10. Calvin

Chapter ten

Calvin

I t was going to be a party, apparently. The staff that were still there seemed to be a close-knit group. Matt and Ryder, both boat operators, returned. Josh and Daniel. The blue-haired lady, Angie, and her wife Suzie. May-belle or Nana May. Noah who had checked me over after I went in the pool, and his husband Charlie who shared he had a touch sensitivity so please don't be offended if he didn't shake hands. I loved talking to Charlie who was an art therapist and I shared some of my experiences at daycare. Charlie shared that another couple who were permanent residents were off the island meeting a little boy they were hoping to adopt soon.

"And it's about our turn," Charlie whispered.

"Your turn?" I returned in a low voice.

He nodded and twisted his hands. "I'm just terrified with my touch issues I'll be a crap dad." I saw Noah's head raise like a heat-seeking missile, but I didn't think Charlie had noticed.

I thought about that. Thought about what I'd gone through. "You know, the thing is, that you even thought about it is what makes you different."

Charlie sent me a suspicious look, and I huffed. "People think too much about having stuff . I don't know about regular kids but believe me when I say foster-kids don't. They wanna know they're safe. They wanna know you're not gonna hit them. That they have enough food. They don't give a crap about how you make that happen so long as you do. And don't get me wrong," I added. "They won't believe you for a long time. They'll expect you to be the same as everybody else."

Charlie nodded. "That makes sense."

"Then I think you know more than you realize," I said.

By this time Noah was sitting close to Charlie, and I knew deep in my gut that whatever child or children they got, they would be loved. And that was really the main thing. "You know teenagers are the hardest group to get adopted?" I asked. Charlie looked at me. "Everyone wants little kids or babies. Maybe with whatever you have going on, an adolescent or an older teen would be better?"

I watched as Noah snaked his arm around Charlie and Charlie's face brightened.

Yeah.

Chris and Ricky completely abandoned the idea of a served dinner for that evening and opted to ask all the staff and everyone that worked there to eat with them. It was still a dressed-up event but this way the dishes were laid out for guests to help themselves so Joshua and his team could sit down when all the food was out.

We all split up to get ready, and an hour later I was standing looking at myself dispassionately in the bedroom mirror because for once I wasn't excited about mine and Ricky's matching outfits.

"What's wrong?" Daddy came up behind me and kissed my bare shoulder and I shivered. "Calvin? If tonight's going to be too much after—"

"No," but my voice cracked, and I turned and nearly tried to bury myself in him. Saul simply guided me to the bed, sat and lifted me into his lap. I clung on. "I don't know what's wrong with me," I mumbled into his chest. We'd had a fabulous afternoon, but once we started getting ready, my skin got all kinds of itchy."

Saul held me tightly, which I adored. "You're shaking. Baby, is it this afternoon?"

"It's everything," I whispered. But I had to get a hold of myself. Ricky was my best friend. He'd nearly had the weekend ruined as it was.

"You know Ricky would understand—" But I shook my head.

"I can't. I just can't. He…" I bit my lip, and then gulped a breath. "I have to be there for him tonight. I have to."

He looked at the bed. "Is it your outfit?"

I shook my head. "No, we chose it." It had long pants, but I had a silver shirt with a purple set of men's suspenders and a purple bow-tie, and Ricky had a purple shirt and silver accessories. We'd wanted to be smart but fun for the family dinner, but I didn't know what to do now.

"Tell me how you're feeling, baby."

"I don't know. Just weird. Like…" I twisted my hands, unable to explain. I sighed. "I'm good at my job."

Daddy considered that. "I think you mean that normally you're controlled and calm, and because everything today has been a nightmare, you're acting out of character."

I nodded, and he brushed a quick kiss on my cheek. "But don't forget what you went through," Daddy said, and reached over and passed Tiny to me to cuddle.

"Have you ever felt like this before?"

I shook my head then paused. "Maybe."

"And what do you do to make you feel better?"

"No, I mean when I was a child. Not since I was a grown-up."

"But baby," Daddy said, "don't you want to be Little now?"

I shook my head. I was hanging on by a thread, but apart from accepting comfort I couldn't let go. "Have to be Big for downstairs."

Daddy rocked me a little, and it was nice, but the clothes just seemed so big and wrong. "You mean grown-up?" Daddy asked, and I looked up at him.

"What is?"

"You said the clothes looked so big."

I had? I looked over at them. "They'll be scratchy."

Daddy's cell phone dinged, and I knew it would be Ricky, wanting to know if I was ready. We were going to have some pictures taken first. I had to be a grown-up and get dressed, but I knew I was shivering at the very thought. "Baby? Do you think you can be a big brave boy while I just go try and fix something? It means I just have to step outside, but I promise I'll be right back."

"Promise?" I could hear my voice getting higher. I had to snap out of it, and he handed me my phone.

"See the time?" He pointed to the clock on the screen. I always had an analog clock screen as I liked it better than just the numbers. "Well, when the big hand gets to the top I'll be back."

I nodded and found a watery smile.

Daddy sat me on the bed and got my blanket and tucked it around me so I was warm. Then he promised again he would be back, picked up his phone, and left.

I hated it immediately and stared at the outfit I was going to have to wear. We'd spent months planning this weekend. I had no choice. I couldn't let Ricky down.

Saul

I'd never been so glad that both suites were nearly together as I rushed down the corridor, lifting my hand to knock, admiring the obviously hand-painted beach scene on the door. It showed two pairs of bare feet and two outstretched hands clinking fancy champagne flutes. Beyond was a view of the ocean and a gorgeous rainbow. Chris opened the door right away, and he took in my expression. "What's wrong?" He kept his voice low, and I guessed so Ricky couldn't hear from what I assumed was the bathroom based on the singing I could hear, and I smiled despite my worry.

"Calvin, and I don't know what to do. He's got himself worked up understandably from today, and he's putting on a brave face but he's shaking, and we cuddled, and he's got Tiny, and I don't know what to say ." It was killing me that there wasn't a Calvin manual.

Chris regarded me thoughtfully. "I'm sure Ricky would understand," but I was already shaking my head.

"He won't let him down, and that's piling on the anxiety even more. I asked if he had any coping mechanisms, and he said none since he was a kid. All he brought is the bear and a blanket, but neither are working, or not working enough." I glanced at my phone. I had four minutes. There was no way I was breaking a promise.

"I remember what happened with Ricky earlier and you gave him a binkie but unless he's hiding it somewhere he doesn't have one."

"No," Chris said. "He doesn't use them, as far as I know. Steven was uncomfortable with a lot of it I think, so Calvin hid whatever needs he might have. In public, certainly. Ricky doesn't have a spare binkie, and there won't be any adult ones you can buy downstairs."

"Daddy, I'm going to—" We both looked over at Ricky, who was standing with a towel on and nothing else. "What is it?" he said, his voice immediately rising in panic. "It's Cal isn't it? And he ran to the door, but Chris caught him.

"He's just really anxious after this afternoon," I explained hurriedly, "but he doesn't have a binkie, and I was hoping you would have an idea how I can help?"

"He won't use a binkie. He doesn't feel safe enough," which shocked me into silence. Had he been hiding his Little all this time? No wonder he was unravelling.

"Is there anything else you can think of?"

Ricky bit his lip and looked at Chris. "I know what I need when my feelings get messy."

Chris's face softened and nodded. He stood and went into the bedroom. "But you have to be a proper Daddy," Ricky said, "or you'll make it worse."

I frowned in confusion. "A proper…" But I ran out of words when I saw what Chris came out holding.

"This is a new unopened pack. I brought extra in case you needed them on all the time, but we still have plenty," he said to Ricky, and brushed a kiss on his head as he walked past. He grabbed a towel to wrap around the plastic so it couldn't be seen and passed it to me.

I took it gingerly like it was an IED. Chris looked at me steadily, like he had all the confidence in the world in me. I glanced at my cell. I had a minute. "I think we should see you downstairs."

Chris jerked his chin, and I let myself out, clutching the pack of diapers. It seemed to take a lot longer for me to walk back to our suite, but I let myself in and went straight to the bedroom. Calvin hadn't moved. Two big, anxious tear-laden eyes met my gaze and everything in me relaxed. I'd been stepping up since I was eighteen years old, longer probably, and there was no way I was going to fail this mission. Calvin was way too important. I carried on to the bed, sat, and lifted Calvin and Tiny—still bundled up—back into my lap, admitting to myself that I liked him there. I liked it a lot.

"Ricky sent these." I unwrapped the towel, and he froze, but I just carried on like it was no big deal. "Ricky says he puts them on when his feelings get messy and that it helps. I think your thoughts and feelings got really messy this weekend and you deserve some time off from them. So, we're gonna get you all cozy, and then you can put on those pants and they won't feel scratchy because this is soft, see?"

All the time I'd been saying that I opened the pack and pulled one out. "Feel how soft that is." I offered it to him, not sure of his reaction, but he uncovered a hand from the blanket and cautiously reached out to touch it. I gently booped his nose and he half-smiled. "Do you think you could be brave enough to try?"

Calvin lifted those big eyes to me in utter wonder and I couldn't resist a kiss. A gentle one, even though I wanted more, but this was too important to make him late. "Have you heard of the traffic light system they use in BDSM clubs?"

Calvin nodded. "Red for stop, yellow for pause and I need to talk, and green for okay."

"Good," I praised. "Can you tell me what color you are now?"

His eyes got even bigger. "Green," but then he winced a little. "Maybe quite a bit yellow."

I cupped his cheek. "Good boy for telling me. Shall we try, and then if you don't like it I can take it back off?" He pressed his lips together but nodded slowly.

I laid him back and unwrapped him. "I'm going to call you my baby-burrito," and this time his smile was wider. I unwrapped him, towel as well, and made sure he was properly dry. Shame I didn't have a little baby powder. I opened the diaper up. It was bigger, obviously, but my sister had expected a full-service babysitter, so I'd done this before. I liked how the boy ones were a bit roomier in front, but they still held him snugly. I helped him stand. "How does it feel?"

"I don't know," he said, but he didn't sound as panicky as before—worried, yes, but not trembling.

"That's my good boy," I said genuinely, and his face lit up nearly instantly so I filed that away. Praise was definitely a thing for him. I picked up his socks. "Hold my shoulders and lift one foot." He did exactly as I asked, and I was soon sliding his pants over his padded bottom.

"Is it too tight?" He shook his head. Clever Ricky had bought the pants with stretchy material and they clung really nicely but weren't too tight. I couldn't resist sliding my palm over his ass and I thought the shiver this time was for a different reason. I finished getting him dressed and his smile kept peeking out.

"Such a good boy," I praised again. "Now, if at any time you want it off, to either change it or simply go pee in the bathroom, just tell me and I'll make sure you can either manage or I'm here to help."

He stared at me. "Why don't you mind?" His voice hitched, and I wrapped my arm around him.

"I love helping you, and I'm honored you trusted me enough to try."

Calvin half shook his head in disbelief as if he found the concept anyone would care about him unbelievable, and I swear if Steven had been in front of me right that moment there wouldn't have been enough of him left for a body-bag.

I held out my hand, and he took a step, then stopped. "I know it probably feels strange but think of it like when I give you a hug."

Then he giggled, and I grinned in relief. "You don't hug my bottom, Daddy."

"Well, let's just see when we go to bed later, hmm?" And I waggled my eyebrows and guided him out, keeping a very firm hold of his hand.