Chapter 23

CHAPTER 23

Regan

I was relaxed and sated from my orgasm, and all I wanted to do was lie on the bed with my sadora in my arms, but Lomax deserved an explanation for my behaviour. I joined her in the shower, and we washed quickly. I was ashamed of my temptation to distract her with another few orgasms in the shower, to tire her out so completely that she wanted nothing more than to sleep in my bed.

But it would only be putting off a conversation that had to happen, so I did not allow myself to do anything more than wash her back for her. In less than fifteen minutes, we sat at the table with the freshly heated dinner. I wore only a pair of pants, and Lomax wore only my shirt, and I was struck again by how beautiful my mate was.

Lomax ate a few bites of food before setting her fork down. “This is delicious. Thank you, Regan.”

“You are welcome,” I said. I couldn’t eat a bite of my dinner. My appetite had disappeared, and I was tense but not nervous. I was resigned to what was about to happen, and while I would work hard to convince Lomax to be with me in the short time we had before she left, I doubted my ability to persuade her.

Lomax gave me a cautious look. “Regan, you know I’m returning to Earth when the storm ends, right?”

“I do,” I said.

“Even though we’re sleeping together, my plans haven’t changed,” she said. “Once the storm ends, I will return to Earth.”

I admired her honesty even as that last trace of hope vanished from my body. “I know. And I will return to the east.”

That careful look had not left her face. “Okay, so we’re both clear on that, which means I’m a little confused about why you keep referring to me as your mate.”

“You are my mate,” I said. “I love you, Lomax.”

Her mouth dropped open, and she said, “Regan, I… we barely know each other.”

I didn’t reply. What could I say? I hardly understood my feelings for her myself. I was unsure of many things in my life - my ability to be the leader my guard needed, my loyalty to my king, and whether I deserved my family’s love. But in the last two weeks with Lomax, I had become certain of two things: Lomax was my mate, and I was not worthy to be hers.

“I’m sorry,” she said, giving me that same careful look, “but I’m not…”

She trailed off, genuine sorrow on her face, and I hated that I had caused her misery and distress. I reached across the table and took her hand, tugging her to her feet and into my lap. I kissed her throat. “It is okay that you do not love me in return, Lomax.”

Her big brown eyes were already brimming with unshed tears. “I just - we don’t know each other all that well, Regan. I think you’re a fantastic person, and I can’t imagine not having you in my life, but love is…”

“I know,” I said. “You do not have to feel for me how I feel for you.”

She pressed her lips together. “Somehow, you being so nice and understanding makes me feel even worse.”

I made myself smile at her. “This is my fault for not keeping my feelings about you to myself.”

She wiped away the tears that were sliding down her cheeks. “I’m glad you told me, truly.”

I rested my forehead on her upper chest, breathing in her scent as she petted my hair. After a few moments of silence, she said, “I should go.”

My arms tightened around her. “I want you to stay the night with me again, sadora.”

“Regan,” she tugged lightly on my hair until I looked up at her, “we can’t be together like that anymore.”

Panic infused my chest, making my heart race like a lokena. I worked hard to speak calmly. “You are my mate, Lomax.”

“And in two weeks or less, we’ll never see each other again,” she said. “It’s better that we break this off now. We can still be friends, okay?”

She grimaced. “Fuck, that’s so cliché, but I mean it. I want to be your friend, but I’ll understand if you prefer I stay away from you.”

“No,” I said, my voice too loud. I took a deep breath. “I want to be with you until the storm ends, sadora.”

She cupped my face again, staring gravely at me. “That will just make it harder for you, Regan. And I’ll be…”

“What?” I asked.

“A terrible person for being with you that way when I don’t,” she paused, “have the same intensity of feelings, and I’m leaving.”

“But you want me as I want you,” I said.

“Yes,” she admitted.

“Then why deny ourselves the pleasure while we are together?” I asked.

“Because that’s me just… just using you,” she said with remorse. “I can’t do that to you, Regan.”

“If it is what I want and am asking you to do, then why should we not?” I asked.

“Because I can’t be your mate,” she said.

“I know that,” I said. “But why refuse me the chance to love you, to be with you while I still can? I want to spend as much time with you as possible before we are separated. Please do not deny me that, my sadora.”

She was crying again, the salty liquid sliding down her cheeks in a gentle waterfall. I wiped away the tears with my thumbs before pressing a kiss against her mouth. “Please, my sadora.”

“If I agree to this,” she said, “will you agree that if a woman in the breeding program chooses you, you’ll forget about me and not turn her down? That you’ll give her a chance to see how amazing you are and give yourself a chance to fall in love with her?”

I knew what she wanted to hear but I couldn’t lie to my mate, even if it soothed her fears. “No. You are my mate, and I will never love another.”

“Regan!” She started to cry again, and I rubbed her back and tucked her against my chest until her sobs slowed.

She straightened, her eyes rimmed in red and her long eyelashes spiky from her tears. I rested my forehead against hers. “I will not find another anyway. I removed myself from the breeding program two years ago, my sadora.”

“What? Why?”

“It does not matter now. I have found my mate.”

“Regan, please,” she said softly. “This isn’t…”

“Even if you were staying, Lomax, we could never truly be mates,” I said.

She blinked at me before understanding flooded her face. “Because I’m breeding incompatible. I can’t give you a child.”

“No,” I said quickly. “I do not want to be a father.”

“Are you just saying that because I told you before that I didn’t want children?” she asked.

“No,” I said. “I truly have no urge for children.”

“Then why couldn’t we be mates?” she asked.

I picked up a lock of her hair, letting the soft strands slide through my fingers before I smiled at her. “I am not worthy of being your mate, Lomax.”

Anger sprang to life in her face, and she poked me hard in the chest. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? You are the best person I know, Regan, and I would be lucky to have you as my mate.”

“There is much you do not know of me,” I said, “and if you did, you would understand why I am not a good person.”

“I don’t believe that,” she said. “I don’t care what you’ve done in your past. I know you’re good and kind and someone I would be proud to call my mate.”

I just shook my head, and she cupped my face. “Tell me what made you believe this so I can decide for myself.”

“No.” I pulled my head away, shame and regret making me tense. “Do not ask me to share that with you, sadora. Not when I know it will tear you away from me.”

“Regan -”

“I cannot!” I growled.

She didn’t look frightened, but I was immediately ashamed of my behaviour. “Forgive me, sadora. I should not have yelled.”

“You didn’t yell,” she said, sliding her arm around my shoulders.

I buried my face in her throat, inhaling my mate’s scent as we sat quietly for a few minutes. Finally, I said, “I do not wish to be parted from you now, Lomax. It will be worse for me to see you in the castle and know you are here, but I am not allowed to touch or kiss you.”

“Are you sure, Regan?” she asked, her voice soft in the quiet.

I lifted my head and cupped her face to kiss her gently. “I am certain, my sadora. I cannot spend what time we have left together without you. Do not ask me to do so. Can we not enjoy our time together now and not think of the future until we have to?”

She studied me for an eternity before resting her forehead against mine. Despite the tears that slid down her cheeks, she nodded. “Yes, we can do that.”