Chapter 20

20

T obias looked in the mirror as he straightened his tie and wondered if he was perhaps overdressed.

"Noah," he said thoughtfully, still fussing with the knot, "did Phan actually eat breakfast this morning?" Phantom without any food in his stomach was an invitation for emotional turmoil, and going to Mrs. Miller's grave was going to be hard enough.

"He tried, sir. I'm not sure he got more than a few bites in." Noah was wearing one of the new suits that Phan had helped him pick out and looked very handsome, if a bit uncomfortable.

"I'll take a power bar with us." Tobias shook his head ruefully. "I hate to pour sugar into him, but it might get him through all of this. When you make lunch, please make sure there's enough protein to bring him back to a reasonable state. Well, reasonable for Phan." He smiled a bit and tugged at his cuffs. "You look wonderful."

"Yes, sir. And thank you, sir, I feel a bit... stiff."

"You'll get used to wearing a suit soon. I like the way you look -- do you suppose we could convince Phan to try one?"

Noah laughed. "Oh. I'm sorry, sir. Were you serious?"

"No." Tobias laughed, too, and took a kiss. "I couldn't imagine it. Keep it in mind for a scene, though; it could be fun. He did manage to find new trousers to wear today, and he said he had a shirt that wasn't made out of jersey knit. I'm not sure if he's made it all the way up to buttons, however." Oddly, Tobias couldn't at all remember what Phan had worn to the funeral.

"I guess we'll find out, sir, I hear him coming down the hall."

Tobias looked toward the door and Phan came in, his head bowed. "The car is here, sir," he said quietly. He was indeed wearing new trousers, charcoal gray and not quite jeans. He'd paired them with a cream-colored silk T-shirt, long-sleeved, seamless, and elegant-looking with his collar on display. With his hair only a little unruly, he looked absolutely subdued.

"Thank you, Phan." Tobias went to him and took his hand. "Okay?"

"Okay, sir." Phan nodded and leaned in close for a moment. "Jorge brought the flowers, too."

"All right." Tobias nodded and held out his other hand for Noah's. "Let's go, then, my loves."

Noah slipped his hand into Tobias'. Out at the car, Noah let Jorge get back in the car and held the door while Tobias and Phan got in before going around to the other side of the car and getting in so that Tobias was in the middle.

The drive was short; if they hadn't been going for an express purpose, Tobias would have suggested they ride the horses over. Thinking that, he decided to encourage Phan to do just that if he ever felt the need to just talk to her.

At the cemetery, Jorge drove down the narrow lane and stopped in the turning loop. The sun was bright and warm, and there didn't appear to be anyone else around. Tobias squeezed Phan's hand again before they got out of the car. "You don't need to actually say anything, you know."

Phan nodded. "I know. I might not. I might cry."

"I know, dear." Tobias was sure of it. "That's okay, too. I'm here, and Noah's here as well. All three of us have each other."

"I'll get the flowers." Noah opened his door and got out on his own, meeting Jorge halfway to get the flowers from the trunk. Jorge, instead, went around to open the door for Tobias and Phan. Tobias and his boys walked together, side by side, toward Elizabeth Miller's grave.

The stone was modest and understated, not unlike how she'd been. It had her name and dates, a simple statement of her marriage, and a carving of a peace dove. Tobias stood and looked at it for a long moment and said, "I miss you."

Beside him Phan sighed. "What do we do?"

"Whatever you feel like, dear. You can sit, stand, talk to her, pray... whatever it is you need to do. Both of you." He looked at the flowers Noah held and smiled. "Gardenias. Very nice."

"Of course. Her favorite." Noah knelt next to where she lay, pulled up the vase that was hidden in the gravestone, and started to arrange the flowers in it. "Every last one of the stinky things." He laughed softly. "Mrs. M, I know you love gardenias, but, well. A simple corsage is one thing. An entire bouquet is kind of overwhelming, sweetie. But here they are. That's how much I miss you."

Tobias couldn't help smiling -- Noah was right. They did stink, and she had loved them. "She couldn't have loved something nice like roses. No, gardenias that stink and peonies that need ants." He looked at Phan and sighed. "Come here, boy." He held his arm out and Phan burrowed in. "We'll say hello together, all right?"

They crouched down, and Phan reached out one hand to touch the dove. "I miss you so much," he whispered. "You never, ever did anything but love me, and I didn't know until you were gone how much I valued that."

Noah reached out and put a hand on Phan's shoulder. "But she knew, hon. She knew. Anyway, she would never have let you thank her for something that she thought was so simple."

Phan nodded, but Tobias could feel the tremble in his shoulders. "It's okay," he whispered. "You can let it out."

Phan started to say something, but with a shake of his head, he turned into Tobias' chest instead and swallowed convulsively. "I'm okay. It's good that we had her, that we remember her. And it's good that we can come here."

"It is." Tobias swallowed himself and sighed. "She was my mother's best friend, and then like a mother to me. She was the one constant in my life, my entire life. I know how deep her heart went, Phan. She loved you and Noah like you were her own. Both of you."

"I know." Phan's whisper grew hoarse and he coughed. "She... she called me, when she was helping Noah learn your favorite recipes. To tell me he was a good fit with you. And to... to tell me that she loved me and I was always welcome in her kitchen. No matter what." And with that, he started to cry.

Noah cleared his throat. "Mrs. M," he said softly, his own voice full of emotion. "You'd be so proud of Phan. I mean, I know you pretended not to know about this stuff, but he's come so far, he's so trusting now, and... and he's been a great friend to me. And he keeps your kitchen neat. He's been known to yell at me for not putting the wooden spoons away in the right place." Noah swiped at one eye with the back of his hand, but he laughed softly, smiling. "And Tobias is everything you promised me he'd be."

Phan cried hard and Tobias held him tight, soothing the tremors and tearing up at Noah's words. He was right about all of it -- about Phan, about her pretending not to know but letting them all lead their lives and be loved for who they were, and about Phan being a bit ridiculous about the spoons. He hoped that Noah was right about him living up to the promises she'd made.

He hoped that she had been proud of him. He hoped he'd earned it.

In his arms, Phan nodded. "I hope I learned enough from her. Not about cleaning and stuff, but about being good and kind and open."

Noah finished fussing with the flowers and joined them. "I hope we all have."

"You have." Tobias nodded, sure of that, if nothing else in his life. "You are both the most caring, giving people I know. You share, you love, you devote yourselves to each other and me. You're unselfish and generous with your souls. That is why she loved you, why I love you. So, while we miss her every day, please console yourselves with knowing you were lights in her life."

Noah tucked his hand into Tobias' and gave it a squeeze. "And what about you? You know how much you meant to her, how proud she was of you, right? It showed all the time, every time she talked about you."

"I like to think that, while I may have often confused and confounded her, she wasn't displeased with how I turned out." He smiled and petted Phan as the sobs eased off, then he looked at Noah. "You're right, and I'm being disingenuous. She loved me like she loved her son, Robert, and she never pulled any punches. She was proud of me and happy with a great many of my choices."

Noah nodded. "She was." Noah sighed and straightened up. "I don't know why we waited so long to come out here together; it was a good idea. Don't you think so, Phan?"

Phan lifted a hand and wiped at his cheeks. "Uh-huh. But next time I'm wearing a proper outfit, so she doesn't get all confused at me."

Noah laughed. "Next time you can come in leather. You know, be yourself."

"Exactly." Phan nodded and sat up a bit, moving away from Tobias to hold his own weight. "And Sir can stay in his suit, like normal, and you can... actually, I like the suit on you. You should keep the look."

Tobias rolled his eyes. "See, Mrs. Miller? This is what you left me with."

"And damn lucky he is, Elizabeth," Phan said with a nod. "I'll take good care of them. I promise."

Tobias smiled to himself and nodded. "I'm sure you will."

"Already does." Noah moved again, this time to get his arms around Phan. "I love you, you know."

"You do?" Phan's eyes went wide. "Sir, did you know about this?"

"Okay, we're done." Tobias stood up and shook his head. "Phantom, behave."

Phan grinned and kissed Noah. "I love you, too. So much."

Noah laughed and struggled to his feet, still tangled up in Phan. "Bye, Mrs. M."

"See you in a while, Elizabeth." Phan kissed his fingers and pressed them to the headstone. "Ready, sir."

Tobias took their hands and nodded. "We'll be back. Until next time, Mrs. Miller. I love you." He turned and walked them back to the car, enjoying the sunshine. They'd done well, and he hoped Phan would come back as the fancy struck him. It wasn't a bad thing to remember being loved by someone who'd passed away. They could all draw strength from it, from their memories of her.

He knew he did.