Chapter 23

Delilah leaned forward in the pew and clasped her hands together. Her lips moved silently until she heard a door. When she looked up, a gray-haired man was approaching cautiously.

"Am I interrupting?" he said.

"No. I was just praying."

"Then I am interrupting."

She shook her head. "It feels like I've been praying nonstop lately. Taking a break is okay."

"Sounds like you've got a lot on your mind."

"Not a lot… It's just that what's in there is so heavy. Not to mention I'm worried I'm doing it wrong."

"What? Praying?"

"Yeah."

He nodded, an amused smile on his lips. "Then I'm glad I can be the bearer of good news. There is no wrong way to pray."

"I find that hard to believe."

"I guess technically if your prayers aren't genuine, you're probably wasting your time, but other than that, you're covered." When she frowned, he added, "You look worried. Can I ask why it is you think you're doing it wrong?"

"I haven't paid much attention to God most of my life, so coming to Him now when I'm desperate, it feels a little disingenuous."

"Are your prayers insincere?"

"No. Not at all."

"Then you have nothing to worry about. You may not believe this, but God's had you on His mind your whole life."

Her thoughts went back to her childhood. "I do believe it. When I was a little girl, I went to church a couple of times. I can remember feeling God's presence every time I was there. At least, I think that's what it was. That's the only way I could understand what was going on. But no matter what I do now, I can't get that feeling back. I thought maybe it was because God wasn't interested since I've spent so many years ignoring Him."

"Do you mind if I sit?"

"Not at all."

He shuffled into the pew ahead of her and rested his forearms on the back of the seat.

"I'm Ryan, by the way."

She shook the hand he offered. "Not Pastor Ryan?"

"Yes, but Ryan will do."

"It's nice to finally meet you."

"It's Delilah, right?"

"How'd you know?"

He laughed. "You spoke to my wife, and we always debrief on a Sunday. We'd noticed you coming in late and leaving as soon as the service was finished."

"Except last week when she managed to stop me."

"Yeah."

"I didn't think anyone noticed. That's why I sat in the back."

"We notice everyone who walks through those doors. I was hoping I'd get the opportunity to speak to you, and here you are."

"Yup. Here I am."

"Can I ask what kept you behind today? I'll confess, I don't remember seeing you in the service."

"I wasn't. I came in late as usual, but I wasn't feeling well."

"There's been some flu going around. You feeling better?"

"No, I'm fine. That's not what I mean. I was feeling very anxious. As soon as I arrived, I wanted to leave, but other people had arrived late, and they blocked the door long enough that I had to find somewhere to hide, so I retreated to the bathroom."

"Sounds to me like God was running interference."

"You think so?"

"I don't know, but He finds creative ways to reach out to His children."

"I was too overwhelmed to even be thinking about God. I was too busy crying. It was awful, actually. I kept expecting someone to knock on the stall and tell me I had to come out."

"Why?"

"I don't know. The fear got ahold of me and wouldn't let go. People came and went, and I stayed where I was until it was quiet again. Then, when I finally came out, the church was mostly empty, and the anxiety had lessened, so I made my way in here to look for answers. I thought maybe if I prayed in the sanctuary, God would turn up."

"Little did you know He'd been in the bathroom stall with you the whole time."

"Maybe."

"Just because you don't feel it doesn't mean it's not true."

"Then how can you be sure?"

"When you know the truth, your feelings don't matter anymore."

"That sounds counterintuitive."

"Does it? Do you find that your feelings are a good compass to steer you?"

She slumped in the seat. "When you say it like that…" She shook her head. "You're right. But then, if you let your head make all the decisions… I don't know, that doesn't sound like a good alternative."

"I'm not talking about letting your head control things either. There is a scripture that says the heart is deceitful above all things. So you can't rely on that. And there's another scripture that says to not lean on your own understanding."

"Wow, that's disappointing. What does that leave you with? Nothing?"

"It leaves you with the best option of all." He pointed up. "God wants to lead you. He's the only one who really knows the right way."

"How do I hear Him? Because I've been praying, and He's been silent as far as I can tell."

"Often with God, He'll give you one step at a time. As you obey, He'll continue to lead."

"The only thing I've been sure of lately is coming here and asking for His help. But that's it."

"That's it? That's a lot."

"Is it?"

Ryan bunched his lips together in thought. "Do you want to tell me what's going on? Or I could get Beth? Or do you prefer to keep your troubles to yourself? I'm okay with whatever. God knows what's going on, and that's enough, but I may be able to help."

"I don't think it would be a good idea to tell you."

"That's okay. But I trust it's not something illegal? Because if it is, I'd advise you to stop."

She was surprised by the laugh that escaped her lips. It had been a while. "No. That's not why I don't want to say. I just don't think you'd believe me."

"I've been a pastor for a lot of years. I've heard some stories, believe me."

"Not like this."

"Try me."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Give it your best shot."

"I betrayed a man I cared for, and it got him killed. Or, at least, I think it did."

"Oh." Ryan nodded thoughtfully. "Okay. That is a first for me."

"You're not reacting how I expected."

"I'm good at keeping my emotions in check. I spent the first few years of my ministry working in a prison, so I've had plenty of practice listening to some pretty heavy stuff. But what makes you think this man might be dead? Are you afraid he's killed himself because of what you did?"

"No. I think he was murdered."

That got a bigger reaction, but Ryan still remained calm. "This sounds like information the authorities need to know about. Beth and I can go with you to speak to the police."

"They already know."

"Oh."

"Yeah. The FBI too. Or the DEA. I'm not sure. Maybe both. There are a lot of letters."

"And they know the part you played?"

"Yeah. I'm not a suspect if you're worried."

"It had crossed my mind." He blew out a breath. "My goodness. What have you gotten yourself into?"

"I wish I knew. I'm in contact with one of the agents involved, but there's only so much he can tell me."

"It's an ongoing investigation?"

"For now, but if Samson's dead or if he's alive…" She pressed her hands over her face. "I have no idea."

Ryan's hand rested on her shoulder.

"That's a big weight you're carrying."

She wiped the tears from her face and took a deep breath. "Yeah. And so I've been praying and coming here each Sunday, but I don't feel like it's helping, and I don't know what else to do. I haven't been sleeping well, and the anxiety has been overwhelming. I don't know how to stop it."

"You were right to come to God. And I'm not sure there's anything you can do. If the authorities are investigating, you have to let them do their job. I know it's hard to wait, but there really is nothing you can do beyond praying."

"I've done some of my own research."

"I see."

"I found out information about where the man is who's responsible. I want to go there and confront him."

"Whoa, hang on. That does not sound like a good idea. If the FBI is after this guy, you need to stay out of the way. Not to mention this guy you're talking about sounds dangerous."

"He is."

"Then I can't see any wisdom in approaching him."

"What if God leads me that way?"

"I would find it hard to believe He would. And if there's one thing I've learned, it's that if I think God is telling me to do something I already really want to do, there's a fair chance it's not really God speaking. You have to be very, very careful. Even more so, considering the situation you're facing."

"But it's the only thing that makes sense."

"Tell me this. What is it you hope to accomplish by confronting this man?"

"I don't know. I guess I want answers."

"You want closure. You still hold out hope that this man you believe is dead is still alive."

"I want Demir to tell me Samson's still alive."

Ryan nodded. "I can understand that."

"So what do I do?"

"The best advice I can give you is to move on with your life. If this man Samson is really alive, then the FBI can find him, and you can cross that bridge when you come to it. But this is keeping you bound up. You need to move on with your life. Forgive who you need to forgive, including yourself. Let go of your anger. It will only cause you pain and this guy, Demir, none. He'll be brought to justice either in this life or the next."

"I don't want him to get away with it."

"He won't."

"I mean in this lifetime."

"Sometimes life isn't fair."

"Is that supposed to be encouraging?"

"No. I know how it sounds. But one thing you can be certain of is that no matter how bad things look, God is still in control, and He tells us in the Psalms not to worry when evil men prosper."

"It says that?"

"It sure does."

"What you say makes sense, but I can't get this other idea out of my head. It's driving me crazy."

"You know, my wife is a really good listener. She'd be happy to make time to talk with you throughout the week and help you get through this tough time. You don't have to do this alone." He frowned. "You don't look convinced."

"It's not that. I'm sure Beth is amazing, and I might take you up on the offer. But the hardest thing for me right now is not being able to do anything. My hands are tied, and the idea of talking about it relentlessly is frustrating."

"I understand, and I wish I could give you better answers. But the best thing to do is what you are already doing. Keep talking to God about it. He's the only one who can give you real comfort and freedom from this. He's the only one with answers."

She nodded. "I know."

"Can I ask something?"

"Sure."

"Have you ever given your life to Jesus? Or are you still searching?"

"I don't know. I haven't done anything formally as an adult, but I did it when I was a girl. I don't know if it counted, but I remember praying a prayer, telling Jesus I give Him my life. It was really real to me at the time. Something definitely happened. I just don't know what."

"That would be it. Whatever happened to you as a girl, it never left you. God's been there with you the whole time. He's been in your heart waiting for you to pay Him attention again. I'm glad He's woken you up from your slumber, even if it's taken something quite drastic to do it."

"I wish it didn't have to come to that."

"Do you have a Bible?"

"I've been reading on my phone. There have been so many verses that make me start crying, and I can't stop."

"You said you couldn't hear God, but it sounds to me like He's speaking very deeply into your heart. He's at work. That's very clear."

"Then why don't I know what to do? Why do I feel so confused all the time?"

"Confusion is the devil's realm, not God's. If you feel confused, then take a step back. God's not trying to trick you or make you strive. He wants to give you rest. Keep reading. Keep praying. When the time comes, He'll tell you what you need to do."

"I don't have much other choice besides that."

"Trust me when I say there's no better choice."

"Thank you for taking this time with me."

"That's my job."

She slapped her hands on her lap. "I should get going."

"It's okay if you want to stay a little longer. We have a group meeting in the church in about an hour, so it will be open for a little while if you want."

"Thanks, but I have some things to do."

"Okay, but don't forget, if you want to spend some time with Beth, just let us know."

"I will. I'm sure I'll see you next week."

"I look forward to it."