Chapter 11

11

" I 'm okay," Noah replied to Phan's worried whispering. "I'm good." How good remained to be seen, as he still didn't have a handle on his own emotions yet. They were floating somewhere outside of him, along with the sting of his Master's blades and the irrational fear he'd fought to let go. But little by little those feelings were coming back to him. "I'm just kind of..." Noah shrugged.

"Floaty," Phan offered.

"Yes."

"That's okay. Floaty is good." Phan kept petting him gently. "It can be pretty intense. Do you hurt?"

"The skin on my shoulder kind of burns all over and it feels really tight, like something might tear if I move too fast." But the hurt itself wasn't what was sticking with Noah; it was something else. He'd been physically hurt plenty of times before in all kinds of scenes with his Master. That was the nature of what they did, who they were. It wasn't the pain itself but the kind of pain, and the way it was inflicted. "It was intense," Noah said, thinking out loud. "But not like a flogger or a bullwhip kind of intense, you know?"

"Uh-huh." Phan's fingers carded through his hair. "It's not the same -- no thump, no sudden surge of pain. Just the slow, steady coldness turning hot. For me, it's like I can feel pressure being let out of my skin."

"It's just so quiet. There's no noise, nothing slicing through the air or snapping against my skin. Just breathing and Master bending over me, nothing for me to do but lie there. The focus gets so narrow." Noah shook his head as if trying to shake something more coherent out, but the whole experience was so new for him. "It wasn't at all what I'd expected."

"Can you tell me what you expected?" Phan's voice was low and soothing, calm. "Was this better than you'd feared or too different to compare?"

"I really don't know. My only experience with blades was with David as punishment. It was quick and cut deep and then it was over. And he was usually angry. I wasn't expecting that, of course, but I guess I was thinking of blade work as more... I don't know, really. More painful? More immediate. It's hard to explain."

"It's two different things -- like the difference between being spanked for being bad and being spanked because Sir wants to see a rosy bum." Phan laughed softly. "So it really is a new experience for you to process. I love it, personally. The narrow focus really keeps me where my head should be, and I find it incredibly erotic."

"Really? I hadn't noticed. Not at all." Noah wasn't sure how he felt about it, yet. "It was intimate for sure, and it definitely held my attention. Kind of like when Sir restrains you and just talks and talks, and the only thing he wants you to do is listen. Only with a bit of a sting."

"Did you feel safe?"

"Yes." Noah nodded. Whatever he was feeling, he was certain of that. "I trust Sir. I always feel safe. If I don't, I use my words." There was a time when he might have been hesitant to do so, but not anymore. He knew how much his Master counted on him to be honest, especially at their level.

"Well, that's what's important." Phan kissed him softly. "Every time we try something new, it has the potential to be scary or too much or maybe even just not something we like. You did great, you know. Trying something new like this for the first time, in front of people, is brave."

"I didn't even remember there were people there," Noah explained. He looked at Phan, curious about something else. "What does it feel like, the things he did to you? Deeper cuts, cuts that mark? Scratches? Do you find all of it equally good?"

Phan grinned at him. "You know me, kitten. Hit me harder and I'll be all the happier. But, yeah. I like the scratches, I like the way he takes months and months to scar me. I like to bleed. Mostly, though, I like the headspace and the way we get so completely tied into each other when it's happening."

"I did feel that." Noah nodded. "Tied into him. He was so still and so focused on me; his hands were gentle and not at the same time. Kind of like with the sensory dep work we do. It was wild. I guess I'd need to try it again to see if it's something that works for us. I get that kind of tied-in feeling with some of the role play we do -- like we both have to read each other so carefully." Noah remembered one particular role play scene that involved being bound with a lamp cord; that day he held onto as one of their best scenes ever. Sir had been so immersed in his role, and they'd walked a very fine line together. It had been amazing.

"When you want to try it again, all you need to do is say so. Sir will do anything we need -- and this is one of those things he likes, too." Phan was smiling and snuggling in. "A lot, at least for me. He says it's easier on his arm."

"I imagine so," Noah laughed softly. "I know we'll talk about it later, so I'll tell him then." He leaned on Phan as much as Phan was leaning on him and looked over at his Master, who was answering questions from other Doms. "He is so happy right now." Noah smiled. "So in his element, so excited that his passion is appreciated by someone. I love it."

Noah wondered if glancing at his Master's back halfway across the room was technically breaking the rules. Not sure, he dropped his eyes again quickly.

Phan chuckled softly and sprawled a bit. If anyone could look indolent and obedient at the same time, it was Phan. "It didn't suck, is what you're saying?"

"It didn't suck, no." Noah poked Phan in the side. Somehow, that phrase summed up the experience better than all of Noah's babbling about it. "It didn't suck at all. Did you look at it? I know it's not anywhere near as cool as yours, but still. I'm proud of it."

"It's beautiful." Phan said it in the voice he reserved for very serious matters. "It is. You're beautiful and his initials on you are beautiful. I couldn't imagine anything else going into you this time, the first time. It's right."

Noah nodded, feeling surprisingly emotional all of a sudden. Not just about the truth in what Phan said, but about the fact that Phan got it. He was quite possibly the only person in the world that really could understand things completely from Noah's point of view. Noah was absurdly grateful for Phan in that moment. "Are you trying to make me cry in front of an audience?" Noah smiled to cover up some of what he was feeling, but he doubted Phan was fooled.

"Nah. Well, maybe." Phan smiled and kissed him again, petting his hair once more. "I love you, Noah. Even if you never do this again, I'm glad you did today. Now you know, and you'll understand when he does it to me."

Noah nodded, sighing at Phan's gentle touch. "It's good. It's all good. Thanks, hon. You're amazing."

Phan nuzzled against his jaw. "I know. Modest, too. Oh, good, people are getting up. Maybe we'll get our Master back. I want to go home, you know? Dinner, bed, snuggles."

"That all sounds perfect." Noah did a quick check of his headspace, not wanting the first thing that came out of his mouth in front of his Master to be something stupid. The stupid stuff was better left to Phan, who seemed to get away with it more often than Noah did. His shoulder still stung, more than he'd thought it would; just enough that he knew he'd be thinking about this for the next few days.