Chapter 36: Five Days Later

"We're gathered heretoday to remember Professor Montgomery and Karen Stuart, both of whom we lost on the same day in a tragic car accident," the dean says to a packed outdoor vigil. "We mourn together and remember all the memories we shared with them. They will never be forgotten because they live in our hearts."

Devlin stands behind me, his arms clasped tightly around me like I'm fragile and broken.

But I'm not broken. I'm angry.

Swiping at my eyes, I blink away the tears, hating that they're there. Hating that I still cry into my pillow at night.

They lied to me. Used my good nature against me. And for what? It got them nothing in the end.

"You're going to be an amazing writer one day. You'll prove your father wrong."

I can just see her face. Professor Montgomery—or Lordes, whoever she was. I remember her when she said that to me. It was the first time I really believed in myself. Believed that I could be a writer.

But maybe she was lying. Maybe she just wanted to trick me into believing that I was good so I could fail at something. Were my grades even real? Or were they inflated so I thought I was better than I really am?

I can't even ask her now, 'cause she's dead. In the dirt rotting where she belongs.

I quietly sob, my body breaking along with my heart. She was more than a professor to me. I wanted to be just like her, but she was a monster. A liar. A murderer! The whole time she was being nice to me, she was planning to kill me! Everything was her doing! I was nothing but a puppet!

"Come on, let me paint your toes!"

Karen's smiling face appears before me now, and no matter how hard I fight the pull, the memories carry me back in time. Us in her room, her painting my toes yellow because it was pretty. I hated it, but I didn't tell her that because I loved her and wanted to make her happy.

"I'm so happy I met you."

Was she, though? Or was that another lie? If I just close my eyes, I can feel it…her arms as she hugged me.

Remembering Karen is even more painful than what the professor did. Karen and I were inseparable. I thought we would be friends many years from now.

How wrong I was…

I remembered something recently. There was one day she got a call from her mom. She left the room, and when she came back, I could tell she had been crying. She didn't want to talk about it and immediately acted like she was fine, grabbing the remote to turn on a comedy until we were both laughing. Now I wonder what that call was about. What her mother—the professor—was making her do.

My friend was never a friend. She was a spy.

I pinch my eyes closed, my pain seeping from every corner. I can't be friends with anyone anymore. No one can be trusted. I have Kayla, Devlin, and my family. That'll be enough.

I thought I could live a normal life. I was wrong. Normalcy doesn't exist for people like us.

"It'll be okay." Devlin's whisper comes through, but I just ignore him.

It won't be okay. Nothing will ever be okay.

He's urged me to visit Karen's grave. To talk to her. What a joke. She can't hear me. She's dead! Gone.

The back of my nose throbs, and I fight it. I don't want to feel anything for her. She doesn't deserve it. Yet she does…

"I never wanted you to find out because I love you. I wasn't lying when I said you were the best person I knew."

Her words echo in my mind from right before she was shot. I can't come to terms with these two opposite emotions—the betrayal and the friendship.

I can't even go back to school. This was the first day I returned, and that was only because Devlin said I needed to attend the memorial. Everything reminds me of Karen or Professor Montgomery.

Is this who I am now? An angry shell of a woman? Is that what happens when people are betrayed?

I thought I could handle going back to school the day after it happened. Thought I was strong even when everyone told me to take time off.

But as soon as I passed the professor's office, I had a panic attack. I had to leave school. Haven't been to Karen's dorm room either. I hear there's a whole memorial on her door—photos, ribbons, notes taped on the wall. I can't look at any of that. Easier to pretend it doesn't exist.

"If anyone needs to speak to someone…" the dean goes on. "We have resources available for you."

I look around at the stricken faces, students crying as they hold each other. I just shake my head because they have no idea who they're crying over. The professor had everyone fooled.

But my family didn't want her true identity coming out, so they kept it under wraps. Paid off the cops so they could forge the reports to say that Karen was in the car with the professor. That they both died inside on impact. And that was it. Not like anyone will dispute it.

Karen's father apparently died a couple of years ago. Devlin says there's talk that her mom did it when she found out he was cheating.

I turn to Devlin. "Can we go now?"

He sighs. "Yeah, sure."

I start walking away, shoving a few people as I try to maneuver myself out of here. Devlin follows me, walking right up beside me.

"Can we talk?" He grabs my hand, but I shove it off.

"There's nothing left for me here. I'll finish the semester online if they let me, or transfer out."

"Eriu. We need to talk about this." He stops mid-stride and curls an arm around my back to keep me close. Tentatively, he cups my cheek. "I don't want you stuffing this down and dealing with it on your own. Nothing good comes from that. I'm telling you from experience."

"Please, I don't wanna hear this right now." Ignoring him, I head for his car.

"I love you, lass. I don't want to see you hurting this way. Just talk to someone."

I snicker, rolling my eyes.

"Talking won't make it better," I snap. "Every place reminds me of Karen. I hear her laughter in my sleep. The things she'd say to me. The fun we had." Bitter laughter escapes me. "And it was all a lie. Do you know how stupid I feel?"

I stop in the middle of the street and grab my head, squeezing my temples.

He tugs my jaw up between two fingers. "Maybe it wasn't all a lie. Maybe what she said was true. She did a bad thing, but she regretted it. She loved you. I saw it. You saw it too, and that's why it kills you, isn't it? Because you love her too."

My chin trembles, tears blanketing my vision, and with a sob, I throw myself into his arms and cry against his chest.

I cry for our friendship. I cry for the way she hurt me. But most of all, I cry because I can't tell her that I forgive her.

I want just one more day to tell her that I love her too.