23. Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Three

Samuel

After the encounter with the person living with John's heart, we took some time alone.

Just Rory and me, at his house.

I helped him take care of John's stuff, cleaning, and choosing what he wanted to keep. He thought of moving to another place, but the memories of John are no longer a curse, and for now he still wants to cherish what they had. He looks happier and healthier than before.

Our connection has deepened over the last few weeks and we're closer than ever. We haven't talked about our feelings, but we both know they're there. After hearing him telling me he loved me, I couldn't leave his side. Even if I'm not ready yet to talk openly about it, or to say it back to him.

He hasn't mentioned it either, as if he knows I'm not ready yet to face it.

I will be soon.

Today, we're doing what I should have done two years ago, but I didn't have the courage to walk up to the house, knock at the door, wrap them both in my arms, and ask for forgiveness.

"Are you ready?" Rory asks, wrapping his arms around my middle and leaning in to kiss my neck.

"As ready as I can be," I reply. But I'm not ready at all. Not knowing how they are going to react is driving me crazy and unsettling my stomach because it's playing with my nerves. I can take down a criminal, but I can't look Daniel and Lucy in the eyes and ask them to find mercy in their heart to free me from these chains.

The drive is a nervous one, and I can't get my leg to stop bouncing, basically telling the world how uneasy I am right now.

What am I going to do if they send me away? If they look at me like the murderer I think I am? Will there be redemption for me?

Rory's hand lands on my knee, stopping me from my nervous movements and infusing me with warmth, allowing me to breathe more easily.

"Everything is going to be fine," he says. His words give me a little bit of hope, but at the same time, my brain tells me something different. Something I'm more prone to believe because that's what I've thought for the last two years.

How can I believe him?

"You can't know that." My fears cropping up make me even more uneasy.

"You're right, I can't. But I want to believe that everything will be okay. From what you told me about them and Adrian, they are great people. So, yes, I want to believe they know it wasn't your fault, what happened to Adrian."

What Rory is saying makes sense, but until I'm there, facing the people I need to ask forgiveness from, I won't be able to believe it.

When Rory parks the car and turns it off, my heart beats faster, because every action we make gets us closer to the door, and facing the people I've failed.

Rory exits the car and then moves around to my side because I haven't tried to get out yet. He opens my door and places a hand in front of me. He's not only offering to help me get out of the car, he's also asking me to trust him.

I look at him, and his kind face has me moving to take his hand. Once we're connected, I squeeze it as a thank you.

Once I'm out of the car, I freeze in place, looking at the house, and memories of the time I spent there with Adrian resurface. I'm overwhelmed by the hurt and the desire for things to have gone differently . . . Adrian, in front of the house, waiting for me at the door and waving. His cheerful smile, and pats on the shoulder when I needed a scolding, or he wanted me to know I'd done a good job. I never realised how much I missed him—and them—until now.

I follow Rory when he pulls me towards the house, still lost in the memories filling my head. I'm breathing hard by the time we reach the front door, and my heart breaks when the reality of Adrian's absence hits me like a brick wall to the face. The reality of knowing that nothing I do can bring him back.

Years of pushing the pain deeper inside me, of using my rage to move forward, weigh on me. I nearly crumble under it. I can't move, and I'd be dropping to the ground, breaking into pieces, if it wasn't for the grounding touch of Rory's hand in mine.

"Sam?"

I turn my face to look at him with my eyes full of tears. Tears that can't fall.

He pulls where we're connected until I'm facing him, then he takes my face in his hands and leans in to kiss me.

"Please, trust me. Everything is going to be okay."

Another long look, while I try to absorb some of his strength. Then I nod, turn towards the door, raise my hand and knock. My heart is in my throat, and my stomach isn't too far behind, but I stay there waiting for the people inside to open the door.

"Yes," Lucy says, while opening the door.

I watch as her face changes, showing a plethora of emotions, going from confusion to recognition and finally to pain, before she breaks down into tears. And all the while I stand there, unable to move or speak.

She raises her head again, and I ready myself for her words, for her to scream at me and then send me away.

"Samuel?" she says, and then her arms are around me, and she's sobbing on my chest. I don't move for a second, surprised by her reaction. It's when her response to my presence—like that of a long-lost friend—finally sinks in, that I'm wrapping my arms around her, hugging her close.

"Mum?" a voice calls from inside, and then the door opens a bit more and Daniel is there. He looks at me for a while, hiding behind his mother until surprise fills his face, and then he's looking at me as if I'm someone he recognises. It can't be, though, because he was too young to remember who I am.

"Samuel?" His face breaks into a happy smile. Is this the famous so-called Twilight Zone, where the craziest things happen? This must be a dream—a dream I don't want to wake up from. What they're giving me today is so much more than I thought I deserved, or wanted, but something I really needed to start healing.

He comes closer and hugs my hip, and I set my hand on his head, while more tears fall from my eyes. I'm like a broken fountain, unable to stop the running water.

"I'm so sorry," I whisper in between them, over and over again, until I'm sobbing, bawling my eyes out, and I can't seem to stop. Lucy pulls away, takes my face in her hands, and goes up on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek.

"I'm glad you came," she says when she pulls away.

"I'm sorry," I say to her, and I wish I could say more, but everything is stuck inside, and I don't know how to pull it out.

"You should be sorry for staying away, but never for what happened. It wasn't your fault."

Fuck! If I start crying again, I'm afraid I'll create a river.

A hand on my back stabilises me and puts me back together. I lean into the touch as if it's my lifeline.

"Okay," I say to her, and she kisses me again.

"Come in," Lucy says after pulling away, while Daniel is still hugging me.

I turn my head to look at Rory, whose eyes are full of tears. Only then do I believe that this isn't a dream, but a reality. I hug Lucy closer, and then I reach for Daniel, still hugging my middle and looking up at me. I rub his head again and he hugs me tighter.

The house is like I remember, still homey and full of colour, with only one thing missing: Adrian. I look around, expecting him to come out of a room like he did when I came around. It brings me sadness, but also so many good and missed memories. The house is full of Adrian's pictures, hanging on the walls and sitting on top of the furniture. He's smiling in most of them. A picture of the two of us, side by side, smiling and happy, makes my heart constrict and brings a smile to my face at the same time.

This feeling of pain mixed with joy is something I've never felt before. I miss Adrian like mad, and I still feel guilty because of his death, but a glint of hope is blossoming inside me. It may be because I'm here, facing my fear of rejection and the two people who suffered the most because of what happened that day. Or maybe it's because I'm here, surrounded by what Adrian created, loved, and cherished. And I'm part of it, even if I'm partially guilty for what happened that day.

"Come in and sit down." Lucy guides us over to the living room.

More memories come to mind, and I'm on the fine line between joy and pain.

She takes my arm in hers, and we walk into the room together. When she sits, I sit next to her, with Rory sitting on my other side. Daniel is jumping around, as if he's celebrating, and it makes me chuckle.

"How have you been?" Lucy asks while staring at me, as if daring me to lie to her.

"I've been . . . okay?" I reply, but her brow raising tells me I haven't convinced her.

I try again, but with the truth this time.

"It's been difficult. Guilt has weighed on me since that day. I haven't been able to move forward or face you and Daniel."

"I've never thought that what happened was your fault. No one ever did."

My chin falls to my chest in shame. Things would have been different if I had waited for Adrian and we'd gone in together. Their not blaming me, not even a little, isn't something I can get my head around.

"I should have waited for Adrian, and been less hasty, but what I saw that day was that guy using his knife against some unarmed people, and I couldn't let him get away."

"Adrian would have done the same," she says, with a sad but proud smile.

"Yeah, he would have." I chuckle again, because that's the man Adrian was.

She pats my leg, and the love she has for me seeps through and makes my heart ache a little less.

"Is this your new partner?" Lucy asks, but her wicked smile tells me she knows that there is more between Rory and me.

"He's . . ." But then I'm not sure how to continue, because we've never discussed it.

"We're seeing each other," Rory jumps in, saving the day once again.

I turn my head to look at him, and I smile, grateful for his presence and support.

"I'm glad you have someone who loves and encourages you. I thought you'd be alone, trying to make amends for what you perceived to be your fault."

"I was. For the last two years, that's what I tried to do. Until Rory came into my life and made me understand that everything that happened that night maybe wasn't all my fault. I'm still working on it, though. It's difficult to come to terms with losing Adrian."

Lucy turns to Rory. "Thank you for taking care of Samuel when we couldn't."

"We took care of each other." Rory's words settle something inside me. They make me realise, not for the first time, that even if something happens, there's still hope. Things can be better with time. Things happen for a reason, and even if we don't know what that reason is, we shouldn't throw in the towel. Instead, we should work on building atop the ruins so that we can honour those no longer with us.

Lucy smiles at him and then gets up to offer us something to drink.

"Hi," Daniel says, appearing in front of me.

I smile at him, and he fidgets as if too excited and unable to contain it.

"You're Dad's friend," he says, and I nod.

The emotion his words cause in me has my throat closing.

His smile is big, and so similar to Adrian's, I can't stop myself from reaching out and ruffling his hair affectionately.

"Yes, I was."

"I saw you in the pictures. Mummy and Eric always show me."

"We used to spend a lot of time together."

"Can you tell me stories? Mummy always says, ‘Samuel knows a lot of them.'"

Tears fill my eyes when I look at him. I take his hand and pull him close. I sniffle, but push the tears back, because I don't want to make Daniel cry too.

"I have so many! Jump up and sit on my leg and I'll share them with you," I say, trying to push back the tears that are threatening to spill.

I spot Lucy near the door, with her eyes full of tears, and I send a trembling smile her way when she mouths the words ‘Thank you,' at me.

The rest of the afternoon is spent remembering Adrian. I share stories of him, of our time together. Laughter and tears are shared, and there's some healing done too. Daniel's happiness and giggles heal parts of me I didn't even know were hurting.

When we leave Adrian's house, I'm a changed man. But I'm also a man who understands he needs help to overcome what happened that night. Especially if I'm motivated by the chance to build something with Rory, which I really want. Because, in all the mess that our lives were, we somehow found each other and came to love one another. That's something I don't want to miss out on, because if there is anything the Adrian incident taught me, it's that we shouldn't waste time if we're sure of what we want. And right now, I'm sure I want Rory in my life.

Our departure is full of hugs and promises to see each other again soon. I'm happy to make that promise.

As soon as we're near the car, I pull Rory against me and lean in to kiss him. I want the kiss to show him how important he is to me. I want the kiss to make a statement about what my intentions are. But the kiss doesn't seem to fill the need I have to share my heart with him. So I pull away, and wait until he opens his eyes and is looking at me.

"I love you, too."

His eyes shimmer with happiness and the love I know he has for me. Then he leans in and kisses me again, just a brush of lips that makes my heart sing, and I pull him into a tight hug.

"Thank you," I say to him, leaning in for a kiss. What he gave me today . . . there are no words I can say to thank him enough. I kiss him again and then nip lightly at his lips, needing a deeper connection.

"There is nothing to thank me for," he says after pulling back.

"I love you." And I love the smile that curves his lips, and the light that shines in his eyes, only for me.

"I love you, too," he replies, making my world right.

There isn't anything more I can ask for.

"Let's go home," I say to him. I need to show him with my body how important he's become to me.

He leans in and kisses me, long and hard.

"Take me home." With a wink that makes me hard and ready, I follow.

I'd follow him everywhere.