Chapter 6
6
T hursday morning found them all back out at the farm. Tobias didn't have any interviews scheduled for the remainder of the week, and Noah knew that, as much as he liked his office at the club, Tobias preferred his quiet study in the country.
Noah himself didn't care much one way or the other; his ass was sore and his skin was sensitive and he was just happy to be of service wherever his Master wanted him. He'd been well used the day before and had been floating on the endorphins ever since. Everything was easier in subspace: no decisions to make, no stress, no worries. There was nothing he needed to do other than what he was doing right now -- keeping house with Phan.
He opened the oven and looked in, nodding at the way his banana bread was baking. It filled the kitchen with the warm, homey smell that had always drawn him into the kitchen as a kid to see what his mom was up to.
"Mmm." Noah hummed softly as he closed the oven. He crossed to the counter and picked up Mrs. M's recipe card, flipping it over in his fingers before filing it away in her cheerful yellow recipe box.
"She's got some really nice ones in there." Phan came up behind him and slipped an arm around Noah's waist. "I can't get the cookies right, though."
Noah leaned into Phan. He was always so warm and soft. "No? The oatmeal ones are pretty easy."
"The chocolate chip ones are always flat and dry. I think she put her baking soda in hot water first, but I can't make it work."
"I don't know that trick, either." Noah turned to face Phan. "Never got a chance to ask her to show me."
Phan's eyes filled up. "I did. And she showed me. But there's so much more, you know? Sometimes..." He sighed and let go of Noah. "I'll start the dishes, okay?"
Noah nodded. "Thanks," he replied, but wondered if he ought to say more. He let Phan move away to the sink, watching as Phan picked up a sponge and started in on the big mixing bowl. Noah missed Mrs. M, too. He missed her quiet, constant presence, her knowing looks, her kind smile. Though he'd never had quite the same relationship with her that Phan had. He looked away from Phan and wiped down the counter with a dishtowel.
"I wish I'd known her like you did."
Phan nodded, his head bowed as he washed the bowl. "She liked you a lot. She told me."
Noah smiled. "Well, that much I know. She didn't really make it a secret." He took the clean bowl from Phan. "How about I dry?"
Phan let him take the bowl and reached for the mixing spoon. "She was like that -- if she liked you, she made sure you knew. She said that the worst thing in the world was that people didn't know they were loved. So she made a point of being right out there with her affection."
Noah glanced sidelong at Phan, who, in contrast to Mrs. Miller, was generally more about saying things by not actually saying them at all -- this moment included. "I'm... sure you appreciated that," Noah goaded.
For a long moment Phan didn't say anything at all. Then he nodded, the gesture jerky. "She told me she loved me even before Sir did. She... she was the first person to love me since I was a child." His shoulders started to shake, and he put the mixing spoon back in the water.
Noah put down the dry mixing bowl and tossed his towel on the counter. "Oh, hon," he said quickly, slipping his arms around Phan's waist. "She might have been the first, but she wasn't the last."
Phan curled into him immediately, tears sliding down his cheeks. "She was like my grandmother, you know? I could talk to her about almost anything, and she just nodded and told me she believed in me. Every single time. She helped me so much, and I miss her all the time."
Noah nodded, hugging Phan close. "You do know that's completely normal, right, Phan? I mean, to miss someone that much? It just shows how much you loved her, and that's okay, you know? It's totally okay."
Phan nodded, his face still pushed against Noah's chest. "I feel bad, though. Because when there are too many people here, touching her things, I worry. What if they break her sugar bowl? And now that her room is gone, those things of hers are really important to me."
Noah winced a little. The gym that had replaced Mrs. Miller's bedroom upstairs had been his request. While he understood the impulse, he honestly thought it would have been creepy to keep her room the way she had left it, and truly believed that she would have wanted Noah and Phan to put their stamp on the house. Phan hadn't really protested at the time; he'd seemed sad, but they had all been sad then.
"I know, Phan. I understand, I do." Hopefully their plans to expand the bunkhouse would help. Noah made a mental note to ask his Master to get started on those renovations as soon as possible.
"I know." Phan's tears eased off but he sighed deeply, and didn't let go. "I do want to move on, kitten. I do. And I wouldn't want a museum for her. I think I just don't know how to grieve. I mean, I'm still learning how to feel, right?"
Well, that was true enough. It had been a long while before Phan had been able to accept the things he did feel as okay, before he stopped punishing himself for being happy and apologizing for wanting or needing just about anything. He wasn't raised with love, not the gentle kind that Mrs. M had obviously offered him.
"It's a lot to take in at once, huh?" Noah asked, just trying to help Phan find words to get some of this out of his system.
"It makes me kind of embarrassed," Phan mumbled. "No one else seems to hang onto things as long as me. It underlines how emotionally immature I am; it's like I'm thirteen."
"But that's a good thing, Phan. Most people forget their emotions after a while. Lose touch with them. You remember. You are honoring her by keeping her memory present. That's not something to be embarrassed about." Noah laughed softly. "Although you certainly have a teenage libido," he joked.
"Oh, and you don't?" Phan gave him a slightly watery grin. "I need to keep up with you so Sir doesn't go without."
"So, really, he's the one with the libido issues?" Noah put a little space between them, letting Phan get some air. "You know, Phan, everyone deals with emotions, with grief, differently. Don't be embarrassed, just be honest. Sir and I both appreciate that, and I'm sure Mrs. M did, too. You don't hide anything else." Noah glanced down at Phan's crotch, which seemed remarkably under control at the moment.
"That's kinda my defense." Phan rolled his eyes and looked around the kitchen. "I put it all out there, every bit of me, and don't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks, aside from Sir and you. And a few others. But this is different. It's... Elizabeth was different. There wasn't anyone like her, ever." He paused and made a face. "I'm going to have to talk to my therapist about this, aren't I?"
Noah couldn't help but grin. "Yep."
"Damn it. Dr. Brewer will be thrilled -- it's been weeks since she's had something to sink her teeth into."
Noah gave Phan's hand a squeeze. "So, you finished the dusting?" He walked over and shut off the oven as the timer started to beep.
"Not yet. I have to do upstairs. What's next on your schedule?"
"Well, I thought I'd bring a slice of the banana bread to Sir while it's still warm and then I'd get the vacuum out. We should think about dinner, too. Oh, and I think I heard Sir talking with Bradford about dinner out here... maybe tomorrow night?"
"For who?" Phan looked at him with a tiny frown. "I don't know if we have groceries for any more than about six people."
"I don't know. I'll ask. Hopefully just Master Bradford and Nikki." Noah pulled the hot bread from the oven and set it on a cooling rack. "Want a bite?"
"No, thank you. You're making me fat. And asking Sir is always a good idea." Phan nodded and went into the pantry. "There's enough things for breakfast if they stay and want pancakes."
"Fat," Noah snorted. "Right." He pulled out a knife and cut a thick slice, placing it on a plate. He cut it too early, he knew, and could almost hear Mrs. M chastising him about not waiting long enough for the crust to set, but this was how he liked it best, and his Master did, too.
"Put lots of butter on Sir's." Phan leaned in and sniffed. "Good job, kitten. She'd be proud. Except you cut it way too soon."
"I know," Noah winked at Phan. "I practically heard her say so." He headed for the refrigerator and pulled out the butter.
"I hear her all the time in this house." Phan put one of his hands on the wall and nodded, probably to himself. "All the time. That's why I love it so much."
Noah gave Phan a kiss on the cheek as he passed by. "It's really grown on me. I was such a city mouse when I met Sir." He pulled out a knife and drowned the hot slice of bread in butter.
"You're still a city mouse. So am I, I guess. But I love the way this house feels."
"Me, too." Noah picked up the plate and headed for the door. "I'll be upstairs with the vacuum in an hour or so."
"Not much sense in dusting, then. Maybe I'll polish the dining room."
"Not a bad idea, especially if we're having guests tomorrow." He winked at Phan. "You okay, hon?"
"I'm as okay as I ever am." Phan shook his head. "I'm fine. I'll wash the sink; you go take that to Sir before it cools."
"Thanks, hon." Noah left Phan and the sound of running water behind as he headed across the house to his Master's office, but he carried some of Phan's grief with him.