up and down as if he expected a limb missing or something. I frowned at his entrance and hoped the door wasn't damaged. "Are you all right, baby?" He reached out as if he was going to touch me, but I jerked away.

"Don't." I forced the word out between my lips, shame heating my skin.

He stopped still, nodded, and turned on his heel to walk out, and my belly did a swoop as my heart landed somewhere near my feet. I wasn't being fair. I wasn't frightened of him, but I had the exact same feeling as I had when I saw the suit, but I'd never, ever wear a diaper again. I couldn't. I just had to hold myself together for today, then I could go home and think. I dried myself, then slipped on a robe and walked into the bedroom. Saul wasn't there, but I could hear him talking on the phone to someone and just caught the words, "Sure, okay," before he hung up and then came in.

"Chris says Ricky is expecting you anytime," he said tonelessly, and headed into the bathroom and closed the door.

I gathered all my stuff, only stopping to grab Tiny and put some My Little Pony shorts on under my robe, and then I let myself out of the door. By the time I'd walked the fifteen feet to Ricky's room, my lip was wobbling a little, so I stood outside and took a few deep breaths before I knocked. Chris opened the door looking hesitant, but Ricky squealed, and I couldn't help the relief that swept through me. At least he was okay.

"How's Saul?" Chris said. "I just spoke to him, and he sounded—"

But I didn't hear the rest of the sentence because Ricky had tackled me, and it was only Chris grabbing my suit bag that kept it from hitting the floor. When I surfaced from Ricky, Chris had left.

Ricky looked at me so intently I flushed, but he merely nodded, walking to the kitchenette and pouring one mimosa for me, and out of a different bottle he poured a second one for himself. Then he added ice to mine and ushered me to the couch. "What's in mine?" I asked, taking a sip.

"Alcohol," he said dryly, "but it's only light."

I sighed. "Ricky, I—"

He clasped my free hand. "I know you'd happily drink mine and wouldn't say a word, but you look like you need it." Ricky took a sip of his own, then put it on the table. "Now, spill." His eyebrows waggled. "Tell me all your secrets."

"You know them all," I muttered.

"I didn't know you couldn't swim," Ricky said softly.

I shrugged. "It never came up."

"It's my fault Daddy left Saul to deal with everything," Ricky said miserably, letting the swimming thing go.

"No, it isn't," I argued. "He did exactly the right thing."

"Then what's wrong?" Ricky asked. "Last night was shit, but Saul would have taken a bullet for you."

I was silent for a moment. "But that's his job." It sounded weak even to my own ears.

"And Steven was a complete waste of space, plus he put you in their crosshairs. I wouldn't blame Saul for taking him out."

I eyed him. "What has Chris been letting you watch on TV?"

Ricky giggled. "I'm in love with Jason Statham." I rolled my eyes. Everyone was in love with Jason Statham.

Ricky picked at his fingernail then got up to refill my glass. "I think that we're kind of trapped in a magical bubble and you don't know what that's gonna look like when it pops. And you are wary of trusting, because it seems too good to be true."

"I just need time to think."

"No, you don't," Ricky challenged. "You just want time to shore up your defenses. Steven was never right for you because you never let him in."

"Saul's seen more of me in the last couple of days than Steven has in the last year."

And because it was Ricky, he smirked and managed to tease a smile out of me. "I'm betting you would never have let Steven diaper you."

"Yeah, well no one's ever going to do it again because look how well that turned out." I got up because I couldn't stay sitting.

"Which wasn't Saul's fault."

I nodded. "I'm hungry. When's breakfast getting here?" I wasn't, and I knew Ricky recognized it as a diversion tactic, but he let that go as well.

"Anytime now," he said, then giggled at the knock on the door, and stood. "Party time, baby, and I want my nails done after we eat." I chuckled in relief and got out all the nail stuff.

I didn't know whether to be relieved or not that Saul was sitting behind me and not in the same row during the ceremony. There weren't set sides, not like in a church, but Steven had to stand with Chris and so he and I went to opposite sides when we sat down. It would have looked really awkward if Steven had tried to cross behind the happy couple.

And they were happy.

They didn't do the traditional vows, but because of where we were, Chris promised faithfully to be a good Daddy for his boy. Ricky cried but these were happy tears. Chris and Ricky had insisted all the guests in the hotel come to the wedding, and as promised, Ryder had collected May-belle from the hospital so she didn't miss anything.

The wedding was everything Ricky wanted, and it seemed like the last day hadn't even happened.

But it had, and I didn't know what to do about it.

We were laughing and drinking when Steven sidled up to me. I knew Saul was standing awkwardly to the side. He'd barely spoken to Chris, and I felt bad that their relationship was suffering because of me.

"Cal," Steven started, and I frowned. When had he ever called me Cal? Only Ricky ever called me that, and not often.

"What?" I sighed and saw him holding what was probably Bourbon. The wedding was done, the gorgeous meal Joshua had presided over was finished. Tonight was a party for those that had the stamina. I'd already told Ricky I was taking myself up after an hour and he'd giggled and said he doubted he and Chris would even last that long.

"I want to talk to you," he tried, but I shook my head.

"I think you said everything already. I'm not interested, Steven." And he sold me out last night.

"But Cal," and he grabbed my arm. "You're not listening to me."

I tried to shake him off. "Let go. I told you—" But then Saul appeared and had Steven's arm behind his back before he knew what was happening.

"He told you to let go," Saul ground out.

"What the hell? You're gonna break my arm," Steven almost shrieked. Not that Saul looked too concerned with that possibility. I felt the silence creep in all around me, and I didn't dare look at anyone else. "Saul…" I bit my lip, feeling the heat climb my neck

Saul turned and looked right at me, waiting for me to say something. When I didn't, he eased off on Steven's arm but didn't let go. "Is he who you want?" I opened my mouth, but then I closed it. I couldn't do this in front of all these people. I tried to tell him that, but the shame from last night was still too raw.

But Saul nodded as if I'd answered him, let go of Steven, and strode from the room. I watched as Chris followed him.

Saul

I was on my phone to the marina before I'd gotten even halfway upstairs. It was going to cost me a ridiculous amount of money, but they had some guy that was willing to collect me. I'd have to call some Ride app then to get to the nearest airport, Clearwater-St. Pete, but I didn't care. Taking this job had been the biggest mistake of my life.

"Saul, for Christ's sake, slow the fuck down." I ignored Chris, but he got to my room a second after I did, and I didn't get the chance to shut the door before he barged in after me.

"Look, this whole weekend hasn't turned out the way we wanted it, but you need to calm down."

I turned on him. "You were eager enough to step in with Calvin last night. Where were you just then? And this is the second time that prick has had his hands on him. Seems like you only show concern when it suits you, or it isn't your brother." Chris's jaw worked, and I turned and grabbed my small suitcase from the closet and threw it on the bed.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Look, it's better for everyone if I leave. You enjoy your wedding."

Chris scowled. "Might I remind you that you agreed to this job for the whole weekend?"

I paused at throwing socks in my case and looked Chris in the eye.

"Shit, sorry," he said, deflating. "Forget I said that. You're right. You're right about everything, but come on. Stay."

"No," I said quietly and gazed at the man who'd had my back and vice versa for a lot of years. "I quit."

Chris froze. "Quit?" he repeated as if he hadn't heard properly. "Look, I had no right to leave you hanging last—"

"I know about Ricky's asthma. Calvin told me." I interrupted. "Look, enjoy your wedding. But do me a favor and make sure that fucker keeps his hands off him, unless Calvin expressly wants it."

Chris sighed. "Matt taking you?"

I shook my head. "Some guy from the marina."

"Saul, I—"

But I shook my head and zipped my case. "Go down and make sure they're both okay. We'll talk next week."

Chris nodded and held out his hand. "What do I say to Calvin?" I casually clasped it, then turned and picked up my suitcase.

"He won't miss me."