35. Paris

Brett was so attentive, and I didn't know why it surprised me. He always had been.

With his people, he sat last at the table. He worked beside them. He'd included me even when there was little reason to. I didn't need to know how the Hawk Clan worked, only what they were willing to trade with Urial. Still, he'd offered me understanding.

Now, as he asked me to stand at his side, it had taken on a different tone. He was trying.

To impress me? He didn't need to do that.

The strangest thing was how alien it felt, to me, to have someone orient themselves to my needs. It wasn't?—

Well, it wasn't that I didn't think everyone deserved that, only that I'd been with a prince. I'd forgotten what it felt like, to have someone put me first.

Gods, I hadn't even noticed I missed that feeling with Tybalt—being seen, cared for, considered as someone not to exploit, but to value. I'd spent years doing anything that had made my prince happy, knowing all the while that I'd never really have him.

I told myself that Brett was simply the sort of person who looked after other people. That he was kind to me now didn't mean anything particular, and once he got over the idea that he'd failed me, his interest would fade.

And still, he stared at me with such desperation that I couldn't leave him there, doubting and worrying without reason.

I drew in a deep breath and let it out in a slow sigh. "All right."

"What?" His eyelids fluttered, and he made another lurch toward me that came up short when he caught himself. I—shit, I wanted him to touch me, but it was all so damn complicated that I didn't move to close the distance either.

"I'll go. Stand beside you. If you want that, and if it won't, um, compromise your position with your people."

His brow furrowed. This time, when he reached for my hand, he didn't stop himself, and I found his warm, rough palm was grounding against my own. I gripped him.

"Compromise my position?"

I shrugged. "For any number of reasons. I'm a man?—"

"Not an issue."

I blinked. Nemeda was different, sure, but it'd take more than a couple months for me to get over a lifetime of feeling like I didn't fit or wasn't what people hoped.

"And from Urial . . . "

Even this had Brett shaking his head. "You've crested, Paris. There is a place for you with the Hawk if you want it."

I bit my lip, unsure what to say at first. It was kind, generous, and still, my heart throbbed painfully.

"My family is in Urial," I whispered.

Brett's throat bobbed as he nodded. His hand flexed around mine, like he wished he could hold me there. Honestly, staying in Nemeda wouldn't be a difficult thing for me to do after I'd been all but exiled by King Albany, but I couldn't imagine Brett trying to entrap me.

My next breath trembled, and I shook my head, gaze dropping to the center of his chest because looking into his eyes made me feel too much and made me want to make promises I didn't know if I could keep.

"For now," I said quietly, "I would like to stay with you, and I—I don't want to yell at you."

When I glanced up, Brett's eyes had widened. "You don't?"

I shook my head again. "Esmerelda explained some things to me, and... while I wish that you and I had had a chance to talk about them, I, well, I can easily see how we got ahead of ourselves, that night in Esmerelda's cabin, and I'm not sure when, otherwise, would've been the right moment."

Brett was quiet, watching, waiting for me to give him something to act on.

Another sigh escaped me. "I am sad," I admitted.

When he flinched, I bit my lip.

"Not that I'm changed," I said. "I don't know how to feel about that yet. But I am sad that I didn't know, that I—you say there's a place for me here now, but if that's the case, it's difficult to grapple with the truth that there wasn't before, and that—that something has changed. Some part of the reason I didn't know all of this has to be that you were all afraid you couldn't trust me, and I'm not even sure you could've. I don't know what I would've done if I'd found out before—well, before. I'll never get to know what I would've chosen or how I would've acted, and that... I don't know why it bothers me, but it does."

Brett's thumb brushed the edge of my hand. "We shouldn't have kept you in the dark."

Bleakly, I laughed. "Are you sure about that? Because I'm not. It's just—King Albany did not give me the truth when he sent me away from Urial. The truth is, he wanted me away from his son, though he said he sought diplomatic relations with Nemeda. And here, now... Well, it still feels like I'm an afterthought, left to catch up after the fact, adjust to circumstances that I didn't create or, at least, I didn't understand them." It'd be impossible to say that I held no responsibility for sleeping with Brett, or even overplaying my hand with King Albany's patience.

"You are not an afterthought," Brett said emphatically, edging closer.

I bit my lip, ducking my head to stare at his chest again. I wanted to say something more but found that I'd said all I could think to say, all that I needed to.

There was nothing that either of us could do that would make me feel wholly confident, wholly trusted, right that moment. It would take time, but Brett was...

Brett was perfect and golden. Beautiful and kind and generous. He'd been patient and attentive and—well, I did like him. It was hard to imagine him casting me off the moment I wasn't readily available to see to his desires, and if Esmerelda was right, he felt something for me too, though I wouldn't presume to call it love.

"We'll go together," I said more firmly, meeting his eyes with a smile that, while I didn't entirely feel it, was broader than others I'd given him in the past few days. "And if you'd like me to testify against Orestes's father, I'd be willing to share what I know."

Brett's nose flared, and for a moment, I thought he'd reiterate that it wasn't about that. In the end, he let it go, and the corners of his lips twitched. He was even more beautiful when he smiled.

"Traveling would be faster if we flew. Are you up for that?"

My breath caught. Sure, I'd flown to the roof and back, but this was distance, and gods, I wanted to try.

"If you promise you won't let me crash."

"I promise."